- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Hi. I’ve been “lurking” for about six months or so. I figure it’s probably about time that I introduced myself and became more actively involved in this community. I am a single, never-married man in my late thirties trying to stick with the church. I grew up in the church, although inactive until my late teens. I went on a mission, and have been attending church and serving in callings pretty consistently until the past year or so. I moved away from Utah to get my PhD and had some difficult times with the church. I had a great bishop and institute director, as well as good friends to help me through some of my struggles. Two years ago, I took my first college teaching job far away from friends and family—and I have been through serious hell socially, emotionally, and spiritually.
I should probably state that I am gay, or SSA, or whatever you want to call it. I was in serious denial about it until the last month of my mission, knowing that I would soon be going home and had to face it. I started therapy, and after fifteen years of it (!) I have finally given up on my orientation changing. I live alone, have little or no support at church, and I am finally realizing the enormity of the consequences of remaining celibate and single in the church.
A few months ago, I went through a number of stages with the church: disappointment. betrayal, anger, and forgiveness. I felt betrayed by the church for two reasons: 1) it seemed to leave me high and dry over the past year in terms of providing me with any kind of social support; and 2) in spite of a lot of fast offering money and several therapists (many with LDS Family Services) my orientation is that same as it was fifteen years ago. I felt angry. And I stayed home on Sundays, for several months (going to church maybe once every three or four weeks or so). I have been lead by the Spirit to forgive the people involved and the institutional church, and now I am trying to figure out how to move forward. I’ve decided to stick with the church, because I am highly impressed by the doctrine and the sheer potential for good, as well as the many “salt of the earth” people I have encountered in the church.
My current struggles have to do with being an intellectual in an anti-intellectual country/organization. And I have no choice in my work but to become more of an intellectual! I had a really hard time in Sunday school last week, and had to bite my tongue all hour in EQ because my thinking is “disturbing” for others. It’s tough.
I guess I could drone on forever. I have a number of questions/issues for all y’all, but I figure we have time for that in subsequent threads.
TT
:wave: welcome, and thank you for that wonderful introduction. i just helped my daughter move out from her apartment after a breakup with her girlfriend/partner of six years. i wish they would have had the support of the church and gospel to help edify their relationship, but that wasn’t to be of course. eventually their relationship degraded, because the partner wasn’t ‘out’, and was living a lie, so the end was inevitable. initially, they were good for each other in many ways. Before my daughter came out and started having committed relationships, she was completely suicidal. she is also in her thirties.
i hope you find a partner with whom you can share lasting love. it’s important–much more important than the arbitrary rules that the church currently imposes on you. you will never find such love by the cloistered SSA lifestyle required of you by the church, nor will you find it in the partying segment of the gay community. i would suspect that between those two extremes, there are many like you. perhaps by becoming involved and open, and truly authentic to your whole self, you will find others who share your values and your unique journey.
i look forward to your stories.
I hear you! I sometimes struggle with the rather suspicious attitudes my fellow ward members have toward intellectualism. I mentioned Dante in a lesson I gave once…you should have seen looks! Welcome!
TT, thank you for the Introduction & welcome to our group. You said:
Quote:I had a really hard time in Sunday school last week, and had to bite my tongue all hour in EQ because my thinking is “disturbing” for others. It’s tough.
Sometimes we cry & sometime we laugh. I’m sure you’re going to find a number of use that will be sypathetic & understanding.
This forum has helped me alot in the short time I’ve been here.
Keep posting!
Mike from Milton.
Welcome to the forum, TT. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much for so long, but I like your tone and your efforts on forgiving while working through things. I look forward to learning from your posts.
Welcome TT, We’re glad to have you here with us, just as you are. I think your particular situation is the toughest one to hold in the church today, but I hold out hope that over time that will change. There HAS to be a way to make that work, and I think our expansive religion has the tools built in to facilitate change and adaptation.
Thanks for your story. My issues are a bit different, but like you I feel somewhat disenfranchised with the church, am also somewhat of an intellectual (a college teacher of 20 years, and PhD candidate), and have been making some decent strides toward forgiveness for what I feel are Church offenses. And if you ever learn about my story, you’ll find I too have had periods where I have had to be celibate in the Church, but while married — a strange situation. But each person has their own unique challenges; perhaps with some overlapping issues, I’ll be able to share what I know about staying active in spite of it all.
Welcome. I admire anyone who feels homosexual attraction, especially exclusively, and is willing to try to make church activity work. I believe there is a HUGE difference between imtimacy and sexual activity, so I hope, at the very least, you are able to find intimacy that is real and powerful for you even as you abstain from sexual activity. It’s a difficult life, but I pray you can live it (or any other life you choose) in a way that will have deep meaning for you.
Old-Timer wrote:Welcome.
I admire anyone who feels homosexual attraction, especially exclusively, and is willing to try to make church activity work. I believe there is a HUGE difference between imtimacy and sexual activity, so I hope, at the very least, you are able to find intimacy that is real and powerful for you even as you abstain from sexual activity. It’s a difficult life, but I pray you can live it (or any other life you choose) in a way that will have deep meaning for you.
A friend of mine in our ward tells me of a gay member of a bishopric who lived with and cared for his dying gay partner whilst remaining active and worthy. They kept their affections and intimacy “within the bounds the Lord has set”, whatever that meant, and thus at least in their stake, remained open and worthy. I don’t know more details than this, and while I find it hard to believe that such a middle-ground was acceptable to the majority of the leadership today, I trust the source, and it gives me hope that there can be a middle ground.There is a world of difference between a committed, caring relationship, and the reckless pursuit of sexuality. promiscuity in both hetero- and homosexual senses should be condemned practice. but a committed relationship? very different matter. the irony is that committed relationships are a good thing regardless of sexual orientation, but for the church to condemn homosexual marriage is to essentially drive homosexual couples away from that which might assist their commitment to each other. It’s wrong to do so.
Hi New Guy, I want to heartily welcome you as well.. I have a gay son who will turn 30 in July that has left the church over this. I have many lds gay friends and it is very difficult. I will be praying for you as you travel your journey with getting good friends who will support you. I also pray for changes in the church on this issue so gays do not feel they have to leave.
God bless your precious heart.
Bridget
turinturambar wrote:My current struggles have to do with being an intellectual in an anti-intellectual country/organization.
:wave:
I can relate.Welcome, Turinturambar!
:wave: Hey, and welcome, TT. I’m glad you found your way here … a great place to vent and get some support on questions you can’t really discuss any other place. I confess I am somewhat fascinated by gay members who choose to stay active, but I really hope you can make that work for you. If I am any indication, then I think things are improving, but the church certainly has a long way to go, IMO. My best friend from high school came out to me around the time we were graduating from college, and I am ashamed to say that I simply was not there for him when he needed me the most, primarily because my then-outdated and hateful notions about homosexuality made me unable to relate, or to react with compassion. I have since seen the error of my ways and tried to make amends, and I think the winds of change can be detected in church rhetoric as well.
Quote:My current struggles have to do with being an intellectual in an anti-intellectual country/organization
I’m not sure what country you live in, but I can certainly relate to the comment about anti-intellectualism in the church organization. The snickering accompanying Elder Christofferson’s mention in GC of “hermeneutics and exegesis” is my latest evidence of that (although without the audio, I found a later reading of his words totally reasonable and acceptable). My SP’s advice to me once was to recognize that “the church isn’t kind to intellectuals”. He may have meant any of a number of things by that, but I take what he said at face value. A corollary, though, is that I think we need to remember that the best we can do, sometimes, is to “know that we know nothing”.
Hi New Guy! How I would love to have you in my SS class quoting Dante! We need members like you and I am so glad you’re here. I fervently hope and pray that the church’s evolving stance on SSA will eventually come to full acceptance of gay marriage, but I fear it will take time. (Okay, I know that’s a bit dreamy of me but I am determined to ride the tide of hope.) Still, I am hopeful and send my love and acceptance out to you. My DH and kids and I will be marching the the Salt Lake Pride Parade Sunday and I hope the gay community is getting the message that not all LDS people are behind things like Prop 8, that hearts and minds are changing, and that homosexuals are welcome in our communities.
I’m new here too and thankful for a place to interact with like-minded friends.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.