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I am a contender for the faith of Jesus Christ–especially for the marginalized; those out on the periphery since I am one that is on the periphery. In a lot of ways–it is like I have always been that way. I embrace much of the doctrine of the kingdom and know it is true. However, I believe there are many out there in this world like me who at times are barely holding on to the “church” in a physical sense. I’m a thirty-something that wishes at times that I could go back to being 19 and do that whole decade of decision over again. I went out on my mission too early-I wasn’t yet mentally or socially mature. I got married to my first wife way too early, and divorced after 9 years of marriage due to the safety of my son. I thought I could save someone from their past life; yet I almost lost my life trying. I had a pseudo-savior complex going on (and at times I still do) and I gave in to the false notion of having a soul-mate, yet at the same time condemning such a notion because I listened to what a prophet [Spencer W. Kimball] wrote about it not mattering who you marry as long as you work at it. I don’t believe that any two people can make it; so I lean more on the soul-mate notion –at least that is what I am doing with my second wife (viewing her as my soul mate) and so far so good. I have been a champion for those not of mainstream “white-american” culture, often in a prejudiced culture. I marginalized myself further by getting an MA degree in Anthropology. So, intellectually I am different then most of the autocratic, cookie-cutter businessmen in the Church. I am also in a profession that is predominately female. I make less money than most men with the same amount of education. I also am a champion of those with special needs, especially having a son with autism–I find this even more of a stigma. So let’s see the stigma of having been divorced, being an intellectual, having a son with a disability and being Mormon. I think my pedigree explains why I am here. I applied to the Y before the mission and after and still couldn’t get in. I had excellent grades, the Eagle Scout and Church awards. I was well rounded as an artist and an athlete. I have some disdain for the awards such as the “On My Honor Award” and the “Eagle Scout” award because it gets young men to seek the honors of men. I like the Statement from Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Holy grail, “Is it for your glory or for his (the Lord’s) [that you seek the grail]. Here is one of my favorite teachings from the New Testament that is symbolic of my experience on staylds.com:
A certain man traveling the road from Jerusalem fell among thieves-they were evil men-they robbed and they beat him-and left him for dead. Two walked past, the third helped the stranger. Jesus asked, “Which one was neighbor? They answered him, and then said the Savior, “Do likewise my friend.” Do likewise my friend and you shall live.
These two laws, above all the others: Love your God, and Love One Another. Lose your life and you shall discover it, Live how he lived. (I took this from the EFY song “Do Likewise my Friend” by Dan Truman of Diamond Rio who is an awesome member of the Church in Nashville, Tennessee.)
The Good Samaritan is why I was here. The inn is this site, the administrators are the managers of the inn. The Good Samaritan is Christ, or those who follow in his footsteps. Some of you have acted as good Samaritans to me. I am satisfied with people understanding me, and hearing me vent my frustrations. My latest two problems with Church have been resolved. I finally feel like I have arrived and that I belong (the third stage of Manslow’s hierarchy of needs). But since I now feel like I belong at Church, I guess I can no longer belong here, because that would then be a contradiction of who I am, and who I have become.
Since then, I have attempted to reach out (Like the Good Samaritan), but I feel that many are not ready for my suggestions, so therefore, I will leave this site alone since I have “fell among thieves, who have robbed and beaten me–taken my Pearls of Great Price away and treated them as naught without lending an ear to what I had to say. For these reasons, I have decided to let go of staylds.com for a season. I do not know how long. I may be back if my next problem I confront is an emotional, psychological, cultural, or sociological issue-since these are issues any human being in a structured environment (such as the Church, or this site) experience on a day-to-day basis; both positively and negatively. I will refrain from any doctrinal issues, since these should be resolved by the individual with research, scripture study, prayer and fasting. I am not your Priesthood leader, so I will not suggest anything that I am not authorized to impart unto you. In so doing, I am often misunderstood anyhow. I am a cultural anthropologist/human observer/behaviorist, not a Hebrew scholar or Egyptologist as someone has eluded to on this site (although my emphasis of study was within the anthropology of religion and educational anthropology). If I misrepresented myself I am indeed sorry and I hope you forgive me. In fact I don’t know much about Egyptian history nor do I want to. Secondly, I would rather learn Greek/Latin than Hebrew anyhow. New Testament studies intrigue me more than anything else at the moment. And to the agnostics, wolves in sheep’s clothing, and those that I am at enmity with I say this: “Wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” (Ether 12:6)
Wow, what a misfit and a sadder, but wiser soul you are. I have to say I related very closely to the mistakes you made in your first marriage. I hope heaven has a special place for the dear poor girls we married. We don’t do a lot of contending around here, but we enjoy exploring and sharing. I hope it is a helpful sharing place for you.
Hey, that’s great we have something in common. One of my holy envy’s of the Catholic church is the fact that they have like a six hour marriage course that is mandatory before you can get married in the church. I think perhaps we put a little too much emphasis on “temple Prep” versus marriage prep. Yes, the institutes have Celestial marriage classes, but they are not mandatory. I just think that some pre-marriage counseling, or mandatory classes may curb some of the divorce rates in the church. Most of my nonmember friends thought I was crazy for getting married so young the first time. I figure if someone can get their raging hormones under control then perhaps they should wait to get married. I know from a “male” perspective that hormones play a huge factor and then everything else is a check list: Active in church-check, testimony-check, attractive-check, cooks well-check, financial stability-check (men care about this one too), intelligence-check, appears to be good with kids-check (now this is the one that is easier for divorced people to know about each other, especially if the one you remarry is the custodial parent and you can see how they parent from first-hand experience), etc. Oh– another big one; how does the perspective spouse treat their parents, and how do they solve problems. jamison wrote:Hey, that’s great we have something in common. One of my holy envy’s of the Catholic church is the fact that they have like a six hour marriage course that is mandatory before you can get married in the church. I think perhaps we put a little too much emphasis on “temple Prep” versus marriage prep. Yes, the institutes have Celestial marriage classes, but they are not mandatory. I just think that some pre-marriage counseling, or mandatory classes may curb some of the divorce rates in the church. Most of my nonmember friends thought I was crazy for getting married so young the first time. I figure if someone can get their raging hormones under control then perhaps they should wait to get married. I know from a “male” perspective that hormones play a huge factor and then everything else is a check list: Active in church-check, testimony-check, attractive-check, cooks well-check, financial stability-check (men care about this one too), intelligence-check, appears to be good with kids-check (now this is the one that is easier for divorced people to know about each other, especially if the one you remarry is the custodial parent and you can see how they parent from first-hand experience), etc. Oh– another big one; how does the perspective spouse treat their parents, and how do they solve problems.
Although I’ve never been divorced, I almost was, and had to figure out how to make the marriage work. I’m also an intellectual with a number of years of advanced education in different areas, and moving on to more studies in November (and a little nervous about it too). I think we all feel like misfits here though….terms like second-class citizens, aliens, etcetera are often used to describe how we see ourselves as members in the Church.
LIke you, I found the Church “wanting” in solid advice to couples preparing for marriage. I only figured out what makes marriage tick when my own marriage started falling apart many years ago, and found the resources at
http://www.marriagebuilders.com . I think each couple should have the opportunity to engage in some self-reflection with a view to self-knowledge about their needs in marriage, through some kind of facilitation of course — before they pick their intended spouse and get engaged. They need to understand their assumptions about life after looking at their own family life and upringing, as well as the roles their parents took in the marriage/family household, and they need to know what their OWN emotional needs are. They also need to understand what needs they are capable of meeting in their eventual spouse, and to engage in some serious talking and exploration about mutual needs with people they consider seriously for marriage. They also need to understand how well a particular spouse is likely to meet their emotional needs before they commit to marriage.One can never be certain, but I think there are definite clues one can uncover by spending time with the person’s family and watching the family dynamic.
There IS a celestial marriage course, I heard, in the Church, but I’ve never seen the materials. Nor is it offerred in any of the Stakes I’ve lived in, which are in the “mission field”. There is also the family relations course, but I haven’t seen it offered much, nor do I know about its content.
Yes, I agree wholeheartedly there is much room for improvement in the way we prepare couples for marriage. And you’re right, the focus is on the temple, not the marriage relationship.
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