Need greatly to vent

[Anonymous]

Let me preface by saying this is a pity party, I know it. Logically I know it is, I know others should not govern how I feel, that people do not equal church etc. I am just so tired of trying, of repeating all of the logical, but never having it sink in to the emotional. You always hear people say how great the church is, how it is there when you need it. It has never been that way for me. Culturally I have always felt jilted. Being younger my family never fit in. Women in the ward were always rude about my mom who worked out side of the home, and didn’t fit into their stereotype in other ways. Then we moved to a new ward when I was 16 in different boundaries, and no one even tried so I became inactive. When then moved again, and some seriously bad things occurred with in my family, the bishop knew about it but was judgemental and mean. I know he was just a bad seed, but I am not sure why our family attracts the bad seeds. No one ever reached out to us, The rest of my family stopped attending as well. My mom who had never really believed found no reason to go, my sister as well. My dad struggled with where his place in the church was/is now that he is not married anymore. He believes, but doesn’t attend.

So I stopped attending, met my RM husband, and started to go again. Tried my hardest to do and feel what is right, mainly for him, and was married in the temple. Fast forward a few year in a Utah ward, I go through the hardest trial of my life, a big deal. No one knows, but I tell the bishop I no longer want a calling and stop going. I fade away, which is fine, but I wonder where the idea that the church is so generous and caring all the time is. I figure maybe the people in my ward are just different. All the women my age all seem to cling to one another, I was the outsider yet again. Then we move out of state, and get in this ward with ridiculous boundaries where everyone in my neighborhood, and kids schools go to another close ward. I am looped up in this weird little scoop that makes it so I commute right past my church to another that is a decent drive. Everyone in that ward is close because they all live by one another. In the other ward I have a few friends, but not many. I have tried to make friend with them, but it seems like ward boundaries dictate so much. Just the other day I was with some people and they started talking about this ward get together thing they do a few times a week, they just talked as though I wasn’t there. I guess I could have invited myself, but I have put myself out there so much with women from that ward, I am just tired of trying. I have only one person I would call a friend from that ward, and she invites me to some things. I feel like the outsider. If I wasn’t so starved for adult attention I might keep my dignity, and not go to things that I don’t really feel welcomed to. I stay at home, my husband works a lot, and I have no family anywhere near. My husband job is complicated in that I can not rely on him to be home at certain days or times, so I can’t really work part time, or take classes. Recently with my mom being sick, I feel like my world is falling down, and I feel lonely here so far away from her. People around me know what is going on, people in my ward know. I know this part especially is the pitty me part, but no one really cares. I feel like things are caving in around me, and no one around me gives a crap. I don’t want a lot, maybe just acknowledgment, or at least the common courtesy to not plan get together right in front of my face.

I keep wondering why it is I haven’t experienced the sweet part of church everyone talks about. Aside from a few times in my life I have been inactive I have gone, been nice to people, offered help anytime someone was in need. I feel like I should fit in, like I do all the “right” things culturally. I don’t know why it is that I have never experience that goodness people talk about, that warm community that is there when your down. For me the church has been another things that brings me down when things are not going well. I am trying to sort through my feelings, but I feel like it is impossible for me to divorce the people from the church. I try, but has intertwined so much I can’t think about the doctrine with out feeling the culture. I can’t feel something for the teaching of the church, with out feeling the my history with it socially. I don’t know why I have always been the outsider, I wonder if it is me, maybe I am so phony now people see it. I am though, I have changed who I am so much to try to fit the mold, and be who I should be I don’t know myself now. I use to be funny, and outspoken, now I am opposite of that. I censor everything I say. No one know much about me other than the surface. Maybe I am not close to anyone because I won’t let them be close. I have so many skeletons that I feel like people would not like me. The friend I do have is so devout, I can see that would be a problem if she knew even a little of the real me. What I have been through, that I don’t know if I even believe the church is true. I feel like I have lost myself. I am not sure if I should just take a very large break to sort things out, but I feel like any sense of friendship I do have around here would be lost if I stopped going. I guess fear of letting people down, and being a lone is stopping me. Also obligation I just recieved a new calling, and I work with someone that has been sweet to me. I would feel bad letting her down.

Someone here suggested CBT, and I did buy the book, and right now I can see all of the things to question, and to counter. I feel like I have let fear, and having low self esteem be a part of my life for so long it is a hard to change that. I am trying, but like I said I just need to vent, and it does feel better to just get it all out there.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Hi brynngal.

I do understand venting. It’s kind of like ‘Throwing Up’ . You just have to get it all out in order to feel better. But, ‘throwing up’ hurts and feels miserable You are trying to sort things out and figure out what to do. Just talking about it all, can help you see better. Sounds like you have tried so hard and with little successful. Your needs are not being met. We are social beings and need friendship and understanding. You are even trying to understand if what you are saying or doing is turning people off. I too struggle with self-esteem from time to time. What makes it worse is not being sure of things anymore in relationship to the church or gospel. I was feeling somewhat like you recently and forced myself to attend a Bible study class at the Nazarene church down the street. It was like an answer to prayer. First of all, they were some of the most friendly and loving people, making me feel so welcome. But, the lesson they had was exactly what God knew I needed to hear that night. It was on “Conquering the Pain in Your Past”. It was taken from the book of Judges in the Bible. The handout had this quote:

“Until we acknowledge painful disappointment in our circumstances and relationships, we will not pursue Christ with the passion of deep thrist.”(Larry Crabb). Then we had a group discussion on this question “Draw a picture or diagram of the room in your childhood home where you spent the most time. Tell the group about the memories you associate with this place. Did you feel secure or vulnerable in this room? Accepted or rejected? What impact do the hurts from your past have on your life and attitudes today?

In the book of Judges the story of Jephthah, God uses a man with a broken and hurting past to illustrate what he will do to heal a broken pain-driven world. We learned that God loves us even when our own dysfunction causes us to run from him. Our childhoods do affect our relationships with God and other people. My mom was mentally ill after WWII and was constantly negative. I hated that, but found it had rubbed off on me and I became negative, thinking I was a realist. It turned people off towards me. Then God led me to a book called, “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself,” by Shad Helmsetter PhD psycologist. It really turned my life around as I began learning tools to handling my problems. Anyway, I want you to know that I care and this is a place to share our ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

Thank you Bridget. I have been debating for awhile now attending another church at least just to see what it is like. I could see that being a benefit to me. I think I will always worry about the dissapointment I might cause to others, but anxiety is my middle name!

[Anonymous]

Bridget gave some great advice.

I think in a perfect world, all the ward members and leaders would be christ-like and help you feel you fit in, you would have callings that develop your talents and build bonds with others, and the church meetings would spiritually strengthen you.

But I think we only find those “perfect” situations in small bits and pieces in short periods of times for our lives. Mostly, we seek it and find ways to cope when we don’t have it all.

I think since your situation is tough, you can let go of boundaries (geographic and social) that limit your options.

Could you talk to your husband about going to the other ward for a while to see if that is helpful?

You could also check out other churches to see if that is helpful, and keep explaining to your husband you are seeking ways to feel more spiritually uplifted. If the current ward can’t meet that no matter how hard you try, then one option is to look elsewhere, but at least you are still trying without repeating the same things that are not working for you.

#232069

[Anonymous]

…oh yeah…one more thing…

We moved to Colorado and our family felt we didn’t fit in, mostly because the ward is so huge. We have adjusted and done what we can … but were totally surprised one Sunday when we invited another family over for dinner. We were trying to insert ourselves more into the ward by taking initiative to “fit in” … and found it interesting the other family started opening up how they felt the same way too, and that they have talked to others in the ward that express that feeling, especially the youth.

…all that is to say…sometimes those feelings we get are real, and the situation isn’t “our fault” or “something must be wrong with me”, but the ward really does have issues. Some wards are better at some things than others.

Chances are, if you feel this way…others feel that way too. That doesn’t solve it, but can help remove some anxiety that the problem is “you” – sometimes its not…but you still are left to deal with it.

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