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I just posted this on my blog, but I thought it would be very applicable here. So I thought I’d share.
My relationship to Mormonism is like my marriage.
When I first married my husband, I thought he was one way. Handsome, funny, vibrant, talented, charismatic, intelligent.
And he is all of those things — and much, much more.
But the more I got to know him, the more I became acquainted with his faults. His inflexibility, his quickness to anger, his tendency to withdraw emotionally even when I need him.
It was a terrifying discovery.
Because as a young woman, idealistic and naive, I believed that love makes everything better — and that “better” means smoother, simpler, without stress or strain.
What, then, to do when I discovered that it was harder than I thought it would be? That along with the intimacy and joy, I’d be fighting through pain, frustration, anxiety, even heartache?
If it’s really right, shouldn’t it be easier than this?The answer, it turns out, is NO.
You see, as I wade through the thick and thin of day-to-day living with this person I know so well, I begin to catch a glimpse of what I must look like through his eyes — and discover that for every complaint I have about him, surely he’s got one for me: I’m selfish, sloppy, stubborn, thoughtless, and profoundly unkind.
I begin to recognize how desperately I need his forgiveness and compassion if he’s going to put up with me a moment longer. And that, in return, I simply must extend the same to him. After all,
Idon’t have the moral high ground. And in that moment, he stops being an idealized version of what it all “should” look like, and becomes a real person — an often-brilliant, sometimes-bumbling, living, breathing human being with God’s craftsmanship shining out of him…a man whom I love much deeper now than before I made that discovery.
The Church is the same way.
It’s a mixed bag of goodness and badness, giving and taking, serving and abusing, freedom and control, truth and error. Just like anyone.
Just like me.But there is something noble about loyalty.
There is something — dare I say it? — Christlike about seeing a group of people for what they are…warts, scales, sins, and all…
and choosing them anyway.So I choose the Church because I love the Church. The way I love my husband. The way I want to be loved.
And that’s what being Mormon means to me.
Beautiful, I love it, thanks so much for sharing. Katie, this is wonderful. I love the way you worded this. Thanks. It reminds me of the talk given by Wendy Ulrich at one of the FAIR conferences.
You can find that at this website:
http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2005_Faith_Cognitive_Dissonance_and_the_Psychology_of_Religious_Experience.html ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2005_Faith_Cognitive_Dissonance_and_the_Psychology_of_Religious_Experience.html I particularly like the part where she talks about the 4 stages. It seems you have gone through similar stages with your marriage and see the similarities with your faith.
I also agree there is something about loyalty, and that while divorce is sometimes the only solution, sometimes we endure the bad times and find the happy times again without having to go through so much disruption of family lives (kids, etc).
I feel that way at church many times now. I’m enduring, but am working towards renewal, in a more mature and deeper love than before.
Fabulous, Katie. Will you provide a link for your own blog, so I can link to it at some point in the future on mine? (I do links to amazing posts each Tuesday and Thursday.)
Of course, Ray. Katie – LOVE it! Katie, I loved your analogy between marriage and being Mormon. The parameters brought value to the same. I would like to suggest one additional metaphor. If a marriage can eventually fail, can one’s relationship to the church also fail? To me absolutely, it happened in my own life. In both cases I felt betrayed. What’s interesting is recently, as a “conditional” relationship has returned with my ex, I have also found myself identifying as a “cultural Mormon.” Will I ever feel the same way about my marriage? No. Will I ever feel the same way about the LDS church? No. I have decided though that neither is an enemy. Rather, I am (or wish to be) a friend to both. The key is having both sides reach out in unity to some degree. I can be a cafeteria Mormon. My bishop seems fine with it. I can provide airport travel to my ex, it’s appreciated. Life is short, we learn much through our experiences. Hopefully the changed path is one of love & acceptance.
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