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OK well I cannot believe how much I’m using this resource. However, it’s really the only support I have right now or so it seems. If you’ve come across any of my previous questions, you’ll know that I’ve struggled with things dealing with the church and what not.
Anyways, I’m 20 years old and a community college student living at home. And I’m single. Yes, the dreadful time of life, especially when you’re a member of this church. Basically, I’ve noticed that almost everyone I’ve known throughout high school and what not is getting married now and living what seem to be very happy lives. Meanwhile, you’ve this single guy (me) over here. Heck, I’ve never even had a girlfriend at all in my life. While I’m happy that these people are getting married, I cannot tell you how much pressure I feel at the moment. Keep in mind, these are 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 year olds that are getting married! I’m happy for these people, I really am. They’re finding their true love and marrying them, no problem with that. But sometimes you just feel so odd when you’re single and you see all these other happy people. And not to mention, I’m beginning to feel weird that I’m not “seeing someone” or dating and what not right now. I just know that this is something the church emphasizes on a lot. Especially for YSA’s like me. I just honestly haven’t found the right girl yet. It’s not like I’m super anxious to get married or anything though, I just feel pressure right now. Keep in mind, I live in a very active LDS area of the U.S. Not Utah, but another place. Basically, you follow the TRENDS. Or else, you’ll be considered weird in LDS Culture. It’s sad, I know. I understand that I’m not the only person in this spot, but it sure feels like it. Especially when your friendship circle/support is really down to 1-2 people. And it wasn’t even that big before that.
I’m moving to a University that’s 99 miles away so I’m guessing that might be my remedy of all this. I really hope so. Because while I’m happy for them, I cannot stand getting those invites on Facebook to X’s wedding reception and what not.
While I said before I’m not into getting married at all, and I really don’t feel like becoming interested in the subject till I have my 4 year college degree.
I really don’t go to my local singles ward either. Mostly because it contains the very kids I heavily despised in high school. You know, the super popular ones who only accepted you if you were rich like them. I hate my family ward as well, it’s almost the same thing, just with older adults.
I feel like I’m ready to leave and that I don’t have anything left for me here in my hometown. Not a girl, not many friends except 1 or 2 and that’s about it.
I’m sorry If I sound like I’m just ranting. I just really don’t know who else to go to about this. I am NOT trying to throw some pity party either, if it seems that way. I forgot to mention I struggle from some MAJOR self esteem issues.
Quote:I feel like I’m ready to leave and that I don’t have anything left for me here in my hometown.
I don’t mean this to be flippant, really, but that describes me at your age – and quite a large percentage of my friends.
I’ve said for a long, long time that leaving home and living on one’s own is an important step toward independent adulthood – and I wish more people did it. Missions fill that need for many, and education does it for others, but it almost ought to be required for most people.
Like me, I think you’ll be happier when you set your own boundaries. We must compromise with others on some things, but not all things. I cut my grass to appease my neighbors, but they get no say in what I wear, and I couldn’t give a monkey’s if they think I’m weird. I don’t offend, but I don’t conform either.
And the people that annoy you? Some of them have a crash coming, and you know what? Some will be better for it in the long run. Some will divorce. Some will lose their money. Get seriously ill. Have faith/life crises. Just be kind to them when they do.
Yeah, I was very much like you at this age, too. I didn’t marry until I was 30 and I do not regret that in the least. I do recall the “third wheel” feeling when friends became engaged started to marry, though. This,too, shall pass. Moving off to university should be a good thing for you, and you’ll make new friends there most of who are not married.
I think the LDS marriage culture is divisive and destructive in a lot of ways, at least for many. If you conform to the pressure to marry, then suddenly you are pressed into the ‘have many children’ culture, so you really just trade one thing for another. I think there not only needs to be room at the table for everyone; there also needs to be a mind shift that it’s okay marry late, or to not marry at all. Some people (and I’m not implying this for you), are simply not cut out for it, others are not ready by the ages you mention and others have other important things that they should be doing. There are many unhappy spouses married to people who should not be married.
My spouse is emerging from a serious struggle with depression that lasted most of her adult life that in no small measure was due to marrying early, giving up her educational goals and living most of an adult life that she didn’t want to lead, one which imprisoned her extremely bright mind in a 30 year drudge march. Much of this was due to the pressure that you talk about and because of overt and implicit gender expectations. Breaking free of all of that, though extraordinarily difficult, has been the single more important cure for her depression.
I say to thine own self be true!!
silentstruggle wrote:I think the LDS marriage culture is divisive and destructive in a lot of ways, at least for many. If you conform to the pressure to marry, then suddenly you are pressed into the ‘have many children’ culture, so you really just trade one thing for another.
I think there not only needs to be room at the table for everyone; there also needs to be a mind shift that it’s okay marry late, or to not marry at all. Some people (and I’m not implying this for you), are simply not cut out for it, others are not ready by the ages you mention and others have other important things that they should be doing. There are many unhappy spouses married to people who should not be married.
My spouse is emerging from a serious struggle with depression that lasted most of her adult life that in no small measure was due to marrying early, giving up her educational goals and living most of an adult life that she didn’t want to lead, one which imprisoned her extremely bright mind in a 30 year drudge march. Much of this was due to the pressure that you talk about and because of overt and implicit gender expectations. Breaking free of all of that, though extraordinarily difficult, has been the single more important cure for her depression.
I say to thine own self be true!!
Really insightful Silent! I can point to lots of research that tells that story but personal experience is probably the best way to understand it. There are lots inside and outside of church that “appear” to have a perfect marriage. What goes on at home in the marriage is often another matter entirely. But people can look at the outside in public and declare a perfect marriage or example.
Getting married when you or your spouse isn’t ready(research shows that early 20s marriage and before is volatile and unstable. It shows in even bigger increase when having children of being unstable and volatile. For some it works, age is not the only indicator. But for most it’s tragic as they are changing and forced to change faster then they can cope at that age as they discover self and find themselves in long term commitments trapped.
Credit Cards and college debt. at that age is another example. Switching majors constantly as they try to find self. Doing that while getting married involving another and children much more.
However it isn’t out of the question if the person really knows themselves and what they want that age isn’t nearly as volatile for important long term decisions. So it depends in the person and how stable they are and how well they know themselves as well as financial stability.
Where each person is at at what age is different and personal. Not up to others to tell who people are and when they are ready and for what. It’s your call, just be honest with yourself before making important decisions and hope the other person is to. My wife didn’t appreciate that others blatantly walked up to her and told her how to be or get more successfully pregnant because we got married and didn’t immediately have a child.
It irked her to no end. It was really none of there business. But people are nosy. Especially in tight bit or small communities. Leaving in larger cunning yes helps elevate gossip and nosiness if it gets to much. College can be one if those places at times depending on the college. It’s your time to get to know yourself, knowing yourself and bring honest with yourself and others is key making meaningful and lasting happy important decisions in life. Massive research bear this out.
I wish you the best.
Hi, willb – I didn’t date much in early college days, either, so I know the odd-person-out feeling, but I imagine it’s accentuated these days by constant Facebook posts. It’s good that you’re moving on, and you might end up hiding (or whatever it’s called) a lot of your high school acquaintances once you do. I also think it’s good that you recognize your self-esteem issues. Maybe they’ll resolve as you move to this next stage of life, or maybe you can find someone to talk with at the counseling center at your new school. Good luck. Don’t worry too much. You’ll get married when you want to marry someone. I don’t understand this push to find someone to marry. It’s not like you can’t find someone after you do some living and some growing up! Of course you can! I agree with Ray that going out on your own and becoming independent is just part of growing up. I don’t understand how people can go from living with their parents to being married, although some have done that.
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