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I have been an active member of the Church my entire life. Sealed to my parents when I was six, baptized when I was eight, Primary, YW, Seminary, Road Shows, Dance Festivals, sang in Saturday’s Warrior and Threads of Glory, created and participated in many firesides, served a full time mission, served as a Ward and Stake Missionary, Gospel Doctrine teacher, Primary teacher, Sunday School teacher, many music callings, YW Presidency. I have attended the Temple regularly, and worked in the LA Temple years ago upon my return from the mission field. I sang in one of the temple dedication choirs a couple of years ago. I have been completely immersed. I have loved it. I have built my entire life around it. However, at this point, I feel it is all crumbling down around me…
Over the years I have had a few questions roaming around in my mind regarding the Church, but nothing substantial or faith altering. Just observations, really. Situations with my husband and children, but nothing to cause me to question the Church at all.
This past Easter Sunday, our family spent the morning at Music and the Spoken Word and then we walked around City Creek for a bit, as my husband and I had never been there. It was suggested we get a bite to eat at Harmon’s where they have some buffets of delicious food. We all agreed, ate, laughed, had an amazing time, and we all look back on that Sunday as one of the best times we have had together.
Now, you must know, I have always been a stickler when it comes to honoring the Sabbath. No shopping (only in dire emergencies), no buying gasoline, wearing a dress all day, no eating out, no crazy music, playing hymns in the background all day long, quiet studying, VT and HT, etc., etc., etc.
At the moment it was suggested we eat out, I quickly looked at the two options in front of me: 1 – make a big deal about shopping and eating out on Sunday and basically ruining the great spirit of our family or 2 – say yes and enjoy every minute of our time together.
I am so glad I chose #2.
As we were walking towards Harmon’s, I called my mother to wish her a Happy Easter. She loves Music and the Spoken Word and was so happy we had attended it. Then she told me how upset she was with my (divorced) sister who had gone on an Easter sunrise hike with her non member male friend. She couldn’t understand why my sister would be spending time with a non member, let alone go hiking on the Sabbath. I consoled her and we ended up laughing and talking.
However, when I hung up, I described the conversation with my husband and asked him if I have been that narrow minded and judgmental? He said, yes. I was horrified.
I had recently had a conversation with my sister about marriage. I said if anything happened to my husband, I would probably not want to remarry an LDS man. She completely agreed. A little surprising, given our background and immersion in the Church.
A couple of weeks later, as I was assisting one of my children with a school project, we discovered there are 750 million Hindus living on the earth right now. Say what? 750 million? And how many Mormons? Maybe 16 million? What??? 0.05% of the population is LDS? How did I not know that?
It’s as if a light bulb went off in my head. In fact, I think something must have exploded in my head at that very moment.
My mind went wild with questions and more questions. Then I began thinking about my sons who didn’t go on missions and how they were treated. I began remembering my daughter’s experiences in YW where she didn’t feel like she quite fit in. Her idea of fun was not sewing scripture tote bags or learning how to bake. And how my youngest who comes home from church frustrated and upset for asking questions of his leaders. I remembered my husband’s frustrating experiences in Elder’s Quorum over the years.
Then, one by one, I began taking a closer look at the observations and concerns I have had over the years. I came away horrified, betrayed, shocked, hurt, numb, sad, and lost.
The good news is, this has opened up a conversation in our family that has been quite enlightening. In fact, several of my children have had questions about the Church for quite awhile but were afraid to come to me with them because they felt I would be closed minded and disappointed in them.
My husband began going inactive about four years ago. He was completely burned out with our life experiences and said he needed a break. He came on and off during the first couple of years, and has been completely inactive since. He is an RM and has been completely immersed in the Church as well. Our situation is a whole ‘nuther story.
It wasn’t until about the time my two eldest sons did not go on missions that I began feeling uncomfortable about the pressure on both the boys and the girls – the boys to go, and the girls to marry ONLY an RM. My sons are talented, gracious, loving, outgoing, and some of the best boys you’d ever want to meet. I began pondering the lessons in YW about marrying only RM’s. And considering my situation with marrying an RM, I began questioning the Church’s narrow stance and counsel.
In fact, I have begun questioning EVERYTHING. I am praying for guidance and discernment.
I find it so freeing to have conversations with my family about everything, whereas I dare not have any of these conversations outside the walls of our home. And that’s another thing. Why, oh why, is it so wrong to question and search freely in the Church? I feel like this site is a glorified Gospel Doctrine class where thinking and questioning are welcomed. It is so refreshing!
The things I once revered and had great respect for, I now look at with different eyes. Never in a million years did I ever expect to find myself where I am at this moment…
Hi, hope. Sounds like we might be about the same age and stage of life. Thanks to the wise people here, I’m not in the absolute turmoil I was in the beginning. Best wishes! Welcome, hope. I hope we can help you find peace and also learn from you.
Hope A sincere, heart-felt welcome to StayLDS.
That’s a lot of your world crashing down on you. So much to handle, but it does sound like you’re in a place where you, your husband, and your children can begin to chart your way forward.
To say that the Church is the center of the True Believer’s life is an understatement. Often, it’s everything in our lives. As we are probably similar in age, given the nexus of activities you mentioned (Church-wide Dance Festivals ended after 1971 – I was there — first performance of Saturday’s Warrior was 1973 — I was not at the first performance, but soon thereafer), I know a lot of what you’ve been through. After my mission, I spent time on a Yoga commune, but I went back to BYU after that brief stint, graduating, marrying in the temple, and doing all the things good mormons should do. In 1987 my shelf completely collapsed, and for the next 20 years, I journed through most faith traditions, while staying active in the LDS church — sort of a dual existence — I also took a position with the Interfaith Conference of DC as the artistic director of their annual concert — giving me a very broad exposure to other faiths. In 2008, I felt I no longer could continue in good conscience supporting the Church, as it’s position on Proposition 8 was heinously bigoted, in my impression. I spent the next couple years in asia and india avoiding home and church, and came back home at the end of 2011, and joined up here, and on NOM.
The fact is that I almost lost my family in that period of seriously wandering away from the Church in 2008-2011. now, after a couple of years on this site, and finding the way that my wife and i can enjoy whatever we want to enjoy of the Church, we have a MUCH better relationship than ever. It’s very real, very enjoyable, and we’ve found our Middle Way.
I wish you the very best along your journey.
thanks for being here.
Welcome hope. I feel for you. We can all empathise with the discomfort you’re going through. It’s challenging. Take your time. Make your immediate family relationships your first priority.
This from Elder Uchtdorf might be good to read:
http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2013/01/what-is-truth?lang=eng Hope, Welcome. You’ve come to the right place to voice your concerns and find support. I’m new to my faith crisis as well. My daughter is going to be baptized next month & my struggles are very much all consuming at the moment. I’ve found that as my feelings change regarding the church, my heart is being turned to God and my hope is in the basic teaching of Christ. The idea of the church not being the one and only “true” church no longer racks my soul with fear. There is truth and good there though so I try to focus on that…try…I’ve found it to be easier said than done while I’m actually sitting through a 3 hour block. But I feel one way or another, for all of us…everything will be o.k. Hello Hope. I’m pretty new here as well. I’ve found this site to be a wonderful source of support and information. My oldest son, only 9 years old, is already feeling the pressure to go on a mission from primary and from his grandparents as well. It’s been a source of anxiety and stress for him already! Reassuring him that he can still grow up to be a good man and that we will still love him if he doesn’t go on a mission has been a challenge. I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to make that decision now, but then he gets the opposite message from church and gets upset all over again. I’m glad to hear that you love and support your sons. As others have said, be sure to keep those immediate family relationships in mind as you navigate this strange new world where not everything is as we were taught. Welcome. I really appreciate the comments, insights, and suggestions I have received. So, so glad I found this site! 
“My oldest son, only 9 years old, is already feeling the pressure to go on a mission from primary and from his grandparents as well. It’s been a source of anxiety and stress for him already! Reassuring him that he can still grow up to be a good man and that we will still love him if he doesn’t go on a mission has been a challenge. I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to make that decision now, but then he gets the opposite message from church and gets upset all over again. I’m glad to hear that you love and support your sons.” May, I really feel for you. In my prior Stake, 30% of all the missionaries who leave on missions are coming back early – for a variety of reasons. Anxiety and depression top the list of why they come home…and then they get to deal with the stigma attached to them of coming home early…
With all of the research I have jam packed into the past month and a half, the thing that continues to stand out to me like a glaring neon sign are the millions of people who never have and never will hear about the LDS church while they are living on the earth. No amount of missionary work will remedy this. That being said, I do believe in miracles. I just don’t think I believe there is a one and ONLY true church anymore…
wayfarer – could be we know each other. Small world. I was too young for the all church dance festivals, but got to do a couple of the dance festivals at the Rose Bowl in the mid 70’s. hope wrote:wayfarer – could be we know each other. Small world. I was too young for the all church dance festivals, but got to do a couple of the dance festivals at the Rose Bowl in the mid 70’s.
i am east coast…was on mission mid 70s – never in california. parallel paths for sure.Sister Hope, It is so nice to hear your story. It is a story that we hear a lot here and it’s a story many of us have told. I am 55 years old so I must be fairly close to your age. It is nice that you can talk about these things as a family. I hope that as a family that you can find a way yo make the church work for you. It seen like our group is growing, I spoke in a ward today and I had a number come up and talk to me about my talk. One older couple who has been assigned the to reach out to the less actives asked me for my copy. I could identify several people like myself. We need some type of identifying sticker or something so we can id each other. Welcome and post often, it sounds like you will fit right nicely hope wrote:1)However, at this point, I feel it is all crumbling down around me…
2)In fact, I have begun questioning EVERYTHING. I am praying for guidance and discernment.
3)Why, oh why, is it so wrong to question and search freely in the Church? I feel like this site is a glorified Gospel Doctrine class where thinking and questioning are welcomed. It is so refreshing!
4)The things I once revered and had great respect for, I now look at with different eyes. Never in a million years did I ever expect to find myself where I am at this moment…
I would like to address four of your statements:
#1 – This is becoming a more common occurrence in the church. So many of us have had this happen to us as well. Having the cards all fall is an extremely difficult and painful experience
#2 – See #1
#3 – Questioning and freedom of thought in the church is such a complex issue that it is impossible to talk about it in a short online statement. Part of what helped my inital shock and pain was to find help and consolation in places like staylds. I realized I wasn’t the only one going through this. That has helped immensely.
#4 – See #2
You will make it through this tough time. Don’t do anything hasty. It gets easier with time as you work through this. You will need to re-evaluate your ideas about what the church is and come to grips with this. Once you have done that it isn’t so damaging. I wish you the best.
Y
My eldest sister married a non-member. My mother was pretty torn up about it. I asked my mother if there was anything besides the non-member thing that would be a black mark against him and she said no – he was a great guy in every other way. 20 years later they seem to be pretty happy together. I wonder if part of the reason girls are told to only marry RM’s is to encourage guys to become RM’s. Guys will certainly do much to become eligible suitors. I remember that Elder Oaks served principally because his intended wife wouldn’t marry him otherwise.
Hope, you are not alone. In a way, a faith crisis is about growing up and dealing with hard questions, contradictory evidence, and ambiguous conclusions. Not everyone goes through a FC but many do. The process is perfectly normal. It is really scary and disorienting at first but it does get better.
Quote:“I find it so freeing to have conversations with my family about everything, whereas I dare not have any of these conversations outside the walls of our home. And that’s another thing. Why, oh why, is it so wrong to question and search freely in the Church? I feel like this site is a glorified Gospel Doctrine class where thinking and questioning are welcomed. It is so refreshing! “
I love that you are teaching your children so much love and acceptance!! I can just feel it as I read your post. It is amazing! I hope to do the same with my children! Thanks for your example!
I feel the exact same way.. that this is a glorified GD class..haha I loved that description. I hate going to GD at church. WHY do I want to hear the same thing over and over and I know I don’t have the courage to rock the boat..YET..
Regarding my question in GD.. I have sense decided that I believe God doesn’t answer our prayers the way I am asking because I am the one who set up the curriculum before I came and I really wanted to learn ___, ___ or ___ and for Him to not intervene with my learning. Just the way I tell my husband to GET the *&#^#^& out the way when I told him to not let me have a brownie b/c I need to lose weight. He caves every time b/c he thinks I really want the brownie (and he is scared of where he will sleep if he doesn’t give me the brownie)… but what I really wanted was to lose weight or not have sugar, I just had a moment of weakness. God on the other hand knows what I really want. I am still trying to work out the rest of my new beliefs.. but for now that has helped me find more peace with things that have happened.
Can I ask you a question? Are you children still active in the church? If so, How do you teach your children to be in the Church but not buy into everything that is being taught without confusing the heck out of them?
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