On My Decision to Go Inactive (Long Version)

[Anonymous]

Well, after months and months of agonizing I have finally decided to drastically cut back my participation in the Church. This has been one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life. I’d like to write a little bit about the process, not because I feel I need to justify my decision to anyone, but because in setting it down in words it makes a complex and difficult process more transparent and easier for me to accept.

I grew up in a small town in northern Utah that was founded by Mormon settlers sent north by Brigham Young. In this town, the Church is everything. Every person in the town is some form of Mormon — active Mormons, inactive Mormons, Jack Mormons, etc. I write these things to point out the fact that my upbringing was inundated with Utah Mormon culture and a very rigid and legalistic form of Mormon doctrine (including McConkie doctrine, Kimball doctrine, and Packer doctrine).

Around the seventh grade, along with becoming a deacon, I also began to feel intense feelings of attraction to other boys. I’m no idiot. My ears were open all the years before that realization to how homosexuals and homosexuality were discussed by my people. I was horrified. Although I was a bit of a loner before this, and knew that I wasn’t “popular”, this process of realization started me down the road of intense self-hatred, self-loathing, and inferiority. I was one of the best kids, a good guy. And yet I was getting unmistakable messages from my culture and from the priesthood brethren whom I was taught to trust and obey — I was a pervert. A crime against nature. There might be forgiveness for me — after my knuckles were bloody from knocking, and my head bruised from beating it against the door of redemption. I knew that there was nothing in my life to suggest that I had chosen these attractions. Additionally, my parents never abused me in any way, and neither did anyone else. But my homosexual attractions and pubescent masturbation were abominable sins, sins next to murder

I poured myself into my schoolwork, and into artistic endeavors. Instrumental music was a salvation for me. I worked hard to play my instruments well, to be a good leader, and to prepare myself for college. Each time that I was ordained to a new priesthood office, I struggled with the tension between the knowledge that I was a good person and my participation in what I thought were horrific sins. I did not dare tell anyone. I avoided going to church because I didn’t want to be asked to participate in the sacrament, and feel guilty because of my sins.

Some of my closest friends in band class were members of the Seminary Council. They convinced me to give seminary a try. That year I read the book of Mormon from cover to cover twice. The doctrines of the restoration sank deep into my heart, and I felt the truth of those words. I knew that in spite of my unorthodox relationship with the church, I wanted to serve a mission, get married and have children, and live an Orthodox life in the church. I was led to believe that if I were to become ultra-righteous, God would “heal” me of my terrible affliction, and I would be able to have a “normal” Mormon life.

After my mission I began reparative therapy in downtown Salt Lake City. It was about this time the Elder Faust said the following about homosexuality:

Quote:

There is some widely accepted theory extant that homosexuality is inherited. How can this be? No scientific evidence demonstrates absolutely that this is so. Besides, if it were so, it would frustrate the whole plan of mortal happiness. Our designation as men or women began before this world was. In contrast to the socially accepted doctrine that homosexuality is inborn, a number of respectable authorities contend that homosexuality is not acquired by birth. The false belief of inborn homosexual orientation denies to repentant souls the opportunity to change and will ultimately lead to discouragement, disappointment, and despair

.

It took a decade and a half of this therapy to realize that whether genetically inherited or some other way over which I have no control, I am a homosexual, and no amount of therapy could change it. I have become intimately acquainted with the “discouragement, disappointment, and despair” Elder Faust referred to.

So the current Church no longer suggests that I marry a member of the opposite sex. It also no longer suggests reparative therapy. Instead, it asks me to pursue a life alone and celibate, grateful for the small concessions and incremental charity I can receive from those who sup at the table of the fullness of blessings of the church. I recognize that it probably isn’t the intention of the brethren for me to live an unhappy life. But the conditions that the church asks me to live in are like a cage that prevents me from loving and accepting myself, from attaining emotional maturity, and from allowing happiness to flow into my life. Whether intentional or not, the suggestions and policies and doctrinal speculations accompanied by visceral disgust with homosexuality, have set up a contrived, hypothetical celibate life plan that is not at all practical. Luckily for the brethren, they don’t have to make this plan work in their lives. All I can say is that trying to make this plan work for myself over the last 20 years has brought me enormous confusion, pain, frustration, and self-loathing. I am convinced that if I had been emotionally healthy over the past two decades, I would not be dealing with the level of anxiety, depression, obesity, and neuromuscular pain I currently experience. I don’t want to blame my current circumstances on the church, because I have the agency to treat my anxiety and depression, to eat better and get exercise, and to build a viable social life for myself. Back in the 1990s, I used to hear people arguing that reparative therapy was dangerous and damaging to clients, and I thought to myself “yeah, right”. I know now the awful of the kind of damage it can cause.

So, where does this leave me? I believe in a personal, anthropomorphic God who is my father, and I believe that he created this Earth and gave me a life in order to find growth and happiness. I believe in the concept of sin — and that there are thoughts, words, and deeds that are inherently wrong/immoral. I believe in the purity and perfection of God’s presence, and the necessity to cleanse ourselves to enter his presence. I believe in the necessity of atonement, and I believe that Jesus Christ atoned for the sins and suffering of all mankind. I believe in the Holy Ghost, and his role in testifying of truth to us, as well as his role and purifying us.

I believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet. I am somewhat agnostic on the details of what that means, because it is clear that the “truth” of the process of the restoration is much more complicated than the simple narrative taught by the church. I am okay with that. With the exception of a couple of offending passages, I love the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. I believe in priesthood ordinances as a vehicle for making covenants with God, though I tend to believe that the form of these ordinances has changed over time and that priesthood might be less restrictive than what I was taught in church.

I love the word of wisdom, though in the past couple of years I’ve dropped my judgmental attitudes toward people who choose to use tobacco, alcohol, and tea. I love the Law of Chastity, and the concept of keeping sexual intimacy within the bonds of committed relationships makes enormous sense to me. I am also much less judgmental about this and I used to be. I like the concept of marriage and the stability it can provide in a relationship. Although I am not sure whether I want to be part of the gay marriage in the future, I am opposed to the church’s rhetoric in opposition to gay marriage.

I love the law of the fast and of fast offerings. However, the way that tithing is handled currently in the church is troublesome to me. The “10% of income”, rather than “10% of surplus/increase” interpretation of the law causes unnecessary problems. I don’t pay any tithing right now, but I think that’s more a result of my mistrust of the church than a desire not to sacrifice the church. I would like to sustain the brethren as prophets, seers, and revelators, but I don’t think that they are. I think that they are prophets in the sense that “the testimony of Christ is the spirit of prophecy”. I don’t believe that they see visions or dream dreams, or that they reveal new doctrine to the body of the church. Their visions and dreams may happen, but they certainly aren’t talking about it. I know in a very intimate way that the brethren are fallible. Particularly, the words of Pres. Kimball and Elder Packer on homosexuality and masturbation have been destructive to my self-worth and my belief that God loves me, I am worthwhile, and that I deserve happiness in this life.

Elder Packer’s recent talk opening General Conference made me realize that he is not going to stop saying awful things about homosexuals, ratcheting up fear that homosexuals will destroy families and ultimately civilization. I also have come to realize that when he passes away, there are others to take up his mantle. I do not wish him any harm. But I recognize the power that he wields as the President of the Quorum of the 12, and that many good Mormons adopt his words and his thoughts be leaving that they must also be intolerant and fearful of homosexuals. How can church simultaneously be a place of healing and hurt? This is the crux of my dilemma and the awful decision I have to make.

I need to be released from all of my callings, so that I can have the freedom to come to church every once in a while and partake of the beautiful spirit during the sacrament ordinance, renewing my baptismal covenants. I believe in Zion, and that it is a community. I just don’t have the emotional strength right now to engage in the building of the community. I need some space to strengthen myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally without worrying that my progress will be threatened by insensitive and uneducated words of the brethren or of other members.

I know this was long. I hope I have not offended any of you. There are not many things that I know, but I know intellectually, spiritually, and viscerally what it means to be a homosexual. And perhaps the greatest dilemma in my life is the enormous mismatch between the things I hear in church about myself and my daily lived reality. If you have read to the end of this very long epistle, I thank you.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I have held the opinion for some time that there is little to no room allowed in the church for homosexuals. Those gay members who attempt to remain active and believing have a tough road ahead of them. I do not see it changing anytime soon. Social pressure may force some changes in policy but it will take at least another generation before the bigotry is purged from the rank and file.

[Anonymous]

That was beautiful and it expressed the beauty and worth of your spirit. It sadden me to think of your pain. It sadden me to be part of a church that would do this to you and I ask for yor forgiveness in mine and their behalf. I was guilty of bad feelings toward gays because of my upbringing and I am glad that I can repent. For me, I think the worst sins I have ever committed are the ones I used unkindness against someone just because I saw then as less than me. Right now I don’t blame you for leaving because the church as a whole is not worthy of your gentle spirit. Please find room for us here at StayLDS to continue being part of your life.

[Anonymous]

Turinturambar, You are a very thoughtful & sensitive person. You have obviously put a lot of thought into this decision.

I would be proud if you were my son. I believe that God wants all of us to be happy. If you can’t find it at church do

something else. That would be my only advise. Don’t eliminate church without replacing it with something that you

enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I hope you find peace joy and love on your journey, and I hope you stay around here.

And know that there are those people still in the church working to make the church a better place.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar,

I wish you nothing but the best. I applaud you for taking action to better your situation. I hope you find peace and happiness. Although our situations are very different, I can report to you that in my own case, I feel much better about who I am and how I live since I stopped measuring myself against the church’s yardstick. It turns out that you can live a “righteous life” without the need for the church to tell you what that means. You can live all the parts of the gospel you choose, including whatever level of spirituality and closeness to God that you want within whatever framework you choose for yourself.

No matter what path you choose to follow in the future, please know that I am grateful for the presence you have had on this site. I’ve learned so much from you. Your sharing here has been a significant catalyst in my evolving awareness, openness, acceptance and compassion of people for whom I earlier felt only passive tolerance. Thank you for helping me in that way. Godspeed in wherever you go from here, my friend.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

Well, after months and months of agonizing I have finally decided to drastically cut back my participation in the Church. This has been one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life…I was led to believe that if I were to become ultra-righteous, God would “heal” me of my terrible affliction, and I would be able to have a “normal” Mormon life…It took a decade and a half of this therapy to realize that whether genetically inherited or some other way over which I have no control, I am a homosexual, and no amount of therapy could change it…So the current Church no longer suggests that I marry a member of the opposite sex. It also no longer suggests reparative therapy. Instead, it asks me to pursue a life alone and celibate, grateful for the small concessions and incremental charity I can receive…Whether intentional or not, the suggestions and policies and doctrinal speculations accompanied by visceral disgust with homosexuality, have set up a contrived, hypothetical celibate life plan that is not at all practical…Elder Packer’s recent talk opening General Conference made me realize that he is not going to stop saying awful things about homosexuals, ratcheting up fear that homosexuals will destroy families and ultimately civilization….

I don’t blame you. The Church is definitely not very friendly toward members that don’t fit the TBM mold for one reason or another and Church leaders have typically acted especially intolerant and ignorant about homosexuality as long as I can remember so I wouldn’t get my hopes up too much about this changing significantly anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Turinturambar,

I am confident that this is a good choice for you at this time in your life. I personally have said many times that if any of my children came out as gay, we would immediately withdraw from being active in the church. However, my confidence that this is a good choice for you has very little to do with what I would do in your shoes. Rather I can see that you have made this decision carefully after trying to make other alternatives work beyond any reasonable expectation. When we StayLDSers say, “Go Slow!” – you have done that and been careful and deliberate in your consideration. You didn’t choose your path, but it is uniquely yours and you are the best qualified person to make these types of decisions.

turinturambar wrote:

And yet I was getting unmistakable messages from my culture and from the priesthood brethren whom I was taught to trust and obey — I was a pervert.

I had always wondered where the dividing line was between normal and healthy s*xual desires and perversion. I have come to the conclusion that for the most part “pervert” is a term used for people whose s*xual desires are different than those that are using the term (similar to the word “cult” that we have discussed several times here). This was especially confusing going through puberty as I was imagining such a wide swath of people n*ked and thinking about s*x so often. It’s funny because even now that I know that this is normal it is embarrassing to write it.

Mike wrote:

Turinturambar, You are a very thoughtful & sensitive person. You have obviously put a lot of thought into this decision.

I would be proud if you were my son. I believe that God wants all of us to be happy. If you can’t find it at church do something else. That would be my only advice. Don’t eliminate church without replacing it with something that you enjoy.

I heartily agree with Mike. I would look for alternate ways to get community and spirituality in your life.

God be with you friend – until we meet again.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

Elder Packer’s recent talk opening General Conference made me realize that he is not going to stop saying awful things about homosexuals, ratcheting up fear that homosexuals will destroy families and ultimately civilization. I also have come to realize that when he passes away, there are others to take up his mantle. I do not wish him any harm. But I recognize the power that he wields as the President of the Quorum of the 12, and that many good Mormons adopt his words and his thoughts be leaving that they must also be intolerant and fearful of homosexuals. How can church simultaneously be a place of healing and hurt? This is the crux of my dilemma and the awful decision I have to make.

turinturambar – There may not be many to take it up. I don’t think there is the stomach for it among most members under about 60-65.

Thanks for sharing your long and short versions. I hope you start feeling better in every way.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

So the current Church no longer suggests that I marry a member of the opposite sex. It also no longer suggests reparative therapy. Instead, it asks me to pursue a life alone and celibate, grateful for the small concessions and incremental charity I can receive from those who sup at the table of the fullness of blessings of the church. I recognize that it probably isn’t the intention of the brethren for me to live an unhappy life. But the conditions that the church asks me to live in are like a cage that prevents me from loving and accepting myself, from attaining emotional maturity, and from allowing happiness to flow into my life. Whether intentional or not, the suggestions and policies and doctrinal speculations accompanied by visceral disgust with homosexuality, have set up a contrived, hypothetical celibate life plan that is not at all practical. Luckily for the brethren, they don’t have to make this plan work in their lives.

turinturambar,

words cannot express the depth of feeling i have in reading your amazing post. the above quote is so well written, so powerful, so compelling. you have expressed exactly what needs to said, and it is my sincere hope that you find the joy and peace you and all of us sincerely need.

i also hope, without much hope, that your words, combined with others who profoundly suffer, find their way into the hearts of the leaders of the church we love. I don’t expect that will happen, nor is it relevant.

god bless you in your journey.

[Anonymous]

It is clear from the research that being gay is part of your DNA. Would God make you the way you are, then hate you for it? He loves you and wants you to be happy. Go, be free, find happiness. The church is clearly wrong on this issue, just like they were wrong about blacks and the priesthood. They will recant their position eventually, I’m sure of it.

I’m also ashamed to admit that I was taught to be, and was biased for part of my life. I also apologize to you and others who I was taught to be intolerant toward.

Embrace being gay! Its who you are! God made you this way on purpose! He loves you how you are! You might think about moving somewhere out of state and trying to start a new life. Maybe start looking for a new job. Take the leap to reboot your life. I hope you find happiness, love, and even marriage someday soon.

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