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So, we’ve been going through quite an experience at our house in the past year. I am writing this up with my wife’s permission. My wife has had serious chemical depression for 25 years. Her mother had it. Her sisters have it. Her grandmother had it.
One day, our Ward Executive Secretary gave us a call and said the bishop would like to come over to our house and meet with us. We agreed to the meeting. When the bishop came over, he sat down with my wife and I and said that he had heard that she had some mental health issues, and that he had prayed about it, that he believed in a God of miracles and said it was time for my wife to be cured.
He did not ask about the nature or depth of the illness. He did ask us if we would be willing to fast and pray and spiritually prepare for several weeks, at which time she would get a blessing. Based on a lifetime of experience living with a depressed person, I expressed my hesitancy. He then asked whether we would ‘turn down a blessing from God?” With a lifetime of LDS conditioning, what could we say?
My wife had been under a doctor’s care for many years. Each of the medications tended to lose efficacy after a period, and we had run the gamut of what we thought the available meds were. We had recently been to a psychiatrist, who had recommended going on to the next level of psychotropic drugs, drugs that had substantial health risks. My wife had decided that she did not want to do that, but did not know what else to do. Here was the bishop, offering a cure, if we had faith. Of course, we took the bait.
The bishop then said that my wife should think about and prepare for what her life would be like after the cure and that she should plan on getting off of her meds at the time of the blessing.
We prepared for the specified period. The bishop wanted me to give the blessing, which I declined, because of reservations about the situation. He came to our home and with our two children present gave her the blessing, then exited.
Then the hell started. At first, there is a great improvement when you get off depression meds, because the negative side effects go away. Then, inexorably, the depression and anxiety really set in. My wife so wanted the miracle. She worked extraordinarily hard at it for several months, all the while dropping deeper and deeper. At stake was her faith, her testimony and all that she had always believed in. Worse and worse, it got. Finally, when she was no longer rational and I could see that something needed to happen, she agreed to let go of the hope for the miracle and get back into a doctor. Because her main doctor had basically washed his hands of her, we found another doctor. He tried some older meds that we had been unaware of, along with some nutritional supplements, and eventually, some visits with a psychologist who has proven to be extremely helpful. Several months of recovery ensued. Life is still difficult, but it is livable.
After the recovery, I talked to my wife, who confided that she had been just days from a suicide. At the time, it seemed like the logical thing to her to do.
Since the blessing, the bishop never asked us to come in, never asked in a meaningful way about how she was doing. For a long time, my wife was too angry to meet with him. Just last Sunday though, she decided it was time. Her purpose was to just try and keep him from giving similar advice to other mental health patients. She stressed that he probably would not have given that same advice to a diabetic, or a cancer patient. So, why give it to a mental health patient with a life-threatening disease. The bishop reacted better than we had hoped. He seemed truly sorry. It was healing to get it off of our shoulders. It has been very difficult dealing the fact that our bishop’s advice almost took the person I cherish most.
We are determined from this experience to never let ourselves be so vulnerable again. It could be the topic of several other posts to discuss the affect on our testimonies, and the things we have been learning.
I have SERIOUS concerns, about the church’s and our LDS society’s inability/disability in dealing with mental health issues. No bishop should ever be giving this kind of advice. I think it was outside the range of his stewardship, per our doctrine, to be inserting himself into our family in this way. Perhaps these also should be the subject of other posts. I hope this post may be useful to the Staylds readers.
Please thank your wife for allowing you to share your story. I’m no stranger to mental illness myself, and have watched helplessly as family members have waited for miracles which never happened. I hesitate to confess that I’d hoped your story wasn’t about to end with one, though I obviously would wish that you and your family did not have to deal with this burden.
silentstruggle wrote:She stressed that he probably would not have given that same advice to a diabetic, or a cancer patient.
A good observation. It’s good to know that the bishop took it well. Hopefully he will take it to heart and make some adjustments. Maybe we’ll see him show up here sooner or later.
Here is a principle (hopefully not too far off-topic) that I struggle with on a regular basis. Proposition: even though your bishop failed in his ostensible purpose to bring about a miraculous cure, he was still inspired, and you were blessed for following his counsel. You changed physicians, got on some new medication, etc. Perhaps there were other circumstances that you didn’t mention where the hand of God could be discerned. Even had the near-term results had been less positive, it would still be possible to make such arguments. I think the idea is closely related to “following the prophet even if he tells you to do something wrong”, and that God is ultimately in charge of all things. The upshot is usually that local leaders are, one way or another, always inspired. Of course it’s impossible to counter such arguments logically, and in a way I feel a little guilty about not being able to accept them because it indicates a lack of humility (or credulity
😈 ), but I can’t seem to go there. Did this ever enter your mind?All I can say is Wow!!! Thanks to your wife for letting us know about that. It took faith, that’s for sure, and I think it underscores the need to give blessings as we are ASKED to give them, and not to volunteer ourselves as healers. If your wife had asked for the blessing, I think the negative “side-effects” of the blessing would not have happened in the same doses. I have learned an important lesson here.
My mother has a rare form of schizophrenia, so this issue is near and dear to my heart. As a result, I have written extensively about mental illness and the Atonement on my personal blog. I had a few main thoughts as I read your post:
1) Nobody should see mental illness as curable through a blessing. IT MIGHT BE in some cases – and I’m NOT saying I don’t believe in the type of miracle your Bishop expected. As a general rule, however, in nearly all cases, a blessing should not be seen as a viable cure. Period. Full stop.
2) I believe mental illnesses are covered in the effects of “Adam’s transgression” in our 2nd Article of Faith (as part of the Fall) – which means I believe their effects have been paid for already – which means we have been redeemed from them – which means we don’t need to have faith in being healed of them in the here and now miraculously. If that happens, as I believe it does on very rare occasion, great; if not, we need to deal with them the best way we know how and thank God daily that we live in a time when medication and therapies are available to use in that effort.
3) In a recent General Conference talk, one of the apostles (I forget which one.) made it crystal clear that miraculous healing is not always the result of or dependent solely on our faith – that of the blessor and/or the blessee. There is always an element of “thy will be done” involved. So, your Bishop was out of line in one way – phrasing the result as contingent solely on your and your wife’s faith.
4) I also had the thought that perhaps his effort was good in one important way – that his mistaken belief at least caused a situation where you were able to find a better solution than the one you were trying before his attempt. I know the hell that issues such as this can cause, so I can’t say with any degree of certainty that my last sentence is correct (and I certainly wouldn’t wish such an experience on anyone), but there is that possibility that the Lord allowed something to occur and used it for good in the end.
5) The other “blessing” that came out of this is that you both seem to have accepted (finally?) that this is a life-long condition. Maybe that was the case prior to the Bishop’s intervention, but I get the sense that there still was some idea that there might be a cure out there. Perhaps there will be at some point in the future, but “Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change” is a beautiful concept, imo. I hope that can be true in your situation for both of you.
Wow. Just wow. Yeah, priesthood blessings are not he answer to these issues. I just hope the church leadership wakes up soon, because this is the same kind of dangerous nonsense they were talking about when it comes to issues like same-sex attraction as well.
My god, a post like this just makes me terrible sad and dishearten about the direction some of our leaders are taking. Good luck friend.
This is a powerful post. Thank you for sharing. It is sooo difficult to know how to interpret things. It sounds like this bishop was well meaning and thought he was inspired, and probably felt bad when things did not turn out. My husband gave a blessing to a sister he home-taught years ago. She was very ill in the hospital and all her non member family was there when he gave the blessing that she will get well and live a long life. My husband rarely feels like he gets inspiration but actually felt inspired this time. It devestated him when she died the following week. Perhaps this mission really struggled with what to believe too. My youngest son has a same-sex attraction and our home teacher, who was also the institute director, knew about it. He gave my son a blessing that he would be cured of this. Well, it ain’t happened so far. So many times I believe we say what we want so much to happen for someone and feel it so strongly that we take it as inspiration. We have no idea what God’s purposes and ways are sometimes and just have to stand back and watch it play out. In hindsight we can sometimes see God’s hand in all this. I do believe in God and prayer. I do let Heavenly Father know what I wish would happen but then trust Him and watch for His hand in how it plays out. Patience and reserving judgment is important in staying humble.
My wife had stage 3 breast cancer. I so wanted a cure for her and prayed and prayed. Blessings and more blessings. I received a revelation one day that her time for suffering was over and she could heal now. The next day the doctor called and said the cancer had spread. Eventually she had multiple surgeries resulting in infections and many complications. It broke my faith and sent me on the road I am on. NOt because she was not cured, but because I was so sure God had spoken to me that she would suffer no more, yet she suffered tremendously. I do not blame God, I accept that I was mistaken. So I really understand how you feel. You want a cure you want to believe. You have been trained all your life to believe. Then it does not work out and you are left with questions. this is one of the dangers of Mormonism that is never addressed. What do you do when the promises you perceive are coming are not fulfilled. It can drive you away. At least it did me to some extent.
I appreciate the comments, but I wanted to clarify a few things: 1) Having worked with depression for 25 years, we already knew that this was most likely a life-long issue. That is not something we discovered as a result of this experience. When we were at the specialist’s office, we were not looking for a cure, we were looking for something to make life tolerable.
2) While we have had a relatively good result after the crisis, and I am grateful for it, I can tell you that we would have pursued that option with or without the bishop’s intervention. I do NOT see that as a happy result of an unfortunate situation.
3) In general, and unlike some other Christian denominations, we are encouraged to make full use of the best medical help available. I do not think in any other serious illness, such as heart disease, diabetes, cancer, multiple sclerosis, that a church leader would EVER counsel a member to get off of meds and to not use the best medical knowledge possible. I know that talks have been given in general conference to this effect, but I am not sure what is stated in the general handbook.
4) For some reason however, in our LDS culture (and in fairness many other cultures) mental illness is equated with the ‘spirit’, more specifically, a weakness of spirit. We are slow to recognize that the brain is an organ, just like the liver, or the heart or whatever. Mental illness is viewed as spiritual rather than a physical weakness and therefore subject to a different set of rules and attitudes than other illnesses. The following talk is out there, but I don’t think widely read or assimilated into our thought processes:
http://lds.org/ensign/2005/10/myths-about-mental-illness?lang=eng 5) If the bishop had come over and just given a blessing without promising a complete cure and counseling against medication, things would have been fine.
6) Doug, I do not mean to be argumentative and I do appreciate your thoughts, but I think that the idea that local leaders are always inspired does not help this situation. IMO, it is not true. That is exactly the problem, and we as LDS people go to great lengths to mentally connect dots, so that we can continue to believe our original assertions.
7) We are LDS people are taught from infancy to revert to our child selves when in the presence of our Priesthood Leaders. Basically, we roll over and show our vulnerable underbellies, and as such as RIPE for being abused. For me and my house, this will never happen again. They are just men, albeit with a protective shell and a power that we give them over us through a lifetime of conditioning. Based on this experience and others, I am convinced, that this bishop was on a ‘priesthood’ power trip and really enjoying the buzz that gave his ego.
Most LDS people can just stay in the groove, and think the thoughts they’ve always thought and it works out fine. If they don’t, we either have to do what I mention in #6, or go through the painful, frightening, but ultimately enlightening and empowering process of having NEW thoughts.9) What I was truly grateful for was the fact that the bishop did not chastise us for not having enough faith.
10) While I understand the Abraham/Isaac model of sacrifice, I do not think that willingness to sacrifice a loved one just to obey a local leader constitutes or should constitute a normal demand of LDS church membership, or discipleship for that matter.
Ray and CWALD, my wife is a staylds lurker, and one of the last things she said last night, is that she hoped Ray and CWALD respond. Thanks for your great thoughts (here and elsewhere)!
I apologize to all about this whole thing being such a downer. I do appreciate the ability to get it off of my chest.
Thanks. silentstruggle wrote:…I apologize to all about this whole thing being such a downer. I do appreciate the ability to get it off of my chest.
Yep, that is the good thing about this site. It’s just a good safe place to unload and dump the baggage when there is not other available outlets.
Mental illness has gotten some attention in the last few years, but it just takes so LONG to change the local leadership and the
culture. Priesthood holders would NEVER bless an amputee to grow a new arm or a new leg, but for some reason there are those in the church who think they can miraculously through a blessing change the chemistry of the brain. It is mistake, and I’m really afraid that it’s not going to go away and many in our tribe will continue to dismiss the issues surrounding mental illness, especially since we are hearing from GC that the Priesthood is the cure for homosexuality. Please. :wtf: Amen to everything you shared in your last comment, ss. It’s such a simple answer to me, but we are fighting literally thousands of years of misunderstanding.
silentstruggle wrote:
6) Doug, I do not mean to be argumentative and I do appreciate your thoughts, but I think that the idea that local leaders are always inspired does not help this situation. IMO, it is not true. That is exactly the problem, and we as LDS people go to great lengths to mentally connect dots, so that we can continue to believe our original assertions.I think I did a bad job of stating what I was thinking. I obviously need to be more careful. And I’m more than a little mortified to think that you might have taken my comment as a suggestion to simply exercise more faith in your leaders. My apologies.
If you care to have another look, what I meant to say was that in circumstances such as yours, there are some in the church who have a knack for turning these things around so that no matter what happened or happens, the idea of local priesthood leaders being inspired is unassailable. I am certainly not one of those people, but because I am subject to hearing this kind of thinking more than I would like, I can’t help wondering sometimes (momentarily) if those people are right. I wondered if you had dealt with this, and if so, how you dealt with it. This issue is so closely tied with what kind of a god I believe in. But I should probably just shut up now.
Doug, the thing that I treasure most about staylds is having the ability to openly discuss issues, and even disagree. That is something I have no where else. I didn’t take offense to what you said and I could be wrong in many things I say. I do appreciate your comments and input! Of course, written comments have their limitations and sometimes we don’t get across what we would wish. As you restated your point, I see better what you meant, and find myself in the conundrum!
Thank you for sharing the story with everyone. I don’t have much else wisdom to add. Just thanks. Sorry to hear about it. I have to deal with some of these types of issues in my life with people I love. It can be very hard at times. Can I add that we know the bishop was full of good intentions? I’ve had some follow up thoughts and will put in another post as a new topic.
silentstruggle Thanks for sharing. Mental illness can be very challenging to deal with. I hope that new meds and or treatments will some day offer better relief. It is heart wrenching when you have so much hope and faith yet the promised healing doesn’t come. Then of course we have to spin it to keep our faith unscathed. I think the answer is simple and obvious, “the emperor is naked!”
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