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Well, I’m really not sure where to start… I’ve been a member my entire life. My family is active in the church, but I’ve never been raised in a very spiritual or enthusiastic home. I absolutely love my family, and especially my sister, and wouldn’t give them up for the world. We just don’t often discuss doctorine within our family outside of church. So, I’ve never really had a strong testimony in the church. I’ve had plenty of experiences to let me know that God is true and the Gospel is true, but nothing to keep me on the straight and narrow. My mother is anything but the perfect LDS, but she’s very opinionated in her views, and maybe that’s another reason I chose to “rebel”. To better explain, she’s one of those people who has to often voice her opinion, like how ANYTHING with caffiene(beside chocolate) is wrong, how homosexuality is horrible, that skirt is TOO short, they shouldn’t ruin their face with such terrible pieces of metal, etc. I could care less. I know how I’ve been raise and what I believe to be wrong, but it’s their life, not mine. Who am I to judge them?
Anyways… getting back to the subject. I grew up in a fairly large LDS community (two wards in our building), but nothing like Utah with 5 wards. Even with this I never felt like I really clicked with any members my age. Everyone was into sports, I was into the arts and nerdy things. Everyone hung out and were invited to each others houses all the time, I was forgotten. So I became close with those I had things in common with outside of the church. When those kids started doing things that were not in conformity with the church, I guess I just followed along. It’s not like I willingly jumped into doing horrible acts. It was kind of a slow downward tumble; cursing, things with boys, alcohol, etc.
I got to the point where I was okay with these things, but still part of me yearned to follow the church and be righteous. I know I’m doing wrong, but I guess I’m doing that procrastination thing, where you just say you’ll repent later. It’s a terrible outlook and I want to change, but the other part of me is afraid to and still wants to hang on to these horrible actions.
I’m at the point where there’s really no farther I can go down, but I still need to make a choice. Do I follow the way I’m going and risk the possibility of eventually leaving the church entirely, or do I work towards improving my life and go with all the struggle that it will take to make things right? I know what I should do, I just don’t know if it’s what I want or am willing to do right now…
I really just want people to relate to and understand and help me through this.
KimiKiwi wrote:Well, I’m really not sure where to start…
I really just want people to relate to and understand and help me through this.
Kimikiwi
I think you will feel welcome here, and people here are very good at understanding, but It sounds to me like you may have not come across many of the big problems that some people have with the church. The issues I refer to cause people to sometimes loose their belief in the church and Its leaders and at times leave the church. Please stay if you want to, but I feel that it is impossible to participate in this blog site without learning many, if not all of the things that are not common to the knowledge of many members. However, if that is what you are looking for, there are many very smart and well educated members here that are caring and wise.
f4h1
I’ve come across a lot of issues with the church. How doctorine doesn’t always match up with things leaders have done. I feel like some of these things are more temporal and human related. People make mistakes, we’re imperfect, God and the Gospel itself are not. I feel like maybe there’s just miscommunication along the way and things get changed, people make mistakes. I have too many strong feelings about what I know is true to feel extremely swayed by other issues. I guess I choose to ignore some things sometimes. Maybe I’m just naive and childish, but it how I think and feel. KimiKiwi wrote:I have too many strong feelings about what I know is true to feel extremely swayed by other issues. I guess I choose to ignore some things sometimes. Maybe I’m just naive and childish, but it how I think and feel.
It’s not childish to believe in something when you have reason. It might be naive to believe in something that you haven’t sufficiently thought about and tested, but I think that that means that everybody is naive to some degree.
Kiwi – welcome. I’m going to respond to your thread in the support group, as it answered many of the questions I was going to ask you, after reading this introduction that I think it pertinent.
Kiwi, I think there is unfathomable value in following the spiritual path that is calling to you. If that means jumping into LDS activity with both feet, my vote is to go for it, as long as you don’t sue me because it isn’t “true”. Milk it for all the spiritual power it is worth. If the milk ever runs dry, I’m sure another path will call to you. As they say, “When the student is ready, the master appears.”
Welcome to the site! Quote:I got to the point where I was okay with these things, but still part of me yearned to follow the church and be righteous.
I know I’m doing wrong, but I guess I’m doing that procrastination thing, where you just say you’ll repent later. It’s a terrible outlook and I want to change, but the other part of me is afraid to and still wants to hang on to these horrible actions. I’m at the point where there’s really
no farther I can go down, but I still need to make a choice. Do I follow the way I’m going and risk the possibility of eventually leaving the church entirely, or do I work towards improving my life and go with all the struggle that it will take to make things right? I know what I should do, I just don’t know if it’s what I want or am willing to do right now… Ah, youth, it’s wasted on the young! Life is long, and not as black and white as you think now. Some of the things you are describing sound to me like you feel you should be making different choices because of the church’s teachings, but you either 1) don’t really think they are that important, or 2) don’t have the self-discipline yet to follow them. If it’s that you don’t really think those things are that important, I think you should examine each one individually. Aside from church teachings, there are some benefits to avoiding some of these things:
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cursing. Frankly, I don’t really give a damn about cursing. The only issue with cursing IMO is if you speak to others disrespectfully, you mistakenly sound more adamant than you are, or you sound vulgar and crass to others. That’s my own conclusion about it. –
sexual stuff. I’d be careful about this one. It’s true that hooking up is the norm outside the church, but there’s a reason older generations warned us to not be promiscuous. Aside from risking disease and pregnancy, IMO, premarital sex with a variety of partners erodes self-esteem and generally has worse negative consequences to girls than boys. The feminist in me worries about it. Additionally, you feel it’s wrong – meaning you now associate sexual activity with guilt. That’s something that will take you a long time to shake off, even when you’ve settled down into adult married life in a committed relationship. I’d ask yourself what you are getting from this. Acceptance? Fun for now (buy now, pay later)? –
alcohol. Again, be careful. Drinking lowers inhibitions and can lead to irresponsible behavior and bad choices. My other worry about it, especially among younger people, is that it’s often used as a form of self-medication so you don’t have to deal with life’s tough emotions, yet at the same time, as a depressant, it makes things worse. Actually, someone I know said it this way: “Alchohol, like debt, makes good times better and bad times worse.” Again, I’d ask yourself what you are getting from this. Can you get it another way without the risks? None of these things is the end of the world, BTW, and only the sexual stuff is even a “confession” sin in the church. Our forebears on this planet all dealt with these same exact things for thousands of years. But you don’t feel good about it – figure out why, and maybe you’ll have some insight into your own character as well as some more compelling personal reasons for your actions that will help you to make choices you feel good about. Life will continually present you with lessons to learn. What lessons do you need to learn from this?
I have been there myself, many years ago. This too shall pass. Best of luck to you, and welcome to the site!
Hi and welcome! You shared you felt left out growing up in church and that this behaviour took you away. I know the feeling. I had the same, although at a later point I returned back, because I have a testimony of the church and the doctrine, though people can be a different breed so to speak.
I hope you find things that will help here. It’s a good start, at least for me it was
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