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[Anonymous]

Thanks for everyone’s comments. I did look at the family project website and the video was definitely good for me to see. I will have to look it over more thoroughly. One of the hardest days I have had was when I was traveling with family members (siblings and nephews) and the topic came up. Everyone was polite about it, but hearing their opinions was hard for me to take, and as it isn’t my place to share my daughter’s private information (they don’t know) I had to just try and make what I thought were informed and valid points, which were not really well received. I can only hope that when this news isn’t private anymore, that their opinions may change. I think it makes a big difference when people are close to someone who is gay, and it changes the way they think about the topic since now it is actually affects them personally. It was just really hard for me to be there, and I was very glad my daughter didn’t come along with us.

Thanks, Hawkgrrrl, for your message. Your son sounds like a great guy. I think it is important that when we hear derogatory remarks about gays we speak up. I have heard kids joking around at church and making comments that aren’t appropriate, and I think they just don’t realize that the person next to them might really be offended or hurt by their remarks. My daughter was part of her school’s GSA group, which was very helpful to her, I’m sure. In hindsight, I am glad we did not get involved in the Prop 8 issue, which would surely have been painful to my daughter if we had. My husband was actually quite vocal in the family about not supporting the church’s efforts in that regard.

I imagine at some point in the future I may be able to help someone else going through the same issue. I’m just trying to keep the faith and figure out how I can keep going to church and be positive about being there.

Turinturambar, it is fine if you want to private message me. Thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

The advice I have is to consider adopting the attitude I did a while ago. When something happened in our family and we felt a bit estranged from our local Ward (not that this has happened, but you presented it as a risk in your Opening Post), I went through a period where I felt my family was somehow substandard….but then I realized that you can have a beautiful family independent of the church. Don’t let church attitudes, the attitudes of judgmental people, etcetera, interfere with your home family culture, your marriage, or relationships between family members.

Your family can be a place of love and healing for your daughter — the well spring of her life and relationships. Focus on that, and continue to embrace her inner beauty, her place in your family, nurturing your unique, overall family culture and the way she enriches your life. Develop your own philosophy and beliefs about what it means to have same sex attraction.

Our family culture is starting to diverge from what a traditional family looks like. Our own experiences have led me to the point where we no longer believe our family’s happiness, or individual happiness depends on any kind of formal or informal approval from the church or its members. I personally have minimized the role the church has in my life in terms of time I dedicate to it, preferring to dedicate my time to other worthy causes that benefit others and my own spirituality.

What I’m saying is that if the time ever comes that anyone in your family feels estranged from the church due to diversity in sexual orientation, or any other difference, remember the world is big — there are a lot of places in the world where you can feed the spirit through service, lots of ways you can have a beautiful family that doesn’t necessarily conform to the kind of family you see lined up on a bench in Sacrament meeting.

[Anonymous]

That is good to know, because I have two dear children now who don’t attend, so the group on the bench is looking mighty small right about now. Thankfully not a lot of people are asking questions, because it upsets me to have to bother to respond. I know it is well-meaning for the most part, but its sort of like that … “Oh, we missed so and so last week, is everything okay?” to which I just smile and nod. ” Yep, everything is good.” And then I skeedaddle. My DH suggests getting a bit thicker skin at church, but all it takes to reduce me to tears is to start thinking of those dear kids and how I miss having them there and then I have to watch that I don’t start crying. People must think I am super spiritual these day because I am usually very close to tears. 😥 If they only knew that half the time my heart is hurting.

On the up side our family is very close. The younger kids don’t know about their sister’s secret. I am thankful for my wonderful kids and their love for each other. I am thankful for your comments and for finding this website and for the blessings in my life. So….. thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Hi Harmony,

You and your husband sound like great parents. I remember reading that if a gay youth has even partial acceptance at home, the effect on their self esteem is exponential.

I wish to point you towards two resources that I’ve found in my time kicking around StayLDS.

One is bridget_night. Bridget is a StayLDS poster with similar experiences to yours. On another thread Bridget wrote:

Quote:

I am not gay, but I have a gay son who very much wanted to serve a mission until he discovered his same-sex attraction at 16. He too thought he was going to hell at first and prayed his little heart out for God to take aways those feelings. When it didn’t happen, he lost his faith and left the church. I wrote a book about our story called, “Prayers for Johnathan” and my involement in ex-gay ministries, especially Evergreen, the lds one. I truly believed, “change is possible’ and for some it maybe, but I do not believe it is for most. I am very aware of the book, you mentioned “In Quiet Desperation”, by Ty Mansfield and the Matis’s. I know them personally. They are good people. Ty is a friend of mine and was able to find his heterosexual potential and married a wonderful woman several years ago and have a beautiful little boy now. Ty recently wrote his second book called: “Vocies of Hope” http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Hope-Persp … B005QQ0AF8 which I have not read but heard was good. At this link is Carol Lynn Pearson’s book, “No More Goodbyes, circling the wagons,” that I highly recommend to you and your parents more than the others. I had sent my son, “In Quiet Desperation” because I thought it was very lovingly written, but my son did not like it because he was pretty much entrenced in the gay world by then. I do believe that both these books are worth reading, just for the spiritual aspects and because they are not judgmental of gays. I would be happy to send you a free ebook of mine which shows parents, friends, and family how to build bridges and find common ground with their gay children. The most powerful spiritual experience I ever had is when I wrote the finally ending to my book. It was when God told me to see my son as in the story of the blind man in the Bible. In Jesus day, if a man was born blind, it was either because the man had sinned, or his parents had sinned. We know what God told the people who asked him whose fault was it that this man was blind; namely that it was no ones fault but to show forth the glory of God. This was so healing to my soul and made me realize that my only job was to love my son, not to change him. God also told me that one of the reason he created gays was to test straight people, to see if they could love those who would be considered the ‘least’ in his kingdom. That straight peoples salvation would be on the line by how they treated gays. It was the most wonderful spiritual experiences I have ever had.

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2975&p=37798&hilit=gays#p37798

Bridget doesn’t post very often at the moment but I’m sure there are ways of contacting her if you decide to go that route.

The other is the story of “So you think you can Dance” Champion – Benji Schwimmer

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2975&p=37798&hilit=gays#p37798

Hugs and prayers to you, your daughter, and your family.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the links, Roy, I am looking forward to checking them out. I am feeling more positive about trying to work through this and still stay a member of the ward/church. Having this site as a resource and having people I can share with and get input from is already very helpful. Thanks!

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