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hawkgrrrl wrote:
Perhaps your wife also sees things the way her mother does. If so, that’s really too bad.
Well, the good news is she doesn’t. In fact, she finds her mother as obnoxious as I do (oops did I say that!😳 ). Like I said in my intro, my wife is definitely not orthodox either. She’s a believer, but knows a lot of the problems and has a nuanced view. Unlike me, who was absolutely dedicated and obedient as I could be (when I was TBM), she is sort of wishy washy. Doesn’t read her scriptures, doesn’t go VT, or care much about going to the temple often, etc. etc. Early in our marriage this was a problem for me and I pushed her to do those things. I think possibly that she relied on those things. The problem is that she thought she married that person. That person (in her eyes) is now gone. She feels betrayed.hawkgrrrl wrote:I’m concerned that your therapist would have no poker face when you shared your feelings.
Okay, okay, I shouldn’t be so dramatic!
hawkgrrrl wrote:I wonder if Mormon Therapist would be able to offer any useful insight. Have you ever checked her site out?
Yeah, I did when she posted, and I thought about asking her but didn’t do it. That’s a great suggestion!In any case, these are great suggestions. I’m open to more if anyone has more to offer. Sorry to turn the thread into a discussion about my marriage. I must confess though that having someone to talk to about it is very helpful for me. Thanks all for listening/reading!
Well, that sounds actually much more promising about your wife for some reason, if she’s in agreement about the obnoxiousness of your MIL. The idea of a spouse changing is often disconcerting. Mormon Therapist has done several posts about that topic, although not exactly like what you describe. It’s probably just a change your wife needs to get used to. I recommend lots of time together, just the 2 of you, to get to know one another again. But with 3 kids under 5 and a PhD program, that might be easier said than done. I like to take a couple trips a year with just my DH, and it really helps. People change. We are not the person our spouse married, and they are not the person we married. And that’s just the way life goes. You just have to constantly work on that mental list of all the great things you love about your spouse. Because otherwise, the default setting is noticing all the thousands of irritating things. Oh yeah, this thread was about Overit and MisterCurie I just wanted to let everyone know that i’ve had a few private messages back and forth with MisterCurie. He seems like a genuinely nice guy trying to sort out this dramatic shift we are all so familiar with. I’ve really been impressed with his private conversations between us.
MisterCurie has stuck with us after all. I’m so glad! I really like his contributions. His wife is pretty active at NOM (he is too), but I think they are finding their way. And there are some middle-roaders at NOM. It’s just not the end game for most. Thanks hawk for some wise counsel. It would appear that there is an opportunity coming my way that may make it possible for us to take your counsel while doing the PhD program. I’ll let you all know how it plays out. Thanks everyone for your help and support. I appreciate it.
Oh, and I also have liked Mister Curie and am happy he is remaining.
Jmb, keep us updated. Hawk, I get the feeling that Dathon wishes there were more “middle roaders” over there. I read MisterC’s intro thread there (or it may have been another?) and Dathon praised the ability to “stay” (sorry it was originally cut off).
Dathon praised . . . what? I agree that Dathon and some of the others would like more middle-of-the-roaders, and we do seem to have a friendly/symbiotic relationship with NOM that I’d like to preserve. What drives people away from NOM in our direction (plenty are driven in the FLAK/RFM direction) is:
– when many commenters there seem to assume that people who come to NOM are on their way out, and they are just helping them land gently
– when comments revel in their Stage 4 observations with no effort to understand or respect Stage 3 and Stage 5 is viewed with skepticism or as a sellout
Someone who stated he was exiting NOM recently was Sumarutsu – he sounded so much more like a StayLDSer. NOM even suggested he come here. Don’t think he’s shown up though, and everyone there immediately tried to show they aren’t really negative. And they aren’t always. Negativity, to me, is fine, so long as there’s a direction toward growth. Stagnant negativity is the worst.
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