Porn–my story

[Anonymous]

This is a difficult thing to talk about, even anonymously, because it is intensely personal, but I want to. First, I want to say that about a year ago, a friend of mine got up during an EQ meeting to promote the addiction recovery program. He made a personal admission of his addiction, and how he the group has helped him. He became very tearful, and talked about his ongoing struggle, and invited others to join, without being ashamed. It was probably the most touching moment I have ever felt in church because it was a real admission of a fault with the intent to help others and ignore those who might judge. I was deeply impressed by his bravery. At the time I was about a year in my faith transition, and doubted a meeting like that would be of much benefit to me, but I decided to go as a goodwill effort to DW.

My addiction started when I was about 13 or 14, though I’m not sure that is the right term for it. Problem or habit may be more appropriate because it never affected my grades, my relationships and never interfered with my life. Except of course with regards to my mental health. I felt intense shame every time I caved, which would exacerbate the problem, because my coping mechanism was more indulgence. I talked to several bishops about it over the years, and they were all very kind and (of course) understanding about it. They told me to keep praying and reading the scriptures, to repent, to tell my dad, but told me I had to hold off from blessing or passing the sacrament. I was also told masturbation could make me gay, and to watch out for that. But the loss of privilege of blessing the sacrament was the worst. I had to tell the other priests I couldn’t bless when they assigned jobs, and they kept asking me why.

The problem followed me through my mission, through college and through my family life, always making me feel unworthy to go to the temple or give people blessings. I kept it a secret from my wife and kept trying, praying, and fasting that I could stop, so I wouldn’t have to be deceitful anymore. And really, there were several times I did stop. Sometimes for months at a time or for more than a year. But when I caved, the shame would overtake me, and one instance would become many. I thought I had to start the repentance process all over again, and I would try to bolster my spiritual self to defend against Satan’s temptations.

Finally I admitted it to my wife, and it floored her. She was hurt on a very deep level, always priding herself that she had a husband who didn’t have a problem with this stuff. Insecurities she held at bay came to the surface, and things became very rough for her. I sometimes would hear from her that if it happened again, I would be a single man. Around that time, a young couple in the church got divorced because of the husband couldn’t stop completely. So I lived in fear because I couldn’t control it, not perfectly, but I couldn’t tell her either. Years later, after thinking I had been clean, she found out I was still doing it. This was when I started my faith crisis. At this time, I had decided that I didn’t believe God cared, and that this was a silly doctrine that had been blown out of proportion. I gave myself a free pass to do it whenever I wanted and not feel bad about it. When my wife confronted me about it, I told her I would stop, but also argued that she needed to accept that I could never be perfectly clean, and that there was nothing wrong with it. She was never able to accept it, and the hurt was even worse than before. Frustrated, I became extremely angry at the church, blaming it for everything that went wrong with my life and my marriage, blaming it for teaching the young women to expect perfectly pure husbands, for teaching the young men that this is a grievous sin, for shaming us, instead of educating us.

Eventually I listened to a mormon stories podcast about masturbation, and felt vindicated, because they were right there with me, talking about the harm these teachings cause to men, and how these practices could actually be healthy, and that balance and perspective were much better than sheer will power when it came to overcoming this. Then, both John and the guest talked about how you still should stop if you are hurting your spouse by doing this. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow–I had left the shame and the guilt and liberated myself after decades of struggle–and it felt good. But to hear that I still needed to stop was difficult. I knew it was right though, I was hurting her on a very deep level, and I needed to stop. But learning to stop for her, and for no one else, made it better than doing it for personal purity. So I went to those addiction recovery meetings to show her I was trying. They are very Christ focused, taking the 12 step program and adapting it to LDS doctrine and style. And it was good to open up to others and to share their struggles. It was uplifting to see others overcoming their shame and fear of being seen by a member of their ward. And for a while my wife went to the spouse support group. We both were a little shocked to find out that the people who were there were the most active and outgoing men in the ward, in some of the highest callings. This confirmed what I had suspected, that nearly every grown man in the ward has this struggle. And no wonder we have so many talks about this, ITS A HUGE PROBLEM THAT AFFECTS ALMOST EVERYONE. But it’s a problem that the church has made ridiculously bigger than it needs to be, and they’re going about it in this insanely counterproductive way. Anyway, I stopped going to the meetings. They didn’t really help me, and It was just too uncomfortable having an old man moderate the whole thing–they really should just be run by the people attending, without an overseer. What actually did help me was exercising. I exercised everyday. It also helped to have a healthy perspective. I was doing this out of love for my wife, to regain her trust. Since she found out almost a year ago, I have looked at zero porn. I have masturbated a couple times, but without the shame, I found I could do it once and move on. Yes, I still feel bad when it happens, because my wife is hurt by it, but I don’t get caught in a cycle of repeating the behavior like I did before. I also have a rule that I only think of my wife when it happens, because to me, the real betrayal is not the act, but the fantasy.

The residual from all this is that my wife still has deep insecurities and major trust issues with me that I am trying hard to repair. I had a talk with my dad about it and he told me it took 10 years for my mom to trust him after something he did early in the marriage. 10 years! It has been a year of me being a very dependable person, and things are not much better with her, so I guess I will have to be patient and let her heal, and I try not to get discouraged. But I have to admit, it is extremely difficult–I get falsely accused of many things, questioned about my whereabouts (I have never, ever, been involved in any way with an extramarital romance), watched closely, and I have to provide constant reassurance and affection. I do love her though, so I bear with it all, hoping at some point, this will be behind us.

I tell this partly because I felt the need to finally tell my story, and partly to help anyone struggling with this to find inspiration in trying something new. I also hope maybe someone in a leadership position might read this and gain a new perspective, and hopefully softening their stance, or changing their approach to treat this issue more appropriately. The mental health this problem causes it not from “sinning,” it is from shame and guilt. The marital problems caused by this problem is only made worse by the poor and unhealthy way we are taught about it in church. My friend admitted his problem publicly, but I am not that brave yet. But if I ever feel like an opportunity is presented where hearts are open and I can help, I will build up the courage to talk more openly about it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Anonymous]

Congratulations in your recovery. I’m recovering from the same type of addictions. Mine began when I was about 12 or 13. I’m 38 now and I’m doing very well in my recovery. I hardly ever masturbate or watch porn anymore. I agree there’s too much shaming in the church over these issues, but the church is slowing getting better. I listened to that wonderful episode of Mormon Stories. Natasha Parker gives some great advice. :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing. It was clearly difficult for you to do so, but you can be assured that this willing openness on your part will be of help to someone else here.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations – whatever your addiction is. Addiction is an octopus and it is so strong. Well done for fighting that monster and winning. Thank you for choosing to share it with us. Anytime anyone overcomes something like this it is inspiring for someone else.

You wrote

Quote:

only made worse by the poor and unhealthy way we are taught about it in church

Yes, churches need to get out of the therapy business in many places. It really does do more damage. For a therapist to suggest a person turn to Christ or a Deity is one thing, for a religious leader (LDS or not) to instruct others on a psychological issue is another.

I pray for you and your wife, may healing come to you both.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations. I’m glad your wife is at the heart of your motivation. I’m non-judgmental about such things, as I suffered from huge guilt feelings when I was single and dated girls and things got “heavy” but not crossing any lines that would lead to a council.

There was once a book called “Sex without guilt” that was popular in the 80’s. At the time I thought I should write a book called “Guilt without Sex” which would be a story of how the church makes it even harder on people who fall into sexual problems.

I am glad you recognize the church’s role in making this harder than it needs to be. I have found the church has contributed to the hardship in my life many ways through policies that affect me, but don’t really apply to me. And how church experience can trigger massive guilt and unhappiness when repentence could be so much easier in an atmosphere of affirmation and looking forward.

No real advice, just to say I hear you on a number of different levels about the negative effect of the church on your life in this challenge. And to place boundaries on what influence you allow the church to have on your mental health.

[Anonymous]

startpoor wrote:

Then, both John and the guest talked about how you still should stop if you are hurting your spouse by doing this. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow–I had left the shame and the guilt and liberated myself after decades of struggle–and it felt good. But to hear that I still needed to stop was difficult. I knew it was right though, I was hurting her on a very deep level, and I needed to stop. But learning to stop for her, and for no one else, made it better than doing it for personal purity.

Thanks for sharing this and being so honest. I imagine this thread will help others. Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

I think that p-n is a difficult one. I don’t see it entirely as an addiction in the sense of gambling or heroin, it’s more like a natural instinct (I nearly wrote “basic instinct” there 😆 ) which is being misdirected. In that sense it’s more like eating disorders, which are again instinct misdirected.

That said, there are addictive aspects of it. Some people collect huge libraries of it, or fill up their hard drives with it, and spend a lot of money on it. That’s when it becomes a true addiction.

Personally I find most of it ridiculous. The actors look stupid, and are usually full of implants etc, and the acting, music, storylines etc are even worse. The odd thing is that pornography is rarely erotic, which is what it’s supposed to be.

I think there is a convergence of mainstream culture with p-n and I have discussed this elsewhere, where the dividing line is.

[Anonymous]

SamBee wrote:

That said, there are addictive aspects of it. Some people collect huge libraries of it, or fill up their hard drives with it, and spend a lot of money on it. That’s when it becomes a true addiction.

I read a book on sex addiction once. The men would tend to take big risks to watch porn to the point of losing their jobs and families. The women in the book seemed to sleep with a man on the first date even after promising themselves that they wouldn’t. Essentially they seemed to have other unresolved issues that made them addictable.

I agree with you that zero tolerance expectations are not helpful. I believe a basic understanding of how men are wired is generally lacking. For my entire youth I was constantly wondering about the difference between normal, healthy, sexual interest and perversion. (I recently noted that sex was listed as one of the basic needs in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)

I believe that masterbation can be an outlet and a release. Separating this from porn is a great idea IMO. It can allow you to get through a dry spell sex wise (due to distance, pregnancy/childbirth, or other factors) without trying to shut off your libido. This can actually be a big help in staying away from porn.

So basically, you are a completely normal guy AND I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to strengthen the relationship with your wife. Overall I think there is room for compromise and understanding on both sides.

[Anonymous]

startpoor wrote:

My addiction started when I was about 13 or 14, though I’m not sure that is the right term for it. Problem or habit may be more appropriate because it never affected my grades, my relationships and never interfered with my life…The problem followed me through my mission, through college and through my family life, always making me feel unworthy to go to the temple or give people blessings. I kept it a secret from my wife and kept trying, praying, and fasting that I could stop, so I wouldn’t have to be deceitful anymore. And really, there were several times I did stop. Sometimes for months at a time or for more than a year. But when I caved, the shame would overtake me, and one instance would become many….Finally I admitted it to my wife, and it floored her…I sometimes would hear from her that if it happened again, I would be a single man. Around that time, a young couple in the church got divorced because of the husband couldn’t stop completely. So I lived in fear because I couldn’t control it, not perfectly, but I couldn’t tell her either. Years later, after thinking I had been clean, she found out I was still doing it…I was hurting her on a very deep level, and I needed to stop. But learning to stop for her, and for no one else, made it better than doing it for personal purity. So I went to those addiction recovery meetings to show her I was trying…the people who were there were the most active and outgoing men in the ward, in some of the highest callings. This confirmed what I had suspected, that nearly every grown man in the ward has this struggle. And no wonder we have so many talks about this…But it’s a problem that the church has made ridiculously bigger than it needs to be, and they’re going about it in this insanely counterproductive way. Anyway, I stopped going to the meetings. They didn’t really help me…

I appreciate your honesty and wish you the best of luck in trying to overcome this struggle but personally hearing your story mostly made me feel angry again because it brought back many bad memories and made me think about how many members of the Church have gone through very similar experiences and I can’t help but think that if no one ever said anything about porn in the Church it would have actually been better overall for most of the people involved. It just seems like any men that are ever going to stop viewing porn permanently simply because they think it’s wrong and/or because their wife isn’t happy about it would already do so on their own without needing to hear about it so much in the Church.

On the other hand, it looks like the main thing the Church’s hard-line zero tolerance approach to porn has really accomplished more often than not is that it has simply resulted in many men hiding it and pretending they don’t like it and many women feeling even more upset about it if they ever find out about their husband’s secret porn habit than they would have been otherwise by setting the unrealistic expectation that this should never happen when it is certainly going to continue to happen more than ever thanks to the internet. If anything the constant guilt-trips, secret and forbidden status, and/or the typical binge/purge cycle of shame largely reinforced by the Church probably only adds to the compulsion many men feel to view porn even more than they would otherwise.

Also, as far as I’m concerned some of the hype we repeatedly hear about porn “addiction” is the worst kind of pseudoscience. To me a real addict would be someone that views porn at work, spends so much time or money on porn that they can’t function very well in everyday life, etc. In reality many Church members only view porn a few times per month at most and some of them go months or even years without viewing it but because they haven’t stopped completely many in the Church still call them porn addicts. It basically looks like just another way to try to browbeat men into submission and make it sound like any men that don’t want to stop viewing porn are supposedly abnormal and some kind of deviant pervert.

In reality there is nothing abnormal about it because it sounds like a high majority of men view porn occasionally nowadays and it’s not really their fault that they naturally like to see naked women, sex, etc. so much so even if some men have basically suppressed their natural instincts there really is no lasting cure for this. Then there are various anti-porn crusaders that apparently think that they can actually win this battle or significantly reduce the popularity of porn over the long term by spreading propaganda about how terrible and wrong this supposedly is. It reminds me of the Young Turks making fun of the BYU-Idaho video about the wounded soldier on the battlefield where they said something to the effect that, “if ever there was a war that is more futile than the war on drugs, this is it.”

[Anonymous]

My experience is that almost all men struggle with this at some point in their lives – also virtually all young people, both genders, experiment with it during their youth. Pornography is everywhere and is difficult to avoid.

There is some evidence that the church knows about the pervasiveness of pornography and is taking steps to approach it in a more healthy manner. I was recently told by someone who met with one of the Q12 that one of the reasons the missionaries have ipads is to teach them responsible usage of technology. This member of the Q12 said that it’s better to have someone masturbating and viewing pornography on their mission than doing it at home. At least on the mission they are surrounded by people trying to overcome it and better themselves. This Q12 member also said that technology isn’t going anywhere – it’s going to get more and more ubiquitous and so will porn – we’ll have to teach ourselves and our youth how to handle it. Handling it isn’t disciplining, sending missionaries home, or divorcing ourselves from technology.

One person told me he couldn’t go to counseling because he couldn’t tell his wife about his addiction. He had struggled with it in the past and was having a recurrence of sorts, and his wife had issued an ultimatum that if she caught him with porn one more time their marriage was over.

Porn may be a chronic problem we give people better tools to work with. Husbands and wives may have different tools and may need different viewpoints, and divorce isn’t necessarily the best solution in all cases. I frequently wonder if talking about pornography in General Conference or Sacrament meeting puts more focus on it and makes the problem worse by reminding men how enticing it is.

[Anonymous]

kinda random thought. If a current LDS GA publicly acknowledged engageing in masterbation from time to time how would that affect how the organization views that person, their role as a leader, and masterbation in general?

Theoretically LDS teachings on masterbation within marriage are pretty scetchy/grey area and what is completely acceptable to one LDS couple may not be to another. So I imagine it would be a matter of controversy if that individual was doing anything wrong. Even if it was undecided wether or not the individual was guilty of wrongdoing I imagine that their credibility as a role model for the youth would be shot. Perhaps they would be quietly moved to emeritus status. Just my random musings…

[Anonymous]

For Men its Porn

For Women is Modesty i.e. shoulder’s, knee’s, collar bones, thighs and swimwear.

Maybe we’ve caused our own problem. If LDS women could wear something sexy once in a while, a sleeveless dress, short’s (not capri’s), sexy lingerie – would porn be quite as enticing.

If you can get the goods at home, why shop?

P.S. I am not promoting pole dancing – that’s a biblical thing.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

If a current LDS GA publicly acknowledged engageing in masterbation from time to time how would that affect how the organization views that person, their role as a leader, and masterbation in general?

I think one of the most interesting quotes from a leader (don’t think they are actually a GA, but sure seems like being the Pres of BYU or BYUI is the apostle apprenticeship) was from the BYUI President Kim Clark:

Quote:

I would frame it this way. Masturbation is a behavior that, if continued, could over time lead to things that are sinful

http://time.com/5310/university-president-explains-world-war-i-anti-pornography-video/” class=”bbcode_url”>http://time.com/5310/university-president-explains-world-war-i-anti-pornography-video/

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Do the church and the school see masturbation as a sin?

Well, it is interesting. I would frame it this way. Masturbation is a behavior that, if continued, could over time lead to things that are sinful, so the counsel that the church gives to its leaders is to counsel with young people to help them understand that their bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost. That comes right out of Corinthians, that is what Paul taught, and it is a beautiful doctrine—that our bodies are a great gift from God and we need to take good care of them, and that the procreative powers that God has given us, he cares very much about how they are used, and so that we need to learn to use them in ways that are in accordance with his will and his mind.

Yeah LH,

That is not very clear at all. The FSOY paphlet doesn’t talk about masterbation at all. Instead talking about not causing sexual feeling in self or others. This gets even murkier when we try to understand what the counsel is for married persons – persons that are encouraged and expected to be sexual in more than just a procreative way.

The key in my mind is for both members of the marriage to have an understanding of what is acceptable sexuality wise in the marriage. If your spouse views masturbation as infidelity then it doesn’t matter what other people think. In my own marriage M is ok but porn would be a major breach of trust. DW and I are not role models for anyone but we love each other, are committed to each other, and know and honor each other’s expectations.

I just wish it could be known that married faithful Mormons can engage in masturbation, oral, sexplay, toys etc. within their marriage and still hold temple recommends. I wish that there was more room for healthy sexual expression and expiramentation within marriage in the church without so much guilt, shame, and secrecy.

[Author]

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