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I guess I no longer belong on StayLDS, Last week I sent an email to Bishop, RS President, YW President and a few other key people saying that we will no longer be attending church. It is not an official resignation as DH still has a strong testimony, but simply does not want to attend. It appears that I was the only one holding it all together for the past few years and his attendance was very casual. I have a testimony of God and Jesus, but not of the BoM and the Church. Not sure if this means I will be exéd or whether we just fade away – I hadn’t thought that through and have been given no indication from the priesthood.
As for extended family – it doesn’t change for me as none of mine are LDS and they aren’t really interested either way. For DH, nothing has really change as he has spent most of his life inactive anyway. I am sure his parents will be very disappointed if they knew the whole story, but I am not going there with them, it is DH’s choice if he wants to.
Interestingly, DH has been very adamant about the truth of the church since I have “come out” to him, his actions are an interesting case study in human nature that’s for sure!
So most of the angst and anguish has been in my head. The kids are really happy. Dh is slightly disturbed but I think he is ignoring it now. I am relieved.
Physically, not much has changed other than we now have weekends free and an extra night through the week that was for Youth. We haven’t suddenly started breaking the law of chastity or Wow or turned into demons
The members of the church have been really lovely with messages saying the door is always open and that they will pray for us. No one has unfriended me on Facebook and I still conversations with a few.
I am considering dropping off the Ward Facebook page as notification of events are leaving me a little sad. I really did enjoy the Christmas pageants, pot luck dinners, Friday night ladies dinner, etc. I also hover over the keyboard to say yes for volunteering assignments (eg camp cook/supervisor!) but know I should not do those. I will still offer to help individual members, at least until I don’t feel welcome anymore! I hope friendships will hold enough so that doesn’t happen.
I want to thank everyone here for your insights, it has really helped me come to terms with my issues. It has meant I stayed longer than I thought I would and certainly do not leave with any resentment. I see that there are a lot of different types of people in the church living it their own way and making a difference.
Good luck on your journey but there’s no reason you can’t continue to share it with us. There are several participants here who have not attended church in several years but appreciate the balanced, moderate religious discussion about topics that are relevant to those who have associate or continue to associate with Mormons. If it’s any reassurance, my wife announced she would not attend any more 3 years ago. She was not ‘exed’ – non-attendance is not justification for excommunication. She still attends activities occasionally and she still has 3-4 very close friends from church that she sees regularly. I sincerely hope that your church friends continue to make you welcome. There’s also no reason you can’t continue helping at service activities.
Actually you do belong here. Your experience is relevant, There are other folk here in a similar position. I agree with everyone here that you do belong here….there are a lot of people like you who participate. Some of us are like you in our belief systems, except we go to church — but inwardly, have similar feelings you do. In other words, there is “presenteesism” where we are disengaged from the church experience as you are, but simply take our bodies to the church every sunday anyway (I am one of them). So, I would continue posting here and being part of our community. If there is a place that accepts people who no longer believe, and still wants to interact with them, THIS IS THE PLACE. (bringing new meaning to Brigham Young’s famous purported statement!).
I don’t attend church, believe in its truth claims, participate in its cultural rituals…and my leaders know how I feel. I participate here to practice my communications and tact when dealing with LDS family members, and to perhaps make it a softer landing for those who are just starting, to help validate those who come here angry and bitter, and to temper the apologetics of the site so those like me feel they can discuss without fear of being rebuked.
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There is no reason you can’t continue to participate, as long as you can continue to support those who want to stay – and I don’t see anything in your post that would indicate you can’t do that. To repeat, there is nothing in not attending that is a justifiable reason for excommunication. Inactivity is not a valid reason.
I hope you will stay, as you can read we are a varied group, and even when you take time off the issues are still there. It sinks into us, it influences us like a whisper, so please stick around. I am the more believing spouse, actually my husband and I love the same foundational theology, but for him it was too painful to participate in. He didn’t turn into a demon either. It’s a journey – whether you attend or don’t. We’d still love to share your journey with you. conflicted testimony wrote:I want to thank everyone here for your insights, it has really helped me come to terms with my issues. It has meant I stayed longer than I thought I would and certainly do not leave with any resentment. I see that there are a lot of different types of people in the church living it their own way and making a difference.
I’m interested to know where you head towards and how you feel without church activity. I have no problems with people taking a break from church and not really wanting to sign up for active lifestyle….I’m just interested in how the alternatives compare. Feel free to keep posting on how you trade for better things in your life. Let us know how you fair.I haven’t attended a church meeting in over 10 years, and that’s actually why I think I do belong here. I have doubts and questions about the church and about the gospel itself. I’d say your situation is exactly why you dobelong here. Not going to church and not being LDS are not exactly the same things. I appreciate this thread. I have pretty much given up on the church this past year and haven’t visited this discussion board much since as I didn’t feel like I belonged, even though I previously enjoyed it. I decided to pop back in tonight and this thread was just what I needed.
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I’d really like to hear about your next steps and hope you’ll stay here. Thanks for your perspective everyone. I’ll admit I was thinking quite selfishly and not thinking about contributing to others! It’s interesting that I no longer consider myself “LDS”! I was filling in a form today for enrolment to a new school for son and I was unsure what to put for religion. I ended up putting Christian. It made it just a bit more real.
We are still doing prayers of thanks for the food and for our family, and still using the LDS prayer format, mostly because we don’t know any other way. I am ok with that. I have also still done personal prayers.
Saturday we have lunch with DH’s active member family. I have decided to not participate in any church based discussion, if they arise.
Coming up to christmas is quite busy, so I don’t expect to have too much time to do too much, but after Christmas I will be looking for more volunteering assignments outside the church. I am a stay-at-home-mum and find I need to be out there making a contribution to society, I will be able to spread myself further afield than church activities now.
May I suggest something? If you’ve built friendships through meeting people at church, there should be no reason that you cannot continue those friendships outside of the church building.
If you genuinely want to help your friends, then do it!
Remember that the Savior has asked us to love others and one way we can show that love is by helping others when there is a need.
It sounds like the church organization has provided a way for you to meet some really great people – what a blessing.
I think you can step away from the church organization, but still be active in your social circle. If you like the ward’s potlucks, why not go to a few now and then? You could think of it as merely social play (which is what it is).
Remember, too, that the church organization is just that…a way to organize people and activities. If you want to get together with your friends each Friday night, then why not join in on an already planned activity?
I can honestly say that I am always befuddled when someone steps away from church activity and cuts off their friends at the same time. I have had a few of my friends step back from church activity…and they stopped talking to everyone. It was painful for me and those who were close to them. Not because they stopped coming to church (I don’t care what they do on Sundays), but because it felt like they threw away our friendships.
Please do hold on to those friends who bring you peace. You’ll not regret keeping friends.
Good point QA. When I was a TBM literally all of my friends were LDS. I lost some of them by their choice when I stopped going to church, and there are various reasons for that. However, my true friends that happen to be LDS are still my friends. I do seek service opportunities outside the church, but I will also participate in church service activities. Church people did not suddenly become the enemy simply because we believe differently. QuestionAbound wrote:I can honestly say that I am always befuddled when someone steps away from church activity and cuts off their friends at the same time. I have had a few of my friends step back from church activity…and they stopped talking to everyone. It was painful for me and those who were close to them. Not because they stopped coming to church (I don’t care what they do on Sundays), but because it felt like they threw away our friendships.
I bet some of that is them wanting to avoid what they see as an inevitable conversation/confrontation. Why did you stop coming to church? What’s wrong? etc. Whether their friends would do that is beside the point, what matters is how the person wanting to leave perceives the situation.
The culture can also play a role in this. I’ve seen people get the third degree when they decided to leave, treated as if something were wrong with them, assumed to be sinners, and made into projects. That’s one of the reasons I liked Uchtdorf’s talk, it addressed the issue head on… but if someone is in that culture and decides to leave I can see how they might feel like cutting all ties is the path of least resistance. They don’t want to be subject to a process that they’ve seen.
conflicted testimony wrote:The members of the church have been really lovely with messages saying the door is always open and that they will pray for us. No one has unfriended me on Facebook and I still conversations with a few.
That’s good to hear. I just mention that stuff above because I’m sure that there are at least some in that boat.
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