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I grew up in an LDS home with multiple generations of LDS ancestors in Utah. I was a good kid who linked my worth to my intelligence. I had some problems though. I was self-medicating with massive amounts of sugar all growing up. I’d watch TV and eat uncooked cake mixes, Karo syrup mixed with cinnamon oil (liquid suckers, yay), and sometimes with just a big bag of brown sugar and a tablespoon, or big chunks of chocolate from the 20 lb bricks my dad used for chocolate dipping. At age 12, my journal entries got dark and apathetic. I started most of my sexual addictions at age 12 as well, though I was a raging lustaholic years earlier. At age 16, I started self-medicating with alcohol. I’d binge drink all I could. I’d hid a half gallon of vodka in my dresser drawer and take big gulps of it just before going to work at McDonald’s so I’d be drunk just as I pulled into the parking lot. I fell away from church on the inside long before I did on the outside. I read the Book of Mormon and prayed about it and fasted and didn’t get an answer. I got a full ride scholarship to a college in Arizona and so left my worried family to go to college there. I started off being involved in a single’s ward in Phoenix and drifted away from the church physically. I found some new friends who I could party hard with and expand my addictions with alcohol and immorality to new heights. I drank cases of beer, fifths of vodka, anything I could get my hands on. I did terrible and embarrassing things. I woke up under toilets in other people’s houses. I passed out by dumpsters behind pool halls. I would black out while driving my cousin home and wake up after hitting the bumper of the car I was trying to park next to without knowing how I got home. I did many more things that I won’t detail here, but needless to say, I was a wreck. I felt all alone in crowded rooms. I got my ear pierced and grew my hair long and visited my hopeful parents each Christmas and would see the disappointment in their eyes as the greeted me at the door. My mom would ask if I had thought about going on a mission. I’d yell “f**king missionaries!” when I’d see them at the mall. I said unspeakable things about God and Christ in front of others. I had left them behind, sort of. I was a terrible atheist. I was a terrible theist. I was a lonely drunk and was hopelessly chained to immorality in every form. I swore like a drunken sailor. My mom would ask if I had thought about going on a mission. I got another piercing in my ear. Shaved half of my head and grew the rest of my hair longer. I used people in many ways. I kept feeling more alone with more people around me. I felt nothing most of the time. Mission accomplished.
During this time my mom was in the temple one time and the prayer said “those of you in this room who don’t think your sons will go on missions are wrong, they will go” and my mom laughed out loud – which is frowned upon in the temple, of course. She had lost all hope now. A while later, I met an LDS girl who said “I usually don’t hang around people like you.” She did anyway. Then it happened. One night I was arguing with her over the phone about swearing and how there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t know how we got onto the topic of an incident that had happened probably in the past year when I was visiting my parents again – their hopes slowly being crushed under the weight of my earrings and long hair. I told her about one time that I didn’t have my contacts in yet and had dropped the back of one of my earrings on the floor. My dad had just had brain surgery to remove a tumor behind his ear so his balance was shot. He was sitting on the couch and asked me what I was looking for. I told him it was the back of my earring. He slowly got up and hobbled over to me hanging onto the chairs and walls so he wouldn’t fall over. He then knelt down beside me and starting looking for the thing he hated most. At that moment (telling that story during the phone call), I felt pure knowledge about the love of my parents and of God for me pour into my soul from the top of my head downward. It was the strangest mix of emotions ever. Feeling loved felt amazing, but I had hated myself and had hated and used others and myself for so many years and I was crushed by it completely. I cried for a few hours straight. What have I done? The crushing weight of it was terrible. My heart was changed in an instant and I could feel what I had been trying to numb my whole life but I didn’t know what it was.
When I went to talk to the bishop, I knew for sure that I would be excommunicated or stoned to death or worse. I was destroyed by my life already and got no punishment – it wasn’t necessary. I had been beating myself to death already. Over the next two years, from age 22 to 24, I experienced many miracles, from a recovering drug addict friend of mine being healed of lung cancer through a priesthood blessing – going from coughing up blood to no problems, to amazing spiritual experiences with the Book of Mormon. A few weeks after my change of heart, I was facing a horrible fear that dealt with evil spirits that I won’t go into, but it crushed me again in a different way and it got me to the point where I was listening to my spirit have a conversation with God. He was so pure and innocent and childlike and he said “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” over and over and I got a tiny glimpse of how I must have thought I was going to come to earth and just tear it up and show all these bozos down here how it’s done, but ended up wrecking my train all over myself and everyone around me. I had learned that my parents had been praying for me and had their ward praying for me and had my name constantly in the temple for me throughout all of this time.
After two years or so, I started thinking about going on a mission but I couldn’t. I had graduated from college and had started my career and worked at a place where I had 13 projects I had worked on and there was only one other employee and my boss and they didn’t know about these projects – I just couldn’t go on a mission. It kept nagging me though so I was interviewing the missionaries, taking them to dinner, praying and fasting about it, etc. Then I got a vision or daydream or something while sitting in my car after an elder’s quorum presidency meeting. The vision started with me alone in a room sitting on a chair. The building I was in was on fire. Someone woke me up and I worked with them to get out of the burning building and out onto the grass in front of it. I then looked back at the building and saw thousands of windows each with a person sitting on a chair asleep. I knew I had to run back into the building and wake them up and help them get out of the building. Again the Spirit hit me hard and it was obvious to me that going back into the building was me going on a mission to share with others what had been shared with me. It was revealed to me later that my parents’ prayers were what woke me up. I went to work the next day and told my boss that I was going on a mission and that day, every one of the projects I had on my plate called and canceled. I had nothing to do. I spent the next two weeks documenting everything about those projects so my coworkers would know what to do after I left.
At the moment my heart changed, I walked away from everything: drinking alcohol (and even caffeine – why not?), partying, all of my friends – everything but immorality – those chains were impossible for me to break. I went on a mission, learned amazing lessons, came home and lived in complete misery until age 32. I was drowning in my addictions and reading and praying, paying tithing, going to all of the service projects, using women, destroying myself. I had a good church face and a miserable addict face. A bishop of mine introduced me to a 12-step program someone else in the single’s ward had had success with and so after failing thousands of times at overcoming immorality addictions, my hope in God helping me was crushed, God must either not exist, must hate me because I’m a dirtbag, or I must be so amazing that if I didn’t have this addiction holding me down, I’d be translated instantly. I had to do some mental gymnastics there to make sense of God’s absence in this part of my life.
I went to the 12-step program and immediately felt a peace stronger than the peace of the temple. It was like elder’s quorum, but honest. I found out that pride and fear had kept be from making progress and that I could not overcome those two obstacles on my own. I needed a place to meet where our hearts were knit one with another and where we could hold up the hanging hands and feeble knees with regard to the salvation of our souls – not just help with moving furniture. I got faith through hearing testimony of others and trying things out. Making phone calls and working “the steps” which are just repentance for dummies. I got married the next year, but went through rocky times that had me separated from my wife and children and suicidal, but I’m not going to go into that detail here. That horrible time was almost 7 years ago and things are very good now. I haven’t seriously considered suicide for a long time, I am free of my compulsions but must maintain a certain level of daily care, boundaries, and sharing the message with others to keep the freedom I’ve been blessed with.
I have received the following truths as knowledge by the Spirit of God: 1) God hears every word of every prayer, 2) Christ knows exactly how I feel, 3) The Book of Mormon is the word of God, 4) Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God, and 5) Thomas S. Monson is a true prophet of God. Everything else is just guesswork, but those truths have created a foundation for me that I need. Christ and His atonement are what has saved me on a daily basis. There’s tons more detail but I think this is enough for a brief introduction.
Welcome to the forums and thanks for introducing yourself. I realize it is sometimes hard for people to bare their souls in such a way, even anonymously. With the testimony that you have, I have to ask – why are you here? You’ve already StayedLDS.
That sounds like a wonderful experience with your father. Thanks for sharing it. I also like the dream that inspired you to serve a mission. It’s funny how in life we think we’re doomed to a certain path but faith in god can make things possible. Your mother laughing in the temple reminded me of the story of Sarah laughing when she overheard the lord tell Abraham that she’d have a son. She had given up on that hope but the lord obviously had other plans.
Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome to StayLDS.
DarkJedi wrote:Welcome to the forums and thanks for introducing yourself. I realize it is sometimes hard for people to bare their souls in such a way, even anonymously.
With the testimony that you have, I have to ask – why are you here? You’ve already StayedLDS.
My recovery and salvation are a continuing effort. I’m not done. I’m a software engineer. I like to understand how things work. As I’ve been talking to my friend for the last three years who is having a faith crisis, I have found similarities between him and I, and he is a lot more open than I am about his problems and difficulties. Being around others who are being honest about their trials and difficulties and doubts helps me to open up about my own. My life has caused me to be closed in some things and I want those things opened up. I want to make sure that any doubts or concerns or questions are hidden within me come out to the surface and are exposed and worked through.
rcronk – I’m glad you’re here and thanks for sharing your story. The power of parental love is amazing. And thank you for giving me some insight into 12-step programs. My brother is completely divorced from the church, but we have a lot in common still, and I chalk some of that up to the focus of his AA experience. I hope you enjoy it here. I learn a lot in these threads.
rcronk wrote:DarkJedi wrote:Welcome to the forums and thanks for introducing yourself. I realize it is sometimes hard for people to bare their souls in such a way, even anonymously.
With the testimony that you have, I have to ask – why are you here? You’ve already StayedLDS.
My recovery and salvation are a continuing effort. I’m not done. I’m a software engineer. I like to understand how things work. As I’ve been talking to my friend for the last three years who is having a faith crisis, I have found similarities between him and I, and he is a lot more open than I am about his problems and difficulties. Being around others who are being honest about their trials and difficulties and doubts helps me to open up about my own. My life has caused me to be closed in some things and I want those things opened up. I want to make sure that any doubts or concerns or questions are hidden within me come out to the surface and are exposed and worked through.
Something I have noticed with some other Christians is that they sometimes see conversion and salvation (“being saved”) as events rather than processes. I have been out of the faith crisis mode for quite some time, even before I began the transition mode. While I can say I feel pretty comfortable with some areas of transition, others are still very much in flux. I have come to realize that for me this transition will probably last the rest of my life – and perhaps into the next. I don’t recall off hand which apostle said it in the Sabbath training, but I liked that it was pointed out that our spirituality as well as our covenants are not stagnant, they are ever changing.
Thanks for sharing your story with us rcronk. I too was a rebellious college student that was not about to go on a mission. In one moment of feeling the spirit I felt that there would be a hole or gap in my life (a sense of incompleteness) if I did not serve. I cannot speak for others but for me the mission sent me on a trajectory of being a better student, employee, and ultimately meeting the woman who became my eternal companion.
It is strange because I sometimes doubt those earlier spiritual experiences and yet I DID feel them and they DID help me to change direction. They must mean something and I am thankful that I listened.
Thanks for helping me remember those experiences with the spirit.
:thumbup: P.S. I also edited the intro to add paragraphs as I was finding it difficult to find and keep my place while reading. I separated the text into distinct thoughts as best as I could.
Welcome! I think you will be a valuable participant here. Thanks, Roy, for doing what I had put off doing.
:clap: Yeah, I thought about hitting enter several times during that gigantic paragraph and for some reason didn’t so thanks for splitting it up. Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. I agree, there are less events in my life than I used to think were milestones, now I’m more into the evolution of experience and faith. Looking forward to your input in helping others that are struggling. My progress has been a mix of slow progress and light switches flipping on in jolts. I feel like God knows exactly which way I need it when I need it. I’ve found that to be true for me as well. It’s an evolving process. I feel a bit of that also. There have been times where I am ready to throw in the towel. And then I will find a more “stay in, there is some good there” podcast/blog/etc. and it keeps me from jumping.
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