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Hi everyone! I heard about this forum and recently decided to join it.
I know I’m not the only person here going through a rough time involving the church, so I thought it might be nice to be able to relate to people who have the same feelings as me.
It’s been a long time that I’ve been feeling this way. A few years, now. I think I’ve kept it really well-hidden from everyone, though. But I have several things that have bothered me for quite some time.
First of all, church is just so boring! I don’t have my parents there anymore to make me go, and the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I have a calling, and that my roommate will get mad at me if I don’t go.
I also hate some of the comments that are made in Sunday School. It’s hard when someone decides to make a comment that you find rude or close-minded. Honestly, I don’t want to be associated with people like that. I know they’re not trying to be rude, and I don’t want to judge. But I also don’t want to be looked at as someone who cares more about the church’s rules than being a good person. I can’t stand people who care more about the rules than just being nice and accepting of others, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.
I seem to attract these people as friends all the time, as well. They’re great people, and I’m not saying I hate them at all. They’re my friends, but they’re very, very conservative. I hate it when they diss on things that I believe in, or when I’m scolded for thinking differently than them. It’s always been this way, but all I want are friends who can think like me and agree with me. And I really hate to say it, but sometimes I’m ashamed of being LDS because of how we’re seen by people who don’t know much about us.
I don’t think I’ll ever leave the church, but I can see myself going very inactive. My parents would be so heartbroken if that were the case, and I think they’re also what have kept me going. But as much as I love them, I’d rather go to church for myself than for anyone. And right now, I feel like I’ve just been going to please the people around me. Obviously, I’ve got LOTS of problems…
Reading through some forums, I’ve seen how kind-hearted and understanding you all are. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I’m looking forward to being here and getting to know you all.
Welcome! Glad you found us.
Hello, Just A Girl. Welcome to the forum. Quote:I seem to attract these people as friends all the time, as well. They’re great people, and I’m not saying I hate them at all. They’re my friends, but they’re very, very conservative. I hate it when they diss on things that I believe in, or when I’m scolded for thinking differently than them. It’s always been this way, but all I want are friends who can think like me and agree with me.
I feel the same way at times. Many people in my family, such as my parents, and many of the people I grew up with and consider lifelong friends are super conservative. Sometimes they say just the meanest things about opposing political viewpoints, and it really hurts, because I became fairly opposite of them in college. Nowadays, I’ve been able to find a more “liberal” group of friends, many former or inactive members, who are still accepting of the Church standards I choose to live by, and it’s made my social life so much easier, but it took me until college and after college to find them. I don’t know where you are in your life, but rest assured that those friends are out there for you. And at the very least, there’s this forum.Quote:And I really hate to say it, but sometimes I’m ashamed of being LDS because of how we’re seen by people who don’t know much about us.
I usually don’t care about how other people view me, but I have had instances where people seem to feel sorry for me or wary of me (or even surprised) when they find out I identify as LDS. It’s been interesting.Quote:I don’t think I’ll ever leave the church, but I can see myself going very inactive. My parents would be so heartbroken if that were the case, and I think they’re also what have kept me going. But as much as I love them, I’d rather go to church for myself than for anyone. And right now, I feel like I’ve just been going to please the people around me. Obviously, I’ve got LOTS of problems…
I do encourage you to find a way to stay in the church for yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ll also never leave the Church completely, because there are things within it that I find value in, and I have come to peace with some (not all) of the parts of the Church that I struggle with. The reasons that keeps those of us here going (if we do go) are widely varied and personal, so while we can offer advice, you’re going to have to find the answer on your own, eventually.I myself am still struggling with the whole parental thing, too. I’ve started making some choices that I know my parents wouldn’t approve of — such as who I choose to hang out with and date (i.e. non-Mormons) and how much of Church I choose to attend (usually just sacrament meeting and maybe SS). It can be a frustrating and lonely road trying to please the people you care deeply about, because you don’t want to hurt them. But eventually, it comes down to finding a balance between what pleases them and what’s best for you.
So as you can see, we’ve all got problems here, and you are very welcome to come and share yours to find experience and advice from the rest of us.
Just a girl, welcome to the forum. You said: Quote:I also hate some of the comments that are made in Sunday School. It’s hard when someone decides to make a comment that you find rude or close-minded. Honestly, I don’t want to be associated with people like that. I know they’re not trying to be rude, and I don’t want to judge. But I also don’t want to be looked at as someone who cares more about the church’s rules than being a good person. I can’t stand people who care more about the rules than just being nice and accepting of others, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.
Can you give us some examples of what they say? I can guess but, that wouldn’t be fair or accurate, I’m sure.
Maybe there are ways we can help you address these issues diplomatically.
You can be blunt or to the point without offending sometimes. Other times, we remain silent. For me, the silent option can be
boring & frustrating. It sounds like it is for you too.
Welcome to the forum! When we moved back to the US last year, I was put off by some of the ignorant and staunchly conservative viewpoints in church, too. I still just said what I thought, without being attacking, and got to know people a little better, and I have found on the whole that there is more to them than just their conservative opinions. I’ve become friends with a few whose views differ from mine. We’ve found some common ground, and sometimes people are just speaking more forcefully than they intend or just trying out an opinion. When you talk to them one on one, it’s different. Welcome. Many of us can relate to your feelings about comments in church – it’s why I don’t go to Sunday School (sometimes I go to the investigator class – believe it or not, sometimes the comments are more muted there). Sometimes I am able to make a funny comment that diffuses some of the tension, but I’m not very quick on my feet. A few weeks ago I made a comment like”How many chosen generations can there be?” and got a good laugh and in the process the subject shifted to a gentler tone. I’m glad you found us and said hello. Don’t be a stranger! Just A Girl wrote:
First of all, church is just so boring! I don’t have my parents there anymore to make me go, and the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I have a calling, and that my roommate will get mad at me if I don’t go.Amen!!!! Boredom is a huge concern for me. I read eBooks on my phone during those meetings. I use the time to generate lists of ideas to solve problems, to think. Essentially, it’s so boring one can feed their need for solitude by shutting out the meeting. However, do you ever notice how you perk up when you have a really good teacher or speaker? At least I do.
Lots of room for improvement in the church to make our meetings less of an exercise in self-discipline.
Quote:
I also hate some of the comments that are made in Sunday School. It’s hard when someone decides to make a comment that you find rude or close-minded. Honestly, I don’t want to be associated with people like that.Consider posting a thread here where you pose the kinds of judgmental comments these people make, and how a sensitive person like yourself, but who disagrees, could gently jar the person into self-knowledge about their judgmentalism. For example, someone once made a negative comment about gays in a meeting.
I privately commented that it often seems like there are not gay people in the room, but actually, there are likely people with gay family members, or closet gay people in that very room. Could also comment on how the church is implementing policies that are more supportive of people with same sex attraction.
Quote:I seem to attract these people as friends all the time, as well. They’re great people, and I’m not saying I hate them at all. They’re my friends, but they’re very, very conservative. I hate it when they diss on things that I believe in, or when I’m scolded for thinking differently than them.
I have a TBM friend, a former Bishop, who made a lot of judgmental comments just like that. I mentioned that a huge credit to the church is how it seems to attract good people in droves. I think that is why I was attracted to the church, I said — I wanted to be good. You’ll rub shoulders with some of the best-hearted people you’ll ever meet. But a downside is that with a strong set of community values, you get harsh judgmentalism. Everyone knows what everyone else is supposed to believe, so they tend to make very harsh judgments, often not based on all the facts. Then, I commented that I felt my ex Bishop friend could be highly judgmental. I quoted specific comments he made, and then provided reasons why he should avoid such judgmentalism.
Two weeks later, he brought it up with me. It had bothered him that I had labelled him that. In my view, he deserved it, and we continued the conversation about judgmentalism, about how people will be judged according to their knowledge (BoM), that only Bishops are judges in Israel, etcerera.
It made a difference.
Quote:And I really hate to say it, but sometimes I’m ashamed of being LDS because of how we’re seen by people who don’t know much about us.
I know. And then people quote the story of Peter and how he denied the Christ 3 times — and that we are doing the same thing if we don’t stand up for, or broadcast the church role we have. I don’t agree anymore. I keep it to myself unless it has to come up in conversation, in which case I label myself as “unorthodoxox”. I say, “I’m a baptized Mormon, but you have to throw out everything you think you know about Mormonism to understand my own belief system”.
Quote:I don’t think I’ll ever leave the church, but I can see myself going very inactive. My parents would be so heartbroken if that were the case, and I think they’re also what have kept me going. But as much as I love them, I’d rather go to church for myself than for anyone. And right now, I feel like I’ve just been going to please the people around me. Obviously, I’ve got LOTS of problems…
We all do, in various forms. Discuss them one at a time until you come up with your own philosophy of what you think, and how to stay in the church, and be happy.
Welcome Just A Girl — It’s good to have you here and I think you will find support for your concerns. Just A Girl wrote:And I really hate to say it, but sometimes I’m ashamed of being LDS because of how we’re seen by people who don’t know much about us.
I hate to say it but sometimes I’m ashamed of being LDS because of how we’re seen by people who
doknow about us. 
Welcome to StayLDS.
Welcome! I’m glad you decided to join in on the conversations. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Thank you everyone, for your kindness and acceptance Mike, I was kind of talking about what SilentDawning said; sometimes there are things that are said about gay people, for instance, or someone makes a comment about an individual without knowing any of the facts (that happened in my singles ward, but it wasn’t about anyone in the ward. But it wasn’t the person’s friend, and from the comment, it sounded like she was just looking from the outside and judging). I don’t know, it just bothers me.
I completely believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I’ll respect theirs if they’ll respect mine. However, I don’t see a whole lot of respect when these comments are made. Yes, I like everyone in my ward, and I try not to judge them as a person based on their comments, but I can’t help but get irked at some of the things people say.
Also, sorry I didn’t post to the introductions forum! I’ve never been great at navigating forums
Just A Girl wrote:sorry I didn’t post to the introductions forum! I’ve never been great at navigating forums
No biggie at all. We are more concerned about you than where you posted at!
Just A Girl wrote:But I’m very much looking forward to joining your community. You all seem very wise, insightful, and supportive. Thank you all
Flattery will get you everywhere!
No worries. It’s in the introductions section now. 🙂 Just a Girl, I understand completely when you say: Quote:I also hate some of the comments that are made in Sunday School. It’s hard when someone decides to make a comment that you find rude or close-minded. Honestly, I don’t want to be associated with people like that. I know they’re not trying to be rude, and I don’t want to judge. But I also don’t want to be looked at as someone who cares more about the church’s rules than being a good person. I can’t stand people who care more about the rules than just being nice and accepting of others, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.
Maybe because I’m as old as dirt. I don’t hesitate to disagree with someone at Church when they choose to be rude or thoughtless. Sometimes I disagree because I don’t like the point they are trying to make & see if they can reinforce the point.
It can be done diplomatically.It comes with practice. Another thing I do, when someone tries to quote something obscure or vague, ask them for the source and you really want to
study it further.
:angel: Sometimes we do it here on this forum. We usually don’t take it personally. We really want to know where someone is coming from.
Another things I’ve learned over the years, it’s important to find people you can relate to. People you can trust & can hold a confidence. Learn to interview people & find out who they
reallyare. There are others in your Ward that are looking for a friend like you with the same beliefs & attitudes. You will be surprised who they are. Quote:I don’t hesitate to disagree with someone at Church when they choose to be rude or thoughtless. Sometimes I disagree because I don’t like the point they are trying to make & see if they can reinforce the point. It can be done diplomatically. It comes with practice. Another thing I do,
when someone tries to quote something obscure or vague, ask them for the source and you really want to
study it further.
Great advice, Mike. Thanks- this is something I really intend to work on
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