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Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I haven’t been on in a while, since I had family fly in for a week, but I’m here now. I appreciate all the suggestions, and I’m still trying to figure out a way that I can talk to my husband about how I am feeling about the church. I guess I just need to give him a chance and see how it goes from there. As far as our daughter being baptized, right now we live pretty far away from all family (out of the U.S. for a while), so, while we have told people that he doesn’t want her to be baptized, I haven’t really felt any pressure from family to do anything. My daughter wants to be baptized, but not until we are back by family, and I don’t think it has really hit home to her that her dad won’t let her. I’ve told her that she will probably have to wait until she is older, but, it hasn’t sunk in yet I think, with all her older cousins getting baptized back home. At this point, I feel like I want to throw out all the doctrine I was ever taught that is exclusive to the church, and only focus on the teachings of Jesus Christ. However, then I start questioning what those teachings even are, since I have read some on the history of the Bible, trying to find out why we use the KJV, and that didn’t help me at all in feeling like the information in it is accurate. Throw in there that my DH wants us to be an Atheist family anyway, and I just end up feeling mentally overwhelmed and exhausted whenever I try to make sense of anything religious.
These are the two things that I feel I believe at this point:
I do believe that God answers my prayers, even the small ones, but, I’m not sure how that fits into my belief that I don’t believe that he wants to micromanage us. It doesn’t seem like he can do both. If he is involved on that intimate of a level to answer my detailed requests, then I would think he would also be very specific about what he expects from me as well.
I also believe that Jesus Christ was a divine person on the earth, here to set an example for us, but, I’m not sure that the Atonement is what I thought it was.
Anyway, sorry if this is a lot of rambling. I guess this is just a hundredth part of the continual conversations going on in my head right now.
I hear ya Road. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I don’t KNOW anything. I don’t. I don’t KNOW what is true, and I’m not sure that anyone else does either. I’m not sure that “truth” is what we think it is. Perhaps truth is only relevant on a individual personal basis. that is my belief — I have finally admitted to myself that yes, I am an agnostic existentialist. 👿 Both dirty words in Mormondom — not so much here.
Lost Soul said, “I guess this is just a hundredth part of the continual conversations going on in my head right now.” Wow, can I relate. I’m feeling the same way about the gospel at this point. In the last 9 months I’ve gone from only wanting to focus on Christ and his atonement to doubting the literalness of the record of the gospel. How do we trust the men who wrote the record? I have felt divine love in my life but at this point I’m not sure where or who it came from and that is really rocking my world. We are told not to trust in the arm of flesh so we really can’t trust the scriptures because they were all written down by men, and yet it is a scripture that advises me to NOT trust in the arm of flesh. So much paradox. So, yes, I get what you are saying about the “continual conversations” in your mind. I sometimes feel a little insanity coming on because of them. This is a tough stage to be in.
Peace to you!!!
Roadlesstravelled: Thanks for that post! You had me not knowing what to expect and then, shared the interesting conclusion about your own trial of faith.
You’ve benefited me greatly — first by showing me I shouldn’t share my doubts with my wife lest I hurt her own faith. It upsets her to hear me comment about my misgivings about the Church.
Also, shame on the Bishop that told your husband he had a devil in him. And kudos on staying with your husband in spite of his misgivings!!! Years ago I went less active over the decision of a Church agency on our behalf — really bad treatment to both myself and my wife, testimony-shaking, and traumatic. My wife was about to leave me because I wasn’t big on the Church anymore, and an active woman with a n/m husband talked sense to her, telling her that her love for me should transcend the Church. My wife and I are still together today, and our family is still active and getting the benefits of the Church in terms of kids with conscience, friends with clean values, opportunities to serve and feel the Spirit. All while surrounded by misgivings on my part. An uneasy peace really, but an intellectually interesting one a that!
Welcome, looking forward to hearing more from you!!!
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