On Being Charitable — a Personal Conundrum

[Anonymous]

I have a conundrum I’m facing today.

I have a relative (my wife’s sister) who booked themself on a three week vacation to our home without our consent (we consented to a week) along with their young children, which coincided with my holidays. It turned into a bit of a nightmare, with clashes between my son and their two very young girls who tormented him. My son was also a problem in the mix. The problem was lack of things to do. The kids got bored cooped up in the house. I was working on an industry certification over my holidays, and getting more and more irritated with the fighting every day as the study required concentration. I found this relative didn’t really do much to mitigate the situation. She simply sat there watching movies all day, and then, grew highly critical of our parenting since our approach is different than hers, which disturbed me greatly as I am generally considered a pretty good, well-read parent, asked to give workshops on that subject after Sacrament talks etcetera.

This relative had no money, and borrowed from us to do basic things, but did pay us back when she said she would. We mutually decided I would pay to put my relatives up in a hotel for a couple days at the end of their stay This brought us much needed peace, but shows how bad the situation had become, notwithstanding the fact as adults we still were getting along OK, although it was starting to take self-discipline to be nice.

I have to say, I sort of resented this situation since we were not consulted, and had agreed to only a week. I tried to change her plan tickets to go home early at my expense (after she said she was drained from her stay and the boredom and fighting of the kids and wanted to go home) but it was far too costly.

Anyway, finally, she went back home, and we were all totally relieved. During her stay here, we learned that her and her husband were in a typical financial position. They had spent well beyond their means in their lives so far for not-well-thought-out purchases. Have creditors hounding them for repayment, all sources of credit at their limits, with only one, low income in the family. They don’t budget, and there were unusual shopping sprees while she was here that caused us to wonder if they truly understand living within their means. They run two newer cars, and they are a part-member family; the husband is a non-member and antagonistic to the Church. They already have large debts with my father and mother in-law that are not being paid, and their income is very minimal.

My wife received a phone call today from this relative asking us for a sizeable amount of money to keep her “husband out of court”. Her family has done this multiple times in my lifetime for less dire-sounding events, but this is the first time from this particular relative. My wife did the right thing and said my relative would have to talk to me about it.

I will listen and find out how serious the situation is. I am not a wealthy man, although I have given generously to the Church in terms of fast offerings and tithing for the majority of my Church existence, and so far, have always been self-reliant by changing my circumstances to match my revenues. Now, I feel this need to build reserves given health problems, looming unemployment, likely loss of health benefits, a diabetic son, and our desire to clear off some small debts of our own which has been a highly focused goal in our marriage lately.

My gut, initital inclination is to say “No” if the court thing is not serious. I eventually had to do this with two of my wife’s other brothers and sisters who have come to use multiple times for money in the past. In both situations, neither of them could satisfy us they were keeping a budget, saving, etcetera when I eventually pressed for details about how they got themselves into their situation. Both times they said we didn’t have to lend if we didn’t want to after I asked my pointed questions about how they got into their situation. I think they were a bit ashamed or pride took over.

Somehow, they managed to get themselves out of their situations without our help, and we are still friends.

I’m curious about your perspective on this. If it was a Church thing, there would be a needs analysis, counseling on budgeting, and some kind of non-professional but worthwhile financial counsel. There would be value built in their skills. But as a family member, it’s a bit different. I doubt very much they will submit to any counseling, and my brother-in-law is a rather sour, proud, uncommunicative and rough type with whom it’s very hard to carry on a conversation. I teach budgeting, by the way, and have designed entire courses and workshops for large groups of people multiple times.

One one hand I want to be charitable, avoid the pitfalls in the Book of Mormon about not sharing your substance, while at the same time feeling good about my ultimate decision. I want to handle this with the kind of character I can be proud of.

Ultimately, I’m the one to decide, but I’d appreciate your comments on this, as it’s entwined with being a charitable person, among other things.

[Anonymous]

one could be so charitable as to die naked and starving in the street. People need to firstly take care of themselves and consider donating the surplus. Dont let yourself be taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Don’t give it to them. They won’t learn, and it won’t stop.

I also would need to know a little more about the issue of “keeping him out of court”. If it’s bankruptcy court or civil court to repay a debt, he needs to face the consequences of his actions – especially if he shows no signs of remorse about it and just keeps racking up more debts and spending unwisely.

That’s my simple answer. From what I know, it’s appears to be pretty cut and dried to me.

Having said that, I might offer (if possible) to give help directly to the kids for basic necessities – perhaps with money funneled through an agency that will provide financial counseling. I certainly don’t think you have ANY “obligation” to continue to support a wasteful lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

You echoed my thoughts almost exactly.

I like the idea of offering to give them a fishing rod through some kind of professional financial counseling. THAT would make the money invested worthwhile.

I also plan to do what I did with my other in-laws — listen, and then ask them pointed questions about how they got to this point. And then, share some “secrets of self-reliance” that we have lived over our lives…

a) go down to one car

b) wife gets a job

c) rent out part of the house

d) keep to a budget

e) sell the house and get something smaller

f) only use credit cards for convenience and pay them off every month.

Back when I was HPGL, I found these conversations normally went nowhere with families who came to us for assistance, however. We would suggest all the reasonable things, and the people simply were not willing to make the change in their lifestyle most of the time.

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