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About ten years ago living in very diversified southern California, I thought it would be great to be living in a nice homogenized LDS cultural bubble like you have in Utah. However, I have recently come to a crossroads that such a way of life is suffocating me. I miss being surrounded by awesome non-LDS people. I miss my good Catholic, Buddhist, and Lutheran Friends. I have to say I even miss some of the nice “born again” types that would occasionally bash with me. I’m tired of being a ward missionary. I’m just tired of being trapped in this box-it is stifling my creativity. Every friend or acquaintance that I have comes from the LDS community and I feel like I’m gonna crack. Now I know why Provo-Orem aka Happy Valley has too many people on anti-depressants. I don’t live in that area, but I am overwhelmed with being suffocated by the bubble. I need to break free to sanity. I guess I need a vacation.
I hear you. I’m sure it’s a personal bias. And personally, I know that it would be extremely difficult for me to live somewhere like Utah Valley. It’s the “manure principle” … spread it thin and it can make a nice fertilizer. Too thick and it just stinks. I am destined to retire in southern Utah so that’s something I worry about, though that area does seem to be getting a bit more heterogeneous.
jamison, can you take a vacation? I don’t know; just asking. There is no easy answer. It is what it is. My only advice is to keep trying your best to get your personal, unique growth outside of church. That should be the focus for everyone, but it is critical especially for those who are different.
i love diversity. maybe that is why i like living in Toronto – a very multicultural city and by looking on the local transit you would think white folk were the minority here. at the beginning stages of my social disaffection with church 12 or so years ago one of the things that i was bothered by was the feeling of loss of identity – who was i in this “fishbowl” of mormon culture ? i had begun to feel like my identity was too much tied into the mormon faith. probably why i became inactive/less-active in the first place. looking back i know that my disaffection was a blessing though at the time and the difficulties seemed like a cursing. it forced me to step back and examine my life and my beliefs and who i really was outside this religious culture.
jamison wrote:I have recently come to a crossroads that such a way of life is suffocating me.
This is when prayer, or meditation, can really benefit a person, IMO. It is a good exercise to think deeply about what it is that is making you feel suffocated? Why has it changed? What would be the ideal on how you would like it to be?There are sure to be future crossroads which may change the situation again. I think it is more about learning from these changes in life and what it tells you about yourself.
I found that when I was having stress every time I went to church, it was healthy for me to take a vacation, as Ray says. But, I replaced that church time with time in the mountains with my kids, camping, or visiting Buddhist temples or other churches. In other words, trade up…trade the things that cause you stress for wholesome activities that keep you spiritually growing and connected with others, but just in different forums. I’ve noticed when I’m gone…the church moves along just fine without me, and I’m more relaxed and able to rejoin the congregation more relaxed and open to others.
But I think a suffocating feeling is signaling something you should address, and there are options besides just not going at all.
Jamison, Couple of thoughts.
I completely agree with you that Utah Mormonism is too all-encompassing. I think the thing I find most annoying about it (when I visit) is that there is a much lower sense of religion/spirituality being an aspect of life that brings strength, comfort, happiness to the rest of your life. Instead, it just IS life. You like the way the bass makes Truman Madsen’s Joseph Smith tapes sound in your car. You subconsciously watch KSL instead of KTVX. You don’t really know why, it just seems right. You name your puppy ‘Kolob’ because he is near to your heart. Then you feel guilty and awkward, so you rename him ‘Buck’. It’s just too much, and thereby loses the special sauce that spirituality should bring to you.
My first suggestion would be to look for the really good aspects of your ward and/or community. The truth is that you have to do that, no matter where you are. If you were in Alaska, you would find parts of Mormon culture you don’t like. I venture to guess that many (most?) of the inhabitants of these forums have had to overcome a lot of less desirable aspects of the Church and their wards in order to stay connected to all the positive. “Warts and all” is a phrase I see here a lot.
My second suggestion would be to move, if that’s an option. Seriously. My experience outside of Utah is that members of the church tend to feel more aware and appreciative of what the Church/religion/spirituality/whatever gives them. Let me use an example that isn’t exactly religious in nature, more cultural perhaps, but should illustrate the point. I have had a couple of non-LDS friends over the years that have decided not to have children at all. Just a married couple, making lots of money, and not spending it on formula, diapers, babysitters, soccer fees, doctors bills, college tuition. For them, it’s an entirely rational choice. They have nicer homes, nicer cars, more expensive hobbies and go on better vacations. I, on the other hand, had kids because that’s what was modeled to me. I didn’t know any different or give it any thought. Then came the bills… and there are days when I kind of feel sorry for myself that I can’t have a cabin in the woods, etc. But then a weird thing happens. I think of my friends who have no kids. I think of them missing out on all the joy. I think of them growing old with nobody to visit, or to take care of them. No grandchildren. Then, I start feeling less sorry for myself and realize that for me, I’m so glad that I’ve traded wealth for family. Had I never known people that consciously chose not to have children, I wouldn’t be so aware of the trade-off and contrast and how my decisions have been a blessing to me.
I suggest night classes. Especially language classes. I haven’t done them for years, but you get to meet and speak to people in a non-threatening situation and have fun. And you can always use those languages when you go abroad, or want a more diverse cultural experience. Another option would be informal writers’ groups.
If you’re physically fit, sports clubs and teams are an option. Something not too “jockish”.
Hope this advice is useful to you, and good luck.
Thanks for all the posts, I’m just taking my Mormonism less seriously these days, and I seem a lot more happier.
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