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Hi Joni – today probably sucks. You never planned a faith transition or a divorce. Every one of us here is heartsick for you. Today though I am pulling for you. Plenty of people make it through a faith transition, it can take a while and you may never be the same again, but don’t get the two issues mixed up.
I hope you don’t mind if I play Mom for a bit.
#1 – As hard as it is to believe, you didn’t cause this. I know he is scared and reacting. He’s been taught only one way and this stuff blows a hole in everyone’s dreams. But you didn’t cause it.
#2 – You have the right to defend yourself. My suggestion would be to buy the book Planted from Deseret Book, to make copies of the Ensign Articles and Conference Talks about faith crisis’ (note Hawkgrrls link), and a copy of the essays or the links to the essays. Make sure he and his family get them. They don’t have to agree, they can find fault all they want but those documents support you. And you are valid.
#3 – If he wants a divorce, he can move out. It’s not your job to fix. If he can’t stay then he can’t stay.
#4- Avoid high attorney fee’s get a mediator. Be proactive. Get one for yourself. Their job is to mediate, and make a divorce less angry, less costly, and more practical for everyone involved.
I don’t know why faith transitions happen. But life transitions are yours to manage. And PM if you need to vent.
Joni, I am so sorry. I have come very close to being in your shoes, and I think I understand what you must be going through. It really sucks, but you are not to blame for this.
Thanks for your kind words, everyone. For what it’s worth, I don’t think DH will actually go through with divorcing me. I think he will find that the social and financial costs are too high.
But it definitely has a chilling effect on my ability to share my emotions with him. Keeping my heterodox opinions to myself isn’t good enough; it seems he actually wants me to outright lie, pretend everything is sunshine and roses.
One of the things he said during The Talk is “As soon as I divorce you, you are going to leave the church.” Not even a question; a statement of fact. How do I even begin to respond to that???
That is terrible Joni. I am so sorry. Even if he doesn’t go through with it – saying those things have ramifications on your ability to feel safe.
I am very sorry. These are the deep valleys of life, no fun. Fear can lead humans to do strange things. It makes us want to control circumstances and people, even revoke agency sometimes.
Fear is darkness, love is light. Sometimes the darkness we are called to wade through is thick and stubborn.
The only thing harder than divorce is marriage. Unfortunately the reverse can also be true. Hope you can lean on your social network to help you through it, but I’ll also pray for your husband’s heart to be softened toward you.
Joni – So incredibly sorry. My marriage has some very similar challenges, and it hits really close to home to hear your story. I don’t think I can imagine the feelings you’re feeling right now – they are my absolute worst nightmare.
After miserable results from sneaking and hiding in my marriage for the last year– I’ve hidden everything from my true feelings about the Church, coffee, Reddit, etc… and it’s been a complete disaster. I finally realized that if my marriage was ever going to succeed, it would be because my wife could trust me – not necessarily trust that I would live in a way that she approved of, but that she could trust that what she saw was what she was getting. I got a lot of advice to “play it slow” with her, and I feel like it’s not worked out very well. But then again, I don’t know what would have happened if I’d dumped it all on her the first day.
Be yourself, be honest and loving, be compromising (willing to let go of things or the need to be right), but at the same time be yourself.
Best of luck!
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