Navigating from the Dark Night

[Anonymous]

VioletFire wrote:

Does anyone have any insight? I really appreciate this forum and have been lurking here.

Issue 1: Tithing settlement meeting — possible solution — don’t go. Plain and simple. I haven’t gone for years. They never haul me in for it,

Issue 2: Leadership requests for explanations (at any time).

You have to train your spouse what you will say if either of you are approached individually. Otherwise, give vague hope, and don’t give any specifics. Don’t talk about doubt!!! Never! And don’t imply any sin. Affirm what you like about the church, and if you can even say you value any spiritual experiences, and call them testimony (even if really week, or if they only made you faithful in a previous era of your life), affirm this.

Issue 3: Children.

They won’t figure out you don’t go to the temple or pay tithing until they are older. There is a grace period, depending on how sharp they are. My daughter didn’t figure it out until she was 10 or 12. I had to talk to her about it then, not when she was young.

This is where you need a convo with your husband to talk about the benefits of the church — even as attending non-believers or semi-actives. And get some consensus on what you’ll teach at home, and how you’ll deal with the tension between TBM’ practices and your own beliefs. I dealt with it by letting the church to teach the TBM values to my kids. I didn’t have to be there– I didn’t make myself do that at home. At home I counterbalanced negative aspects of church culture (like judgmentalism) while letting the other doctrines become part of my daughter’s life. When she asked me direct questions about the tension between my behavior and church imperatives, I gave myself time to formulate answers (often posting here on StayLDS) and then went back to her with my answers.

Also, recognize the church works very well for many people, and your kids may be such people Would it be so bad if they embrace Mormonism and become dedicated churcgoers, tithe payers and members of the church? I see no bad in that. And taken with the training I gave them in less orthodox positions on matters of church culture, you have the potential to create very good members who exempllify the good in Mormonism and not the negatives.

Also, remember the alternative — other churches don’t know either what the truth is. Committees and councils prepared their doctrine, and they don’t even claim to have a prophet guiding them — so where else will you go?

I find that coping develops over time — as you deal with issues as they come up. You can’t anticipate them all, but when they happen, they are rarely so urgent you have to shoot from the hip. Post your question here, and after thought, discussion, and consideration, find your own path.

There will be hiccups and sacrifices For example, I waited outside the temple for my daughter to get married. I didn’t get a TR due to tithing. There was a bit of awkwardness on the part of my wife and daughter, but it was only right before they left to go to the temple. My son, below TR age, was with me, so it wasn’t like I was alone, but there were no comments, no after effects….my daughter even apologized if she was ever too judgmental about me in the past — it showed my unorthodox training worked! I actually feel at peace about the situation. I feel good about myself and the decision I made.

It can seem like there is no way out, but as the years slip by, as you find your own path — and find it brings peace — you realize the church is really a mirage and has very little power over you — unless you give it to them.

[Anonymous]

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Several people have said that you can pay online discretely to avoid this issue

I’ve heard of this. I will have to look into it. I heard if you set it up though you have to request for it to be anonymous now.

Thanks Dark Jedi for the talk. I will take a look at it this evening. Uchtdorf is my favorite.

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If you are interested, I wrote the following back in 2008, describing why I have never experienced a dark night of separation:

Thank you! I will read that this evening as well. I appreciate you sharing your story.

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Issue 2: Leadership requests for explanations (at any time).

You have to train your spouse what you will say if either of you are approached individually. Otherwise, give vague hope, and don’t give any specifics. Don’t talk about doubt!!! Never! And don’t imply any sin. Affirm what you like about the church, and if you can even say you value any spiritual experiences, and call them testimony (even if really week, or if they only made you faithful in a previous era of your life), affirm this.

This seems a little tricky. If it’s not doubt or sin and they are alluding to it, it’s like why did I suddenly change? It’s good advice though and I will have to come up with a plan along those lines of what to say.

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Also, recognize the church works very well for many people, and your kids may be such people Would it be so bad if they embrace Mormonism and become dedicated churcgoers, tithe payers and members of the church? I see no bad in that. And taken with the training I gave them in less orthodox positions on matters of church culture, you have the potential to create very good members who exempllify the good in Mormonism and not the negatives.

Silentdawning I agree that it’s not really a bad thing.

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It can seem like there is no way out, but as the years slip by, as you find your own path — and find it brings peace — you realize the church is really a mirage and has very little power over you — unless you give it to them.

I hope I can get to this place where I am comfortable with myself and my place in the church and in life. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

VioletFire wrote:

Also how in the world do I raise my children? They are still young and the oldest is still a few years from baptism age. I feel like a hypocrite expecting them to obey church standards when I don’t believe in the church literally. Also I’m not sure if I want my sons to go on missions if it’s not the one true church.

This was the biggest hurdle for me. We raised our children from a fairly tbm standpoint, and helped them figure out questions as they grew up. As I went through my faith evolution (and still am), those answers I gave became less black and white, and there was a lot more discussion, rather than ‘just accept it on faith’ or ‘you need to pray more’. For me it involved more searching and questioning (which I wish I had done with my older children). Now that they are older, and as they grew, they made their own choices and follow their own path, which is what we really wanted them to do even when they were young. My DW laments a little at their choices, that some are not active, but she sees that they are good people, and much of that came from being raised in the church, and we were consistent at doing things as a family ( Not consistent at FHE, going to every activity etc) but our family came first.

How to navigate the one true church is very personal to each one of us here, you’re in a safe place to ask how we manage and ultimately figure it out for yourself as you go along. Those transitions can be soul shaking though so take it slowly.

Welcome!

[Author]

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