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In the end, it just doesn’t matter: The Book of Mormon Anachronisms and Archeological Incongruities, dark LDS Church History, doubtful sources for the Bible, fallible leaders . . . All of it! My pride- and ego-driven need to be right and know the ‘Truth’, to be more wise and better educated than my poor, mythology-bound fellow LDS Church members is just so much vapor!
I’ve been to the edge, to the precipice without hope and faith. It’s ugly. It’s dark. It’s hopeless. It’s weak. None of my intellectual ‘wisdom’ helped there.
A good friend who was aware of my struggle once told me: “Be skeptical of your skepticism!” Wise advice. In the end, my skepticism has only hurt myself and my family.
I have decided to believe.
No, I am not going back to the place where I was pre-faith crisis. I can never again embrace all things Mormon in the way I did before, but I have just decided to belief in a few basic things, for now:
– In God
– In a marvelous creation and a plan that is bigger than me
– In Hope for a better existence in a future life
– That spirits exist and I will see my family and loved again
– In a Savior
– In eventual justice . . . . And mercy.
I am not readopting the tapestry of mythology that exists in the church. I will however recognize that for many people that tapestry is useful. It works for them. And that is enough.
I am not going back to the guilt-driven method of living. It is too costly and unproductive. I will not buy back into institutional codependence. I do not have to fix others. That is their job. I will choose to do good, because it is what I desire.
I choose now to be more tolerant of others’ beliefs, even when someone says something completely illogical and uneducated in Gospel Doctrine Class or in Testimony meeting. If that works for them, it is enough.
I choose to be more tolerant of people in all walks of life, to recognize spirituality in many of those walks and to value all of the relationships I have in my life.
I do not have to agree with everything the institution does, in fact, I have serious issues still with many things, but I will value the good things that the institution brings to me. I will value the people in my life and the friendship in ward members. I will be kind.
I may still decide to make some thought-provoking comments during classroom discussions, but I also recognize the alienation that comes with saying things that are biting or too controversial. These people are not ready for many of my thoughts. Sharing them will only hurt me, and won’t change anyone else’s views.
I will choose my beliefs carefully. The beliefs must be sustaining, and bring an overall good and wellness to me and those around me. I do not however have to prove that they are true to believe them.
“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.” – (Alma 32:27)
What if my beliefs are not true? I will hope that they are, but even if they aren’t . . . even if all they do is give me something to hang on to in this life, something that gets me through tough times with better thoughts, that will be enough! Living without Hope . . . Well, I will just make the understatement that cuddling up to my intellectual arguments has not proven comforting.
“And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety.” – Job 11:18
I choose Hope.
Silentstruggle, it is obvious you have put alot of thought into your present beliefs. I like what you said:
Quote:No, I am not going back to the place where I was pre-faith crisis. I can never again embrace all things Mormon in the way I did before, but I have just decided to belief in a few basic things, for now:
– In God
– In a marvelous creation and a plan that is bigger than me
– In Hope for a better existence in a future life
– That spirits exist and I will see my family and loved again
– In a Savior
– In eventual justice . . . . And mercy.
The reality for any of us who has gone through a “faith crisis”, we are never the same, we can never go back. It’s like trying to get your virginity back.
I feel like I’m in the same place as you. I have to get back to my core beliefs & build from there.
Mike from Milton.
Thanks for sharing. I think I can really understand where you’re coming from. I’ve looked over the edge myself and didn’t like what I saw there, and so I choose to believe certain things. I know your post is about faith and belief, generally, and not necessarily about
church, but I want to know why you have decided to maintain church activity, as that’s what I seem to continue struggling with. For me, meaning seems to come down to a few simple things, such as the things you put in your list. But that leaves the field pretty wide open. I think I could pursue those goodly things from within any of a number of faith traditions, or, frankly, from within none at all. And because of my personality and personal preferences, i.e. what make me comfortable, continuing in the lds faith tradition is a lot like self-flagellation. Not that self-flagellation is necessarily a bad thing … I don’t know. So why stay LDS? Why not go somewhere else? Is it because it is what you are familiar with, because of traditional family ties and heritage, because of your spouse/children/family, or because it’s really the one place where you think you can draw nearest to god? You know, I am choosing activity for several reasons; the primary one being to provide stability for my teenage daughter. But I also love my ward and have a great many friends here. I also feel culturally Mormon in many ways still. I am not completely sure I will always be active, but I am choosing to be active now. I think that everyone has to answer all of this for themselves.
silentstruggle wrote:I think that everyone has to answer all of this for themselves.
Of course. It has been discussed here often enough, and is the thread that ties all of our discussions together. I appreciate hearing the bottom line, though, from someone who has recently been sorting through the bigger questions in a personal way. Thanks again for sharing.Mike, I had never thought of the virginity analogy. That is perfect!! Doug, you’re welcome. I actually just wrote this up for me, as sort of a personal spiritual journal entry. I find it very therapeutic to put my thoughts in writing, and, as I’m getting older, the written word provides a handy storage mechanism.
And I understand the self-flagellation issue; having been doing that for a number of years how. I no longer feel bound by guilt to attend everything. I frequently skip Gospel Doctrine Class. Sometimes an empty, quiet chapel is the most spiritual meeting in the block.
I do find the idea of allowing that someone can believe something nutty or illogical or wrong and it’s okay. It’s a tool I hope to use to help me through the meetings.
This whole line of thinking is NOT where I expected to end up. It seems to be giving me a measure of peace however.
I to have crossed the bridge. There is no going back eve if I wanted to. But I must also admit that life is much richer and fulfilling now. And above all less stressful. If you can do as you say, see the good in the institution and the people then I think it is feasible to participate and enjoy it. This is beautiful, ss. Thanks for sharing it with us. At the most basic level, I too simply have chosen to believe – but it’s meaningful to me because it was a conscious choice.
Thanks Ray. I think the conscious choice thing is really central. It HAS to come from within.
I have recently made great inroads against a swearing habit. I didn’t try to conquer it because of guilt, or a sense of what I was supposed to do. I finally just wanted to do it. Myself. Conscious choice. And it has been relatively easy.
One thing I know is that I no longer have the energy for bitterness, resentment and anger. It sucks the life out of me and does nothing positive for anyone. I need my energy for the most important things.
That was an awesome faith manifesto SilentStruggle! I think one can find a lot of power in the conscious, “eyes wide open,” use of faith and religious narrative. The religious experience is natural to us as human beings. We evolved and developed this way for a purpose. I’m never quite convinced we’ve suddenly shifted from than need in the past couple centuries, not after millions of years in the making.
Abandon dysfunctional religious elements that detract from our spiritual enlightenment? A hearty AMEN to that! But to throw it all out? I am skeptical. I am skeptical of my doubts, as well as my beliefs.
I feel really happy for you SS.
Thanks Brian. It has been hard won. But it is a better place to be.
I’m sure I’ll slip a bit, but so far, so good.
It’s so hard walking down that dark tunnel, but a lot of people really feel like it was worth it when they get to the other end, into the light (wherever that is for them). They feel like their faith (whatever that is) and their appreciation for life is much richer having gone through it all. Once things settle down, I think it really does get a lot better.
silentstruggle wrote:I choose Hope.
SS, I really appreciated reading this, and the thread with responses. Great stuff
:thumbup: So, my question to you is…you have chosen to stay for good reasons, and you realize you can’t go back to looking at it the same way you used to…do you think it changes your behavior or your actions when staying involved? Or all this “thinking” – is it only internal to you…will others see or not see any difference in you from anyone else in the congregation?
Good questions. I’m not sure how much differently it will outwardly manifest itself. My bishop is aware of my struggles and some of my views. I don’t bear my testimony, because I don’t feel honest in saying ‘I know’, but that’s been that way for years. I fulfill some minor callings. I home teach and have some wonderful friendships through that. I have turned some bigger callings down for various reasons. First, I am a caregiver in a health situation at home, which is invisible to most of the world, but I have finally gotten comfortable in standing up to the ‘pressure’ or ‘perceived pressure’. I just know I can’t give the care I need to give and be there for a 10 hour a week calling. I also recently turned down a Gospel Doctrine calling for reasons more related to where my testimony is. I was very frank with the bishop’s counselor, and got an extremely understanding response, surprisingly. I just didn’t feel I could bear testimony of what I would be called to bear testimony on as a Gospel Doctrine Teacher. It’s a bit uncomfortable when I’m called on to give priesthood blessings. Outwardly, I appear very mainstream, although I don’t always wear white shirts on Sunday. So, I really don’t think that people in my ward are going to view me any differently.
Testimony is such a difficult thing. Saying “I know” , man, can I relate to that. I’ve learned to bear testimony of something I do know and that is I truly believe that keeping “the commandments” leads to a happier life. That’s what my testimony has consisted of lately. Thanks for sharing this. Really enjoyed hearing where you are at.
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