Navigating Sexual Morality Outside the Believer Narrative

[Anonymous]

I feel like as a woman I need to say something about this. Obviously I don’t have experience with marriage and issues like this. But there’s an assumption out there that women don’t like pornography and marriages suffer just because the wife is jealous and feels like her spouse is cheating on her. I think it’s much more complicated than this and even women themselves don’t understand some underlying issues they have with pornography. Dax brought up several good points that I won’t touch on.

Women are socialized beginning at childhood that our value is based on our physical attractiveness. Our deserving of a “happy ending” is largely determined by how pretty we are. It’s highly likely that the most common compliment a woman will receive in her life is, “you look pretty” or “you look cute” or “you look beautiful.” Bottom line: we learn that it’s very important as women to be psychically attractive. However, the standards of beauty in most societies are crazy and the vast majority of women will never live up to them.

We also learn about the dangers of being too physically attractive, or too “sexy.” Girls that are too sexy aren’t taken seriously as human beings. They’re “sluts” and guys just see them as a sum of parts. To men, they’re not even people. These women may get more attention but aren’t valued as human beings. Thus, we have to do this exhausting act of balancing being attractive, being sexy, but not being too attractive or too sexy. There’s a lot of pressure. It’s tough. Even for women who don’t try very hard to conform to beauty standards this might still be in their psyche because it’s been drilled into them since childhood. I think for a lot of women, being deduced to an object is a deep fear.

So a woman finds a man she loves and respects her as a human being. She feels confident about herself with them. And then she finds out he enjoys objectifying women via pornography. From her perspective, he deduces women to sexual objects. It’s scary and throws into question for her if he even really finds her attractive or what sex even means for their relationship. He plays into the same system that she hates.

For me, I absolutely have a problem with pornography and it would hurt my marriage. But my level of outrage would depend on what type of pornography it is. A lot of the pornography out there now (especially the hard core stuff) really degrades women and as a woman, it is offensive to me that my significant other would find it pleasurable to watch. I think the church should have conversations about why pornography is bad instead of “it’s filthy and evil.” Frequent pornographic viewing, especially the hard-core kind, has well documented adverse effects that I won’t get into here.

I’ve seen marriages fall apart because of pornography addiction. I’ve seen husbands change. To me, it’s in the same category as marriages that fail because of any addiction. I do think pornography is like a drug like alcohol. Some people can watch a little and not be that effected. Some go down the rabbit hole and struggle to ever get out.

[Anonymous]

This really is a difficult two edged sword topic. I agree with much of University’s point – whether LDS or not, many women struggle with self-worth/body images. Guys not so much. Just watch almost any regular TV show and even the tough girl or old girl has “it” quality. Guys can have a paunch or be bald and we don’t recoil. I also add to University’s post the struggle for performance. Virtuous women – LDS or Non- have a full blown mind set reversal. Just 24 hours before the guy was forbidden. Virtue must remain intact. Then wamoo – Let’s get it on. Though I don’t watch porn, my performance can’t begin to even rival regular TV love making session, especially as a newly wed. Having a spouse watch porn adds a new level of failure and disregard.

Now to play the other side, I believe when we talk about stuff too much we add to the problem. I actually do not appreciate it being a GC topic, my kids are in the room. My kids now are in their 20’s so it isn’t a problem, but I don’t want my 11 year old or 8 year old exposed to it. I wasn’t super happy when Sesame Street wanted to teach where babies come from. I also worry that with many things some of the over talk makes us hyper sensitive to it. What we now view in our homes as families could easily come across as porn compared to I Love Lucy and Little House on the Prairie.

Which leads us back to the struggle for balance. It’s a lifelong fight and this is an area that will need it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. There has been some really good input.

I think there isn’t much more that can be said at this point, so I am closing this thread. If anyone wants to have it reopened, send me a private message.

Finally, there are some really good, balanced LDS counselors out there, especially among the younger generations. If anyone is struggling with theses issues or feels a need for professional help, please seek out a good counselor. Sometimes, that can make all the difference in the world.

[Author]

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