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As I consider what has led me to where I am today, I can’t ignore an incident that has nothing to do with polygamy, the Book of Mormon, or any doctrinal issue. I’ve never shared this story with anyone (with one exception). I think I’m writing it down as a therapeutic exercise. My daughter struggles both academically and socially due to a particular disability she has. We had moved into new ward (not the ward we currently live in) when she and her mother had an opportunity to go to Europe for a couple of weeks. They had a great time and were gone for two Sundays. My daughter came back with pictures and souvenirs and a great deal of excitement. Sunday comes along (remember she had been gone for two weeks) and not one person asked her about her trip or inquired where she had been for so long. Not her Young Women leader, not the Young Women’s president, not her Sunday School teacher, and not one of her peers. The next Sunday came around and the bishop asked her about the trip but no one else did. That Sunday afternoon, my daughter broke down and cried for an hour as she realized that not one person (with the exception of the belated bishop) had been interested enough in her to ask about this wonderful experience. Well, my wife (who tends to be a mother bear anyway) was furious and called the Young Women’s president to express her displeasure. The YW President had the grace to be embarrassed and did ask my daughter about her trip the following Sunday. I went and talked to our bishop (who was a nice but ultimately ineffectual sort of person) who was sympathetic but did nothing (I’m not sure what he could have done anyway). My daughter’s YW leader never did ask her about the trip or acknowledge her absence.
Ironically, my daughter got over it but I never did. This all happened years ago and we now live in a different ward (but still in the same general vicinity as the old ward). I’ve never been able to forgive that ward. Intellectually, I know this is a small event in the big scheme of things but, emotionally, it’s not that easy for me to get over. Basically, I was offended. Note that I’m still active. I hold a calling and a temple recommend. But it caused me to look at the social network that makes up the Church in a different way and brought me to a point in my journey of faith where I question SOME of the basic tenets of my religion. Perhaps I fit the mold of the “offended person” that a couple of GAs have talked about. Perhaps a different sort of person would go through the same experience without reacting the way I did. Perhaps I lack the faith, hope and charity to deal with the imperfections of the people around me. (You know, church is perfect but its members are not)
All I know is that I’ll never forget how I felt that day my daughter realized that no one in our “ward family” cared enough to notice she’d been gone for two weeks.
Thanks for sharing that experience, Gerald. “By small and simple means” is not just a truism; it’s a two-edged sword. May I make a simple suggestion:
Try to turn that experience into a positive motivation for the future. Try consciously to be more aware yourself of who isn’t there any given Sunday – or perhaps just more than one Sunday in a row, and try to do what you can to see that others don’t have that experience. You probably won’t be able to be aware of everyone, but if you can keep even one other person from feeling what your family felt . . .
In many ways, I see that as the simplest manifestation of the heart of the Gospel – recognizing and acknowledging the overlooked among us.
Gerald, it is events like this that reinforce to me the importance of family. I did a similar trip with my sons. (I wasn’t active at the time.) For me, it was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life because I did it with them. (It probably ranks within the top (3) things I’ve done in my life.)
I have pictures in my house & we talk about the trip many times since then. This trip was for us & no one else. My sons are grown now & we still talk about it.
My only regret is that my wife couldn’t go with us.
I don’t think that members of your ward would even remember this event anymore.
Don’t let the inconsiderate acts of a few tarnish the memory of this wonderful experience for your family.
It’s not worth it. Iam sure that you have already come to that conclusion.
I wish you many more experiences like this with your family.
Mike from Milton.
Gerald, I’m in no way suggesting that your experience isn’t real or valid….and that it was painful for you. I do need to say though, that I have the exact opposite view. When I miss I church, it’s nobody’s’ business where I was or what I was I doing. NO ONE. So when church members ask me where I was and why I missed church, I get upset and tell them to mind their own business.
So, had I been a member of your ward, I would have been “respectful” enough to not ask why you or your daughter missed church. If she wanted to tell me about it, fine…but I’m not going to go out of my way to ask why she missed two weeks of church.
Does that makes sense at all? That is just how I see things.
I see it differently — this mattered to Gerald and his daughter — just as seeing compassion and responsiveness from my priesthood leaders when I was burned out and needed a release was important to me. I find people in general see my angst and my personal reaction as perhaps not matched to the gravity of the offence. But to me, it was real, and significant, just as Gerald’s is. Coping strategy? I learned what I can expect from the church leadership in general from that experience — appreciation or timeliness is not something I can expect or “bank on”. Just as interest or concern in his daughter is something that I think Gerald can identify as a nice benefit of being in a local Ward, but not something a person can expect or put hopes upon. In a way, their indifference exposed a side of the church neither of us were aware of or expecting.
So, in the future, when and if I serve in a time consuming calling again, I will do so knowing full well that their timetable for my release may not match my own, and if I do accept such a calling, I won’t expect appreciation. Now, this, no doubt will affect my desires to serve in that capacity again, but when I do, I will do so without such expectations. And, probably without caring if they officially release me when I’m with the calling.
I’m reminded of a phrase I saw on a religious birthday card:
“Blessed is he who expects nothing on his birthday, for he shall not be disappointed”.
This part makes me the saddest: Gerald wrote:That Sunday afternoon, my daughter broke down and cried for an hour as she realized that not one person (with the exception of the belated bishop) had been interested enough in her to ask about this wonderful experience.
This part is really interesting to me..
Quote:, my daughter got over it .
it sounds like your daughter has a big heart to forgive and move on. What a great example.
I think I would have similar feelings to Gerald. It doesn’t bother me much when people do thinks to me directly, but the most stinging experiences I’ve had are when I see my kids come home from church crying. That is the toughest for me to deal with.
Gerald, was it therapeutic to get it out and xpress it among friends, or is it still stinging that you need to do something to be able to move past it?
It WAS therapeutic and I appreciate the reasoned rational responses to my situation from each person who commented. It was exactly what I needed to hear! I hope I don’t give the impression that I obsess over this. It’s a memory that flares up from time to time and yesterday was one of those times. Thanks for the support. And for the record, my daughter does have an incredibly forgiving nature. One of my daughter’s teen-years’ disaffection came from an anonymous letter about how shameful it was she wore stylish clothes instead of the molly mormon variety. Didn’t she know that she was not in compliance with the standards? She hated YW as a result, and although is active to this day (she’s 28), she doesn’t trust the narrowmindedness of the church. This crap happens in every religion, from what I can tell. I was watching a british miniseries last night with my wife, “Cranford”, and this period piece portrays that communities, absent religion, tend to not meet the needs or reject those who are different. It’s not one of the better aspects of our human nature.
against this backdrop, there is a ‘higher nature’, and that is to nurture. Unfortunately, it’s hard to do so, because it really requires insight as to what each person wants even when they don’t express it. When I was a leader, I probably failed at least 50% of the time to really understand those whom I served. Most probably didn’t care, but some get offended. I didn’t mean it — it happened.
Quote:All I know is that I’ll never forget how I felt that day my daughter realized that no one in our “ward family” cared enough to notice she’d been gone for two weeks.
I couldn’t help but feel sadness around this statement. When I was in my first year of college I remember when I stopped going to church. I was in a really dark place working through really personal things. I’ll never forget when the relief society president (also the RA of the dorm I lived in and a friend of me and my roommates) told my other roommate how she was so worried about her because she wasn’t coming to church. I couldn’t help but think while standing right there, “I haven’t been coming to church either. Do I not matter enough for you to be concerned about me?!”
I’m glad to hear your daughter was able to get to a better place. I have found that people are really bad at noticing things or they are too afraid to tell you how they really feel. I don’t remember who said it, but I definitely think those of us who have experienced this sad realization “I’m not noticed” can do better to notice those who may easily slip under the radar.
Gerald, Thanks for sharing your story. I know it helps to vocalize… er… type out… things that have caused pain, it is incredibly therapeutic… and I think that is what I love more than anything else about this site, because much of what we share here has no other forum. I get what you are saying, too. I bet that if you had had your trip in the 70’s, that there would have been more interest and/or concern for absence. Sadly, I believe the membership of the church is finding it more and more difficult to connect in that way. People often seem to be filling the gap, or going through the motions with glazed-over eyes. I’m not sure it’s an LDS Church issue as much as a societal one. Everyone is so busy now. I’ve lived in the same house for nearly two decades, yet I don’t know the people that live 150 feet from me. It’s easy for us to become so busy with the mechanics of our lives that we bypass the things that make us alive. I think this really underscores the importance of family bonds, because there is just no substitute. I have a stronger bond with members of my ward than I do with people at work… but I have a stronger bond with friends, than with people in the ward, and stronger with family than with friends, and stronger with my spouse than with other family members. So many, now, live as ex-patriots from broken families. I’m glad you have a strong family… your family is more important than any other concern, even ward members that fail to rise up when needed.
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