Not as sure as I used to be

[Anonymous]

I have been a long time LDS Blog reader, but seldom Post. This site seemed interesting to me.

I was born into the LDS Church, but was not active until my Teen Years. I am the only Member of my Family that attends Church. I served a mission and upon my return married in the temple and currently have 5 Children. For the 2 years prior to my mission I guess I could have been considered an Ultra Mormon. Only Listened to LDS music (KUTR sounds like Utah), mandatory scripture reading every night, prayers callings etc. My mission actually taught me how to relax (because of a loving mission president and his wife).

Currently I am by all appearances an Active Mormon. I go to Church Every Sunday, Family Attends all Ward Activities, Volunteer for cannery, building cleaning mill etc) and generally are well known and liked in the ward( mainly my wife’s doing) I have served in many callings during my time in the Church, EQ Presidency, ward clerk, ward mission leader, ss teacher, Primary Teacher etc. In fact it seems in the 19 years I have been married I can not remember a time longer than 2 months the wife and I had nothing to do in church.

Lately I am feeling a little empty with the whole Church Experience. Beginning to seem my attendance is more towards keeping my kids in a good organization than myself. I sit and listen to the lessons, but it has been a long time since I have felt anything. It seems a lot of the lessons as of late deal with all the things I must do to get to heaven. Home teach, tithing, fulfill callings, obey etc. I am tiring of the constant reminders of what I’m not doing right, but little credit for what I am trying to do. I mean I am a good husband; never cheated on the wife, good to my kids, work in the church, try to be honest, Live WOW etc. I know church is about making us better, but it might be nice to occasionally hear you’re doing alright, God loves you, keep trying.

Also I am worried about the Spiritual beliefs I have outside of the regular Church Activity. I am missing that spark I had many years ago. That solid faith I had in God and Christ. I find myself wondering if any of it is true, but I have a small persistent voice that keeps pulling me back and telling me to be patient. I read a good article on an LDS blog a while back ‘Dark night of the Soul’ it described what I am feeling right now.

I guess my purpose here is to see how other people are dealing with issues and how I can incorporate there ideas into my thinking and maybe share some of my own

Thanks

Dan’s Thinking

[Anonymous]

Hi, DT.

Perhaps Heaven has a purpose for you in the church yet. Here’s how I think of it. I fully believe (and the LDS don’t have a monopoly on this) that I stood in the eternal world before my birth and willingly chose to dive into a Latter-day Saint life. Who knows why. I don’t for a moment consider that a stroke of good luck. It was merely my choice, or my mission. Now that I have gone through a conversion and see the church differently, does that release me from the mission I chose? In my case, at least, I see little value in changing religions. The church may not know it, but it needs us. Our only question should be, “Do I have enough love and patience and humility to make this marriage work?”

Glad to have you here.

KM

[Anonymous]

Hi Dan, glad you found us! I can relate to many of your points, I wish we were given an enthusiastic “good job” in the church more often. I do agree that striving for checklist perfection can be a slow swampy road. I find myself with similar thoughts, wishing we could elevate our purpose and outlook toward becoming more charitable and Christ like in attitude, loving more unconditionally, and finding common ground to unify instead of differences to pick at and divide. I think with a little patience and practice we can bring out some of these things as we continue with the church.

It’s good to have you here!

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the forums DT!

Thanks for introducting yourself. I was impressed with something about your story. It was the lack of turmoil over history, and instead that feeling of having run dry. It seems like a lot of people end up on these types of boards after a huge crash in faith. You sound tired, like you’ve gone about as far as you can go with the paradigm you had. I thought that was interesting. I get this sense from your post that you are really ready for a change. I admire how you seem to have made the most of what you had up until now. I didn’t always do that.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the Welcome!

I guess “tired” is a good way to sum it up. In terms of History, I have done quite a bit of reading and for a short time some items troubled me. I then decided that if people 100 years from now would look back on my life, they would have issues with me as well. I have done my share of stupid things. I decided that God takes people (problems and all) and does the work.

[Anonymous]

I really connected with that specific part of your journey. I think I passed pretty quickly through the turmoil of history to a similar acceptance — at least in that parcticular part of my faith deconstruction. I *KNOW* I am very flawed and screw things up, yet I feel acctepted and loved by God. I have had some “mystical” experiences, and they don’t make me a good, super-person. Being “ok” with past leaders to me, the way I function internally (and not everyone does this), is very connected with being “ok” with myself. I just tick that way. Other people get very angry. I understand that too. It just didn’t work like that for me.

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