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That Ye Be Not Judged. Posted on Exploring Sainthood. September 2, 2015 2 Comments Written by Guest Blogger
4564112690_4e1d096e99_bBy Annikka Burns
When my husband left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he talked about how Mormons often shun people and are not very Christ-like to people who disagree with them or who don’t fit the Mormon mold. But how could shunning be the norm? Shunning, shaming, criticizing, excluding, ignoring, disowning, or marginalizing others is not what Christ wants us to do. This kind of behavior is unbecoming in Latter-day Saints. Aren’t we all “prone to wander…prone to leave the God [we] love”? Don’t we owe each other some patience and faith?
A friend, a brother, a spouse, or a daughter, may confide that he or she is struggling with faith in God or belief in prophets. This is not the time to withdraw friendship. This is the time to let your heart overflow with charity. Be the best face of the church. Be a true disciple of Christ. You wouldn’t throw someone out because you thought their clothes were “wrong.” Don’t push them out just because you think their beliefs are wrong. I hear the confusion, the anguish, and even the bitterness of those disenchanted with the church or disaffected with its leadership as a plea: “Help me see the good in the gospel, or at least in its members, because I am struggling to see the value in them right now. Love me despite my views. Invite me to your barbeque, regardless of my relationship to the church.”
President Monson reminds us, “True charity is love in action.…It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily.…It is accepting people as they truly are….It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.” (October 2010)
Unfortunately, there are reports that some of us in the church don’t extend the charity we should to those who doubt, who leave the church, who are gay, who vote differently, who never served a mission, or who wear sleeveless dresses. Let us reject the siren song of the sanctimonious: seek instead to cleanse the inner vessel and don’t worry about the mud on the vessel next to you. Who knows? God may label that “mud” as beautiful, decorative paint.
The people I know at church are thoughtful and kind and generous, which is what made it difficult for me to believe my husband’s complaint. However, at general conference
, I was saddened to hear that the brethren had to clarify that “love thy neighbor” includes “let thy kids befriend thy neighbor’s kids.” Even more disturbing to me is the story of my friend’s husband, who was disowned by his staunch Mormon parents when he left the church.I began to get really upset with these members who are so uncharitable toward those who differ with them. My husband and lots of other people who question are watching you. Why do you not live what you claim to believe? As King Benjamin said, “if you believe all these things see that ye *do* them.” I’m not saying that Joe’s hypocrisy causes George’s apostasy. If someone decides to leave the church, that is ultimately between them and God. But it certainly gives George less motivation to come back.
As Paul said, “be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity.” Divorcing your spouse over apostasy, disowning your gay son, even excluding non-members from your playgroup: are these really the messages we want to send about how disciples of Christ behave? Don’t we allow all men the privilege to “worship how, where, or what they may,” even if it’s belief in atheism or different values?
The tendency of church members to judge instead of love really frustrates me, especially because I always want to tell my husband, “By their fruits ye shall know them,” and, “Just look at all the good fruits of the church!” I don’t want to add the caveat, “All the fruit, except for the fruit of how some members treat other people.” So, dear traditional (or heterodox) member, let us love more, accept more, embrace more, welcome more, befriend more, and judge less. If we claim the gospel as the church of Jesus Christ, let our fruits show it.
After a few months of being upset at those members who push others away with their judgmental actions, it kind of dawned on me: I was doing the same thing! I was judging them. I can’t control my spouse, my children, or anyone else—even if they claim church membership. The only person I can control is me; the only level of charity I control is mine. Mine are the only motives I can judge; mine are the only circumstances I fully understand. I will focus on the things in my control: my own actions. I can teach and live correct principles and trust my children, my husband—and my ward-members—to govern themselves.
Instead of just assuming they were thoughtlessly unkind, I started thinking about how these members might be feeling. I share some of the motives and concerns of the very members I had been upset with. It is natural to become defensive when our world-view is threatened, and even more intimidating when our very self-identity is threatened. That may help to explain family members who ignore or disown an apostate or doubting son.
Many of us rely at least somewhat on a “reflected” sense-of-self: basically, we get at least some of our self-image and self-worth from the people in our close relationships. Then it becomes very disruptive to our self-concept when those people change. As a result, we become very manipulative in an effort to control them, keep them stable, and thus keep our sense-of-self stable. For example, if my self-concept centers on my position as the “mother of a good Mormon boy,” and then he leaves the church, who am I?
I have certainly felt some outer layers of myself being stripped off since my husband’s disaffection, leaving a small, battered, raw core of Me struggling to decide who I really am and what I really stand for. My husband no longer validates my Mormon-ness. Among other things, I have decided I want to stand for love and for respecting agency. My love is based on neither moral agreement nor on meeting behavioral standards.
So, mom who limits her children’s friends: I think you are misguided, but I sympathize with your motives. Trust your children. They will have agency later, even if you limit it now. To the parents who disown disaffected or gay children: I grieve for you. You make me appreciate my loving parents.
To the ward member who makes a thoughtless remark to me or my husband: I wish you had a silencing sore throat today, but I respect your right to imperfection. I hope that the next time I say something hurtful to someone, they will accord me the same tolerance I am granting you.
My husband knows that the fruits of the church aren’t perfect. (Don’t we all have some rotten spots we are working to cut out?) But that’s okay. I will tell him—and myself—“Yes dear, it turns out *all* the Mormons are human. I know you noticed that about the prophets, but it turns out to be true of the rank and file as well.” If we were all perfect, we wouldn’t have much need for the church, and being charitable and non-judgmental would be a whole lot easier. And, I would do a lot less stretching and growing.
I worry a lot less now about what other people do or think. This has been very liberating. I find myself more peaceful as I walk around, both at church and everywhere else. I try to focus on understanding people and loving them—not correcting them. I appreciate the positive things they do. It is, thankfully, not my job to judge them or fix them. My husband has a lot more interaction with me than with any of them. If I want him to see Christ-like love, then my actions, my life, and my home are the place to start.
“I begin with what our young children learn in their play activities. Too often non-Mormons here in Utah have been offended and alienated by some of our members who will not allow their children to be friends with children of other faiths. Surely we can teach our children values and standards of behavior without having them distance themselves or show disrespect to any who are different.” – Oct 2014 Dallin H. Oaks“Occasionally I hear of members offending those of other faiths by overlooking them and leaving them out. This can occur especially in communities where our members are the majority. I have heard about narrow-minded parents who tell children that they cannot play with a particular child in the neighborhood simply because his or her family does not belong to our Church. This kind of behavior is not in keeping with the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. I cannot comprehend why any member of our Church would allow these kinds of things to happen.” – M. Russell Ballard 2001
Fig by Jamie Henderson licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
Quote:
A friend, a brother, a spouse, or a daughter, may confide that he or she is struggling with faith in God or belief in prophets. This is not the time to withdraw friendship. This is the time to let your heart overflow with charity. Be the best face of the church. Be a true disciple of Christ. You wouldn’t throw someone out because you thought their clothes were “wrong.” Don’t push them out just because you think their beliefs are wrong. I hear the confusion, the anguish, and even the bitterness of those disenchanted with the church or disaffected with its leadership as a plea: “Help me see the good in the gospel, or at least in its members, because I am struggling to see the value in them right now. Love me despite my views. Invite me to your barbeque, regardless of my relationship to the church.”I believe this is one of the thorns that has annoyed me since I was old enough to comprehend human relations, especially at church. Even as a TBM, our lack of love toward others really ticks me off. I just wouldn’t have written it that nicely.
Mom3: The writer did frame it well. Much better than I could have done.
When I started to distance myself a bit from the ward, I had assumed I would have someone checking up on me. My distancing started out as basic cry for help. Instead of any form of concern or care, I have felt weighed, measured, and found lacking. It has felt like someone made a judgement call about me, and the consensus was, “don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”
Back when I was TBM, I remember being offended when people would come out with all this negative stuff about the church they didn’t like. It was as if they were attacking MY personal beliefs. Now I see that they were simply expressing concerns about their own PAST beliefs. Things I now echo on a number of fronts. Not all were that way, but I have found it to be a dominant response when people are openly negative about the church and the doctrines they love. One friend has cared about me and my life long after hope of full church activity passed.
But I think there is largely consensus here on StayLDS that its generally best to keep unorthodox beliefs to oneself if you still want to have some kind of place in the community. Better to keep everyone guessing and make yourself out to be a bit of an enigma until such time you are ready to recommit, if that day ever comes.
I loved the recognition that she was judging others toward whom she was mad for judging her. “We love him, because he first loved us,” is a powerful concept. It is not easy – even excruciating, in some cases, to love first and continue to love in a way that makes long-suffering a real thing, but truly striving to understand without anger, condemnation and judgment is transformative. We talk here about wanting to be accepted for who we are, and it is crucial to try to find a way to do that for others first and regardless of whether or not they ever reciprocate our acceptance.
amateurparent wrote:When I started to distance myself a bit from the ward, I had assumed I would have someone checking up on me. My distancing started out as basic cry for help. Instead of any form of concern or care, I have felt weighed, measured, and found lacking. It has felt like someone made a judgement call about me, and the consensus was, “don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”
If you have the energy for it, I’m curious about your experience. Have you been able to have a real conversation with anyone, or is it more an awkward standoff?
Quote:Ann wrote: “If you have the energy for it, I’m curious about your experience. Have you been able to have a real conversation with anyone, or is it more an awkward standoff?”
Ann, it feels like a stand off.
I haven’t had a conversation with anyone. It feels like they are giving me space. Lots of space. So much space that it feels like a vacuum.
Quote:So much space that it feels like a vacuum
My favorite is the look on a teachers face when you raise your hand. I don’t even think about it until it happens, but one day I am going to burst out laughing because they are prepping for what I might say. Usually my stuff isn’t too bad, but I’ve had just enough comments that are borderline and have fallen from such a high pedestal – it causes a minor panic attack for them.
Quote:Mom3 wrote: “My favorite is the look on a teachers face when you raise your hand. I don’t even think about it until it happens, but one day I am going to burst out laughing because they are prepping for what I might say. Usually my stuff isn’t too bad, but I’ve had just enough comments that are borderline and have fallen from such a high pedestal – it causes a minor panic attack for them.”
Yup! I saw that look today in SS.
I spoke at the Church’s Women’s Conference years ago. Was published that year in their annual book .. I’ve done a lot within the church. This path is very different.
You are right when someone has a crisis of faith that is not the time to withdraw friendship. All to often that is what happens because (I believe members feel threatened or that someone elses disaffection will rub off on them) I have to agree with someone who wrote on this thread prior to me that when I was having my crisis of faith it was a cry for help and I withdrew. To my suprise not one person called or came over to check on our family to find out why we were not at church. I was hurt to say the least especially because I needed help !!!!!!!! It is only because of my wife that I am still a member . So the moral of the story is help those in need or at least check on them to see if they need help, Love is the key and is thr greatest of all the commandments !! I agree with not withdrawing – but so many people complain about people not leaving them alone that it often can be confusing for someone who wants to reach out but also doesn’t want to offend. It’s a bit of a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.
amateurparent wrote:Quote:Ann wrote: “If you have the energy for it, I’m curious about your experience. Have you been able to have a real conversation with anyone, or is it more an awkward standoff?”
Ann, it feels like a stand off.
I haven’t had a conversation with anyone. It feels like they are giving me space. Lots of space. So much space that it feels like a vacuum.
I had the same experience. When I withdrew a few years ago, the Bishop didn’t even call me in to talk to me. He left me alone. I was surprised because we had served on a number of councils together and I had been his home teacher before he was a Bishop. Instead, his counselor spoke to my wife and pumped her for information about me. In his conversation, he told a story about how his wife threatened divorce to him if he didn’t straighten up. Great advice (I saw that sarcastically). I’m glad she knew better than to do that with me given our dynamics in the family.
I would rather the Bishop called me in and talked to me than have him send someone to talk to my wife about my situation.
Seriously.
Old Timer wrote:
I loved the recognition that she was judging others toward whom she was mad for judging her.“We love him, because he first loved us,” is a powerful concept. It is not easy – even excruciating, in some cases, to love first and continue to love in a way that makes long-suffering a real thing, but truly striving to understand without anger, condemnation and judgment is transformative. We talk here about wanting to be accepted for who we are, and it is crucial to try to find a way to do that for others first and regardless of whether or not they ever reciprocate our acceptance.
I am working on this with my 7.5 year old daughter. I want to show her love, at the same time help guide her into making choices that will preserve her future happiness and security. Right now, those choices are easy (but hard on parents) – she falls into a meltdown over chores being assigned to her, she says she “doesn’t love me” and wishes “I wasn’t there to make her do chores”. I am learning to translate her childish “I hate you” into “I feel hate for you because you are pushing me to complete responsibilities I don’t want to/am not ready to complete”. And we go over the chores again, helping her break it down into smaller tasks, reminding her of both the positive and negative consequences involved with completing her assignment, and not infrequently getting down into the chores with her and working side by side (when this happens, we “drift” into working on my chores side by side as well). We also take 5 minutes to do something else before working on the chores again.
The older I get, the more I understand in small measure what it feels like to have that love applied in my life. How many times does He say, “Ok, let’s take a break/rest – I will give you peace.” Or “I don’t expect you to be complete in this area, why don’t we focus on this one task first…”
Different take on same theme – as mothers, we usually wind up loving our children first because they grow out of us (and this is a challenge that all new mothers face and work through on an individual basis – hormones usually help us, but not always). Could the priesthood division be given the way it is because by physically producing children, we are practicing this principle, and the true meaning behind the priesthood service is to learn this principle through loving (and serving) others?
When I shared my concerns with my SP, at first he was loving and kind. I think he felt like this was just a phase and if I kept studying my scriptures and praying those concerns would go away. I did continue doing those things but my faith continued to transition and blossom into something completely unrecognizable as “faith” to his TBM mind. When I got to this new point, he released me from my calling and told me I shouldn’t teach in church or even pray in church. I felt like I was being treated like I had a disease. Maybe it scared him that I felt so happy and confident with my new perspectives. But the message was, “You have a disease and I don’t want you to infect anyone else by teaching or praying in church.”
Now my Bishop wants to meet with me again and I’m not sure what to say to him. Keep everything to myself, even though the cat’s already out of the bag? I don’t really want another calling right now. I need time to digest how I feel about things. I am comfortable with my agnostic views. But is the church comfortable having me actively participate in a meaningful way with those perspectives? Right now it doesn’t seem like it, at least not in my stake.
DoubtingTom wrote:
Now my Bishop wants to meet with me again and I’m not sure what to say to him. Keep everything to myself, even though the cat’s already out of the bag? I don’t really want another calling right now. I need time to digest how I feel about things. I am comfortable with my agnostic views. But is the church comfortable having me actively participate in a meaningful way with those perspectives? Right now it doesn’t seem like it, at least not in my stake.
Because you’ve already come out, I would advise back pedaling. The SP has pretty much implemented restrictions akin to disfellowshipment, without the membership implications. You have exposed their true orientation toward people with valid concerns or doubts. They cannot be trusted.
To preserve your cruising range, as I call it, I would come up with a nuanced explanation of your comments to the SP, not ask for restrictions to be lifted, and let the chips fall.
There are lots of ways you can participate. YOu can do service, I don;t think anyone said you are restricted from participating in lessons, did they? If not, make some neutral comments in classes to show you haven’t gone off the deep end.
In my Ward, the last Bishop wanted me in leadership again. That’s in spite of the very unorthodox and sometimes, even negative perceptions I have about the church. Just read my posts for the last few years. So, there IS a place for us in the church, but we have to play our negative and doubtful feelings close to the vest. Focus on what still has legs for you in the church, and be supportive of those around you, without surrender….
The good news is that mediocrity, lack of commitment, and indifference is very alive and well in our church. That means that you get off doing very little in the church and still have the regular day-to-day privileges after they lift your restrictions. The fact they’ve sequestered you right now gives you even more ability to just coast in the church for a while until you regain their trust again.
Again, I want to underscore the importance of NOT sharing doubts or contrarion ideas at church. EVER. You don’t know how people will react, and with all the talks about apostasy, and the conditional nature of our church’s love for its members, you are simply painting yourself into a corner, as you have seen.
So, in my view, you have a bit of a hole to dig yourself out of. I suggest you explain exactly what you told your SP to the people here on STayLDS, and get input on how to dig your way out with your BP. This will get back to your SP. Worse case scenario, you are on the plank until your SP is released. Best case scenario,there is a slow restoration of trust so they lift your restrictionsso you don’t feel ostracized and have options, if you want them again in the church.
I have to say I’m pretty disappointed in your SP. And yoru BP may not even agree with him, but will have to tow the line. He can’t risk you going back to the SP sayhing “BP doesn’t think I deserve these restrictions”. So bear that in mind. Silly SP.
That’s my free advice and its worth every penny.
SD
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