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I am single which obviously is a sin in this church and im over 30. Im too old to be in a ysa ward and told that a family ward is for families. i keep getting told that i need to leave wards. this has happened alot. Im treated ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLY at church. Its bad enough that im the family shame but being alienated at church is unbearable. I have even been told by a stake president that im useless and worthless. My self worth has been desimated completely. I feel that if i want a member of this church i could actually have self esteem. We are told to be missionaries but my non member friends will never join because as they say “they treat you like crap and you are one of them..how are they going to treat me?” Im 100% not wanted in this church so why be there? I’m sorry you feel you’ve been so poorly treated at church. One thing for sure is that you are not worthless. In or out of the church, you are not worthless.
What are the top 2 or 3 things you love about the church that make you want to be accepted? What keeps you from just walking away? Do you have a testimony?
I am sorry, justme23. Like Heber said, you are not worthless or useless. I have watched several acquaintances lose heart and fall away due to the culture-based views surrounding older singles, but I have also watched others weather it out somehow and, after years and years sometimes, manage to find peace and happiness. That’s not to say it’s easy. Just to say it’s not hopeless. Are there any friends or family who are supportive and encouraging and not judgmental that you can attend church with if attending church is what you still desire? If you feel like you need a break from the church community and culture, some of us here have found excellent outlets outside of church and within the general community that have helped us build ourselves out while building up others. My advice would be to look within your community to see if there is an organization or group out there where you can go to refresh and build on your feeling of worth, which may help you weather the church-related troubles. I’m not suggesting leaving the church, of course, if your goal is to stay LDS. However, please don’t allow anyone to lead you to question your own self worth.
I’m sorry to hear you have had some bad experiences. I’m not one who actually believes the church is perfect, but I do agree that the people aren’t either – and some are far from perfect. I will echo what the other two have said – no one is worthless. I was 29 when I married, I do recognize the (incorrect/misguided) stigma that goes with being “older” and not married. I can also say that if you moved to my ward you would be welcome and needed, so come on over! And I can say that this forum is a good place to come and express your feelings and find support. Well, justme23, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Although the ward I tend is very welcoming to all single adults, the church too often pushes temple marriage. I used to be absolutely obsessed with temple marriage. Now I’m not. It’ll happen when the Lord wants it to happen with me. justme23 said: Quote:I have even been told by a stake president that im useless and worthless. My self worth has been desimated completely.
I’m sorry for your pain. It is difficult to believe that anyone could be this insensitive, much less a stake president.
If you can’t find what you need & deserve from members of the lds church, try something else.
You deserve better.
Culturally and organizationally, we too often treat single adults like children. It’s one of the worst things about our church, and it would be SO easy to change if everyone simply understood that we do it. Welcome. I hope we can help in some way.
I’d like to know the circumstances under which you were asked to leave wards, and the nature of the conversation that led the SP to tell you you were worthless. They sound like very harsh statements, so understanding the context I think would really help with diagnosing the problem and generating possible solutions. I love the gospel. i have a testimony. I know that its the people who sometimes are cruel. I have been called a lesbian many many times. Im fine with not being married. I dont have friends i dont have a family who sees me as anything other than an embarassment. i dont have a job where i am treated well either. This church or my ward is the only support system that i have and the words and attitudes of people are so destructive. My stake president now doesnt want me in his stake either. He told me straight out. Maybe its because i live in the idaho/utah area that attitudes are so horrible. When ive traveled to places outside of mormonville im accepted regardless of my “life” circumstances. I just dont want to be having panic attacks on my way to church. Its not a safe place for me. Why cant every sunday be general conference? That would be fabulous! Ive been asked to leave ysa wards because im over 30. Ive been asked to leave family wards because they felt that a single girl should not be in a family ward and they dont have the means to support me. At one time I wanted to go through the temple and in trying to do that, thats when my sp told me no and its a waste for a girl to go through the temple. The sp after him felt the same way. So i gave up. Now i have no desire.
The Church’s official position is that single adults over 30 are to attend regular family wards. Also, the High Priests Group has explicit stewardship for single adults – of all ages. I have never heard of a single adult being told not to attend a regular ward. If you are being told not to do that, your leaders are wrong – flat-out wrong. That is serious enough that I recommend writing a letter to your favorite apostle and asking for help. Even if it is returned to your local leadership, it will be done with explicit instruction to make sure you are welcome in your regular ward. I agree with Ray about writing a letter to your favorite apostle for the very reason he states – even if it’s sent back to the stake (as almost all are) it’s not a matte of just sending it back, it does come with instructions. My other advice, and please understand that this is coming from my concern for you as an individual, is for you to consider seeing a counselor. You mention that you have other factors in your life besides your church experiences which contribute to your feelings. A counselor can help.
I have several older SA and church life can be difficult for them so I can see where you’re coming from. No person has the right to tell you can’t go through the temple if you want to. There seems to be some sort of inner code that bishops follow when it comes to single ladies who want to go through. I had a friend who was in her late 20’s who wanted to go through but kept getting told no because she wasn’t serving a mission or getting married. She finally did convince one bishop to let her go through but neither of us understood why some bishops wouldn’t let her. As far as your home ward goes they can’t tell you to get out (well they can you can just choose to ignore them) and they have no right to. Unfortunately some leaders are idiots and can’t see past a wedding ring to help those SA in their ward. I agree with the advice to write a general authority it could only help.
justme23 wrote:This church or my ward is the only support system that i have and the words and attitudes of people are so destructive.
Again, I’m sorry you feel this way, justme23. However, I’m going to be direct with you, and I do this sincerely out of love and caring for wanting to understand you and help you. You are welcome in our community here, and part of it is support for each other. And so, my direct response to you is done sincerely in ways to make you think about your situation, because only you can help your situation. I hope it comes across right. If not, please ask me for clarification or correct me, and do not think I am attacking you or telling you that you are not welcome in our community here…OK?One thing we learn in life is that you cannot change others, or expect others to treat you how you want all the time. The thing you CAN control are your feelings, your actions, your thoughts, and your love. In or out of the church, you can find peace. But there is a way to StayLDS and learn from being part of the ward and stake. Others here on this board are doing it. Read their stories and ask them how they do it. Learn new ideas to try to cope.
The Golden Rule applies. When others have not been nice to me, I kill them with kindness, and show them how I want to be treated, or I don’t care what they think, I show them I want to serve God and have love and peace in my heart, regardless of how I’m treated. How can they not want me around if I’m the first one to volunteer to clean the temple, or sub for a primary class, or drive youth to a campout…there are lots of areas to serve in the church, and there are needs the ward has. When you can add to the ward, others overlook your weaknesses with your charitable actions.
I don’t know your situations and why you feel everyone is telling you to leave and they are all horrible. I do not believe that is the experience of every single person over 30. I have lived in Utah, have family in Idaho, and the church just isn’t horrible and awful and abusive. It just isn’t for everyone. There are times it is bad, it has flaws, so I will not dismiss your feelings as wrong…but I think there is more to your story that you can learn from, if you open yourself to learning.
Sometimes these are the tests we must learn from, rise to the challenge. Have you asked your Stake President what you could do to be welcome in the stake, without being defensive? Did you listen to his response, and say “Thank you. Can you help me do that”? Have you tried to fit in and provide service and love?
Again, the secret to happiness in life is accepting you are full of worth, you are one of a kind and special, and how you choose to act impacts a lot of how others treat you. Also, develop a testimony of the Atonement…because that act has enough power to make all the injustice in your life OK. Turn it over to the Lord and become the person the Lord wants you to become, despite the choices of others for which you have no control over.
This forum is to provide support and learn ways to StayLDS. While your experience is painful…I truly believe there is a way for you to find your place in your ward and stake. Do you want to try? There will be times others are not nice to you, but if you look, you will find times they are very nice to you. You have a choice. And that needs to be more than just come to our forum and complain about the awful things that have been said to you. This forum is about sharing that stuff openly…as we search for solutions. Out of love…I sincerely want you to find solutions. Have you thought of any possible ones?
I hope you stay part of our community, respond and answer my questions, and tell us how your story plays out. God bless you.
justme23 wrote:Ive been asked to leave ysa wards because im over 30.
It’s funny; I’m 38 and the most welcomed I’ve ever felt in a ward was when I visited a YSA ward for a friend’s mission farewell talk last month. Everybody was telling me to come back any time I was in the neighborhood and not to worry about the “young” bit. The bishop told me later that it’s not like he checks ID and they never mind having a bit more on the head count.
Quote:Ive been asked to leave family wards because they felt that a single girl should not be in a family ward and they dont have the means to support me.
IMO, it’s not lack of means, it’s lack of the desire to understand.
At first in my regular ward, I thought it was me, but then I realized that all the other single adults had the 2-3 seat buffer zone around them too. Like everybody else thinks divorce is contagious. Unfortunately, just about the time the last two reasonably active ones went inactive, I got called as the ward SA rep, which might as well be ward alien encounter specialist for all the effect I’m able to have. 90+ singles on the list, and 88 of them blocked my number as soon as they found out I was the SA rep, so I can’t even call them to try to plan an activity. The other two are me and a woman who doesn’t have caller ID so she can’t block the number. She’s polite about it, but I’m pretty sure I’d have better luck trying to talk to a fencepost.
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