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My apologies for the long post. DW and I talked while running some errands together today. She started reading through Deseret Book’s catalog and saw John Bytheway’s book “How Do I Know If I Know”. She said she wanted to buy the book and I told her that yes, some thing can be confusing between what we really know and what we believe (a discussion we have had before), that it might help her. She then said that it was only guilt that was keeping her going to church. That if she found out that it wasn’t true, it would relieve a huge burden on her.
OK, after she said that I’m thinking maybe she knows somewhat about my change in beliefs or my doubts and she’s wanting me to open up. I’m also thinking inside that I have to tell her, I want her to be happy and not be guilt-ridden, and that reading Bytheway’s book would probably not help her with that. As I’m thinking this she says this (somewhat paraphrasing):
“I’ve realized that the guilt I feel from church is what is causing all my other issues (referring to social anxiety and depression). I know it is the root cause of them.”
I’ve been trying to get her to work out within herself what is the root cause of her anxiety and depression issues. I have even posted on here about some of this before. Even though I suspected some of this, just her saying it totally floored me. I hadn’t expected her to actually come out and say it, especially with such certainty.
After she said this I could not keep my secret any longer.
I told her.
She didn’t think I was serious at first. I told her some of things I no longer believed, and some that I at least hope are true and said I still believe in God. She says, you don’t believe these things anymore because you started reading some of the anti-Mormon material (I have shared with her some discussions I’ve had in other online forums). I told her that many of the things I found out that trouble me are confirmed on FAIR’s website and LDS.org (including the essays) which I used for years to defend the church. I told her that there are many people that no longer believe certain things taught at church and they still stay.
She wanted to know some specifics, so I told her some things about the biggest issues for me: BoA and polygamy/polyandry (I just told her the basics). I said there is much more than this, that I haven’t wanted to tell her, that it has been eating up inside to not tell her. I went back to some of our previous conversations where we both said we would stay in the church to some degree even if we found out it wasn’t true and the time she asked me not share any of the things I had found out about the church’s history anymore.
I told her that at the time when my I felt my testimony was falling apart the most, that I had met with an Area Authority (which I have posted about on here as well). She knows him too, since he was our Bishop while we’ve been married. She said: “That’s why he seems to be so nice to you lately”.
She had no idea about any of my doubts and changes in beliefs that I had experienced. My fears about her suspecting were just that, fear. I told her that the only reason I have opened up is because I want her to be happy and if at least some of the church’s teachings are the cause of her unhappiness, I would do anything to make her happy. Her realization about what is causing her depression gave me the courage to share this with her.
At the end of our conversation I said that none of this changes my love for her and kids, that it doesn’t change how I feel about our marriage and then we hugged each other for a while. There was a great deal more that we talked about and her reaction completely surprised me. She had no anger or resentment or any other negative feelings towards me at all.
I’m just hoping that she is not going through some shock phase and after she processes things that the negative emotions will come later. Either way, there is a huge burden that I feel that has been removed from my shoulders.
That’s great! Great when spouses act with unconditional love and don’t reject their spouses over religion. My wife almost did when I grew disaffected over a botched adoption a couple decades ago. But a woman in our Ward who she respected, the Primary President, set her straight (this P president was married to a non-member). She said “love should transcend the church”. My wife has been faithful to me, so far, in spite of my deepened concerns in recent years. I hope the same works out for you…
I have to be careful just how negative I am about the church around her, though. It can be hard on her. So, I have to contain myself and my thoughts much of the time to this forum for the sake of the relationship.
I am glad the tension has eased. I hope you both can be happy as you figure out the details of your own faith. Only recently has my wife started to understand. I wish she could have tried earlier, it would have made things much easier on all of us. I’m glad you two are at least able to discuss your thoughts and feelings now – I’m sure it will help both of you. Thanks for sharing your story. I love the parts that you reconfirmed to her that you love her above other things, you want her happiness, it doesn’t change your love for you and the kids. What a great way to handle it. I think fear and guilt and depression and anxiety can be flags that something isn’t right. It doesn’t sound like the gospel of Jesus Christ, which is about love.
Perhaps finding the things in your marriage that are causing unhappiness, as you stated, is a great way to reconnecting with the gospel, and that the Lord wants you both to learn things so that your marriage and your family and your home and your individual thoughts become more peaceful and sustainable so you can grow.
Perhaps letting go of prior beliefs is dangerous, but if it is in the pursuit of love and peace and happiness…it is what the gospel is about.
Look forward with faith, and be open to what God wants you both to learn to build a happy home.
I’m so happy you’re able to be open with her now. That is great news! I’m thinking also about what she shared:
Quote:She then said that it was only guilt that was keeping her going to church. That if she found out that it wasn’t true, it would relieve a huge burden on her.
“I’ve realized that the guilt I feel from church is what is causing all my other issues (referring to social anxiety and depression). I know it is the root cause of them.”
This is exactly what I feel as well and I hope she will be able to work through it and find a healthy way to stay in the church if that’s what she wants. I agree that a huge burden would be removed from me if the church is not God’s only true church. Fear that it might be true is the only reason I continue to try to find a way to stay. Otherwise I would probably find a religion that brings hope, joy and healing to me. Maybe someday that will be the LDS church.
Thanks everyone, it is because of the great advice I’ve received here that helped me be ready for the right opportunity. I’m very lucky, not only to have been given the perfect opportunity to open up to my wife, but even more lucky to have her in my life. She is being so understanding, more than I had ever imagined. Over the weekend we talked for several hours (stayed up quite late Friday and Saturday night, as well as spent the entire afternoon together on Saturday). She is asking more questions and sincerely wants to understand and even help. I couldn’t possible share everything we talked about but wanted to give a summary of our discussions.
She started asking specifics about what I believe and what I hope and what I no longer believe. I told her I didn’t believe the BoM is historical, among other changed beliefs. I talked to her about the method of translation Joseph Smith used, his treasure-seeking, DNA and the American Indians. That I have had to redefine what a prophet is in order to still view Joseph Smith as a prophet and that I had to redefine other things in order for them to still “fit” for me. I explained further how difficult things had been for me (and still are to some degree), especially not being able to open up to her.
She thought I should talk to the Bishop and receive a blessing. I told her that I feel like I’m working through things still and that I’m doing OK, I had worked through a great deal with the Area Authority, and that I’m actually much better about things since opening up to her.
Church was much better for me yesterday, even F&T meeting. We talked after about how some people say they “know” and others would say “I have a testimony of __________”, etc. I told her that I was thinking of bearing my testimony as a way to help solidify what it is I still believe (such as in God, Christ, and the basics of the Gospel) and what I know (such as giving service makes me happy, and that living by Christ’s teachings make me a better person).
She said she was tempted to get up and bear her testimony of Joseph Smith, just for me. Her social anxiety was too great, but I could tell she sincerely wanted to help me.
I feel as though we have become closer and she has started to open up to me more about her anxiety and depression. I told her that I would not be the cause of any guilt for her, and that if I was the Bishop I would sign her temple recommend. I think I’ve shared before that she hasn’t renewed her recommend for a few years because she doesn’t feel worthy, that guilt is overwhelming her.
So far she understands that we do think differently about things (she knew I was an enginerd before she married me). I’m a technical, INTJ personality and she has a nurturing personality. None of the things I shared with her seemed to bother her, she said she just has to look past that and recognize what the church is today. I confirmed with her that I do see the church as an overall net positive for me.
Anyway, I’m still so relieved about how things have gone. Thanks again to everyone!
Haven wrote:I’m so happy you’re able to be open with her now. That is great news!
I’m thinking also about what she shared:
Quote:She then said that it was only guilt that was keeping her going to church. That if she found out that it wasn’t true, it would relieve a huge burden on her.
“I’ve realized that the guilt I feel from church is what is causing all my other issues (referring to social anxiety and depression). I know it is the root cause of them.”
This is exactly what I feel as well and I hope she will be able to work through it and find a healthy way to stay in the church if that’s what she wants. I agree that a huge burden would be removed from me if the church is not God’s only true church. Fear that it might be true is the only reason I continue to try to find a way to stay. Otherwise I would probably find a religion that brings hope, joy and healing to me. Maybe someday that will be the LDS church.
Thanks, I’m hoping she will working through it as well. She does want to stay, and I will do all I can to help her find a healthy way to stay. Opening up to her is hopefully the first step towards that.
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