Nose Above the Water for Now but sinking quick

[Anonymous]

Hi All

I think I am in the right place but if not maybe someone will let me know.

I have been in the LDS church for only 5 months. I was on the fence for a long time and finally joined, self-referred for missionaries and so forth.

I believe in all the fundamental doctrines of the church and believe in the gospel. I love going to church and doing my calling, home teaching, etc. I am, however, having a tough time staying and will probably go inactive soon.

I am married and have children but converted by myself. The LDS church is a huge problem with my spouse, and a source of contention no matter what trivial thing I do. I put up with ridicule from her and people I am close to. I get no back in the house whatsoever and this makes it really hard to practice my faith. I struggle with tithing (behind already….), Word of Wisdom (doing better…), and just getting out to meetings because spouse always finds a way to be sick or have something going on on Sunday. The drama is getting unbearable. I would probably separate (was thinking about it before i joined….) but I have a disabled child and her health is bad, too. Doing so would make me an evil person.

I get lots of inivites from folks in the ward and they get tense when I come by myself – what am I supposed to say, my whole family hates and distrusts Mormons and they don’t want to come? I am doing the best I can.

I grapple with church culture. I am in my mid forties and was a cop at one time so I don’t like being bossed by teenagers, which has happened a couple of times. I am from a large urban area back east and most of the ward are from the corridor, we have very little in common besides the gospel. My accent and dress turn some people off. At the same time, I am repulsed by some of the external characteristics of my fellows – the Ozzy and Harriet thing can get way over the top. Some folks who were cozy while I was an investigator are kind of snippy now. I know – A LOT OF THIS IS ME, I am not easy to get along with sometimes and don’t know how to act all of this time! But I am 100% sincere in all things and kind of far along in life to put up with a lot of nonsense even if I wanted to.

On the bright side, the bishop is a truly good man, best I have seen in any congregation in a long time. My Quorum president happens to be someone I like and see a lot on the job. I don’t confide in him on everything because I know that he is work and personally overloaded. I have some new friends too, even though I get the feeling that they wouldn’t be my friends for long if I did something that crossed them. New friends are very hard to make at this point in life anyway so I can’t fault them. Again, I have a testimony that is better than a lot of folks who have been in for years.

I would love to hear from someone who had to deal with some of these feelings and if they couldn’t overcome them , help me find some way to gracefully go inactive until things are a little better. I am unhappy all the time.

Z.

[Anonymous]

That’s a tough situation, especially with the your daughter’s health. If you were considering a separation from your wife even before joining the Church, that makes it even harder. On that front, all I can ask is why you feel separating would make you an evil person – especially if you still are committed to helping your daughter as much as possible.

Two things literally jumped out at me, so I will address them directly:

Quote:

I believe in all the fundamental doctrines of the church and believe in the gospel. I love going to church and doing my calling, home teaching, etc.

Don’t sacrifice that for unhappiness outside the Church and the Gospel. Address the unhappiness somehow, but don’t choose the unhappiness over the happiness. That’s just a gut plea. If you’ve been considering a separation even before baptism because of your unhappiness, and you’ve found something you love, please don’t give up what you love for what you only tolerate.

Quote:

On the bright side, the bishop is a truly good man, best I have seen in any congregation in a long time. My Quorum president happens to be someone I like and see a lot on the job. I don’t confide in him on everything because I know that he is work and personally overloaded.

They are there SPECIFICALLY to help people in situations like yours. Please don’t deprive them of the chance to serve you simply because you don’t want to impose. My wife said something in a talk last week in church, and I think you might need to here it. My summary from memory:

Quote:

We need to learn to allow others to serve us, as well – and to be grateful for the organization that pushes us to serve and be served. Jesus himself depended on his friends. He ate their food, slept in their houses, relied on them for everything as he ministered to them. Refusing help from others when we need it is like refusing to be like Him in a real way.

My wife is a profound, insightful person. I’d listen to her if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation there. Wow… It sounds like things are pretty rough at the moment.

It sounds like you are really enjoying some things about your participation in the church. I also hear that despair about falling short of doing it all (being perfect). I have felt like that at times, and i’ve been a member my whole life. So don’t feel too alone. That “Ozzie and Harriet” veneer is only so deep. Everyone struggles with stuff. Some admit it to themselves and some don’t. My approach is to feel happy and enjoy the good things I *can* do. You just have to emotionally let go of the things you can’t do right now. It doesn’t mean give up, but prioritize. God understands. I have hope in that. I can’t do it all either. I don’t. Focus on being better and making personal progress in your life, enjoy the little successes. Don’t focus on the fact that you fail to be perfect. See the difference? It’s a shift in perspective. There are so many beautiful ideas to explore in the Gospel. It is very satisfying.

My wife is generally antagonistic towards the Church too, so I know how hard that can be. She has been more chilled out about the past several months though. It comes and goes. I have tried to stand my ground in a loving way with this topic between us. I enjoy church. She doesn’t. I respect her decisions. I firmly expect some reciprocity in return. I don’t have to convince her it is true again. I focus on that fact it is just important to me. She has things that are important to her, and those get my backing. That approach works for me.

Having a disabled child adds a lot of stress to a marriage. I don’t have that with my own kids, but I grew up with a brother with disabilities. I can see how tough it was, more now that I am also a parent. My hat is off to you my brother. I don’t know what to say offhand about that part of your life. You would know better than me.

[Anonymous]

z – I can identify with quite a few things you said. I agree with Ray that if you were considering separation before, it’s not a new thought brought on by this situation. If your wife is antagonistic toward your beliefs, that makes things tough. If she’s not trying to understand, that is significant. If she’s trying, but just having good days and bad days, maybe it will get better. But if you give up what you cherish to appease others, regardless of who the others are, you will only resent them in the long run.

I truly identify with being an east-coaster surrounded by Mormon corridoreans and feeling like an outsider in speech & dress. And yet unable and unwilling to assimilate to their unfamiliar speech & dress. You should be proud of your heritage and learn to be comfortable in your own skin, even though you are unlike them. You doubtless have other similarities. I agree with Valoel that everyone is struggling with something. Find others who are authentic, not just trying to put on a show of being perfect. You can only make friends with someone who is authentic and accepts him/herself. Those who have to pretend to be perfect can’t make friends because they don’t even like themselves, so how can they like someone else?

Good luck to you. Hang in there. Sounds like you’ve got a struggle.

[Anonymous]

Thanks – I feel better already. It was very heartening to read these quick responses. After I wrote my initial message I managed to get out for a little while and do some genealogy with one of the brothers who lives nearby. I was particularly glad to find at least one person around here who has a wife out of the church and not dealing with it well – Much appreciate the advice. I’ll be hanging around for a while.

Best

Z

[Anonymous]

Hey there

Ive read your post a number of times and have been finding it hard to find the words to say

I am in a slightly different situation than yourself – my wife and I are both members who fell inactive and I am currently working hard on trying to regain a testimony whereas my wife seems to not want to

However she doesnt resent me wanting to

I personally think one day we will both be back at church fully active just not any time soon

BUT I can empathise and relate in a way

I lived at home with my mum when I converted and it was not an easy time for me

She has a lot against the church – not really its people – just the church as a whole

The tithing

The temple work

The 3 hour meetings

The fact that I wouldnt go buy ciggies for her on sunday anymore

its all very strange at times

all I can say is stay strong in your faith

Its a lot harder to let it get to the stage I did then work back

be well and send me a pm if you want

[Author]

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