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I’ve been reading this board for a few months and really like it. Today I decided to join…lately there have been a number of topics I’ve wanted to be part of the discussion, so only one way to do that (become a member.) I’ve avoided joining because I just didn’t know how to introduce myself and my crisis. I think I’m ready now, but I’m going to give the abbreviated version.
I was born in the covenant and always had a good testimony: not overboard, but not weak. I just accepted the gospel because I believed it to be true. I was always a little rebellious but never stepped over big bounds/sins. I served a mission and enjoyed it, but didn’t come back uberspiritual–just kept that good, decent testimony.
Married in the temple, have a family, and a good professional job. Had some doubts over the years but nothing serious. Polygamy? There must have been a reason that I just don’t understand. Black and the priesthood? Something else we just can’t understand in this life–and probably not important to, anyway.
I was recently released from serving in the bishopric. This actually is when I began to have serious doubts. Yes, I hated a lot about the hours of meetings, but I was generally cheerful and went above and beyond to do what was part of the calling. But I got burned out after almost four years. A couple disciplinary councils (why do I need to hear the details being shared?!?) and most every calling we prayed about I felt no discernible spirit of inspiration.
I’ve been extended a couple callings recently. All included Sunday meetings and I just can’t do that–I’m burned out–so I said “no.” I feel similar to a lot of others on this board about things (such as HT being “assigned friends”) so I’m struggling with what is my own lack of faith and what is reasonable, personal interests and needs.
I simply feel a stronger connection now, at this point in my life, with the love of God and the power of the atonement for us…versus the power of leadership to forgive and inspire us. I have no desire to affect anyone else’s testimony, I’m just trying to figure things out.
Oh, I also had a version of “the talk” with my wife recently. The one where I share that I’m doubting and even angry about some things. In the past I would have been concerned that it would disturb her or create too much of a rift between us…and it would have. But I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t care–and she could sense that–so she ultimately told me she loves me no matter what. She appreciated me being honest with her.
I’m going to try to find my own “middle” way for now, which will consist of saying “no” without explanation (I can do that, easily enough) and continuing to attend church.
Whew, I do feel better (and ready to share all this!) Thanks. Alex
Good luck. Welcome. Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
Welcome…you have stepped into my comfort zone…I have a similar background — former Bishopric, served a mission, temple marriage, had a solid testimony, burnt out — came here. Wife still loves me, so far — although I have to be careful how much I say or I upset her. Looking forward to hearing your queries and questions and thoughts…. you sound very balanced which is good.
Welcome. I hope we can help each other in this journey through life. welcome…you’re safe, at home here Welcome Alex. I hope you find support here. I’ve been on here only a short time, but it has been helpful to me. 🙂 I feel like I’m always saying this to new members, but I have lots in common with you yet my experiences are also different. That, in my opinion, is the beauty of this site – we are diverse yet share commonalities. I have found peace and support here and I hope you do as well. Welcome to the site. Quote:“she ultimately told me she loves me no matter what”
That’s the best possible thing to hear from your spouse!
Alex wrote:I simply feel a stronger connection now, at this point in my life, with the love of God and the power of the atonement for us…versus the power of leadership to forgive and inspire us.
Welcome Alex,
These words are meaningful to me. It is hard to say in a way that doesn’r imply value judgments but it is almost as though you have grown beyond your previous framework.
This is a great place to build a new framework with bridges and interfaces to the old one (so that you can communicate with loved ones in thier language).
:thumbup: Welcome. I have been here a little over a year. We have similar back grounds but it sounds like you have figured out what works for you faster than many. I have a hard time saying no but I am getting more comfortable with the idea. I just turned down a calling for the first time ever. It is great that your wife isn’t hostel but I can really understand about not caring too much any more about some things. It happens but it doesn’t feel like the old me. I look forward to hear more from you. Thanks to all who have greeted me–it’s appreciated! At some point, on this forum or another, a book titled, “Believing Christ” by Robinson was recommended. It’s written by a member, but not an official LDS publication…the basic message is that God loves us and we simply can’t be perfect–we should try, but in the end, it will be His mercy and the atonement of Christ that saves us. It was was what I needed to hear and reflect on. Part of my issue is that even though I can say “no” and not blink, I’m not immune to the feelings of guilt for not doing more…but also don’t like how we sometimes make others feel guilt for not doing more. The focus needs to come back to Christ and the atonement.
I have a couple brothers that are no longer active. I always wondered how that was possible–well, now I think I see. I haven’t become inactive and don’t plan to, but it is a possibility. I left church after sacrament–I don’t have a calling right now and why can’t I make the choice? Besides, the sacrament talks were all given by the most, ahem, “interesting” (read: strange) members of our ward so I felt like I had sufficient Sunday services for one week
[Disclosure: She and I have had several talks this week about different things, including my testimony, and some of them were very tearful. She experienced major anxiety a few times this week because she felt I was also unhappy with our marriage, so it wasn’t all easy discussions with her. She is OK with my issues with Church and my feelings about the WoW, something that would never have–
and hasn’t--gone down well before, because it’s minor compared with the possibility of me leaving her. I have assured her that I love her, which I do, but I am questioning everything. Unfortunately that has made her more open to my crisis of faith.] There’s a lot about me and my experience, but I’ll save it for contributions of my perspectives in the forum threads. Plus I don’t know how I could write everything here in the Introductions….none of us could. I think my introduction gave a sense of where I’ve been and where I’m at now. So, again, thanks to everyone and I wish you find the answers you are seeking. Or at least the comfort you need to get along in this life.
We own Believing Christ, and you are right it is a good book. I think I may read it again. One of my issues with the church is that I think people (members) tend to stray from the central message of Jesus Christ and get caught up in other trivia. Alex wrote:I’m going to try to find my own “middle” way for now, which will consist of saying “no” without explanation (I can do that, easily enough) and continuing to attend church.
Glad you’re here. It’s always interesting to read introductions. I wonder if callings really do need to be as time-consuming as they are.
Welcome to the group Alex. I’m really glad you can still feel the love of god. That’s really important. I look forward to your contribution. Several of you have been supportive and, in another thread, expressed condolences regarding my marital situation. I’d like to share a quick update. I know this is not a marriage forum, but it’s still part of my crisis and something I’m dealing with. On Saturday I had another talk with my wife. Most of the same things she has been saying to me for weeks, as well as her visible anger and contempt for me: she repeated that she wanted a divorce, that it’s too late to try to save the marriage, that I’ve been stupid/blind about how much I’ve hurt her.
But she added that she does not love me anymore.Throughout the last couple months I’ve been understanding, kind, and didn’t respond in anyway other than to tell her I love her and I wanted us to stay married. I have told her that she means more to me than anything…and I’d do everything I could to never hurt her again.
On Sunday she visits with the Bishop. She comes home and wants to talk to me…. she holds my hand, is a completely different person–more like she has been our whole marriage–and begins to apologize. I tell her I’m not sure I want to hear what’s coming, if it means she is just going to get my spirits up and then dump me again. She gives me a kiss and tells me that she was probably just trying to get back at me, that she does love me and doesn’t want to think of the prospect of living without me. She wants to try to save the marriage and doesn’t believe it’s too late.
Suddenly, when I was resigned to everything being lost—everything that’s important to me—she tells me that we don’t have to give up. It’s like we are in love all over again. She asks me to stay home with her on Monday, which I do.
And then in the afternoon on Monday she is feeling sick, like she has the stomach flu….then nearly incapacitated. Probably because she has dropped about 30 pounds from not eating, is dehydrated, etc. But it’s more than that. The next morning she tells me she just doesn’t know if she can trust me and is fearful of the future. She sees a doctor that day and gets depression medication (on top of her anxiety medication) and is withdrawn from me.
After a couple days she is more active and we talk. She doesn’t think she can trust me again….she’s worried I’m going to hurt her again by breaking the Word of Wisdom. And she isn’t sure that she loves me. But all those beautiful things she said to me on Sunday….she reasons that she probably just felt guilty after talking to you and needed to try to make it work.
(Why is “guilt” such a prevalent element in our church? It’s what I dislike the most. Forgiveness and the Atonement are what I like best and wish we heard more of.)Over the past couple months I have apologized and begged her to try to save the marriage; I have promised to put her first in all things; I have told her that doubts about the gospel are meaningless compared to losing her and my family; I have reminded her of the kind of father and husband I’ve been; I’ve told her that I could excuse anything she’s said to me up to this point. And I’ve only asked in return that she love me and forgive my mistakes.
But clearly she can’t. She hasn’t been wearing her wedding ring for a couple weeks; she doesn’t sleep in our bed anymore; she can’t forgive me and says she doubts that she loves me. She has been terribly mean to me for weeks—I’ve endured being called names, accused of all manner of things, and told repeatedly that she wanted a divorce and she would never change her mind.
I have finally told her yesterday that she has hurt me, completely. She has been dishonest emotionally with me, she has separated herself from our marriage by repeatedly asking for a divorce, not wearing her wedding ring, and telling me she doesn’t love me. I don’t deserve those things, but I really didn’t deserve what she did to me on Sunday.
For the hurt she says I’ve caused her, it never involved explicitly hurtful words and anger like she’s shown toward me.I don’t want her staying in this marriage out of guilt, nor do I deserve to be given hope one minute and then the next moment be treated like I’m not worth forgiving or trusting again. Yesterday I filed a petition for divorce. Until now I didn’t want a divorce, but it’s clear there’s nothing left for her in the marriage. Now I don’t feel like there’s anything left in it for me. Over the last month she took what looked like a sense of glee or self-righteousness in saying, “You can make choices, but you can’t choose the consequences” with regard to divorce. I don’t think she expected I would file for divorce, but I also take no happiness in it. I’m simply sad.
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