Never Counsel Anyone to Split Up

[Anonymous]

In many stakes, you get “local doctrine”, or “local policy” that tends to spread like wild fire throughout the the stakes and wards. I’ve seen it multiple times. One bit of local policy that was widely disseminated over the pulpit was that priesthood leaders should never “counsel anyone to split up”. They were talking about couples who experienced road blocks in their marriage. Priesthood leaders were apparently told, either by a higher authority, or by the Stake leadership, never to suggest that the couple should separate or get a divorce.

In the circles I associated with, many of the people in the Wards then interpreted this to also mean that couples should never split up. And THIS spread through the Ward I was in multiple times. To my knowledge, that perception was never corrected — if the Stake leaders even believed it should be corrected.

What do you think — SHOULD priesthood leaders “NEVER counsel couples to split up”? And was the corrolary of this policy — that couples should never split up a sound conclusion?

[Anonymous]

I certainly don’t think it’s true that couples should never split up. Obviously, abuse happens. Some people are just terrible for one another. Sometimes you marry someone who turns into a psycho. There are many reasons couples should ultimately split.

As far as not advising couples to split up, frankly that might be a good stance to have bishops adopt. Advising someone to split is taking a stand. Marriages are complex. It’s hard to know the whole story – even if people tell you their version of events, nobody is objective in telling the story of their marriage. There’s a lot of risk and not much diplomacy in taking sides.

Now, a related question is whether it’s right for LDSFS to refuse to work with couples who decide to divorce. IMO, that’s a breach of ethics. I have heard a story of a counselor from LDSFS who took this stance. I am not sure that’s normal. It’s definitely not normal for licensed therapists.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely believe there are marriages that are bad and that divorce is the best option. As often is the case, I’ve actually written about that on my own blog (since I probably have written about almost everything imaginable that is religion-related there 😆 ). However, I absolutely agree with the policy (and it is a CHI policy) for Bishops and Branch Presidents not to “counsel” couples to divorce. I agree with Hawk’s critique, but I want to add something else that is very important to me:

Bishops are asked and expected by the membership to be too much – to fill roles they shouldn’t try to fill and be who they aren’t meant to be.

Bishops are not meant to be marriage counselors, in the fullest sense of that phrase. They should be working with members (even couples, to some degree) on spiritual issues, but when they go outside those bounds . . . that’s when things start getting really dicey. (Things can get dicey enough even when they stay within strictly spiritual bounds, so straying outside them = bad idea.)

Now, having said that, I think your post nails the real issues perfectly, SD. It’s another example of building hedges about the law and/or mutating counsel into something else entirely – and members of the Church, including leaders, absolutely are not immune from that tendency.

[Anonymous]

Any time the is a hard line taken (“never split up”, “always stay together”) there are bound to be situations that don’t fit the mold and suffer for it.

It would be nice if there were absolute rules that always apply. But bishops need to use compassion and discernment to realize it just doesn’t work that way.

I could accept guidance for bishops to try to counsel families in most situations to work to stay together, but not take the hard line.

[Anonymous]

Heber, I agree totally – as long as the Bishop is not expected to counsel the couple to stay together OR to split up. I am totally fine with “do everything possible to make it work” – but I don’t want a Bishop counseling about the final decision, either way. I also don’t want a Bishop to tell a couple to keep trying to make it work if one or both are convinced a divorce or separation is necessary.

My approach would be:

Quote:

I can’t tell you whether you should divorce or stay together. That’s your decision. All I can do is try to help you no matter what your decision is – one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

I agree, I NEVER make absolute statements anymore (I’m only kidding when I say NEVER, since that is absolute in itself 😆 ).

As you get older, you realize that life is way complicated. I use words like RARELY, MOSTLY, GENERALLY etcetera but rarely ( 😆 ) do I use the word NEVER.

If I can describe what led me to post this opening thread…when I a YSA, this statement percolated throughout our Ward and Stake, and in my naive, blind obedience, I interpreted it to mean that couples should never split up after THAT extension started running through our stake. And then, in my own marriage, when extreme circustances happened that could have led to a anulmnent, I stayed with the marriage at all costs. Ultimately, I guess I was to blame for that, as I made the decision. But I have to confess — I kept going back to what my young and naive self thought was what the Church said I should do. And at that time, I thought NO ONE should ever split up.

It’s amazing how a faith/commitment crisis can lead you to revisit old perspectives. One benefit of my own crisis is that the naivete is gone now. An the stake/ward leaders who promulgated this false absolutism in that area of the world are long gone in my life. Many of them probably chug along in decent marraiges. But I continue to live with the effects of taking everything as literal in our Church.

Never again. It’s clear that the concept of inspired leaders, only one true Church can be a powerfully motivating concept — but it can also be an intensely damaging one in the hands of leaders who spread unwise counsel to the naive.

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