New Here (Alex)

[Anonymous]

I’m sad for you Alex. I can’t really imagine the pain either of you must be enduring. Sometimes, however, divorce is the best course of action and it appears you are doing what you need to do for you.

[Anonymous]

Some marriages can work; others can’t. I really believe that. I wish you the best as you move forward and hope you can learn from this experience, as painful as it’s been.

It sounds like your wife has some serious emotional issues she needs to work on learning to handle. Anxiety and clinical depression can be devastating, and it sounds like she might be bi-polar – but I can’t know that for sure. I hope she is able to get a handle on whatever it is that is tormenting her, and I hope both of you can find happier lives in the future.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t pipe up in the other thread because I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t, other than to say I’m sorry you are having to go through all this. From the sounds of if you have done everything you could and admirably at that. So far you’ve maintained a very healthy attitude in working through this.

Alex wrote:

(Why is “guilt” such a prevalent element in our church? It’s what I dislike the most. Forgiveness and the Atonement are what I like best and wish we heard more of.)

I agree. It got to the point where I decided I would no longer allow guilt to be a motivating force in my life. I had given guilt too much power over my life and it was suffocating my happiness. I worry whether moving past guilt would put me down the road to psychopathy or something but I did need to strike a better balance.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Alex. :wave:

I can definitely empathize with what you’ve posted. You’re going to find a lot of support here.

Quote:

Alex wrote:

I simply feel a stronger connection now, at this point in my life, with the love of God and the power of the atonement for us…versus the power of leadership to forgive and inspire us.

True story. The closer I draw to my Savior, the more I see those areas of apostasy in both my own life and in the way we administer the gospel in the church. By apostasy, I simply mean a less than Celestial path. Recognizing that the organization of the church is merely scaffolding (Lee) has done at least three things for me:

(1) Allowed me to distinguish between the Lord’s will and institutional expediency.

(2) Allowed me to recognize truth from culture, policy, or practice.

(3) Freed me to bask in the love of God, who, as it turns out, is much more awesome than I ever learned in church classes or General Conference.

Th ironic thing is that the closer I’ve drawn to the Lord and the happier I am, the more my leaders seem to worry about me. LOL. My outward practices haven’t changed (in terms of religious observance). I’m more peaceful, joyful, charitable, patient… all markers that I am becoming more like Christlike… and some of my church leaders seem nervous because I am approaching my faith and my religious with my eyes wide open. You’d think the fact that I can acknowledge all the imperfections and still find beauty and faith in my religion would be affirming rather than disconcerting.

After one bishopric member expressed some concern, I called my brother (who’s in a bishopric in Utah) and said “You won’t believe this but my leaders are worried because I’ve found joy in Mormonism. They’ve never seen this before. They think I must be apostatizing!” We laughed and laughed! Both of us recognizing the sad truth that many people live their religion out of fear of consequences rather than love of God. All duty. No beauty.

Anyway, I just thought that was a funny experience and based on your comment, you might could relate.

Cate

[Anonymous]

Cate: I really like your story, it cheered me up!

Nibbler: I agree, getting beyond the “guilt” has helped me…but apparently it hit my wife and didn’t help our marriage.

Others, thanks for your words of encouragement and love.

I’ll admit, within 24 hours I regretted filing the petition. I walked across the street to the courthouse, no lines no waiting, and was done in about 10 minutes. I told my wife I regretted it….but after being so patient and understanding, it hit me that she’s done with the marriage and I was just angry. My fault. I have a dominant personality, but because I supervise lots of people and deal with college student complaints regularly, I’ve developed a patience with people and things (and actually it’s not an act–I can really be patient.) I just figured, “enough.”

It’s easy enough to file a motion to withdraw the petition. But my wife said, “Well, you’ve sealed our divorce by doing this.” Not really, it’s just notice to the court of intent to divorce…..and so what does saying a dozen times angrily to my face “I want a divorce” mean? :wtf: Yes, I told her that, as nicely as I could.

I told her yesterday about a drug I could get prescribed…it’s a pill you take once a day and if you drink any alcohol, you get violently ill. That might give her peace of mind when I travel that I’m not drinking. The truth is that it’s just not that important to me if it means I’ll lose my wife…I’m not addicted to alcohol–a month ago I stopped any occasional drinking and had no withdrawals, no cravings, nothing. Right now I have no desire to drink. So I could give it up if bothers her that much, plus added insurance that I’d projectile vomit if I drank a beer

I shared information with her last night…then this morning asked her if this was a solution to her fears and concerns. She said it didn’t sound like a solution. I’m at a loss.

I’ve been reading a lot of things by Paulo Coelho…interesting perspectives about how change is good for us and even the most challenging periods we endure end up being for our good, the things we look back on and are grateful for. Kind of like the scripture in D&C 122 about “all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” And I remember reading a section of “Stumbling on Happiness” (by Daniel Gilbert) that said,

“Find a large number of people who’ve been left standing at the altar and ask them if that was the worst day, or the best day, of their lives. On the day it happens, almost without exception, they will say it is the worst day. But ask these same people the same question a year later and most will say it was the best day of their lives.”

That stuck with me and maybe I’ll look back and see that this was a good thing. Time will tell.

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