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Hello all, I have been reading the board for probably 16-18 months now. I joined almost a year ago and have posted little. My wife is on here too, she is “God is Love” and she is wonderful. I felt like I should put something up here as a pay it back/pay it forward kind of thing for everyone who has lifted me up and helped me along my way by sharing their stories. A heartfelt thank you to everyone here that has been brave enough to participate. I’m sure I’m not the only lurker that is uplifted by just reading the Mormon themed discussion boards, especially this one.
So, how did I get here… (Skip down to below if you just want to get to the faith crisis stuff, I’ll make a note where to start)
I am a 5th/6th generation mormon, on both sides. My family has been involved in the church from the 1830’s up through today. I have a Grandpa who was in the 1st quorum of Seventy and my parents are as TBM as it is possible to be, especially my mother. I come from Cache Valley and belong to a large family and am the oldest son. I have always been a very independent and self-assured person. I have always preferred charting my own course. I really butted heads with my mother during my teenage years and our relationship is still very superficial and strained 20 or so years later. I was a rebellious teenager, my parent’s forced my participation in church. I had a terrible, overbearing, and controlling bishop starting when I was 15 or so. I despised him and he disliked me right back. I drank a lot of beer in high school and all my friends were much like me. Maybe half of my circle served missions, most shouldn’t have, a few got sent home early. I chose not to serve, my mother would have preferred I had died and said as much to me. I was very much the black sheep of not only my immediate family but the extended family as well. Thankfully time has healed a lot of that foolishness.
I married “God is Love” in a civil ceremony, another serious blow to my mother and another strain on our relationship. Both my wife and I were stupid kids and were probably too young. Now that I have kids almost as old as we were then, it scares me to think they might be getting married at that age. We married and moved immediately a little ways away from our families and friends. I think that was a really good thing for us. We started going to church together and ended up getting sealed about a year later. Soon thereafter I started into school and stopped going to church pretty much entirely for 6-7 years. By the time the school years were over we had 3 kids and the whole time “God is Love” took them to church by herself and carried more of a load then she should have had too. She is a strong amazing woman. I wasn’t a great husband in those days, I’ve learned a lot and am still learning.
After school we relocated to Utah Valley for work and I started going back to church with the family. We had an amazing ward down there, yes there were crazies but on the whole it was hands-down the nicest ward we’ve ever lived in. We added a 4th baby to the family while we lived in Utah County. The baby had health issues (she is fine now) and I was forced to look for employment that had better health benefits. We ended up back in Cache Valley and settled in Franklin County, ID. We added a 5th and final child to our family here in Franklin County. Little did we know that Franklin County Idaho could possible be the worst possible place for someone to live while having a crisis of faith, even worse than Utah County.
We were by all accounts the ideal LDS family. Happily married, 5 talented smart kids, anxiously engaged in doing good, very active in the church, and trying our best to keep every single commandment required by the church. “God is Love” and I were both members of the ward council (She the Primary Pres and I the YM Pres). Our bishop at the time was the biggest zealot that you can imagine. I could tell story after story about the craziness that he imposed on people and our ward. “God is Love” was on the WC for maybe 6-8 months before I was called as YM Pres. In hindsight I should have told them NO, one big calling is more than enough per family. I could write a book filled with crazy things that happened in our WC, but that is off topic.
(Start here for those of you who didn’t want to read all that boring backstory)
My wife and I were asked to be Ma’s and Pa’s for a stake Trek activity. Everyone was asked to research their ancestors and find a pioneer to represent on the Trek. My research led me to discover that I have a relative that was formerly a polygamous wife to Joseph Smith and upon his death married another apostle. I of course was fascinated by this and started really researching it. You can guess where that lead me. I found a laundry list of things that the church has been underhanded and dishonest about and felt extremely betrayed and angry. During the previous several years as YM president and trying to support a zealot bishop, I several times made the comment to my wife that I would be seriously pissed off if I found out someday that the church wasn’t true and I was doing all this stuff I didn’t agree with for no good reason. Well after months and months of obsessive study I came to the conclusion that the church is not what it claims to be. It was a very painful experience and I am still angry about it. I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t dare tell my wife because of all the horror stories I had read about of people getting divorced and loosing there families over this stuff. WC and PEC were pure hell, most weeks I tried very had to not say anything, when I did someone usually got offended and it was never me.
I went through the motions for a few more months, but “God is Love” knew something was wrong. I had a very special experience in the depths of my faith crisis that helped me have the courage to finally just tell my wife. She was shocked at first and we had a very difficult conversation about it. There were some tears shed and somedays there still are. She is an amazing woman and I was surprised to find out that she is very much a NOM anyways. We had just never really had a serious discussion about religion on that level before. She had always just gone along with the program, not always feeling as strongly about it as I or others did. I saw things very literally, black and white just as I had been taught my entire life. Her views are much more nuanced and accepting. In short, I am a lucky man. It doesn’t always work out for people like it has for me. It has still been difficult but our marriage is probably stronger than it has ever been in the past. I am a much happier person now. I feel free and hopeful for the future. I no longer wear garments, I have renewed my love of Beer, and I do not observe any other church teachings that my inner compass doesn’t align with. I regard the church as a complete fraud at this point. I am not an atheist, but my views are radically altered from what they were. “God is Love” knows how I feel and she and I speak openly about our feelings on this and other subjects. Cache Valley is a difficult place to live when you feel the way I do. I work for a small business, one of the owners is a bishop and another co-worker I associate with closely is also a bishop. Things would be impossible for me at work if they knew how I felt about the church.
My biggest concern for the future is how to navigate life without hurting my kids. “God is Love” and I differ on our belief in the church, but we both love our kids to death. It is a difficult spot to be in for sure. I don’t want them to feel like I did someday and have them come to me and say why didn’t you tell me? I also don’t want them to become social outcasts or projects due to their apostate father dragging them out of the church. We are still in a sort of nebulous place when it comes to church participation. I go to Sacrament meeting sometimes, never on Fast Sunday. I haven’t shared my story with any church leaders. I just firmly tell them “NO” with no excuses offered when the ask for stuff I am not willing to do. I am sure they are confused about my situation. It is funny that none of them dare even talk to me, they think I am offended and they don’t want to make it worse.
Sorry for the long length of this post, I only write this in the hopes that my experience might help anyone else who finds they are in a similar place and might appreciate it.
Origami
Thanks for sharing, Oragami. I do not have the Mormon heritage you have, and I don’t live in the Mormon Corridor, but my feelings and thought are quite similar to yours. The kids are a huge issue for me – not that I don’t want them to be members of the church (I think they should and will choose like the rest of us) but because I don’t want to do any damage. My kids do go to church because my wife is TBM, but they are not full partakers of all that is there (I’ll leave it at that). We have interacted on the forums before and I hope we continue to interact. I genuinely appreciate your insights.
Thanks DJ, I hoe no one gets the wrong idea about me trotting out my mormon heritage. I have never shared that info with anyone before. Very few people, even my closest friends even know my Grandpa was a GA. I just thought it might explain myself a little better. I am not trying to impress anyone by sharing it.
Yes, Thank you for sharing. Many here have had similar experiences. I don’t think that anyone minds your reference to your heritage. On the contrary, it serves to highlight how deeply you were invested in the church being True. I appreciate your contributions in the forums and this opportunity to better understand where you are coming from.
I’m glad you shared your heritage, for the reasons Roy mentioned. As someone that is my own heritage in the church (convert) it’s interesting to hear from people that are actually connected with the characters from church history. I had a similar experience with DW, she’s a great, strong, and tolerant woman. I admire how she has been an ezer kenegdo to me throughout the FC process.
Sometimes I question what I want for my own child. DW is TBM and I reverence that so I I do my best to help out. I can still see the church as a necessary stepping stone in people’s spiritual growth – regardless of whether it is a fraud.
Welcome to the site, Origami! I’m glad you posted. I’ve appreciated your PM comments. As a former cache valley resident… and Franklin was in our stake btw, I certainly can relate to your story.
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Welcome. I look forward to meeting both of you some time soon. Welcome. At one point in my life, I lived in Franklin County. Some great people there…and some very odd ones. I agree that it is not an ideal place to have a faith crisis. Good luck in your journey! Welcome to the board, Origami. You’re going to find a lot of folks who have been where you are and can appreciate your struggles. You are a lucky man to have such a supportive wife and she’s lucky that both of your prioritize the children so highly. Pulling together rather than apart is the only way to get through this.
Look forward to sharing this part of your journey with you,
Cate
Origami wrote:I had a very special experience in the depths of my faith crisis that helped me have the courage to finally just tell my wife.
Hi, Origami – Thanks for the introduction. I always get a lot out of them and wish I felt free to write one myself. I’m glad you had this experience. I had a small moment when I felt understood and accepted by God and if I don’t ever feel anything like it again, it will be sufficient to get me through.
“I’m in love, I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!” Quote:“I’m in love, I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!”
Sorry, origami. It just happened.
😆 Nice, real real nice. That is some serious PDA. Thanks for all the comments and welcome notes. It means a lot to me. The good people on this and other boards kept me sane through some tough times.
I had a similar experience with DW, she’s a great, strong, and tolerant woman. I admire how she has been an ezer kenegdo to me throughout the FC process. Sorry Nibbler, You have a bigger vocabulary than me, What is an ezer kenegdo?
Ok, I looked it up myself, Beautiful Hebrew language for woman being a helpmate or equal partner for a man.
Thanks for the note too.
Curtis, thanks for the PM I saw it after I edited this post the first time.
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