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I have a question that’s been bothering me for a while. I realize no one will have a definitive answer, however, impressions would be appreciated to perhaps generate possible answers to my question. Many of you know that I was a leader in a Ward for some time, got burned out after over 3 years from juggling graduate school, two jobs, and a hefty calling. I eventually asked to be released due to the demand on my time, was told it would happen, and then after an agonizingly long period, four months later, with no communication in between, was finally released.
I contacted my HC to see what was happening during the four month period, and he never had any answers — said he knew nothing about it. I stopped functioning after two months during that interim period, reduced my Church attendance (because I felt truly upset that each Sunday would go by with no announcement, and was just plain DONE with the calling) blaming it on health issues. I also wanted to create a bit of a crisis to get them moving, and delegated most things to one of my assistants.
Then quorum members started visiting me like I was less active since my Church attendance was spotty. It was a high profile calling in the Ward, unfortunately, and eventually, when people asked why I was so absent half the time, I got tired of leaning on the health issues, and didn’t hide the fact that I was distrubed at the apparent lack of communication or caring from the stake leaders at my mental and physical stress after being told they would release me. (I had also undergone surgery at this time, and I had a child who got very sick with a chronic disease that requires daily care, plus a FT/PT job and school, all things that happened during the period I awaited release).
When I was finally officially released, I expressed some disapproval to the High Councilor for how indifferent the STake seemed by not communicating with me about what was going on after such a long passage of time. He just changed the subject, almost proudly. So, at the Ward and Stake level, it was widely known that I was disturbed by the apparent neglect of the stake who knew my situation in the leadership. The Ward Bishopric left me alone for a couple months, and then called me to a lightweight calling which I accepted, and still have. By all outward appearances, I’m an active TR-holder, but inside, I still feel jaundiced about the expectations that we serve where, when and however they want, but that when its time to be released, they don’t seem to care.
Now my question. I’ve had meetings with our Bishop over other things (like permission to call my wife to a hefty calling) and see him often. Yet he, the stake leaders or HC have never approached me during or after that period when my attendance or less activity was spotty. They have never sat down to talk about it, or even broached the subject with me. The only comment I got was “we’ve been giving you space” when a Bishop’s counsellor called me to the lightweight position a couple months after my release, and then moved on to the next subject. And then a year later, our Bishop commented to my wife that I had “a rough experience as a Ward leader”, and that he was giving me a break, but it wouldn’t last forever. Our HC and SP members politely shake my hand but never initiate any real conversation. When they visited the Ward to install the new priesthood leadership, they didn’t speak to me, thank me personally, or anything. It was as if I had never served in the calling.
My question — why did these men never ask me about what happened, even when I was in the thick of it and it was obviously affecting my activity? Why such indifference? There are times when I wish I could just be open about the impact their behavior had on me during that period, and at least express some thoughts about the need to treat people with respect, notwithstanding the fact that this is the Lord’s church and we are encouraged to do what we are told (putting it bluntly) in the name of obedience. You have read my posts here, many of you, and the Stake’s behavior has really jaded my view of Church service. I even shared my plight with my family at one point, who commented that in this situation, the leaders didn’t show much interpersonal sensitivity or respect.
For me, this is an issue that needs to be resolved before they put me back into a hefty calling again.
Can anyone comment on why there is such indifference — almost ignoring what happened at that time? Or is it just that this is far more important to me than anyone else? I personally feel this burning desire to initiate a conversation about it with them, but I’m afraid of being labelled apostate etcetera, or simply harping on personal issues they just don’t care about. I feel that at some point, I need to get this off my chest to someone in authority either for therapeutic reasons, or even to feel that perhaps I’ve helped shape the thinking of a Stake/Ward leader about callings and releases, and the negative impact they can have when they are not handled well. But I’m very cautious in this regard given the experiences many people have when they are open with local leaders about opinions or beliefs that are contrary to culture.
Thoughts welcome about why they have this indifference they showed during, and shortly after the eventual release — were they embarrassed afterward? Did they feel I was wrong in asking for a release, and deal with it by ignoring it? Are they leaning on our SP’s preaching that you never ask to be released, so I am therefore a diluted heretic? Are they just plain proud? Frankly, I’m puzzled by their behavior. And it causes me to think repeatedly that local leaders tend to take our service for granted. It’s a stumbling block to my taking on any more high-commitment callings again.
You are very agitated by this (and justified). On a conscious level (but probably more unconscious level) they might be sensing it. They know this broke you in some way. They are in similar high pressure callings, trying to juggle it all (a guess). To truly see your problem could require them to see their own problems. It’s easier to ignore. If they don’t bring up a VERY uncomfortable subject, they won’t have to deal with a very uncomfortable subject. Many people can sense when someone is upset at them. It sounds like you really need to talk to some people about it, to clear it up spiritually between you and them. You don’t have to bring up any theological doubts or historical controversies. The way it was handled hurt you. That is what you felt. You should find some way to just tell them, the people you need to tell. That might be the way to eventually forgive them and allow you to let go, so it doesn’t keep eating you up inside.
My $0.02 on it. Not sure if that helps, or even if I am right. That’s what I see.
Brian Johnston wrote:You are very agitated by this (and justified). On a conscious level (but probably more unconscious level) they might be sensing it. They know this broke you in some way. They are in similar high pressure callings, trying to juggle it all (a guess). To truly see your problem could require them to see their own problems. It’s easier to ignore. If they don’t bring up a VERY uncomfortable subject, they won’t have to deal with a very uncomfortable subject. Many people can sense when someone is upset at them.
Thanks for that perspective. They did know I was agitated about it — definitely, on a conscious level — I’m sure my assistant told them when I stopped attending. At the Ward level, they know it was the Stake who dropped the ball. I was never very disturbed by the Ward leaders. One theory I hadn’t thought of, based on your comment, is that they experienced similar things with the Stake President, but can’t, for obvious reasons, empathize with me.
Quote:It sounds like you really need to talk to some people about it, to clear it up spiritually between you and them. You don’t have to bring up any theological doubts or historical controversies. The way it was handled hurt you. That is what you felt. You should find some way to just tell them, the people you need to tell. That might be the way to eventually forgive them and allow you to let go, so it doesn’t keep eating you up inside.
My $0.02 on it. Not sure if that helps, or even if I am right. That’s what I see.
One close friend in the Church told me the same thing around the time I was ready for a release. I honestly felt they wouldn’t care given their behavior. I feel quite jaded whenever the HC gets up there and says “The Stake President cares about you” like the CHI says, or used to direct HC’s to say as standard verbiage at HC Ward visits.
I was doing well with this, but the Bishop’s statement that I wouldn’t get a break forever, and some big changes in our Ward have me believing there is something on the horizon that will provide a high level of commitment again. I don’t feel I can accept a big calling with this precedent outstanding previously. Yes, we can avoid doctrinal issues etcetera, but it still runs against the grain of criticizing your local leaders to express this. Others will also react with “you need to let go of this” since it happened a year ago. However, for me it’s a current issue when they want me to knock myself out again. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen — to myself, and others — although this last experience was extreme.
I just started a post-graduate program, and it’s time consuming….last time I mentioned heavy school commitment when I was first called, they pushed for me to accept the calling anyway. I took it, and then, you know the ending….I can’t let that happen again or I truly will not return for a long time.
If I say “I will accept this, but given the demands on my time, I need to know that you will handle any requests for a release within a reasonable period, say, a month. If you can’t find a replacement in that time, then I would appreciate simply being released, being called to something else, and letting the position remain vacant until you find someone”.
Problem is, you can’t negotiate this way with leaders in the Church; it’s not the culture. Further, as leaders change, who knows if anyone will remember the commitment. My only choice, therefore, seems to be to just say “No”….
More thoughts welcome from others. I do want to understand possible motives for the fact they seem to be so indifferent, even if it’s a guess. If find their behavior baffling. We put all this effort into reactivation, yet seem not to care about the people we rely on to get the job done; it’s very hard for me to get my head around it.
SilentDawning wrote:…I was a leader in a Ward for some time, got burned out after over 3 years from juggling graduate school, two jobs, and a hefty calling. I eventually asked to be released due to the demand on my time, was told it would happen, and then after an agonizingly long period, four months later, with no communication in between, was finally released.
…Thoughts welcome about why they have this indifference they showed during, and shortly after the eventual release…Did they feel I was wrong in asking for a release, and deal with it by ignoring it? Are they leaning on our SP’s preaching that you never ask to be released, so I am therefore a diluted heretic? Are they just plain proud? Frankly, I’m puzzled by their behavior.
Maybe they forgot about it or were hoping you would forget about it or change your mind if they just ignored your request for a while because they didn’t want to go through the hassle of trying to find a replacement. I don’t agree with the way they acted at all but this behavior doesn’t really surprise me based on what I have seen in the Church so far. I think many Church leaders basically just take it for granted that members will continue to put up with heavy burdens and do what they are asked to mostly out of a sense of obligation to fulfill their responsibilities until further notice.
One of many things I would change about the Church if I could would be to eliminate some of the callings that need to be filled and reduce the amount of “voluntary” work we expect out of most members. I know some members are completely inactive mostly because they want to avoid being hassled by Church leaders about callings, tithing settlement, etc. and they feel awkward about saying no. Meanwhile, it seems like the Church still wants all active members to have callings as a general policy.
I sympathize with how you feel, Though I have had a death in the family, an assumptive world collapse, and bouts of attending an evangelical church, I remain in a leadership calling. I’m sure it all could be very humorous, “What does it take to get released anyway?”
😆 My Bishop is recovering from cancer. In talking to him about the potential release of my wife from her very demanding calling, he relayed a conversation that occurred between him and the SP.
The SP was musing about how much adversity and pressure is enough to justify asking for a release from a calling. My dear Bishop asked if the SP was insinuating that given his limited health he should step down as Bishop.
Our SP reportedly said that he actually had been referring to himself. His wife was very sick with a terminal illness (she has since died and our SP has been released). But his conclusion for himself could also apply to the Bishop, or to my wife; only the individual can really know when it is appropriate and good and God sanctioned to ask for a release.
So- I deal with my struggle by being semi-active, fulfilling some parts of my calling and not worrying about the others. The SP was released. But my Bishop is still there plugging away despite his ill health. It makes we want to give him a big hug.
We are all human. Sometimes in our humanness, we hurt each other.
Stealth Bishop wrote: “I’m sure we would all be shocked to learn what goes on in the hearts and minds of the people we come in contact with. I would hope if they knew what I was going through they would be compassionate and see that I am trying to do the best I can.”
maybe because we’re all human and really suck at some things I don’t mean that to be flippant, but I’ve seen both extremes – true indifference occasionally and simple lack of understanding of how to deal with a difficult situation many times. I can picture quite easily a stake or ward leader praying, “If it be possible, take this decision from me – ’cause I just don’t know what to do.” Maybe the heavens were silent in your situation, and leaving it up to “us” caused issues for everyone involved. Maybe you and they learned from it; maybe only you did; maybe you haven’t learned enough from it yet; maybe they haven’t learned enough from it yet; maybe, maybe, maybe.
Honestly, I don’t know – but it brought you here and to a more mature faith. Hopefully, that will continue – and, hopefully, you will continue to build an even more mature faith and discover how to use that new faith to help others in a way that you weren’t able to be helped. I know my own bouts with unemployment have made me MUCH more understanding of and compassionate toward others in dificult financial situations than I would have been without my times of unemployment.
I think that’s worth considering, at least.
Two things. First of all if that’s the way you feel then that’s the way it is. Second, some people are good at sensing what people need and other’s wouldn’t tumble to the fact that you’re at the end of your string until you drop dead or go postal in the middle of PEC, throw down your recommend, and run screaming from the room. The best thing is to speak up and when someone says they didn’t realize that things had gotten that bad, understand they probably didn’t but that it’s not personal. I guess there’s a third. When you’re called the next time, understand it’s probably less inspiration and more what seemed like a good idea. And if it’s doesn’t feel right to you, remember the immortal words of Nancy Reagan, “Just say no.” Hi Silent Dawning, I am so glad you expressed your feelings to us. I really care how you feel and what you are going through. Personally, I think people get burned out and over worked in the church sometimes. One reason is that there are two few who are willing to hold callings or do their jobs so that it gets loaded on those who you can count on. I recall my dad at 82 and horrible health being asked by his bishop to do a calling in Mesa Arizona years ago. My dad told his bishop that he was in really bad health and was not sure if he could do callings anymore. His poor bishop said, “You know brother……, you have always been our most faithful and valiant leader in our ward and I really hate asking you, but everyone else has turned me down. I can’t get anyone to accept this calling. My dad felt so bad for this bishop so he accepted it.
When my bishop was at my house the other day talking to my husband, my husband told him that one of the things he liked about the Nazerene church we have been attending is that they have a paid ministry. My husband said that he does not feel pressured all the time there and can learn and enjoy the meetings. I think this bishop was probably thinking he would like a break too. When my husband was in medical school ( which was greuling and I hardly ever saw him and we had 3 kids and I worked a full time job) he was called to be Elders Q. Pres. It was a horrible time and way too much on our marriage and family. Our oldest son who was 13 at the time wrote a letter to the bishop and told him he better release his dad soon or his parents will divorce. My husband got released immeadiately thank goodness. This precious 13 year old son did a suicide attempt soon after that while my 11 year old was caught shoplifting at the mall with friends. The church makes the quote about “no success can compensate for failure in the home,” yet members get so overloaded that the church organization becomes more important than individual families it seems.
When my husband left the church 3 years ago, he was in the high council. One of the things that disappointed him the most is that not one person in the high council or stake presidency called him to ask why. Oh sure, some would ask me how he was doing when I attended church and I would say, “Why don’t you ask him yourself. Here’s his phone number.” But, I think they just did not know what to say to him and if they got into why he left the church were afraid it would shake their own testimony. My husband told our bishop that he has never been more at peace and happy since he left. Now this is sad. So, I think we need to not personalize things too much and just do what’s best for us and our families.
The theme I hear is that yes, they dropped the ball here. While it did sound a bit flippant, Ray, the idea that they are human and just really sucked in this situation (thanks Ray) resonates with me. I also think the HC dropped the ball by not getting back to me either, and so did our Bishopric by not even broaching the subject with me when they saw it was affecting my activity.
I also echo what Bridget said about her husband’s attitude when he stopped attending. You stop attending, and they don’t even seem to care. One feels incredibly used in such situations, human tendencies to goof up considered or not. You are supposed to be this important priesthood holder carrying out the work of the Lord — a former HC said that ‘big decisions are made in the boardrooms of Fortune 500 companies, but the decisions made in your HP group leadership are more important”. But then, the TRUE importance of what we do is revealed when the burn out of such an “important leader”, and his non-performance barely makes a ripple in the agenda of the Stake Presidency. I have often felt they are just trying to plug holes in the Ward leadership and that what we do really is not all that important from their perspectives.
It seems even more ludicrous to me when you consider the way they would often put the screws to us about home teaching and the fulfillment of our callings — and then show such slothfulness in their own duties. Now, I realize they might have had trouble finding someone, but a responsible person would have at least used this highly talented HC whose talent they pulled out of his own Ward to serve in the Stake, to provide some communication. I would have lasted willingnly (but probably not enthusiastically) the full four months if there had’ve been some communication they were trying and cared about it.
The thing is, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. There have been three other instances where I’ve been extremely puzzled by the behavior of Church-related leaders when they act with sheer incompetence or indifference on issues you would THINK they would see as important. Or when they put money ahead of faith etcetera — not just related to releases.
I don’t know. My attitude now is that when they ask me to do something else in the future that takes more commitment than I’m interested in, I should just risk being labelled apostate and express my concerns in gentlemens language. Tell them politely how disturbed I was at that last situation, and that I have concerns that such indifference will be shown again should the calling be more than I can bear. Share my philosophy that when people ask to be released, and insist on it after attempts at gentle persuasion fail, and there is no immediate replacement, ask them how much longer they feel they can serve so you can find a replacement. At least this shows respect for their agency. If you can’t find someone in that time, release them, and call them to something else so they can keep progressing and serving.
On this note, I now understand something that I feel I was judgmental about for years. I would take on a leadership calling and find the
lastperson in that position had basically abdicated. Everything was a mess — messy records, no activities, no leadership, just sheer abdication and non–performance. I thought the person was lazy or slothful. I now realize that he may well have just done what I did — stopped functioning since the leaders above him never got to releasing him, and he figured he’d just take matters into his own hands. There are so many other things a person can do with their time in this life that are less frustrating than Church leadership; so the experience represents a landmark experience in my life that appears to have broken my desire to contribute to mankind in a significant way through Church leadership for the time being — perhaps forever.
Should the call to something else come, I will probably consider being open with them as politely as I can, I might just shut up and say “No”.
And as a final thought, this situation reminds me of a poster produced by a company called Descenders. It’s a spoof on the Covey posters, with jaded statements about leadership, achievement, attitude and acheivement. Check out the poster at the top left of the despair.com posters below. The text under the pyramid is below the print:
I have written a brief script about this that I read to myself when the issues above start disturbing my inner peace. A four-point set of attitude conditioners i use to counter-act the negativity created by this situation. After a couple days, I’m feeling the ability to let go of this. However, there will be pointed questions of the priesthood leader next time I’m asked to take on a calling. I get the impression reading this that the leadership in your area is just plain insensitive, a case of, “we’ll get round to it”. They probably have worries of their own, and haven’t fully appreciated what was happening to you. I get a sense that this is mainly a case of a lack of empathy, and that they have only understood what was going on AFTER the warning signs. People can be like this, especially men. My bishop is a family man, overworked in both of his jobs (which count as fulltime in my view) with a big transient ward to deal with and so I try to bother him with things as little as possible. He is a decent guy, but he deserves quality time with his wife and children too.
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