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Looking over this thread I caught again what you titled it. It just brought up that often cited scripture of D&C 121:37
Quote:37 … but when we undertake to … exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.
I would only encourage you to take this to God and figure out in
YOURheart what needs to be done. Frankly, he sounds somewhat narcissistic and manipulative – and not truly repentant, if he had to get caught for you to learn about it. The Church doesn’t forbid divorce for a reason: Some marriages are worse than ending them.
I can’t say what you should do – but, if your description is accurate, I certainly would not argue with your conclusion.
Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or must do. In this case, you need to be “an agent unto yourself”, as the Book of Mormon says.
God bless you!
Llamamama, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I would imagine your world is spinning right now. 
I had to go back to your original introduction to get some context on your life, and saw that you have four children together. That definitely complicates things. As others have said, though, the decision you have ahead of you is all yours. Church leaders can (and will) offer their opinions, but this is ultimately your decision to make. The only advice I could offer would be to work through some of this with a professional marriage counselor. Somebody who will not push you to get back together, or push you to get divorced. A good counselor will leave that direction up to you, and will simply guide you through the process together. If you have kids together, then you will always be connected to some degree, whether you divorce or not. Going to a counselor to work on communication could only help, even if you ultimately divorce. As a divorced couple, you will still need to communicate with each other and keep things civil for your kids sake, and working with a professional marriage counselor could really help with a smooth transition from marriage to divorce. And you’ll probably get much more objective (and reasonable) advice from a professional counselor than you will get from church leaders (they’re only volunteers).
Any blessing that takes away somebodies else’s free agency is NOT of God. Sheldon wrote:
Any blessing that takes away somebodies else’s free agency is NOT of God.
Good point, Sheldon. God will never interfere with agency.
llamamama wrote:
I intercepted some texts between my husband and another woman about a week and a half ago. It was a Thursday, and our oldest son was supposed to be getting his endowments on Saturday. Sadly, this ain’t our first rodeo… He has been mostly faithful but I’m done and I told him that. There’s too much history with his temper, his neediness, his addiction. So I was pretty quick deciding that it’s time for divorce. I’ve prayed, I’ve felt very calm and resolved that this is right. Here’s what’s bugging me: last night he got a blessing from the same friend who gave me one after I found him out. He came home to tell me that the blessing basically said that if he can really change, recover, be the whole person, that he can have me back. He said he knows we need a separation but can I give him time? Another chance? He’s had 21 years of chances. I’m done. I want to get on with my life. I simply don’t feel like in some distant future, I could be with him again and it irritated and hurt that he felt like he could just walk in and put that expectation on me. The other thing that’s really got me is when I spoke to a member of the Stake presidency. His first piece of advice was for me to get with my “DH” and have a heart to heart. He’s been working out of town and coming home on weekends for a few months while we sell our house-we just got an offer and I was about to go look for houses- This church leader seemed to think DH would have an easier time being faithful if I were closer to him geographically… Right now I feel like it’s ok for me to be walked on, emotionally dragged around, humiliated.Based on the blessing he got along with the sad advice that Church leader (don’t know the acronym for stake presidency counselor), that there are some pretty pathetic expectations here. Any comments, advice? If this isn’t super clear let me know. I’m barely hanging on. Why am I a member of this church?
I had some advice from someone years ago at work. She knew I was having marital problems, and she said “When it’s time to get a divorce, you won’t be upset about it”. I asked for clarification, and she said that when you no longer feel you’ll miss the person in your life, it’s time to move on. Sure there will be angst associated with dividing up assets, issuess associated with separation, etcetera, but she was talking about the upset associated with no longer having the person in your life. If that part of it is not angst-producing, or you even feel kind of refreshed and rejuvinated with a fresh start, it’s time to move on, she said.
That struck me as a good litmus test for when to pack it in. I’ve wondered if I should pack it in years ago, but I thought I would still miss my wife so it wasn’t time to quit.
Regarding the SP counselor — take what they say with a grain of salt. They aren’t trained marriage or individual counselors, and they are in over their head half the time. Do what makes you happy after considering the full impact on yourself, any children, etcetera. As far as the blessing goes, that blessing does not dictate your behavior in this situation It may, nor may not have been inspired.
Finally, don’t let the church run interference between you and happiness. Don’t automatically make decisions for church reasons that you would others NOT make if the church influence was abset. Remember, none of the people in your Ward or your the leaders you interact with have much of a stake in your life. Think of the leaders you had 20 years ago — how many of them are a force in your life now?
That’s my advice. Let the pursuit of happiness be your guide — what will make you happiest in this situation after considering all angles — financial, emotional, self-respect, impact on others you care about….etcetera.
It’s been a few months since I’ve been here and your advice still rings true. I’ve moved closer to my family, started school, he’s here now too- living with his family. We haven’t divorced yet simply because I’ve had so much going on and not enough money yet but I really am done. It’s been 9 months and I just can’t wait for this to be over. I just got a job and I will be saving for the cost of filing. He still keeps asking for more chances and telling me he’s changed. 🙄 That’s a really good sign that he hasn’t, and I’ve heard it all before.Even if he did change, it’s over. I hope he can change for his sake and our kids’ sake. I have no desire to be married to him, I have no attraction to him. We are getting along as friends otherwise. I’m a good friend and he’s turning out to be a better friend than husband. No wonder everyone likes him, they weren’t married to him. Thanks for the advice.
llamamama wrote:
It’s been a few months since I’ve been here and your advice still rings true. I’ve moved closer to my family, started school, he’s here now too- living with his family. We haven’t divorced yet simply because I’ve had so much going on and not enough money yet but I really am done. It’s been 9 months and I just can’t wait for this to be over. I just got a job and I will be saving for the cost of filing. He still keeps asking for more chances and telling me he’s changed.🙄 That’s a really good sign that he hasn’t, and I’ve heard it all before.Even if he did change, it’s over. I hope he can change for his sake and our kids’ sake. I have no desire to be married to him, I have no attraction to him. We are getting along as friends otherwise. I’m a good friend and he’s turning out to be a better friend than husband. No wonder everyone likes him, they weren’t married to him. Thanks for the advice.
Thanks for checking in and giving us an update. Sounds like things are going OK. I hope it works out for you and your children.
I am glad that you are able to move on. I believe that God is with you and can subtly lead you towards a more fulfilling happiness. Good luck and God bless. hawkgirl, It’s been a while since I’ve been here and I’m revisiting my old posts. I just wanted to say AMEN. Thank you. The divorce was final almost a year ago. It’s been a difficult couple of years but I am not sorry for making that choice.
llamamama wrote:
I’m a good friend and he’s turning out to be a better friend than husband. No wonder everyone likes him, they weren’t married to him.
Ha Ha! I am glad that you are in a better place and that you get to be your own person and own your own choices. No church or spouse should get to take that away from you.
I am also struck that in the OP the bad “blessing” and the bad advice was both given by men. Even if these men would never cheat themselves, I imagine that they have noticed and been attracted to women that are not their wives. In that way they can probably identify with your former husband more than they can with you as a wife. They probably would hope that if they were to cross that infidelity line that their wives would forgive them and offer them a second chance. They are limited by their male perspectives.
I just read the following online and I though of you. Hope it helps as you transition to this new phase of your life.
Quote:Joanna said something in the podcast that I decided to write down and stick to my fridge so I could see it every morning: “Divorce marks the end of your marriage, but it’s also the beginning of the rest of your life. And how do you want the rest of your life to look?”
I can sit and sulk and endlessly go over the things I should have done differently when I am missing my kids, as long as I don’t camp out there and make my divorce an excuse to not pursue my dreams, other relationships, and work on myself.
These days, I feel like the sky is the limit because my divorce allowed me to try so many things — from taking a trip alone to leaning how to change a light fixture. Things I never would have done if I was still married.
It’s shown me just how capable I am to me make me happy without depending on a partner because, yes, I’m the only one in charge here and how my life turn out is up to me.
I don’t want to spend it in sadness, or think I can’t “do relationships.” I want to take what I’ve learned from my marriage — and my divorce — and use the lessons for the second half of my life because no one else is going to do it for me and I deserve the best life I can create for myself.
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