- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I was in marriage counseling with my wife a year or more ago. I shared something my wife did that really hurt me early in our marriage, and the therapist looked at my wife and said “Do you apologize? Some people don’t”. This was a revelation for me because my wife doesn’t tend to apologize, and apologies mean a lot to me. I noticed that a person I worked with in the community also didn’t apologize. I wrote to her once about something she did that really hurt me and she responded with a one liner fact, not at all acknowledging that what she did was perhaps insensitive. In fact, later, I reached out to her to repair the relationship, and she called my statement of hurt a “nasty note”.
To me, apologies mean a lot. And I tend to apologize profusely and regularly.
Do you apologize? If not, why not? If so, why? Are apologies from others important to you when they hurt you?In general, no, with an exception. In the past, having a more agreeable personality, I was pretty generous with apologies. Within the past few years though, I’ve adopted a rule of not apologizing unless I have genuinely done something wrong. If someone has taken what what I’ve said or done the wrong way or is unhappy/offended for some reason, but I honestly feel I haven’t wronged anyone, I don’t offer an apology to simply please someone.
The exception to that is people I truly care about. For those whose relationships I value (my wife for example), I am more considerate of their feelings.
As for how I feel about receiving apologies, it depends on the reason for it. If someone truly means it, of course I appreciate it. If someone is doing it for less than caring reasons, then it’s almost worse than if they didn’t.
I once had a guy come out of the blue and message me on Facebook, apologizing for something years prior. I politely responded in kind and never heard back from him. I got the sense that he was doing a personal apology tour, cleansing his conscience and not actually caring about the recipients of his apologies. That bothered me more than the thing he apologized for.
I agree that apologizing can be more or less appropriate depending upon the relationship and other factors. I like to think that I apologize frequently to those that are closest to me to both build the relationship and demonstrate behavior that I would like to see emulated.
DW has pointed out to me that I sometimes start with an apology and then turn it into a justification of my actions. As in, “I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sure if you take the time to understand my perspective you will agree that my action seemed appropriate at the time.” I have had to curb this impulse and leave the apology to stand on its own.
Interesting perspectives. I just finished reading a book called “Feeling Good Together” by David Burns. He commented that apologizing shouldn’t be a way of ending a conversation when someone is unhappy with you. I think I have expected this outcome to happen when I have apologized in the past. Often the person continues berating me after I apologize, and this only disturbs me. I realize that an apology can be important, but it can’t curb the other person’s “rant” or expression of their displeasure. It’s easy to think, as the angry person, that the person apologizing hasn’t yet heard what you feel and empathized. So, I think there is definitely a place for apologizing, but it’s after the person has said their peace, feels understood, and is ready to move on to more productive pastures. At this point, and apology can be meaningful, but not before.
While I think apologies have some value, I have also experienced situations where apologies aren’t received with grace. I suppose there could be multiple reasons for that, including that the person or group just aren’t used to getting apologies and don’t know how to handle them. And sometimes an apology isn’t enough. And, sometimes the person apologizing isn’t the person responsible – I see little value in apologizing for someone else except in certain limited circumstances. And apologies which aren’t sincere and/or demonstrate no remorse are also worthless IMO. Have you ever tried to apologize in writing? The few times I’ve done it, it worked out well. I usually included whether I would like to hear from them again or not.
I do it in writing because I need to get it off my chest. In most cases like this, I don’t
want them to reply.
I believe it is important. Regularly, when appropriate
I did it when our kids were in the home partly to set an example.
SilentDawning wrote:
I was in marriage counseling with my wife a year or more ago. I shared something my wife did that really hurt me early in our marriage, and he looked at my wife and said “Do you apologize? Some people don’t”.This was a revelation for me because my wife doesn’t tend to apologize, and apologies mean a lot to me. I noticed that a person I worked with in the community also didn’t apologize. I wrote to her once about something she did that really hurt me and she responded with a one liner fact, not at all acknowledging that what she did was perhaps insensitive. In fact, later, I reached out to her to repair the relationship, and she called my statement of hurt a “nasty note”.
To me, apologies mean a lot. And I tend to apologize profusely and regularly.
Do you apologize? If not, why not? If so, why? Are apologies from others important to you when they hurt you?
For the record I apologize whenever I am given an opportunity. It does not matter if I am at fault or if the mistake was someone else’s. I have not always been so willing. However, whenever I have taken the time to pray and ask for guidance in disagreements or whatever, where someone has decided to be emotionally stricken – I have always been impressed to apologize. I have also observed that when I apologize things are more likely to turn for the better. I am convinced that when things do not turn for the better that there is nothing that I could have done in addition to make a difference.
I only regret that it took me so long to learn this lesson and if I can pass on any “wisdom” concerning this matter – I seriously wonder why apologizing is made out to be so difficult. If anyone is in any way dissatisfied with my posting – I apologize and ask for your forgiveness.
I apologize if this post isn’t full of inspiration… 
Anyway, one reason people don’t apologize has to do with liability. For example, in an at-fault state for car insurance, if you admit fault then it becomes an at-fault accident on your record and money is involved. Legal liability also can follow. So that is one reason why people don’t apologize for things in business settings. I also think our highest leaders have a hard time apologizing for things because to do so might weaken members’ faith in their inspired, larger-than-life leadership. Rarely have I heard church leaders apologize:
1. Uchdorft indicated that past leaders have made mistakes in a past Conference talk.
2. Dallin H. Oakes, in a PBS documentary admitted that “members of our church” were involved in the Mountain Meadows Massacre, and that his heart went out to the families and that the Lord would forgive the people involved. He stopped short of a church apology though. In my view, official church leaders had to be involved — or at least someone in a leadership capacity because you don’t get so many moral people to murder so many people without a belief in inspired leadership involved.
SilentDawning wrote:
In my view, official church leaders had to be involved — or at least someone in a leadership capacity because you don’t get so many moral people to murder so many people without a belief in inspired leadership involved.
Not all of our “pioneer ancestors” were as noble as they’re sometimes made out to be. The persecution complex in its present form does not compare to theirs.
Wasn’t it Oaks who also said something to the effect that the church doesn’t apologize? I agree with what you said as to why. I also kept track of the Pope’s trip to Canada and his apologies to the native peoples. While not well received as a whole (some apparently want more or think an apology is not enough) at the same time it did gain him and the Catholic Church some mileage and it was accepted by some. I wonder if our church leaders took anything away from that?
The best apology is changed behavior. Without that, it is just meaningless words. (I am not demeaning verbal apologies by saying that. I just am making an important point.)
I apologize when: a) I have not lived up to my values and I know it (required).
b) I am sorry about choices in that area (required).
c) I have a plan I have started implementing on how to change those choices.
d) I am building bridges of connection with an individual.
Points A and B are required, Points C and D are optional.
DarkJedi wrote:
Wasn’t it Oaks who also said something to the effect that the church doesn’t apologize?I agree with what you said as to why. I also kept track of the Pope’s trip to Canada and his apologies to the native peoples. While not well received as a whole (some apparently want more or think an apology is not enough) at the same time it did gain him and the Catholic Church some mileage and it was accepted by some. I wonder if our church leaders took anything away from that?
This gets to the heart of why I’m not fully active anymore. I really did believe the church line with all my heart. When I was a missionary, I believed I could baptize 200 people in one swoop just like at the Waters of Mormon in the Book of Mormon. When Church leaders behaved more temporally and didn’t have the same can-do, miracle-expecting vision (associated with my getting on a mission in the face of financial obstacles), it hurt my testimony. When they didn’t apologize fully when they made mistakes in an adoption they fumbled, it hurt my testimony.
I personally believe that if the church claims to have a divine commission, it should behave, as an organization, the same way the Savior, or a very righteous person would. And righteous people do make amends and apologize for mistakes. They don’t proceed with an arrogant “We don’t apologize” approach.
Interesting, a friend of mine interviewed for a management position with the temporal church, and turned it down due to money. But I made the comment to him that it’s not good to mix the temporal with the spiritual in church matters. I stopped short of quoting one person I met on my mission who said “If you do business with the church, keep one hand on your testimony and the other hand on your wallet”. That sounds harsh so I hope I don’t get moderated
But back to apologizing, is it unreasonable to expect the church to be as apologetic and repentant as a righteous person would given its larger than life truth claims and proclaimed divine commission?
A part of me sees it as an issue of leading by example. 1 Peter 2:21 – For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
1 Corinthians 11:1 – Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.
Titus 2:7 – In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
John 13:15 – For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.
Maybe someone could interpret this very literally and say that Jesus never apologized or had a need to repent.
The church ain’t Jesus. If the organization makes a mistake they should own up to it, make amends, and change. Show the way to live through example.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.