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[Anonymous]

Hi, all. My name is Annie and I live in Salt Lake City. After reading some of your posts, I’m wondering if my problems are really all that big, and yet I feel compelled to empty my heart to y’all. For some reason I can’t identify, I no longer want to go to church. I feel exhausted, and I’ve always felt like I wore a mask at church, an outsider looking in.

I am 6th generation on my mom’s side; my dad was a convert who never attended church regularly until he was about 64 and then had a “near-death” experience and got religion. I was so angry at him for wasting so much time that I stopped paying my tithing so I wouldn’t have to go to the temple when my parents were finally sealed. But this really isn’t my problem. That happened nearly 20 years ago.

The thing is, although I’ve never actually BEEN Molly Mormon, I have tried my hardest all my life. I’ve always been there if someone needed my help. I’ve always been the strong one. My younger sisters have relied on me and I’ve always tried to be what they needed, especially for my baby sister, who was born on my 14th birthday. But I just can’t do it any more. For about the last year, I’ve had to push myself to get up and go to church. I would rather stay home and sleep, even though church doesn’t even start until 1:00. I feel so tired all the time; but especially on Sundays. When I do go to church, I spend the rest of the afternoon napping. I let my temple recommend lapse a couple of years ago because I was having trouble keeping up on my tithing and it is still pretty much hit or miss. And there’s another thing–I’ve never really felt comfortable in the temple. It reminds my of the initiation ritual I went through in college when I pledge Mu Phi Epsilon (a professional musician’s fraternity–yes, its open to females, too.) It was kind of off-putting even then and hasn’t really gotten any better. I realize that satan is probably capitalizing on the fact that our society teaches us to disdain ritual and ceremony, but even so, it bothers me.

I’ve been single more than I’ve been married. I married at the age of 35 and found myself divorced with a 5-year old only 8 years later. That was a little over 10 years ago now. My daughter is 16 now and I think she is wavering in her testimony, too. I know that this is my fault; I haven’t taught her as well as I should have.

I’ve never really felt like I fit in at church–I’m different than all those other women. As I said, I’ve been single more than not. Even when I was married, I had to work outside the home. My ex is gay, which just adds another layer of “different” on me. And my biggest worry is that he will somehow teach my daughter that gay is OK and she’ll end up that way, too.

I feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me? I realize this probably sounds very trivial; it does to me. And yet, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea I hurt this badly. I’m sorry to dump on y’all but I have to admit it feels good just to get it out. Maybe I can deal with it better by putting a name to it.

I suppose the stock answers are “pray and read your scriptures.” I have tried and I do find some comfort there. But I can’t find the strength I need to get back to where I was even, let alone move on.

[Anonymous]

Welcome. This seems like a good place for you; I hope it is.

[Anonymous]

Welcome! It sounds to me like your cup is empty.

What is it that gives you joy? I would suggest finding out. Then spend time each and every week (daily if possible) doing the things that bring you joy. Some might call it “following your bliss.” To me it is being your authentic self or following the Light of Christ.

I also want to let you in on a little secret. Almost all the other women in RS feel the same way you do! They feel alone, different, guilty and more. It’s ironic because the truth is that we are all One and the same spark of Divinity is in each of us.

[Anonymous]

Annie (Craftmomma), you are OK.

Craftmomma wrote:

I’ve never really felt comfortable in the temple. It reminds my of the initiation ritual I went through in college when I pledge Mu Phi Epsilon (a professional musician’s fraternity–yes, its open to females, too.) It was kind of off-putting even then and hasn’t really gotten any better.

Your perspective is valid. So the temple ceremonies don’t “work” for you. Evil only wins if you feel ashamed or angry or irritated about it. You are okay. Just don’t go unless you feel the desire.

Craftmomma wrote:

And my biggest worry is that he will somehow teach my daughter that gay is OK and she’ll end up that way, too.

It sounds like there is not much you can do about that. Just as with the church, her relationship with him is what it is. Just improve yourself, love your former husband, and exemplify heaven for your daughter. Worrying is a negative behavior, and she and he will be just fine. The fact is that people who have intimate dealings with diverse people do tend to learn to accept diverse people. That goes for race, religion, perspective, culture, and behavior. She will learn to love or hate him depending on his way of being. There’s nothing you should to to interfere with that, I don’t think.

Craftmomma wrote:

I feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me? I realize this probably sounds very trivial; it does to me. And yet, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea I hurt this badly. I’m sorry to dump on y’all but I have to admit it feels good just to get it out. Maybe I can deal with it better by putting a name to it.

Telling the truth can be good. You are okay. It sounds like maybe there is some conflict within you between things you have affirmed to be real for many years and things you know to be real deep within. Could that be possible?

I would love to know more about your Dad and his story. Is he still in this world?

[Anonymous]

Hi Annie

Sounds to me like you need a big giant dose of self acceptance and then maybe some gentle self care. And maybe a giant hug too….so here is a big one of those.

You are good! You don’t have to prove it by wearing a mask or comparing yourself to that Molly Mormon ideal. You are what you are and your life is what it is. Own it and be ok with all the parts and pieces to it. Having a gay exhusband…..why does that have to make you “different”? Why wouldn’t that make you more wise and full of extra understanding and able to reach out to someone else in pain or fear?

Sometimes I think the whole church wears a mask. Who knows– maybe all humans do that. And why? because we don’t believe that we are good, kind, and loving just the way we are. But I think that if we are living that way then we really don’t understand the gospel of Jesus and are certainly missing the boat with regards to grace. A little while ago, I just decided to be real and to stop trying so hard to hide myself or stop believing that all this pretense and pretending made me more righteous. It is hard to walk into the world and be completely authentic….well, it was for me. But it sure feels good. SOOO liberating….even though I feel nekked some days.

You sound good, kind and loving to me. Not perfect, but who the heck cares? I would much rather have a friend that is real and who tells me the truth than one who is always showing me her “best side” so that I will always think the best things of her or even worse, one who has to compete with me. BLAH! It is OK not to be the picture. I don’t think that’s who God wants anyway.

With regards to the self care and your exhaustion, what is it that you need dear? Do you need rest? Then give it to yourself. Do you need love….friendship….permission not to contort yourself into the mormon pretzel? Well, then give that to yourself too. It is ok to sleep or stop an exhausting thought process if it isn’t serving you.

I was studying charity yesterday and how important it is that we treat ourselves with that kind of love. Charity isn’t a mask. Charity isn’t a pretty picture. It is something that can go to the depths and breadths of any situation with power and healing and empathy and strength. I have felt God teaching me lessons about all this during these last few years and He pulled me away from the church (not gospel) to do it. It has been one of the best journeys of my life.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you feel supported and free to just say it like it is.

PS.(little rant warning) When are we in the RS going to stop all this “perfect woman”, contrived, comparing syndrome? We gotta give ourselves, and everyone else, a big giant break!! As if being a pretty picture could make anyone more loving……..

Sometimes I just wanna yell “STOP IT!” purposely omitting the dazzling smile and basket of cookies!

[Anonymous]

Welcome Craftmomma!

I loved what poppyseed said! I couldn’t agree more.

[Anonymous]

Hi Annie, I hope you get a chance to read many of the stories and intros here. What I find interesting and helpful is that most here have a different way of viewing the church than the norm. I find it quite refreshing and “real.” I think by reading others’ situations we can find peace in our own quirks.

Craftmomma wrote:

I feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me?

I suppose the stock answers are “pray and read your scriptures.” I have tried and I do find some comfort there. But I can’t find the strength I need to get back to where I was even, let alone move on

First, a common thread is the amount of “guilt” many feel. I don’t think guilt is really a helpful emotion, and in fact, causes more harm than good most of the time. I know this is easier said than done with our upbringing, but consider the possibility that guilt, as we have been taught, is man made. My personal belief is that “good and evil” is incorrectly taught in church, and perhaps a better way to view life is that everything is okay. Of course there are “results” of our thoughts and behaviors, and if the results are not what we want, we might consider changing. When we have that attitude, it’s amazing how much more peace we have.

Quote:

My ex is gay, which just adds another layer of “different” on me. And my biggest worry is that he will somehow teach my daughter that gay is OK and she’ll end up that way, too.

I’m just going to say it — Gay is okay. Science is quite clear in the analysis that homosexuality is biological. Would God really allow this to be so prevalent if it’s not okay? And gratefully, the church leaders are gradually coming to understand that. There appears to be 3 – 5% of the human population that are born with a significant predilection to be more physically attracted to the same sex than the other. Yes, there are some environmental factors that contribute to what is chosen, but we now understand the basic foundation of homosexuality, and you don’t have to worry about your daughter “becoming” that way if she is not now. To not have a loving relationship with her father is far worse, IMO.

Bottom line…many here have found a way to continue activity in the church despite a different view than the typical LDS member. I think it may be helpful to consider what it is you like about the church, rather than what it is you think others think you should like (did that come out right????).

Good luck on your journey!

~Rix

[Anonymous]

How did I miss the homosexuality issue? Sorry.

I have a (non-Mormon) friend whose ex-boyfriend “came out” to her as a way to explain breaking up. She thought at first that she had “turned him gay”. She understands now, but my point is that way too many people still don’t understand that the vast majority of homosexuals (especially gay men) don’t become gay by what they are taught; they simply are gay.

Please, do whatever you can to let go of that worry and guilt. It simply is not accurate – and it actually demeans and lessens you, your ex and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Welcome. I think you’ll fit in here nicely. We’re all misfits to one degree or another here.

Craftmomma wrote:

I feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing. You live in Salt Lake City. I grew up there. I think the culture there often leads to this sentiment. I was in the same boat. It is especially hard for people who have a propensity toward perfectionism.

Craftmomma wrote:

My ex is gay, which just adds another layer of “different” on me. And my biggest worry is that he will somehow teach my daughter that gay is OK and she’ll end up that way, too.

I’ll just echo what has been said here. I don’t think you need to worry about this. I’m not sure what led you to this conclusion, but from the things I’ve read it’s not nearly as simplistic as this. If it were we would just explain to our children to never steal, never lie, never be mean, never be gay, etc. and they would just turn out that way. Besides that, I’ll restate that gay is okay. Doesn’t bother me in the least.

[Anonymous]

Craftmomma wrote:

HI feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me? I realize this probably sounds very trivial; it does to me. And yet, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea I hurt this badly. I’m sorry to dump on y’all but I have to admit it feels good just to get it out. Maybe I can deal with it better by putting a name to it.

I suppose the stock answers are “pray and read your scriptures.” I have tried and I do find some comfort there. But I can’t find the strength I need to get back to where I was even, let alone move on.

WELCOME WELCOME.

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you, and your problems aren’t trivial. We’re glad you’re here and I think you’ll find a variety of answers, because if people start telling you to “pray and read”, Valoel starts jumping in to remind us that sometimes we need more than just those things.

Your feelings sound familiar to my own. I was telling myself I shouldn’t be worrying or doubting and I should be stronger…but you know, it didn’t matter what I should’ve could’ve or would’ve…I simply was lost and needed to start a journey to find something for myself.

For me, I really enjoyed John Dehlin’s interviews on the home page about stages on faith. Then others recommended I do some reading outside the norm. Things that struck me very profoundly were things on buddhism and the book Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell.

When I allowed myself to see things differently, it strengthened my appreciation for God in my life. I think there was growth. I am glad to be in the church and can love it despite flaws I see in it. It is a wonderful peace and I have more to learn. Please make yourself welcome, do some studying, and let yourself free of guilt and allow yourself to be ok with who you are. Welcome!

[Anonymous]

Hey Girl,

You say you are tired all the time and church is just an additional stress…. I understand that! As far the exhaustion, some of that could be linked to where you are in your life as far as biochemical changes. Allow yourself to participate in what seems right to you and let the rest go until you are ready. Hang on to the basics, but even more hang on to the hand of the Savior. I am at a place that I want to just feel a connection to the spiritual, whether at church, home or in nature (my favorite place for spiritual feelings). I too have struggled with the temple rituals and am not sure what the answer is for you there. I don’t have a current recommend because I don’t want one.

You might read Carol Lynn Pearson’s biography as far the ex goes. Her husband left her and four kids for a man, got AIDS and she nursed him til he died.

I guess knowing that life is SUPPOSED to be difficult and full of adversity doesn’t mean we are gonna like it, but for me it does make it easier when the s### hits the fan….. sometimes I can step to the side when I see it coming and sometimes it hits me full on.

One day at a time…..

redhatjunker

[Anonymous]

just me wrote:

Welcome! It sounds to me like your cup is empty.

What is it that gives you joy? I would suggest finding out. Then spend time each and every week (daily if possible) doing the things that bring you joy. Some might call it “following your bliss.” To me it is being your authentic self or following the Light of Christ.

I also want to let you in on a little secret. Almost all the other women in RS feel the same way you do! They feel alone, different, guilty and more. It’s ironic because the truth is that we are all One and the same spark of Divinity is in each of us.

Thank you, just me. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I no longer do any of the things I used to enjoy. Except read. And sometimes I wonder if that is just a closet I hide in so I won’t have to face the empty feelings. Every time I think about starting a craft or sewing project, I talk myself out of it because “I’m just too tired.” I used to sing all the time–in church, in the choir, at home, in the shower, in the car, even while I was doing housework. It always made whatever I was doing that much better. I had surgery on my throat about 3 years ago and while it didn’t ruin my singing voice, it added some difficulties–its gets tired faster and I have to deal with phlegm a lot more. I quit singing in the choir in order to let heal and have never gone back because it didn’t feel up to par. Sounds like its time to start going again. I love singing more than anything in the world (except my wonderful daughter, of course!)

Thanks again, that helps a lot. I’ll try my best to put your advice to work.

[Anonymous]

Tom Haws wrote:

Annie (Craftmomma), you are OK.

Craftmomma wrote:

And my biggest worry is that he will somehow teach my daughter that gay is OK and she’ll end up that way, too.

It sounds like there is not much you can do about that. Just as with the church, her relationship with him is what it is. Just improve yourself, love your former husband, and exemplify heaven for your daughter. Worrying is a negative behavior, and she and he will be just fine. The fact is that people who have intimate dealings with diverse people do tend to learn to accept diverse people. That goes for race, religion, perspective, culture, and behavior. She will learn to love or hate him depending on his way of being. There’s nothing you should to to interfere with that, I don’t think.

You’re right about this part. I decided very soon after the divorce that my daughter deserved to be able to love her dad and I’ve made it a point not to interfere in their relationship in any way–including snide remarks and showing anger or frustration when she’s around. She’s been fine with him until last summer when he told her he was gay. She completely cut him out of her life for about 4-5 months and then invited him back. She seems to be OK with it for the most part.

Craftmomma wrote:

I feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me? I realize this probably sounds very trivial; it does to me. And yet, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea I hurt this badly. I’m sorry to dump on y’all but I have to admit it feels good just to get it out. Maybe I can deal with it better by putting a name to it].

Quote:

Telling the truth can be good. You are okay. It sounds like maybe there is some conflict within you between things you have affirmed to be real for many years and things you know to be real deep within. Could that be possible?

Yes, I think you’re right. Now the question is, how do I fish it out?

Quote:

I would love to know more about your Dad and his story. Is he still in this world?

No, my dad died about 5 years ago now. He was in his 70s and basically died of old age and smoking-related issues. I’m sure my Dad is one of my issues. I am the oldest of 8 and was the only girl for about 8 years. I got a lot of responsibility dumped on my shoulders at a very young age. This is probably what’s made me uptight and driven, but I don’t think its really the issue with my dad. He was a very strict, hard-nosed kind of guy that usually hit first and asked questions later. And as the oldest, I took a lot of heat for things that were beyond my control (like bratty younger brothers ). I can remember my dad taking the missionary lessons when I was about 5-6, and my parents reading the Book of Mormon with my maternal grandparents when I was about 8, and playing on the floor at their feet. Its seems like all my life we were going to the temple “next year” or “before Annie turns 18.” But I think the biggest problem was that he was not a very demonstrative person. Especially with his girls. He would wrestle on the floor with the boys and things like that, but would not let me get involved in the fun. I realize now that it was because he didn’t want me to get hurt, but it hurt me inside instead. And he didn’t realize how important it is to be involved in your kids activities. He never attended our school nights, choir performances, and other things like that. That bothered me for a long time too. I thought that I had worked all that out until he died and it all came rushing back. I was a wreck the afternoon after the funeral. But I’ve had a lot of time to think about it more and I realize that my dad probably did the best he knew how with the training and upbringing he himself had. The thing that bothers me most now is that I don’t really mourn the loss of my Dad (like I do my Mom), but the loss of the relationship that we could have had. Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone for your comments. They were all very insightful. I will be pondering them and praying about them. Poppyseed, I especially enjoyed your comments. Everything you said was something I needed to hear. I am too perfectionistic. I’ve always blamed that on being a first-born. But is so true. I feel driven to do everything perfectly, and if I can’t be perfect, then I don’t do it. Better to give up than not be perfect. Is this stupid or what?!

Thanks for the reading recommendations, too (ooh! I don’t remember who recommended that!) But I will look at them. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Hi Anna, George here. I’ve been single more than married too. Sealed in the temple at 22, divorced at 47, now 68. I have five children and twelve grandkids. They keep me young. All are TBMs other than one son (gay) and one married son currently researching the shaky foundations of our church. I attend mostly Sacrament (to pass the grand babies along), but don’t feel comfortable in the institutional church. Like a old relative once said, “The church left me, I didn’t leave it.” I miss the road shows, the dinners, the dance festivals. I miss when you were at the ward building most nights of the week.

The church is focused on building chapels in far-off lands now. We seem to be mostly a “Sunday go to meeting church.” There is little growth in America. I wonderful if we are witnessing a major downsizing of our church?

Welcome here, in this community. I enjoy the threads. Shalom.

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