Parents "Making" Kids Go To Church

[Anonymous]

So I read the below-linked article in the Lord’s Newspaper, the Deseret News. The article itself is fine, but read the comments – as I read further and further, my blood began to boil. Who in the hell do these people think they are? The common strains are:

[Anonymous]

I rarely read the comment section in any newspaper, but especially in the Deseret News. It’s a self-selecting group, and it tends to run toward the extremes on both ends. It tends to bring out the worst in people – and the worst people – on both ends.

By and large, we are hypocrites when it comes to missionary work – but, at least, most other people are, as well.

[Anonymous]

That last point is an excellent point. We encourage our teenagers (and sometimes even primary kids) to be missionaries and convert their friends. Next time I hear someone say it’s ok to make kids go to church I’m going to ask this same question that you have.

[Anonymous]

I reserve the right to parent according to the dictates of my own conscience and respectfully ask everyone else to mind their own business (and children). :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Perfect, Roy.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

I reserve the right to parent according to the dictates of my own conscience and respectfully ask everyone else to mind their own business (and children). :thumbup:

Perfect!

I force my children to go to church. Same as I force them to go to family events, school, the dentist, etc. I don’t force them to believe in God, love their family, enjoy school or appreciate the dentist – that’s their business. I also have rules about not drinking alcohol, not smoking, personal safety, etc. They are house rules, and when they are old enough to leave home, they can do so and have their own set of house rules.

If they can present to me a coherent argument as to why they shouldn’t go and how it will fit with the family, I am willing to listen.

Same as when they wanted a pet rabbit (and I thought it the worst idea ever), they did a presentation of how a rabbit needs to be looked after and the costs. They worked out who was going to do what (feeding, cleaning up, grooming) and how they were going to pay for it (weekly deduction from their allowance). It was a great presentation, well thought out and convinced me. The rabbit is now 4 yrs old and well looked after.

Simply saying “I want one because they are cute and fluffy” doesn’t work, neither does “I don’t want to go to church because I don’t feel like it” (which is where they are at right now).

[Anonymous]

conflicted testimony wrote:

Simply saying “I want one because they are cute and fluffy” doesn’t work, neither does “I don’t want to go to church because I don’t feel like it” (which is where they are at right now).

Exactly.

With kids, they need boundaries and they need parents. As much as I love my kids, I can’t go ask them what they want to do on everything…sometimes they need to get with the family program and be a part of what goes on in our house.

As they get older, they’ll test the boundaries and they’ll either rebel or find independence one way or another. So it takes loving patience (and sometimes long-suffering) to guide them without forcing them without being an irresponsible parent.

I have found talking to them a lot helps. We may not agree, and they may have to go to church or have other privileges taken away, but at least we talk about it to try to understand each other.

My 18 yr old daughter just left for college last week. With her, I made her go when she was young, she didn’t want to go when there was YW drama but I made her go because that wasn’t a good reason. Then she wanted to go and was completely dedicated, getting her YW award at age 14. By the time she was 17 she stopped going because she could no longer believe the church was what it claimed to be. That is a more valid reason, especially as she substituted this church service with going to church with friends…so she was searching and I could not blame her. The weeks before she left for college, she chose to go to church with me on her own. She just liked the feeling of it, even if she has questions about it.

I like to see the kids take it serious they are thinking about church, and their feelings around it. If they are just being lazy and don’t want to go…well, then I make them so they get guidance.

But yes, my daughter was judged and told she was falling away and she needed to see the bishop. That did NOT help her want to come back. But she did when she wanted to and when she didn’t care so much about the judging eye of others to the feeling she wanted to be there. Dealing with other people is part of the journey.

[Anonymous]

Good points, all.

I just love the delicious irony that this girl was seemingly accountable and mature enough at 8 years old to covenant with God and join the Church, but isn’t accoutable and mature enough at 16 years old to decide to not believe and not attend Church.

I’m totally down with parental responsibility – when Junior is a teen I’m sure we’ll have our share of issues with family rules and roles just like anyone else does. When it comes down to it, 99.5% of parents love their kids and are doing their best to raise their kids. There’s no magic formula for success with kids – we’re all muddling through it the best we can.

[Anonymous]

I think parents have a right to force kid to learn their traditions.

I have that right too, and if I lived in Salem A couple hundred years…I would be burned as an heretic.

In our family, our kids go when we go. We have a, we go to church as a family, or we stay home as a family, policy.

We attend Mormon church about 6 times a year, Catholic mass a couple times, Easter sunrise service from the local community church, and practice jewish Sadar.

All off my kids have expressed gratitude and respect, when we walked from the church. None of them really believed it or liked the programs. They were very scared to tell us how they felt.

Now, we sit out for family home evening, watch the sunset, stoke the fire, do a little beer and wine pairing for FHE, and talk about the gods and the church and the options and paths they may wish to follow…and how best we can serve the masses and this planet, and become a little more humane to humanity.

It really is quite surreal.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2

[Anonymous]

cwald wrote:

It really is quite surreal.

And if it works for you and your family I can only celebrate it.

I’d like to think that the divine creator is enough of a pragmatist to recognise that whatever leads to more good is,by definition good and godly.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

My 18 yr old daughter just left for college last week. With her, I made her go when she was young, she didn’t want to go when there was YW drama but I made her go because that wasn’t a good reason. Then she wanted to go and was completely dedicated, getting her YW award at age 14. By the time she was 17 she stopped going because she could no longer believe the church was what it claimed to be. That is a more valid reason, especially as she substituted this church service with going to church with friends…so she was searching and I could not blame her. The weeks before she left for college, she chose to go to church with me on her own. She just liked the feeling of it, even if she has questions about it.

I like to see the kids take it serious they are thinking about church, and their feelings around it. If they are just being lazy and don’t want to go…well, then I make them so they get guidance.

But yes, my daughter was judged and told she was falling away and she needed to see the bishop. That did NOT help her want to come back. But she did when she wanted to and when she didn’t care so much about the judging eye of others to the feeling she wanted to be there. Dealing with other people is part of the journey.

Some kids can weather that judgment and still feel like they can take their place at the table again, but it’s really a sensitive thing. They can smell in an instant when the wind shifts and they become a project – even a “mini” project. Some of the supposed concern that their church peers are showing them is really disguised criticism or resentment of some kind. (They’re ALL kids and have regular adolescent issues swirling around.) Even if they talk to a parent, it can be very distressing and alienating. With tears in her eyes my daughter recently said, “Now I know how ______________ felt.” So, if nothing else, she’s developed more empathy.

[Anonymous]

Ya, this is a personal choice. Personally I really dislike any forced traditions on kids.

It is there choice. It’s more about them making a choice then it is about what choice they make. But they need to learn to make it and own it. Kids are a lot more trust worthy and “grown up” then most parents, not all. Give them credit for.

It’s just common to give the kids little trust and talk to them in a childish way instead of adult conversation as a default method. Then again I’m not to keen on self preservation of self or family identity. Each person is unique, and develops their own identity over time if not given repetition and exposure to a limited setting.

It helps to give kids time and many tools to find there own path and make it thee own. If they really love your culture or traditions or church they will come around on the own and own it. They may not, and that scares some people to try to force the situation. But forcing doesn’t change the situation, only delays it for awhile. Learning to deal with the situation is probably more helpful. Each person is unique and should cultivate tyre own beliefs and traditions and culture, individually of there parents or peers. They need to be taught to be themselves, guided to find themselves.

[Anonymous]

Kumahito wrote:

I just love the delicious irony that this girl was seemingly accountable and mature enough at 8 years old to covenant with God and join the Church, but isn’t accoutable and mature enough at 16 years old to decide to not believe and not attend Church.

I see baptism as a rite of passage. I do believe that it can be coupled with a sincere “covenant with God” in some mature children – but at what percentage I couldn’t begin to guess.

When my FC was still rather fresh our bishop said that we had made certain obligations at baptism and that these obligations were unconditional. No matter what else might happen in our lives, we must comply or be covenant breakers. It boggles my mind that I, as an 8 year old with significant family and societal pressure to be baptised, could make a binding commitment that would hold for the rest of my life – come hell or high water.

I believe that bishop to have been sincere, perhaps he was just more motivated by duty than your average joe.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

Kumahito wrote:

I just love the delicious irony that this girl was seemingly accountable and mature enough at 8 years old to covenant with God and join the Church, but isn’t accoutable and mature enough at 16 years old to decide to not believe and not attend Church.

I see baptism as a rite of passage. I do believe that it can be coupled with a sincere “covenant with God” in some mature children – but at what percentage I couldn’t begin to guess.

When my FC was still rather fresh our bishop said that we had made certain obligations at baptism and that these obligations were unconditional. No matter what else might happen in our lives, we must comply or be covenant breakers. It boggles my mind that I, as an 8 year old with significant family and societal pressure to be baptised, could make a binding commitment that would hold for the rest of my life – come hell or high water.

I believe that bishop to have been sincere, perhaps he was just more motivated by duty than your average joe.

Yes the double standard. While I do believe I’m commitment as a progression type, no promises can be given without a condition. When I am asked to make a promise not written in my own heart but was prepared by someone else, I always auto rewrite it, I may be forced to say it out loud for their purpose, but my heart has a different way of putting that commitment and as I say what they want to hear out loud, I rephrase it in my mind and tell god that is what is from my heart and that is what I really mean and commit to, not this prepared speech written from someone else.

I wonder what they would say if I told them that.

That’s not just a church issue, it’s the pledge of allegiance, work or other government promises where I am forced to quote a prepared speech that I did not write. It’s how I can go with a general promise or progress but not adhere to what I do not agree with word for word that wasn’t my language.

[Anonymous]

Kumahito wrote:

I just love the delicious irony that this girl was seemingly accountable and mature enough at 8 years old to covenant with God and join the Church, but isn’t accoutable and mature enough at 16 years old to decide to not believe and not attend Church.

Great thread and comments, Kumahito… I will simply point out for the record that most people exhibit more maturity when they are 8 than they do when they are 16… Bazzinga! (thanks for the idea, Sheldon).

[Author]

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