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I couldn’t find a link directly to the article, but here is the magazine – you have to flip to page 18. http://marriottschool.uberflip.com/i/737436-fall-2016 It’s called ‘Case Studies for Parents of Adults.’
I particularly liked the ones about how to deal with an adult daughter who is in her 30s and unmarried, and how to deal with an adult child having a faith crisis. (I love that they quoted Julie De Azevedo Hanks, and referred readers to Aspiring Mormon Women!)
Unfortunately, my husband informed me that the tips on dealing with a family member with a faith crisis (Tip #1:
Don’t make it about you) don’t apply in our marriage, because I am his spouse and not his child. Oh well, you win some, you lose some… Thanks for sharing Joni. That’s definitely one of those sources most here would not have found on our own. I didn’t even know that magazine existed before. Actually, the “don’t make it about yourself” thing was a stumbling block for us when my faith crisis came to a head. I think it’s very applicable to the believing spouse because the tendency seems to be the belief that somehow the person in crisis is endangering the spouse’s (and/or the family’s) chances at eternal life and the believing spouse often makes it about them. Other examples are the spouse who says he or she married a temple worthy person because they were temple worthy. Those types of statements are making it about the believer and not the person in crisis. That said, there is another dimension with children in the “what did I do wrong?” complex.
I will share something here I have not previously shared. During my period of inactivity my (previous) stake president asked to meet with me. He came to my home, not his office. He talked a lot about my family, my sons who didn’t hold the priesthood, etc. I was guarded about what I shared with him concerning my beliefs or lack thereof, except I was less guarded in those days and made it fairly clear I did not believe the truth claims of the church and that I thought my ward leadership was wholly uninspired (for if they were inspired they would have been prompted to answer my prayers). I had hoped before the meeting that he was inspired, that he would try to address some of my issues and that he cared about
me. I came away from the meeting feeling as though he didn’t care about me at all, but cared much more that my family was doing what they were supposed to be doing (and probably an underlying fear that my boys wouldn’t go on missions, heaven forbid!) and that alas, he was also uninspired. He thought he could use the Jedi mind trick to bring me back, and he failed miserably at that (Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded). The guy was truly a nice guy, doing his best and in retrospect and as I got to know more about him I believe he was trying to exercise true Christlike love and may have actually been inspired (he was just misguided). At any rate this meeting bothered me for quite awhile and I finally penned him a letter telling him so and why – that meeting wasn’t about me. He did apologize and admit his mistake, which is in my experience a rarity for a church leader in his position. But it was too late for him and we both knew it. He did meet with me a couple times after that, even taking me and my wife out to dinner once. Faith crises are personal, and they’re not about anyone else. There is no way not to be selfish about them.
Hmmm… Many years ago, a psychologist friend told me to listen when people made excuses. They will list 3 or 4 of them, but the real excuse is the last one they mention. Example: “We didn’t attend because I worked late, my husband was tired, the kids were acting up, and we were short on money.” Answer: Money was their real issue.
Articles often follow that same pattern. They put in filler stories but save the real reason of the article for the last scenario — especially when it is seen as controversial.
This article starts out with typical single kid issues, moves to a more serious and real single daughter situation and .. BOOM .. Faith Crisis. It’s a great article to teach people how to react.
Usually I just frisbee alumni magazines into the trash. Thank you for sharing this Joni.
AP – you are confusing me. I have heard in conference that we are NOT having any mass faith crisis’s within the church! So why would they need to be talking about that? Your “unwritten order of things”
LookingHard wrote:AP – you are confusing me. I have heard in conference that we are NOT having any mass faith crisis’s within the church! So why would they need to be talking about that?
Your “unwritten order of things”
Not to differ LH, but I don’t think I’ve heard that. What I hear on the local level especially is very different from that, although I don’t think any of us would necessarily term it as “mass.” Nevertheless, twice this week I have been in conversations with stake leadership about issues people, especially those we might call millennials, have. And the consensus both times has been that it’s a real problem, that there are no pat answers, and that the Brethren are aware of it and concerned about it. I think the article is timely and we need to start seeing more articles like this in the Ensign.
DW receives both the BYU alumni and the Marriott Business College alumni magazines. The Marriott BC magazine is consistently better (less churchy/ensign like) IMO. One of my favorite articles ever was about Micro loans to individuals in developing nations. Real Gospel in Action stuff! DarkJedi wrote:LookingHard wrote:AP – you are confusing me. I have heard in conference that we are NOT having any mass faith crisis’s within the church! So why would they need to be talking about that?
Your “unwritten order of things”
Not to differ LH, but I don’t think I’ve heard that. What I hear on the local level especially is very different from that, although I don’t think any of us would necessarily term it as “mass.” Nevertheless, twice this week I have been in conversations with stake leadership about issues people, especially those we might call millennials, have. And the consensus both times has been that it’s a real problem, that there are no pat answers, and that the Brethren are aware of it and concerned about it. I think the article is timely and we need to start seeing more articles like this in the Ensign.
Sorry – my snarcasm (snarky sarcasm) doesn’t always come across in writing. I was trying to joke a bit with some truth.To be more serious, I think the fact that we are hearing more and more about the topic that it is indicating that there is a change from the past.
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