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Well, after months and months of agonizing I have finally decided to drastically cut back my participation in the Church. This has been one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life. I’d like to write a little bit about the process, not because I feel I need to justify my decision to anyone, but because in setting it down in words it makes a complex and difficult process more transparent and easier for me to accept. I am a homosexual. The current Church no longer suggests that I marry a member of the opposite sex. It also no longer suggests reparative therapy. Instead, it asks me to pursue a life alone and celibate, grateful for the small concessions and incremental charity I can receive from those who sup at the table of the fullness of blessings of the church. I recognize that it probably isn’t the intention of the brethren for me to live an unhappy life. But the conditions that the church asks me to live in are like a cage that prevents me from loving and accepting myself, from attaining emotional maturity, and from allowing happiness to flow into my life. Whether intentional or not, the suggestions and policies and doctrinal speculations accompanied by visceral disgust with homosexuality, have set up a contrived, hypothetical celibate life plan that is not at all practical. Luckily for the brethren, they don’t have to make this plan work in their lives. All I can say is that trying to make this plan work for myself over the last 20 years has brought me enormous confusion, pain, frustration, and self-loathing. I am convinced that if I had been emotionally healthy over the past two decades, I would not be dealing with the level of anxiety, depression, obesity, and neuromuscular pain I currently experience. I don’t want to blame my current circumstances on the church, because I have the agency to treat my anxiety and depression, to eat better and get exercise, and to build a viable social life for myself. Back in the 1990s, I used to hear people arguing that reparative therapy was dangerous and damaging to clients, and I thought to myself “yeah, right”. I know now the awful of the kind of damage it can cause.
So, where does this leave me? I know in a very intimate way that the brethren are fallible. Particularly, the words of Pres. Kimball and Elder Packer on homosexuality and masturbation have been destructive to my self-worth and my belief that God loves me, I am worthwhile, and that I deserve happiness in this life.
Elder Packer’s recent talk opening General Conference made me realize that he is not going to stop saying awful things about homosexuals, ratcheting up fear that homosexuals will destroy families and ultimately civilization. I also have come to realize that when he passes away, there are others to take up his mantle. I do not wish him any harm. But I recognize the power that he wields as the President of the Quorum of the 12, and that many good Mormons adopt his words and his thoughts be leaving that they must also be intolerant and fearful of homosexuals. How can church simultaneously be a place of healing and hurt? This is the crux of my dilemma and the awful decision I have to make.
I need to be released from all of my callings, so that I can have the freedom to come to church every once in a while and partake of the beautiful spirit during the sacrament ordinance, renewing my baptismal covenants. I believe in Zion, and that it is a community. I just don’t have the emotional strength right now to engage in the building of the community. I need some space to strengthen myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally without worrying that my progress will be threatened by insensitive and uneducated words of the brethren or of other members.
I know this was long. I hope I have not offended any of you. There are not many things that I know, but I know intellectually, spiritually, and viscerally what it means to be a homosexual. And perhaps the greatest dilemma in my life is the enormous mismatch between the things I hear in church about myself and my daily lived reality.
From Journey: “Be good to yourself when nobody else will, oh be good to yourself” (guitar riff)
God bless you in your journey, friend. FWIW I have held the opinion for some time that there is little to no room allowed in the church for homosexuals. Those gay members who attempt to remain active and believing have a tough road ahead of them. I do not see it changing anytime soon. Social pressure may force some changes in policy but it will take at least another generation before the bigotry is purged from the rank and file. Turinturambar ! there is huge support for gay Mormons like yourself online. to name a few high profile active Mormons you don’t have to look too far. John Dehlin is a huge supporter of the lgbt community. there is Carol Lynn Pearson who has written very supportive books for gay Mormons, and then there is Mitch Mayne from the Oakland, California stake membership. Google these individuals. they are a tremendous support and they are there for you personally. John is actually a facebook friend of mine.
in short you don’t have to take your journey alone.
my 13 year old son came out to my ex-wife recently(his mother). he hasn’t told me yet but i will be there for him when he tells me.
My advice is to find ways of helping others, serving them, and doing good with the talent, effort, and intelligence you have available — in whatever context you find amenable to you — at church or not. You may feel a void in your life as you reduce your involvement in the church. I would find ways, as soon as you are ready, to find another community into which you can involve yourself. The world needs good people to serve in a whole variety of capacities, whether religious or not. I have three “communities” in which I operate now. One is a local arts type of community which I am growing, one is a community service organization, and I still socialize with people in the Church. You will always know how to talk to Mormons because you understand their values. And in social settings, a lot of the objectionable things you hear at church never come up, i have found. You know there are certain topics of which you should steer clear, but you know the community and can talk to the people socially. It is still a good place for me and my family to socialize. We had a party at our house this weekend and it was full of LDS people on a non-church topic of mutual interest, and it was fun. I would do it again.
Quote:“You’re walking a high wire. Caught in the crossfire. Be good to yourself.”
Raised on Radio – Awesome album
SilentDawning wrote:My advice is to find ways of helping others, serving them, and doing good with the talent, effort, and intelligence you have available — in whatever context you find amenable to you — at church or not. You may feel a void in your life as you reduce your involvement in the church. I would find ways, as soon as you are ready, to find another community into which you can involve yourself. The world needs good people to serve in a whole variety of capacities, whether religious or not.
I have three “communities” in which I operate now. One is a local arts type of community which I am growing, one is a community service organization, and I still socialize with people in the Church. You will always know how to talk to Mormons because you understand their values. And in social settings, a lot of the objectionable things you hear at church never come up, i have found. You know there are certain topics of which you should steer clear, but you know the community and can talk to the people socially. It is still a good place for me and my family to socialize. We had a party at our house this weekend and it was full of LDS people on a non-church topic of mutual interest, and it was fun. I would do it again.
This is good advice.
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Best of luck. Personally, I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin anyway. I hope it all works out for you. as a matter of my own personal opinion i don’t think it is helpful to call homosexuality a sin in the context that has been used in relation to gay members of the lds faith. after hearing gay members or former gay members share their stories online i am convinced it is a very natural way of being for those who are gay.
after hearing such stories it has made me so much more accepting and compassionate of gays who struggle with the heterocultural mindset of the lds church and of gays in general relating to the mainstream north american culture from years past.
turinturambar My heart truly goes out to you and I understand where you are coming from. I have a 30 year old son who is gay who went from such a strong faith in God and the church to becoming an atheist and depressed for years over this issue. God gave me a powerful experience showing me that I should see my son as in the story of the blind man in the Bible. It was thought it was a sin and that either the parents or the blind man had sinned and we know Christ said it was no ones fault or a sin but he was born blind for the glory of God. Should a blind man, not be allowed to marry, have sex, or affection? If God created a man blind or gay, how can it be wrong. Now, I just want my son to believe in God again and that he created him the way he is and for a purpose. Follow your own inspiration and you will not go wrong. The past year I have attended the United Church of Christ where they affirm gay couples/families and it is a beautiful site to see. I do admire Mitch Mayne and Carol Lynne and others who are trying to educate lds leaders. As more GA’s have gay kids and grandkids, they will understand more. But, you need a life of love and not guilt from leaders who are a product of their culture as Brigham Young was about blacks at one time. Let us know how you are doing and how God is guiding you. Also, keep all the good you gleamed in the lds church and keep your good lds friends. Bridget
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