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Quote:
“Resentment comes when we hold someone else responsible for the choices we’ve made.”
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an LDS Marriage and Sexuality Therapist.
I felt that this quote is relevant for this group because I think most of us came here with at least some resentment mixed in with lots of other emotions.
I don’t like some of the choices that some church leaders have made. I don’t like that some of those things were not taught to me in my church educational experiences. I don’t like that we, as a culture, focus on the faith promoting, to the point of offering not entirely realistic forecasts. I don’t like that I fully participated in promoting these faith promoting angles. Through it all, I made decisions about the path that I would follow. Most of those decisions were made with limited and sometimes faulty information. Such is life.
I like this quote because it helps me to remember to separate out what “the church” did and recognize that I was a willing participant and also did the same to others (with the best of intentions, of course). It would not be fully honest to lay down all my life choices at the feet of the church.
I recognize that some may feel differently and JFF was probably giving this quote in the context of marriage and family life but I still think it applies.
I like the quote, even as I understand how others will interpret it differently. I like what I believe she means – and I think it is important to be as charitable as possible when we interpret what others say, without stretching it beyond recognition. Don’t like the quote at all. In my view, we have a “blame the member mentality” for all the inactivity problems or disaffection some people feel. For any concern I have about the church’s stance or behavior on certain issues, there is always an answer from the church about why it’s not their fault and it’s my fault instead. Heck I even had a good friend in the church call me and ask if he could use me as an example of what happens to members if they focus too much on the negative — as if there is no responsibility for other parties in any church interaction.
Granted, there are times when I think we should put the responsibility on the shoulders of the member, but to do so all the time is ego-centric to the church.
Take my issues — Stake leaders refusing to release me or even give me the courtesy of updates over the 4 months it took them, the failed adoption, the SP that was so focused on business issues he couldn’t inspire or support me spiritually in pursuing a mission, and the YW leaders who launched a mutiny and had me reprimanded. In all cases, I made choices that led to the REACTION from these players, but to hold me accountable simply because I was a player in initiating those situations (with good intentions in all cases) is simply giving the church a “license to kill” (I mean that figuratively). Even though there are times when we should hold members accountable, the skew is so far against members in most situations that I would rather not entrench that ideal with this quote.
I am not an expert in JFF teachings. However, from what I have gathered I think she would champion boundaries up to and including removing ourselves from situations where we are being harmed. I never want to be in a situation where I would “blame the victim.” I also feel that an internal narrative where my problems are the fault of the people around me is not helpful or healthy for most people.
Further, I do not believe that JFF was saying that we should let others or organizations get away with bad actions. We absolutely should hold them accountable. I think that she was saying that we do not need to feel resentment to hold others accountable and that holding onto resentment damages our own health and happiness and ability to move forward.
I do appreciate that there are differences of opinion in regards to this quote.
I will add that I think she is saying we need to try to accept that we make our own choices, ultimately, as a general rule. I am sure she would agree that some choices are coerced, but I also am sure she would say that being able to recognize coercion and break away from it is an important goal – especially since doing so allows us to find strength, self-confidence, and freedom that can’t come if we remain fixed on the idea that others are making us do things we don’t want to do. Ultimately, we do choose our actions – but we also need to grant ourselves a measure of grace as we gain the strength to choose actions we were unable to make in previous situations. Learning to eliminate “blame” and its attendant “resentment” is the key – and that is a difficult but important path. (See Fowler’s Stages of Faith)
Old-Timer wrote:
I will add that I think she is saying we need to try to accept that we make our own choices, ultimately, as a general rule. I am sure she would agree that some choices are coerced, but I also am sure she would say that being able to recognize coercion and break away from it is an important goal – especially since doing so allows us to find strength, self-confidence, and freedom that can’t come if we remain fixed on the idea that others are making us do things we don’t want to do.
I agree with this. Thank you for putting it into words.
I believe that an important step towards breaking away from coercion is to recognize that it is within your power to do so. In the context of marriage and family life divorce needs to be an option for many reasons. To stay in and work on a marriage means nothing unless there is an option to choose otherwise.
Applying this quote to my relationship with the church is not a perfect fit. There is a large power differential between me and the church. However, even with the church relationship, I have choices. Over time I have endeavored to diversify my social groups and minimize the “footprint” that the church holds in my life. I feel that I have done this purposefully and consciously. I feel that I am in a sort of uneasy truce with the church. The church wants me to do much more than I am currently willing to do. Ultimately, I know that “the church” can’t make me. I will do what I am willing to do and I will not do what I am not willing to do. I may also make compromises and do things that I would rather not do in order to get something else that I want.
In my case specifically, I want to keep the door open to ordaining my son to the offices of the priesthood or witnessing my kiddos’ potential temple weddings. The church has something that I want. However, it is not something that I need. I could not ordain my son and maybe ask my father or FIL to do it. I could also choose to wait outside the temple for any potential weddings and that would also be good and acceptable option to me. recognizing that I have choices and options is an important step in reclaiming my personal power over the direction of my life.
Roy wrote:
Quote:“Resentment comes when we hold someone else responsible for the choices we’ve made.”
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an LDS Marriage and Sexuality Therapist.
I get where this quote is applicable and helps sort out “what part is ours” and “what boundaries do I need”?
I also think that part of our resentment is grappling with introspection and values-decision making that we don’t see happening at church.
We are usually here on this board in part because we need to “make something work”, find some meaning, some protocol/common ground to interact with teachings of the church and people in our lives who really deeply believe it and have placed their values in the hands of the church – we have to make room for them and they don’t have to make room for us.
I think part of the “resentment” is the anger phase in a cycle of grieving. We are grieving whom we thought we would be, and what we expected the church to be in our lives. Sometimes, we are grieving that we lost our faith in God (or at least really redefined it) – we are cast out of the Garden of Eden again as it were – and people around us aren’t aware that there is space outside the Garden (let alone basic survival tactics).
Maybe resentment comes from feeling like we’re not able to make the choices that we’d like to make. We build up resentment towards whatever we feel is blocking us from making those choices. nibbler wrote:
Maybe resentment comes from feeling like we’re not able to make the choices that we’d like to make. We build up resentment towards whatever we feel is blocking us from making those choices.
Yes, I agree.
Quote:Maybe resentment comes from feeling like we’re not able to make the choices that we’d like to make. We build up resentment towards whatever we feel is blocking us from making those choices.
Absolutely. Letting go of that is a difficult process that often takes a long time.
nibbler wrote:
Maybe resentment comes from feeling like we’re not able to make the choices that we’d like to make. We build up resentment towards whatever we feel is blocking us from making those choices.
Additional quote from JFF:
Quote:Desire is central to our personhood …[snip]… When we ignore our desires and fold into another person’s expectations, we betray our inner compass, become resentful and depressed, and ultimately develop no self to share with others.
I’m not sure if others have touched on this point already, and I don’t want to presume any interpretation of Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s quotes, but I think it’s important to point out that she is a marriage and family therapist, and that I THINK this quote is more intended as a personal guidance when dealing with feelings of resentment towards a spouse or individual, rather than an organization or church. Cnsl1 wrote:
I’m not sure if others have touched on this point already, and I don’t want to presume any interpretation of Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s quotes, but I think it’s important to point out that she is a marriage and family therapist, and that I THINK this quote is more intended as a personal guidance when dealing with feelings of resentment towards a spouse or individual, rather than an organization or church.
So does that mean it’s not applicable to other relationships?
cnsl1, thanks for that point. It is important. DarkJedi, I believe it applies to both – with similar AND different dynamics for each.
Cnsl1 wrote:
I’m not sure if others have touched on this point already, and I don’t want to presume any interpretation of Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s quotes, but I think it’s important to point out that she is a marriage and family therapist, and that I THINK this quote is more intended as a personal guidance when dealing with feelings of resentment towards a spouse or individual, rather than an organization or church.
A theme that comes up when women talk about “leaving the church” is that it winds up looking a lot like “leaving a boyfriend” in terms of releasing the woman from obligations.
This makes sense in part when taking into account that for a woman to leave a relationship (where she was doing a lot of the executive functioning stuff like food/laundry/calendar/obligation logistics), she is learning to leave those “performances” for that person a lone. It’s a lot about no longer feeling guilty for not going to church/not being involved in Primary/not helping at a funeral and a host of other experiences just like not feeling guilty for not planning a birthday party/not pairing the socks/not remembering in-law birthdays.
Feelings of resentment are often one of the first clues that an obligation is costing that individual in that period of time more then the individual is getting a payoff in that moment. Sometimes, this is temporary. But reoccurring feelings of resentment are based on habits of behavior and themes. I picked up someplace that seems like a reasonable truth – it takes on average, 5 years to “move away” from a religion.
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