Navigating the minefield

[Anonymous]

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I cry because I get overwhelmed. I still believe in the gospel, and I feel like the eternal family I hoped for is slipping out of reach. That is incredibly important to me, and I thought it was to DH, but he’s told me that he never thought much about it, even when he did believe. Thinking of eternity just has never been a priority, and he doesn’t understand why I worry about something so far in the future.

During my FC, the thing that scared me the most was the thought that after death, I wouldn’t be with my family. I love them so much, and the thought of losing them forever once death claimed them was much too painful. So I can definitely relate with you there. I don’t have any advice on this except to empathize.

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So here’s where my faith stands right now. I’ve been there before, doubting and trying to figure out what to believe. It was back in college, before I ever met DH. Never told anyone about it, and worked out my answers alone. What I decided in the end was that although there were still troubling bits, I had more reasons to believe than not to, and that I was happier with the church than I would be without it. I haven’t thought much of it since then, until DH brought all this up. I did some soul-searching, but it wasn’t as hard as it was for me before. My same reasons for believing still apply. The things I love about the gospel far outweigh the parts that trouble me, and I find a lot of peace and comfort in it. I’m not someone who can say I know the church is true, but I can definitely say I believe.

Out of curiosity, have you told your DH any of this? Like, has he asked you why you stay, and have you told him honestly why?

I can sympathize with your DH. I don’t know much about him, but I assume he was trying to push the matter so hard out of love. It’s difficult coming out of the church mainstream; because it’s such a black and white culture, many people who leave continue viewing matters in a black and white way with little room for all the wonderful colors and shades in between. It becomes the church is absolutely all wrong, because it isn’t absolutely all right, and many people, looking back on their time in the church, view it as negative and don’t want the people they care about living in what they perceive as a negative situation. It’s a difficult mindset to get out of, but not impossible.

I don’t know what advice to give for these situations really, since I came in and out of my FC crisis much like you did the first time — I worked out everything myself and still plan to stay faithfully in the church. I’ve had siblings part ways with the church, but it’s been graceful, and they still strive to be great LDS examples to our younger siblings, so they can decide for themselves in time. But I think that’s because my older siblings recognize that their church experience wasn’t all black and white. Perhaps your DH think it is and just needs a little guidance to see the spectrum.

On a final note, when you have to cry, cry. It’s much more healthy than suppressing it and holding it back. And know that this forum is here for you when you need a little encouragement and support.

[Anonymous]

StoneGypsy wrote:

I’d love any suggestions on how to have conversations on this tricky, personal subject while avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this struggle. I am too, except I am in your husband’s position and my husband is in yours. When I read the above quote from your post, I couldn’t help but think about the relationship improvement workshop I’ve been teaching. Next week we are going to be discussing how to talk to our partners about the most difficult types of issues. Our workshop material is based on the research work of Dr. John Gottman. I wondered if you might be interested in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book has some steps on how to talk about difficult topics while maintaining understanding and acceptance of your partner. It also has activities to do with your spouse to help you focus on their positive aspects rather than negative. As I’ve taught this course, I’ve realized how important this information can be to any relationship.

Anyway, just wanted to put that out there that you can find successful techniques for dealing with deep personal differences in a relationship. There are a lot of other resources, Gottman is just the one I am most familiar with right now and his work is backed by research.

[Anonymous]

StoneGypsy: You wrote:

Quote:

I still believe in the gospel, and I feel like the eternal family I hoped for is slipping out of reach.

I’m interested to know, what is your definition of “the eternal family”.

I know that my definition has changed over time. A lot of my definitions of various gospel subjects have changed over the years.

Just curious. And welcome.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

My greatest struggles came from a panic feeling I had that my eternal family, what I worked my whole life for as the most important thing in my life, was not looking like what I expected no matter what I tried, and I had fears of the implications eternally.

West wrote:

During my FC, the thing that scared me the most was the thought that after death, I wouldn’t be with my family. I love them so much, and the thought of losing them forever once death claimed them was much too painful. So I can definitely relate with you there. I don’t have any advice on this except to empathize.

I’m right there with you guys. I wasn’t lost on the ramifications of discussing it with DW. I knew that when I told her about my feelings that I would be projecting that same loss onto her. That realization made it extra hard, it was a terrible feeling.

StoneGypsy,

Thanks for sharing more.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I didn’t come back yesterday. Life and all. Thank you for all your responses. I’m happy to see that so many of you feel/felt worry over the eternal family. When DH thought I shouldn’t stress about it so much, I wondered if it was just me who put such an emphasis on it. Sorry I’m going to ramble here, but everything you’ve said has made me think so much. I’ll reply to just a few, in kinda random order.

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Heber13 wrote:

“I wish spouses and leaders alike would understand the position of someone who begins to doubt or not believe, and that it doesn’t label the entire person as bad.”

I agree, and this bothers me. I especially don’t like it that, as wonderful as you all are, I have no choice but an anonymous internet forum if I want to talk to anyone other than DH about this. Wish there were someone I knew who I could trust to understand and help me sort through it all. But I’m afraid of the implications if I talk to anyone at church, and my family would empathize, but I’m afraid they’d look at DH differently afterward. And my friends outside of church would listen, but not really understand. We both feel isolated, from each other and everyone else. I’m so glad you’re here!

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West wrote:

“Out of curiosity, have you told your DH any of this? Like, has he asked you why you stay, and have you told him honestly why?”

I have told him. That period of doubt in my life had never come up before. I hadn’t even thought about it for years, but we’ve discussed it now. He knows my testimony, that I love the church, and that I’m scared I wouldn’t be happy without it. I think he doesn’t like it, because choosing something like that just out of emotion (both peace and fear) doesn’t make sense to him.

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journeygirl wrote:

“I couldn’t help but think about the relationship improvement workshop I’ve been teaching. Next week we are going to be discussing how to talk to our partners about the most difficult types of issues. Our workshop material is based on the research work of Dr. John Gottman. I wondered if you might be interested in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”

It sounds helpful. I’ve got it on hold at the library. Thanks.

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Mike wrote:

“I’m interested to know, what is your definition of “the eternal family”.”

Hmm. That’s tricky. Definition-wise, I’d say that it’s a family in which the familial relationships last forever, and we get to see each other often. But I don’t know just what that will look like. In my mind, it’s DH and me together, progressing and learning in various areas, much as we love to do now. I imagine our children, grandchildren and ancestors nearby, or at least very accessible. Guess I basically see it as getting to have the people I most love around me, and all of us being able to share in the joy of our own and the others’ journeys.

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Daeruin wrote:

About baptism, tithing, etc. That’s one reason I think your husband could benefit from being here…..There are lots of ways to look at things beyond the traditional, orthodox way. If your husband has time to read and research church history or theology enough to be having a crisis of faith, maybe he can sacrifice some of that study time to come here and get some alternative viewpoints. It couldn’t hurt and may help—a lot.

I’ll try. Part of the reason he hasn’t stopped coming to church is that he feels he doesn’t have enough time to thoroughly research right now, and he wants to be sure. But I think this forum would be worth the time it would take, even if he couldn’t spare much.

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Heber13 wrote:

“When we have hope, we can push to find ways to get to the phase where we accept things as they are, and find ways to reconnect and feel more depth in the relationships from such efforts.”

I am hopeful, and this is what I’m going for. Thank you for saying it so well.

[Anonymous]

StoneGypsy, I believe deeply in the concept and principle of sealing – but I don’t believe it is an event. I believe it is a process, and the temple wording frames it that way.

If you are interested, please read the following from my personal blog. I hope it helps:

“Temple Sealing as a Shadow of Practical Sealing” (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2013/02/temple-sealing-as-shadow-of-practical.html)

[Author]

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