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NEW JFF quote: Quote:We’re usually looking for someone to need us, on some level, because we are afraid that if they didn’t need us they wouldn’t choose us. We’re scared of people who matter to us actually knowing us and having a real choice.
Being able to deal with powerlessness well is a fundamental part of being happy.
It would not be at all comforting for DW to tell me that she doesn’t need me but that she does choose me. I am pondering why I desire my spouse to not be able to function well/thrive independent from me. I think that being needed feels like safety/security.
A big part of my faith crisis was that I felt that paying tithing and serving in the church entitled me to blessings of safety/security and I became disillusioned when that didn’t turn out to be the case. It might be possible that I just transferred my needs for safety/security elsewhere. For example, I am extremely frugal and save a significant amount for a rainy day/retirement fund.
The church did and does make promises of blessings that, upon inspection, seem to be rather subjective. However, it is also true that I projected my needs of safety/security onto the church. If my need for safety/security wasn’t so great maybe the stillbirth of my daughter would have impacted me differently.
JFF says, “Being able to deal with powerlessness well is a fundamental part of being happy.” I suppose I still have much to learn about coming to peace with powerlessness.
Roy wrote:
NEW JFF quote:Quote:We’re usually looking for someone to need us, on some level, because we are afraid that if they didn’t need us they wouldn’t choose us. We’re scared of people who matter to us actually knowing us and having a real choice.
Being able to deal with powerlessness well is a fundamental part of being happy.
It would not be at all comforting for DW to tell me that she doesn’t need me but that she does choose me. I am pondering why I desire my spouse to not be able to function well/thrive independent from me. I think that being needed feels like safety/security.
I would loveto hear from my spouse that he doesn’t need me – but he does choose me. I don’t want to be defined by a “need” or a “role” or “doing all the things”. I do want be seen and cherished as person worth choosing (I have learned for myself that I am that). Roy wrote:
A big part of my faith crisis was that I felt that paying tithing and serving in the church entitled me to blessings of safety/security and I became disillusioned when that didn’t turn out to be the case. It might be possible that I just transferred my needs for safety/security elsewhere. For example, I am extremely frugal and save a significant amount for a rainy day/retirement fund.The church did and does make promises of blessings that, upon inspection, seem to be rather subjective. However, it is also true that I projected my needs of safety/security onto the church. If my need for safety/security wasn’t so great maybe the stillbirth of my daughter would have impacted me differently.
The church of the 1990’s and 2000’s gave me social opportunities that were “safe” for me in terms of bullying and partying scenarios. I was kept socially safe there.
But a universal truth is that not all wards or branches/youth groups are created equal or have equal aims or agendas and it’s “not my teenage year’s youth program anymore”. My oldest daughter is not going to be “safe” in her branch youth group – there are social and intellectual differences that are going to be superficially too big to create a bridge over going both ways.
Roy wrote:
JFF says, “Being able to deal with powerlessness well is a fundamental part of being happy.” I suppose I still have much to learn about coming to peace with powerlessness.
Making peace with the concept of not having the “power” or “authority” to change it is hard. For me, the most powerful lesson that came out of my experiences in this area is extending myself grace for doing all I could do in the situation (even if it sucked). Hindsight, yes – maybe I could change some things and maybe I need to go back and repair some stuff. When I stopped beating myself up inside for the things that were beyond my control (either not my jurisdiction or I just didn’t have the resources/education/habits to do better) – letting myself off the hook for that point of failure AND repairing it AND making 1 small change for the next time that something like that comes my way works best.
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