Questions no one ever asks my husband

[amateurparent]

This list cracked me up. So very true. Too true and so very judgemental.

Comments?

http://ldsmag.com/30-questions-nobody-has-asked-my-husband/

[Anonymous]

I must live a strange life. I have been asked the majority of those questions… and only a few of them are truly specific to the LDS culture.

I suppose the issue is the frequency then? Like I’ll get asked each of those questions maybe once or twice during the course of my life and given the circumstance but a woman might get asked those questions 10 times per week?

Several of them are way out there though. While reading them I found myself wondering whether it was the men or the women that were mostly asking a particular question. If we want to change a culture both sexes have to work at it.

[Anonymous]

I can understand how frustrating and belittlingly dismissive these questions can be…especially for those that do not fit the mold.

I have some good friends and new converts of a few years to the church. I work with the mother and the father stays home with the kids. Well intentioned people keep trying to find him a job or ask how the job hunt is going. People seem to feel that she is forced to work because of her eternally jobless husband. What people (particularly the older generation) have a hard time understanding is that she wants to work. They have a special needs child that the dad seems to have more patience in raising. Staying home for her would be an extended form of hell.

Unfortunately, the husband has not been to church in a long time because of this. He does not want to go to a place where people are going to repeatedly question his worth as a man (even subtlety and innocently as is often the case) because of the role that he performs in his home.

[Anonymous]

Roy:

That poor guy! It is terrible how cultural norms and expectations can alienate people.

[Anonymous]

nibbler wrote:

While reading them I found myself wondering whether it was the men or the women that were mostly asking a particular question. If we want to change a culture both sexes have to work at it.

This is so true, and I think she adds something to this effect in the comments.

I’m shocked that Meridian published this. Just a couple of days ago they had a very controversial Gregory Smith piece about getting in step with The Policy. (http://ldsmag.com/what-should-i-do-if-i-think-ive-received-revelation-different-from-apostles-and-prophets/)

[Anonymous]

The only reason I keep my Meridian daily email is to see messages from Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks and comment on how good they are. She has had some good ones

http://ldsmag.com/author/juliede/” class=”bbcode_url”>http://ldsmag.com/author/juliede/

Is there a Downside to Idealizing Motherhood?

Healing Aspirational Shame: Is it Wrong to Want More?

Misunderstanding Modesty Part 2:

The Costs of Misunderstanding Modesty

3 Common Cultural Myths that Make Mormons Miserable

Redefining “Christ-like”: Moving Beyond the Cultural Norm of Being

This last post has 57 comments after only 1 day.

[Anonymous]

I consider myself to be progressive and fully supportive of gender equality. However when I read these type of articles which reframe the questions for me – a male – it makes me realize I have a way to go still. “Did you realize you’re a son of your Heavenly Mother?” That one hit home because we (I) think in terms of Heavenly Father almost exclusively…

Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Roadrunner wrote:

I consider myself to be progressive and fully supportive of gender equality. However when I read these type of articles which reframe the questions for me – a male – it makes me realize I have a way to go still. “Did you realize you’re a son of your Heavenly Mother?” That one hit home because we (I) think in terms of Heavenly Father almost exclusively…

Thanks for sharing.

Yep. Me and my dad are closer than me and my mom. 🙂 Maybe it is the same for my heavenly father and heavenly mother.

I had a moment a few months ago where I caught myself being amazed at how awesome and smart hawkgrrrl is on her many blog posts under various aliases (she is my fav 😳 and look forward to when I see one of her blog posts). But then I happened to notice a fleeting thought of her being smart, especially given that she is a woman. I could have slapped myself and was so mad to have to admit that I had that thought at all. I even PM’ed her an apology to relieve my guilt . Here I am thinking of myself as very progressive and a feminist and I have that stinking thought still in my head. #$%^ 😡

[Anonymous]

When we were living in Singapore, most couples in our expat ward included one spouse who was there as an expat and the other spouse was referred to as “the trailing spouse.” Most members assumed that as a wife, I was the trailing spouse, so when we invited others over to dinner they would ask my husband what he did. When they discovered we were there for my career, some of them would get this look on their face like suddenly the housecat started talking. I was the housecat. It’s pretty insulting really.

But then there are plenty of women who do weird stuff like this too. One time, a sister in RS stood up to introduce herself. She said her husband’s name and hers, and then she said “And we’re in law school.” I was pretty impressed and said, “Wow! Two lawyers! Go, you guys! That’s a lot of work.” But no, apparently she wasn’t in law school; she just referred to him going to law school as both of them going to law school. That just seemed weird to me.

[Anonymous]

hawkgrrrl wrote:

But then there are plenty of women who do weird stuff like this too. One time, a sister in RS stood up to introduce herself. She said her husband’s name and hers, and then she said “And we’re in law school.” I was pretty impressed and said, “Wow! Two lawyers! Go, you guys! That’s a lot of work.” But no, apparently she wasn’t in law school; she just referred to him going to law school as both of them going to law school. That just seemed weird to me.

😆 I’ve done a similar thing!

I’ve heard the same thing from young women my age, “We’re going to grad school” etc. I can’t help but feel it’s indicative of a woman embracing her identity as a woman to be a “helpmeet”—or in modern terms–supporter of her husband. That is who she is. And then it becomes mother, when she has kids, or she balances the two identities. It weirds me out, a bit. But then again, I also get weirded out when couples merge their facebook accounts into one. So maybe it’s the part of me that appreciates independence.

I’ve also hear men say, “We’re pregnant.”

LookingHard, as a “Hermione Granger” (hope someone gets my Harry Potter reference) throughout my younger years, and arguably still today, I find your story sad. But at least you recognized that in your thought process. Being a young female academic, I do have stories… Like offering insightful comments in class–which stimulate ideas and get things going into a different direction–only for the next commentator (male) to give credit to another man for my insights. That’s a classic thing women complain about in the workplace. It’s happened multiple times to me. Thankfully, I’m beyond letting things like that railroad me.

However, sometimes I feel like waking up to some of our bizarre gender norms and how they hurt everyone is similar to having a faith crisis. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And for me, sometimes, knowing what things are like…well, it can get discouraging.

[Author]

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