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Hello everyone. I was born and raised in a firmly active LDS family. I served a full-time mission. And 2 years ago married a recent convert to the church. I struggle with chronic depression and anxiety and have for most of my life and am currently deciding on going back to therapy for the 4th time in 6 years. I feel it’s important for people to know that about me even though the things I want to discuss on these forums are mostly related to my marriage, my husband and the church. My husband is a disabled Marine Corps Vet. and my polar opposite in almost every way. Where I was raised naive and innocent, He was an abused and troubled youth. Getting to know my husband has been an eye-opening experience for me. We met at church. And I couldn’t doubt for one second that God placed us together for a reason. The spirit conveyed to me a deep understanding from the beginning of our relationship that a marriage with him would be a difficult challenge, but worth every moment. These first 2 years have certainly been hard, but I feel the worst is yet to come. And I admit, I’ve been having my doubts on if I can keep going. I feel as though most people like me wouldn’t understand and accept my husband for who he is, but I can, and that’s why It’s so important that I stick with him. Not to mention his innate ability to help me through my anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. Although my husband is a convert to the church he still has many doubts and misunderstandings on gospel doctrine and teachings. I haven’t been able to guide him through his doubts very well and I find I am tested to my limit. We haven’t been to church in many weeks. This and many other issues add strain to our marriage and I am not sure what more I can do to motivate both of us toward better activity.
I have my own doubts too. My husband uses medicinal cannabis to treat his PTSD and many other health problems he has from service in the military. Although I have seen it have positive effects on him, I am not entirely convinced that his beliefs about it’s usefulness are in line with the gospel. I feel he uses it more often than is necessary. It is not a magic Cure-All sent from heaven, it is simply a plant with some usefulness to mankind. Even though I have found that it can help me combat my anxiety and depression, using it, in and of itself, is a source of anxiety for me. I would look forward to the day when we can live in a place where it’s use is socially acceptable. And I hope it’s medical use is condoned by our church leaders. But I am wary of the thought that I may have a fight with my husband over what’s more important, “Weed or Church?”
I tried not to make this intro so long. But it all had to come out sooner or later.
I look forward to your replies.
I don’t have a lot of time right now, but I want to welcome you here. I hope we can help each other in some way. My only concern right now is a touchy one, and I’m not going to ask you to answer it publicly. In fact,
I would ask very directly that you not answer it publicly, unless the answer has no way of causing any difficulty for you and your husband.I don’t want the answer to be written and posted here; I simply want to ask it for your own consideration – with a little prep work first. PTSD can be a terrible thing, and it varies so radically among different people that it is almost impossible to understand fully without knowing someone intimately – and it isn’t easy even then. I have no problem whatsoever with someone using medical cannibas to treat it or lots of other ailments, and I support laws that make it legal to do so. If we allow the use of alcohol as a legal substance (and I don’t have a problem with it being legal), I think it is silly that we don’t allow a substance that generally is more benign than alcohol, especially for a diagnosed condition and even more so when prescribed. My only issue at all with its use is the legality, which varies according to location.
I can understand your concern, especially if the use is outside the law where you live, but I also hope you never leave him over something that helps him cope with such a difficult issue as PTSD – particularly when it includes a childhood of abuse. If there is another way for him to cope (through medication or counseling), that is one thing – but, when used truly as a medical option, I can’t accept divorce over disagreement about legal medical treatment, regardless of what any local church leaders might believe.
Thank you for your response! My issue is mostly one of not knowing what to think about the issue. I love my husband and I support his getting the medication that helps him. But I have been afraid to talk to ANYONE about my concerns for fear of what I might hear. After testing the waters with my family and hearing them fiercely deny any possible medical use for cannabis, I’ve been more than a little worked up . . . letting my fears heap up more and more anxiety.
Too many thoughts running through my head right now make more than a short response. Others will post things in agreement with what I think as Ray already has. Weed versus Church is not grounds for divorce. Please, please do not even consider it. Your husband should be more important.
Medical marijuana and the Word of Wisdom depends on who you talk to.
PTSD and depression are not to be trifled with. There is help available. If your husband isn’t getting help through the VA he should check into it. I think you should stay in constant therapy if your depression is chronic and you shouldn’t stop just because you are having a good spell. I don’t think that self medicating with marijuana for depression is a good thing.
Hi, welcome to the forum. I probably can’t offer much in the way of advice but I can offer support. I have a relative who is in a similar situation to your husband in several ways. We love him and accept that the trauma he has been through throughout his life means he does things differently to how we might. And that’s ok. I always try to ask myself how I would be, if I’d had his experiences. I don’t think I’d be doing so well. I think I’d be lying in a ditch somewhere. I can imagine that for you it’s emotionally shattering to live with. I was re-reading a journal from 3 years ago recently where I was in a challenging situation. At the time my biggest focus became compassion and charity. I tried to focus on loving the people in my life and being patient and applying princples of Christlike love. It wasn’t easy, I often slipped up in my attempts, but it was also very, very fulfilling. I don’t know if that helps or hinders. But we’ll be happy to support you. Hi, reki – You’ve got a heavy load. I’m glad you’re here; it’s a been a real support for me. I hope there are people you can open up to “real” life, too, and that you can care for yourself while you’re helping your husband. Glad you posted Ann. Sometimes there are great recommendations from the members here, other times there are simply great experiences to be shared that might serve others in some way….I like what Ray posted, just considering some things first. I’d like to share my own experience and maybe it will be useful:
I’ve struggled with alcohol for many years. My wife found that I had been drinking a few times and it was hurtful to her. I felt guilty and like a bad person, accepted I was an addict, and promised (and meant) to keep the WoW fully….but then resumed, occasionally, and continued to keep it hidden.
Recently we had a serious discussion about my feelings about the church, our marriage, and use of alcohol. I no longer feel like an addict–and want to be able to make the choice. She accepted that, saying only that she wanted openness and honesty, no more dishonesty. It felt wonderful. To the extent that I haven’t gone out and started buying beer–it just isn’t that important to me. It was a weight lifted from my shoulders.
So my experience taught me that there are things we can disagree about as married couples–and it may be a difficult conversation to have, with tears and some heartache–but in the end the honesty and acceptance that can come from it may be worth it.
Acceptance in either the form of “it’s OK” or acceptance in the form of “I don’t like it, but you have to make your own decisions”.It may be that my wife and I don’t stay married because of other issues, things and beliefs that we have drifted too far apart from, but I believe we’ll have to make that decision together when the time comes.
I don’t know of any situation where church should have priority over ones family. If every Mormon wife divorced their husbands who don’t I follow the WOW…well it would….
Nevermind.
My opinion, the only issue I can see about pot or alcohol that would warrant even considering divorce, is if it affects your personal relationship outside of church culture.
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If there is a prescription for it, I think you can feel OK it falls outside the vague rules of the Word of Wisdom and how that is interpreted by people. It seems the greater issue is how to have a sustaining and fulfilling marriage despite the challenges you face as a couple, whatever that issue is. Your upbringing and values taught from your family and your time in the church are a part of you, and become a factor on how you feel about things.
The relationship needs trust and commitment between two people to have a foundation to grow. With that foundation, you can work through almost any issue.
Welcome to the group.
There are many prescription drugs that are close or even identical to illegal ones. My grandmother was prescribed the equivalent of “speed” and morphine is only a small step away from some very heavy illegal drugs. A friend of mine was prescribed steroids for a while. Personally I think the criminalization of marijuana is a really huge mistake in the US. It’s not generally harmful. The worst it does is reduce ambition and give you the munchies. If you’ve ever seen the movie Reefer Madness from the 1940s, you’ll see the utterly crazy and nonsensical ideas people had about it. So I don’t see the church embracing it too soon. But I would operate under a don’t ask, don’t tell. So many members use prescription meds, even excessively. As treatment for PTSD, it is proven to have benefit, and as people have said, PTSD is serious business. I’m pro marriage also, like the rest of the gang here. Divorce for things like abuse is probably the best course, but not for ideological reasons. Work at your marriage. Love your husband. Thank you for your comments and the warm welcome! It really helps to know that other people have similar experiences. Being a part of this group has already helped me more than I can say. Thank you 
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I too have some issues with PTSD from serving in Iraq. I see a LCSW at the VA and have tried different meds to help. I currently only use meds to help me sleep and I think that works for the most part. I have never tried pot and I know that the VA can not prescribe it. Trying to balance depression, family and faith crisis issues can be extremely hard. I had my church issues right after coming back from overseas and I felt very confused about issues with the war because I saw that things weren’t as I believed. I had a faith crisis with the church, my country, the VA system and also health issues related to injuries suffered in Iraq. I guess what I am trying to say is some times there is a whole lot on plate and we need to be patient with each other and with ourselves. If your husband needs to check out every now and then, well, that is just the way it is and as long as he can keep it together 95% of the time, then don’t stress too much. There is no shame in getting help when we need it. I hope we can be a help to you here at stayLDS. I know that it has help me and just knowing that you are not alone makes it a little more bearable. Hi Reki, Welcome to staylds. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles.
When the church gives health guidelines they are speaking in broad terms to what works for most people. Your husband’s situation is not falling under the “most people” category in my mind.
I am pro marriage all the way, especially if kids are involved. I live with a Jack Mormon and know what it feels like to have anxiety about the way they live, or the way you live sometimes to be on the same page and keep peace. It’s a very tough mental game I play too. But I decided divorcing my husband who is a great Dad and loves me so I could be a better Molly Mormon was simply more immoral than anything I’ve done this year with him that falls under the “non member” behavior category. With all that said, if you don’t have kids now is the time to evaluate and work through this so you know you can be happy married to him and vice versa. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
Hi Reki, I was raised in an orthodox family, so you can imagine the crushing feeling I had when I learned of my husband’s questioning of church history and his desire to become a little less engaged at church. I could have married anyone, and I chose him and now my eternal family was kaput. Saying I spent many late nights and early mornings crying and praying is an understatement.
The answer I received over and over was to love him. To love him for him…like a mother loves a child…no matter what he did. Love him for him, not for his occupation or church calling or activity, but simply and purely love him as a human being. With time, that pure love came.
The other impression I had was that his story isn’t over. He had years to define himself, and if I stuck with him I would be happy.
Finally, because my husband’s parents divorced, I came to realize that he was very fearful that on a deep level that I too would leave him or at least not accept him. When I truly accepted him and promised not to leave him, things started to get easier and better.
12 years later I am happy! I love him deeply and we are true partners. I am so glad I didn’t give up on him in those first few years.
I guess I would recommend the same to you. Take a few deep breathes and don’t expect life to work out in this moment. Enjoy today for what it is. Enjoy your husband and your relationship for what it is today. Accept yourself and him.
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