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Joni: I don’t use my real name, but I am honest about my life history and my DH has a big enough presence on the bloggernacle, that most people have figured out who I am married to .. And who I am. And I am totally okay with that.
Maybe that is why I am struggling socially now at church .. A little too much honesty online??
Oh well. This too will pass.
Joni wrote:(DH’s parents have money, or at least the
ideaof money, and they use the threat of disinheriting to keep their kids in line.) When I was younger my family loved to pull out that threat to get me to dance to their tune. We’ll disown you if you
. The biggest one was actually going on a mission. I called their bluff each time and they never ended up disowning me, I guess they needed me more than they realized. Maybe if they actually had any money it would be one thing. 
I’m sure that there are families that would make good on the threat to disown a family member over something. IMO you’d be better off without them. If they only are nice to you when you do what they want… what kind of relationship is that anyway?
Have you ever thought of joining one of many closed facebook groups? It gives you a venue for liking and posting unfiltered comments on Mormon current events and only people in the group can see what you’ve written. Something to think about.
I’ve had experiences where DW thinks I only watch general conference to get ammo to use against the church (well there was that one year
😳 ) . I’ll watch and say, “I liked that talk. I liked that talk. I liked that talk. I liked that talk. I don’t like that talk, I feel it’s damaging.” and that’s when I get the, “You only watch to criticize.” I get it, I suppose I could keep my criticisms to myself and only talk about what was good about conference and forget the rest.Joni wrote:And I don’t understand how doubling down is supposed to work.
I don’t claim to know but when I try to put myself in their shoes this is what I see. The doubling down is meant to “fix” you. They may think that they haven’t been as valiant or engaged in churchy stuff and may blame themselves for you losing your (traditional) testimony. In their mind they may be thinking along the lines of, “if only I had been setting a better example for them all along.” So doubling down might be their way of beating themselves up in an effort to rescue you. I do believe that doubling down is coming from a place of love, so there’s that.
I like the idea of loving your husband and making sure he feels that you love him and you aren’t going anywhere. I like the idea of setting boundaries with family. Why should you be a doormat? Something in current Mormonism encourages passive aggression, tattling to authorities, and going behind people’s backs rather than directly addressing issues with the person involved. Is it possible for you to have a conversation with MIL and ask her to come directly to you if she has an issue with something you’ve said and done, rather than tattling to your husband?
I know it’s easier said than done.
Joni – If it’s already in your story and I didn’t get it, I’m sorry. But…has your husband always been like this vis a vis his mother, the church, faith issues, or has he swung to an extreme in reaction to what he sees as your move? When you are doing so many of the things that seem to matter to him, I wonder why he doesn’t give you more breathing room. I love this quote from Joseph Smith: “I want the liberty of believing as I please, it feels so good not to be tramelled.” I often think of it in these types of situations. I’ve had times when I’ve been questioned about things I’ve said or done online. Generally speaking, my response is “I stand by what I said,” because these are my real thoughts and feelings. I come by them honestly. In response to your questions:
Quote:Should this turn of events make me less bold in my online activity (using incognito browser tabs to visit StayLDS, or only accessing it on my smart phone) or should it make me more bold?
I’m not sure, but you need to get to a place of mutual respect with your husband where he can be who he wants to be and you can be genuine as well and still be loved and accepted. If you assure him that you love and accept him as he is it should be easier for him to do likewise. In general, I’m not in favor of being sneaky.
Quote:Is it worth trying to defend “those anti-Mormon websites you’re always going on” (which, on at least one [highly satisfying] occasion, was the actual Church’s official website) or would I be smarter simply giving up and not trying to engage?
I would ask him not to use slurs like that, particularly when he is misrepresenting what those sites’ aims are. Every person can only engage with the church on our own terms. He gets that privilege. Your MIL does. So do you. They can’t make you be Mormon their way. We all have to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. Pushing you into a box isn’t going to help you stay either.
Quote:Should I block my mother-in-law on Facebook if she’s going to monitor my online activities and report them to my husband as though I’m an errant child rather than a fully grown adult?
You are certainly free to block her or unfriend her. It probably depends on the nature of your relationship. There’s no law that says you have to be an open book to everyone. My own belief is that we each (in our marriage) own the relationship with our own parents and that’s that. Your in-laws are his parents. He is the primary relationship there, not you. If she’s going to whisper in his ear about you, then I’d consider unfriending or blocking her. Why cast your pearls before swine?
Quote:And, has a person who has had a faith crisis ever successfully been bullied into becoming a more orthodox believer?
Nope, just into resentful silence. Not fun.
Joni – As the resident spouse who knew the tough stuff last, I can tell you it scare’s the bigibee’s out of the believer. As members we have been warned subtly and not so subtly to beware of anything not in the standard manuals and meetings. On top of that it is the sacred mission of believers to carry all the world back home. (That is not a snark comment). More spouses than anyone knows flip out, as well as extended family and friends. Yes we have lost both in this lovely road of growth.
As the one taking the early steps on this, I would encourage you to pour tons of support toward your spouse and family. There is no race here.
Build loudly on what keeps you connected. As AP mentioned she still is Christian. That helps. If you still love the family values, or if you can “like” another talk/essay from the TBM side, say and Uchtdorf talk. These gestures can do a lot toward smoothing things.
Well, after effectively browbeating me into keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, my husband no longer wants to be married, because I don’t share my thoughts and feelings. He called me from work (which he never does) to tell me that I need to get a full time job so that he can move out. I’m sure his parents will be relieved.
Wow, Joni, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s very sad, actually. Virtual hugs. 😥 I’m so sorry, Joni. How terrible! I’m so sorry, Joni. Too bad he doesn’t follow the advice in this Ensign article: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/07/when-he-stopped-believing?lang=eng Joni – I am sorry. Truly sorry. (((( hug )))) I’m so sorry, Joni. (((Joni))) I didn’t see this until just now. I am so sorry. I can’t understand his mindset.
I hope we can be some kind of help.
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