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For the past few years I’ve been having certain doubts about the church, nothing major though. However, about a year ago a few of my friends that I have known since seminary who I really respect, started posting issues they were having with the church. This piqued my curiosity, and I started looking in to some of the things they were posting. Then, one of my friends posted the ces letter. I read the whole thing in one evening. While I was able to explain away in my mind some of what was written, other parts I could not. I started to become somewhat obsessed with finding new information. I started really reading the History of the Church, The Joseph Smith Papers, Terryl Givens, Michael Quinn, and I whole lot of blogs and message boards. I want to back up a bit. I was born in the church. My father’s side goes back to Mormon pioneers who settled southern Colorado. If you’ve ever been there, you’d see that the settlement didn’t really take. My mother was converted through her neighbors along with most of her immediate family when she was about 15. She is/was a very caring and loving person.
I grew up in a great ward. I had great leaders who were spiritual but also fun. We had amazing campouts and other activities. One time, a couple leaders took us to Dunkin Donuts during church. It was awesome, but my mom was pretty upset. I had so much respect for people in my ward. I wanted to be their kind of Mormon. Whenever a doubt would creep into my mind, I would think, for example, “If black people not being able to get the priesthood until 1978 isn’t an issue for them, then who am I to question it”. Later, I went on a mission to Brasil in 2000, and it was a great growing experience for me. I graduated from BYU, then got married.
Fast forward to about 2013, and I am living in Kansas, and I dread going to church. I don’t have a lot in common with ward members and dealing with 2 little girl in church is a nightmare. Church is now monotonous and exhausting, and I disagree with members a lot during Sunday school. I stop getting anything out of church. I start to question why I go, but that was an easy answer. I had to go so that I could gain eternal life, and this was the only way to do so. I start to read conference talks during Sunday School and Priesthood to pass the time. Then, I start reading Journal of Discourses, and that’s when a lot of questions start appearing for me. Finally, I run into something written by a grandson of Pres. Benson. I get pretty upset reading it, but then I feel so ashamed that I would read something that could be considered anti-mormon. So I stop reading it. However, I start to feel my first cognitive dissonance. This is about the time that my friends began posting things on Facebook.
I now feel like I’m in a state of limbo. I’m trying to find the smoking gun either for or against the church, but I don’t think I’ll ever find it. Looking back on my life, I feel like such a sheep. I was led when I was younger, and then I was led when I was older by those friends. I now feel like I need to find things out on my own, but I feel like maybe I’m still a sheep. Sometimes I feel like my life could be a spin-off of the X-Files. I’ve followed the advice I’ve seen on this board. I keep quiet about my issues at church, although sometimes it’s difficult since I teach Gospel Doctrine. Luckily my wife is pretty much in the same boat. We get to rant to each other about what we hear in church.
I would be more inclined to stop attending church or attend a unitarian universalist church if it wasn’t for my girls. I have to get this right for them. I don’t want to screw them over.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
What a great intro post! Thanks for posting it and sharing your story and thoughts. A couple things really struck me as I read it…
dtrom34 wrote:“If black people not being able to get the priesthood until 1978 isn’t an issue for them, then who am I to question it”
I thought this way too, and I think it works for a time, but it is a fallacy to appeal to authority and have that sustain you when you really think about things. At some point, you need to know what you really believe…which is what I see you doing.
dtrom34 wrote:I had great leaders who were spiritual but also fun. We had amazing campouts and other activities. One time, a couple leaders took us to Dunkin Donuts during church. It was awesome, but my mom was pretty upset. I had so much respect for people in my ward. I wanted to be their kind of Mormon.
I think this is very important. The experience you had was that some mormons were not like all others. Some stick out and appeal to you by the way they chose to be mormon. There is not ONE WAY.
Perhaps that is something you could explore more. Because it sounds like church is a waste of time for you. But if you want your daughter to have some role model, or to know how to figure things out for herself when she gets old enough to start thinking deeply…perhaps you can decide what kind of mormon you want to be…and be that for others, like you had when you were growing up.
I often wonder when I saw others in church that were thoughtful and different, how many doubts they had that I never knew about…and they showed me it can be productive despite doubts and unorthodox thinking.
My kids have seen my example. I stay because I find it worthwhile and rewarding. And yet…they ask me why I stay when I don’t believe some things. It leads to great conversations. I expected at first for many of them to not go to church as they got older, and frankly, I didn’t care if they did or did not have temple weddings…I would love them just the same because I no longer saw the fear of them having to be “one way”. In the end, they seem to be choosing to be active in the church…but when things come up in church that are problematic for them…they all come talking to dad to get my opinion.
I guess I am saying it doesn’t need to be either/or about going to church or not. It is most important how we love others, despite what we believe or don’t.
Welcome to the forum. I look forward to learning from your posts.
dtrom34 wrote:Luckily my wife is pretty much in the same boat.
Welcome to this forum – it’s almost therapy for me. You are fortunate (blessed?) to have a wife in the same boat. I’d give almost anything to have a better connection with my wife when it comes to my faith transition. I look forward to your comments.
Bem Vindo ao Fórum! I look forward to hearing more from you.
dtrom – Glad you’re here. I identify with so much of what you wrote. I hope being here helps. :wave: Roadrunner wrote:dtrom34 wrote:Luckily my wife is pretty much in the same boat.
Welcome to this forum – it’s almost therapy for me. You are fortunate (blessed?) to have a wife in the same boat. I’d give almost anything to have a better connection with my wife when it comes to my faith transition. I look forward to your comments.
Amen! You are so lucky to have your wife be on the same page with you.
Great intro and welcome to your post-lurking days! I look forward to hearing more from you.
Welcome. Your story sounds familiar. I hope we can help.
Welcome to our island of misfit toys. Thanks everyone for your responses. I’m pretty reserved, part of why it took me forever to post my introduction, but it’s nice to open up a little bit and get some support, even if it is anonymous. Heber13 wrote:
My kids have seen my example. I stay because I find it worthwhile and rewarding. And yet…they ask me why I stay when I don’t believe some things. It leads to great conversations. I expected at first for many of them to not go to church as they got older, and frankly, I didn’t care if they did or did not have temple weddings…I would love them just the same because I no longer saw the fear of them having to be “one way”. In the end, they seem to be choosing to be active in the church…but when things come up in church that are problematic for them…they all come talking to dad to get my opinion..
I hope to be able to have that kind of relationship with my girls when they get a bit older. I definitely wouldn’t be able to ask my dad about problematic church things.
Welcome to the community. dtrom34 wrote:I would be more inclined to stop attending church or attend a unitarian universalist church if it wasn’t for my girls. I have to get this right for them. I don’t want to screw them over.
I get it. If the church is true then you don’t want to mess up their chances of a happily ever after – eternal family ending. If the church is not true then you are not sure you want them to devote their entire life to it only to have a crisis of faith later in life.
Imagine you are making them a PB&J sandwich. Can you imagine thinking “I have to get this right for them. I don’t want to screw them over.”? Probably not. Your doing your best as a parent to give your children the tools and framework necessary to navigate life successfully. There is no perfect road or “one right way” to parenting.
We have been raised to thing that the church is exempt from the vicissitudes of life. That it exist on a plane where truth is absolute and unchanging. Maybe that was not the best way to look at it. Maybe the church is like the PB&J sandwich you give to your girls. So its not the “one true PB&J sandwich that fixes all their problems forever”, but it still tastes good and performs its purpose. Maybe one of your kids in allergic to peanuts and can never eat the sandwich. Maybe your kids get tired of the same thing all the time and want Macaroni & Cheese on Saturday nights. There are no guarantees.
From what you have written I believe that your girls are lucky to have such stable and devoted parents. Continue to give them freely of yourself and you will not go wrong.
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