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OK I asked a question earlier about standing firm in my beliefs. I saw how great of help it was, so I’d decided to shoot out something else I really need some help with; well more like support and advice. Anyways, I understand that no one is perfect, and I am far from it. I have my personal challenges. I struggle with Pornography. That’s probably one of my biggest weaknesses. Anyways, to be specific I’m Mormon. I’ve had some issues. Not really with the church, I’ve just been sort of losing interest in it. But I acknowledge how much great things the LDS-Faith can do for me, and anyone! I just feel so low compared to other people my age who are LDS. They’re all serving full-time missions, getting married and what not. The only thing I’ve got going for me is school, that’s about it. I don’t have a girlfriend either, but I don’t think that’ll solve my problems lol. I live in a very heavy LDS area. There’s lots of cliches. Even now that I’m in Community College. I don’t go to the singles ward for a reason. It’s basically ran by the same people who ran high school. You know, like with all the cliches and what not. I’ve just struggled! My Dad has been in the stake presidency for over 8 years now. So he’s very wrapped up in LDS things. Like socially. I am however moving to University this Fall though, thankfully. My Mom constantly keeps reminding me that things will be much better there. Because I will come to realize that I’m normal and fit in. Because a lot of people in the town where my University is located are very humble members of the church, and realize that they’re not perfect. I go to Institute twice a week also. I also remember that the prophet saying that those who attend institute regularly will be blessed. But I tend to think that’s just a lie, but I don’t want to believe that, because it was said by a prophet of God, so it must be true!
Also, I have really been struggling trying to get over this girl. She and I are really good friends, but I have a HUGE crush on her. It’s basically the type of situation where she doesn’t deserve how great I am, and I have many friends who have told me to that I should have dumped her friendship a very long time ago. I really don’t know what it is that’s making me not letting go. Because after all, I think it would be pretty easy. One theory is that she’s been literally the only person I do things with. There’s this other girl, however she’s not LDS. She doesn’t have the greatest standards, but we’re good friends. We’re both sort of two depressed human beings. She has a boyfriend though, so I don’t want to come in between them, but sometimes she has wanted to hang out, I hope she asks again though. Or I ask her, I guess. But yeah, basically that girl I like is having a major impact on me. Like I said, I have ZERO idea as to why it does, but it just does.
I also have major self esteem problems! I tend to compare myself to others quite often. And it’s more of me saying how much of a worse person I am because I’m not very active or I don’t go to the Temple or whatever. So that’s another issue I have. I haven’t served a mission yet, nor do I think I will because I feel like it’s too late. I turn 21 later this fall. I wasn’t able to go because of a medical issues. However that is now nearing it’s end, I’m just so caught up in school right now, I feel like if I leave on a mission, I’ll be worse off.
I am sorry if this sounds like me just complaining. But this is really the only form of support I have anymore. I don’t want to tell my parents about it, because I think they have their own problems to worry about. And I don’t really want to talk my bishop. Because he’s new, and while he’s a nice guy, he is still trying to figure things out. Like the bishop before would always want to meet with me at least 2-3 times a month. This one doesn’t even know I’m there, basically.
I would focus on fixing the self-esteem issue. For me, that was the core of most problems I struggled with years ago. If you can find a good therapist, that would help. I don’t think it’s important for them to be LDS as its a cognitive problem, self-esteem is. If one can learn to think the right thoughts, one can overcome these problems. I struggled with self-esteem as a young adult and saw a therapist and it helped. There was also a book called “Getting to Know the Real You” by Ellsworth and Ellsworth that really helped me.
Here it is, used for $0.01 on Amazon plus shipping:
It is written by LDS psychologists, but I found it helped me a lot as a young adult.
I would also tackle the porn problem. I think internet filtering software is probably best as that is where you are probably getting the porn. If you make it impossible to get it easily, that would help you get off it. Although I know you will still have urges to deal with, but one thing at a time.
I don’t have a lot of advice about girlfriends, other than I know it hurts to like someone and not be able to express it. The thing to remember is that someone will come along that will want to be with you effortlessly. I would read a book called His Needs, Her Needs, and get to know your own emotional needs now, before you pick someone to be with forever. This is critical. You need to find someone who a) meets your emotional needs without changing who they are and b) whose needs YOU meet without changing who you are. A good book to help you understand your own emotional needs is called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Junior. He also has a site called marriagebuilders.com where there used to be an emotional needs questionnaire. If you can figure out what your needs are, you’ll avert a ton of mistakes in marrying the wrong person. But I find that most people in your age groups ignore this advice, although I consider it one of the greatest investments a person can make in learning the key factors that make a successful relationship or marriage eventually.
I know you may not be thinking of marriage right now, but really, learning about what makes a marriage tick will do a lot during this period in your life as you experience dates and potential partners eventually.
Hope that helps.
Fwiw, I have a little experience with what you are going through. I have had my issues with porn and low self esteem. I am fifty years old now and still struggle with self esteem. I dont have advise on that. What helps me now is that i have a little confidence in my abilities. In other words, I have achieved a few things. As for the porn, the best help for me was the Addiction Recovery Program of the church. I don’t know how it would be in a college town. The whole institute might be attending. Young and religious people tend to try to out-righteous each other. At least in my experience. His needs Her needs is the best relationship book I have ever read. Dr. Laura wrote a book called ten stupid things men do to ruin their relationships….or something like that.
As far as a mission, it is totally up to you. Dont let guilt put you there. Dont worry about age either. If you want to go, go.
Personally, i like that i went on a mission. But, i probably should not have gone because it nearly destroyed me emotionally.
Doubt this helps but things do eventually get better.
I second SD’s idea of seeing a counselor. It’s really not a bad thing. I also agree with your mom – university will probably be better than community college if only because some community colleges can be very much like high school. I dislike how some members of the church seem to try to make a mission a requirement – it’s not, and there are some lots of guys who just shouldn’t go for various reasons. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, that’s up to you to decide, but go because you want to go and feel ready to go, not because it’s expected. You can always remind people Pres. Monson didn’t serve a mission and he seems to have turned out OK and has met with a little success in the church. Couple of thoughts: – you’re 20.5 years old. That’s no where close to too old to serve a mission. From your description, I would say don’t go on a mission, but it’s important to be honest with yourself. Don’t go because you don’t want to go or because you are not ready to go or you don’t think you would do well with it. Don’t use age as an excuse. People who suffer from low self esteem (in my experience) often let life happen to them… and then they line up the reasons why it was out of their control. First step, decide not to go on a mission and base it on your own reasons… not just I wanted to go but woke up one morning and I was too old. In other words, decide. Decide not to go (as that appears to be what you want). Not deciding and then not going because you didn’t decide is letting external factors take control of your life. That kind of approach will reinforce your self esteem issues.
– porn. OK, here’s the thing. Breasts are beautiful. There, I said it. Having desires is a natural thing. You were born into the human race where sexual attraction is a major motivator, and my guess based on where the money is in the sex industry, is that it is strongest in heterosexual men. There’s really nothing wrong with feeling attraction toward the female form, looking a little longer at the girl at the side of the road, or looking at a little soft porn occasionally. The major issue with porn is in increasing its use, going on to harder stuff, and forming habits that make it impossible to stay away from it. In that sense, think of it just like alcoholism. It’s not wrong to have a beer, but it is destructive to let it rule your life. Many people that start with a beer at a party eventually are drinking vodka by themselves at 3 in the afternoon. Beer is fine but alcoholism ruins people’s lives. The remedy for alcoholics is to take their life back by getting alcohol out of it.
– girlfriend. This is just a generic comment. I don’t know enough about you or either of the two girls you mentioned to make it any more than that… but a lot of people with low self esteem wind up with friends (and girlfriends) who are even lower. It’s as if they see wounded people with severe emotional problems and they think, hey, I’m better off than that person, and doing so helps them feel better about themselves. Just make sure you don’t fall into that trap with friends or girlfriends. It’s fine to have friends that have emotional issues, just make sure that that’s not all the friends you have.
– counseling. I suggest counseling. You already recognize that you have a self esteem problem, and that is a very good thing. It’s the first major step in getting beyond it. A counselor (I’m talking the professional kind, not the friend/parent/bishop kind) can really help you get control of your life in ways you can’t now imagine.
OON has some great advice. I suggest framing your life from where you want to go. Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 or 20 years? Then work backwards on what steps you might want to take now to make that dream more likely.
Life will happen and your dreams will change in the process – but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be actively engaged while the sun still shines.
It is your dream – own it.
Easier said than done I know – but the accumulation of small steps can do impressive things.
DarkJedi wrote:I second SD’s idea of seeing a counselor. It’s really not a bad thing. I also agree with your mom – university will probably be better than community college if only because some community colleges can be very much like high school. I dislike how some members of the church seem to try to make a mission a requirement – it’s not, and there are some lots of guys who just shouldn’t go for various reasons. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, that’s up to you to decide, but go because you want to go and feel ready to go, not because it’s expected. You can always remind people Pres. Monson didn’t serve a mission and he seems to have turned out OK and has met with a little success in the church.
Actually what’s ironic about your statement is that I said something similar after President Monson Announced the lowering of ages for sister missionaries and guy missionaries. While I appreciated him receiving revelation and never said it was wrong, I told some people that it’s not a requirement to go at that age and that it’s more of an eligibility thing when it comes to being able to serve at 18 years old for YM. Because now in the area where I live, that’s the social norm, and it’s quite sad.I think SD and OON are both excellent comments for help. It is not like wishing low self esteem or habits away. It takes positive mental thinking which is hard to find because it isn’t taught in most environments. Most of the common consensus people reach regarding it are way off base. There are some books available that are great but it helps to have interaction of how to think in positives ways looking at things from different healthy perspectives. Everyone is a works in progress. As such we all have limitations. Some can be overcome in short time for some and much longer for others. While some take a lifetime to master. Take things step at a time. Go out and enjoy things that give you life and happiness. Not by telling yourself not to focus on certain things to force yourself out of it but by focusing on what does speak to your spirit and bring it joy. Over time you become preoccupied buy what you aren’t doing right, can be a dangerous path to continue to go down. Focus on what you are doing right, while acknowledging your mistakes(no one is perfect no matter how they appear to be).
But most of all forgiveness and moving forward begins with self and radiates outwards. GF are nice to have but relationships can compound problems with self esteem issues and make it worse. Try to work on yourself first. If you have a relationship it will last by being healthy.
I guess take it from a guy who learned the hard way, if you can’t take care of yourself first any every that you have won’t sustain to take care of others. Take care of yourself please. Although it would be nice, you can’t count on others to help.
I will try to link books latter when I have the time. Mediation often helps with quite reflection as your body, spirit and mind speak to you and tell you what they need. It helps a tom once you learn to hear yourself, often times we can get so busy or so preoccupied with thought that we drowned it out. Hence the phrase (stop to smell the roses).
Always take time to the beauty in life(what ever that means for you).
P.S. Relationships are great but if you are looking for one to make you happy it is destructive because it creates co-dependency. Be happy with yourself first before entering in one if you want it to last and stay healthy for both of you(whom ever that is now or future). Take care.
willb1993 wrote:DarkJedi wrote:I second SD’s idea of seeing a counselor. It’s really not a bad thing. I also agree with your mom – university will probably be better than community college if only because some community colleges can be very much like high school. I dislike how some members of the church seem to try to make a mission a requirement – it’s not, and there are some lots of guys who just shouldn’t go for various reasons. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, that’s up to you to decide, but go because you want to go and feel ready to go, not because it’s expected. You can always remind people Pres. Monson didn’t serve a mission and he seems to have turned out OK and has met with a little success in the church.
Actually what’s ironic about your statement is that I said something similar after President Monson Announced the lowering of ages for sister missionaries and guy missionaries. While I appreciated him receiving revelation and never said it was wrong, I told some people that it’s not a requirement to go at that age and that it’s more of an eligibility thing when it comes to being able to serve at 18 years old for YM. Because now in the area where I live, that’s the social norm, and it’s quite sad.This is fairly normal in many cultures. In seeking security people look for people who speak authoritatively with certainty.
Many people in all cultures hate to think about complex issues of morality and would rather leave the decisions to their authority in their sphere. So any suggestions are advice is usually taken with certainty for the feeling if security it provides
People. So it usually morphs from there in the respective community to absolute. It’s the need for security in absolute answers that turns suggestions into absolutes so it can provide the safety and secure feeling they need in their decisions(in order to reach that feeling they have to be sure;absolute about their decisions.
It’s not just a Mormon thing, indeed it’s rather human or natural for most people.
willb1993 wrote:DarkJedi wrote:I second SD’s idea of seeing a counselor. It’s really not a bad thing. I also agree with your mom – university will probably be better than community college if only because some community colleges can be very much like high school. I dislike how some members of the church seem to try to make a mission a requirement – it’s not, and there are some lots of guys who just shouldn’t go for various reasons. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, that’s up to you to decide, but go because you want to go and feel ready to go, not because it’s expected. You can always remind people Pres. Monson didn’t serve a mission and he seems to have turned out OK and has met with a little success in the church.
Actually what’s ironic about your statement is that I said something similar after President Monson Announced the lowering of ages for sister missionaries and guy missionaries. While I appreciated him receiving revelation and never said it was wrong, I told some people that it’s not a requirement to go at that age and that it’s more of an eligibility thing when it comes to being able to serve at 18 years old for YM. Because now in the area where I live, that’s the social norm, and it’s quite sad.Pres. Monson actually said in the announcement that not everyone should go at 18. He never said it was a revelation, though – just had to point that out.
You need to make your own choices, but nearly all Japanese missionaries go after college. Most are at least 23. My oldest son went at 21, and that was much better for him than 19 would have been. DarkJedi wrote:willb1993 wrote:DarkJedi wrote:I second SD’s idea of seeing a counselor. It’s really not a bad thing. I also agree with your mom – university will probably be better than community college if only because some community colleges can be very much like high school. I dislike how some members of the church seem to try to make a mission a requirement – it’s not, and there are some lots of guys who just shouldn’t go for various reasons. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, that’s up to you to decide, but go because you want to go and feel ready to go, not because it’s expected. You can always remind people Pres. Monson didn’t serve a mission and he seems to have turned out OK and has met with a little success in the church.
Actually what’s ironic about your statement is that I said something similar after President Monson Announced the lowering of ages for sister missionaries and guy missionaries. While I appreciated him receiving revelation and never said it was wrong, I told some people that it’s not a requirement to go at that age and that it’s more of an eligibility thing when it comes to being able to serve at 18 years old for YM. Because now in the area where I live, that’s the social norm, and it’s quite sad.Pres. Monson actually said in the announcement that not everyone should go at 18. He never said it was a revelation, though – just had to point that out.
Really? Oh that’s interesting! Because that’s what everyone said to be and basically told me to go hell for disagreeing with revelation. lol
You can read it for yourself here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/welcome-to-conference?lang=eng&query=Thomas+S.+Monson ” class=”bbcode_url”> https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/welcome-to-conference?lang=eng&query=Thomas+S.+Monson Quote:I am pleased to announce that effective immediately all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.
As we have prayerfully pondered the age at which young men may begin their missionary service, we have also given consideration to the age at which a young woman might serve. Today I am pleased to announce that able, worthy young women who have the desire to serve may be recommended for missionary service beginning at age 19, instead of age 21.
No mention of revelation, and as an afterthought when talking about the sister missionary age change he simply said it was “prayerfully pondered.” I’m sure they did pray about it, but I see no evidence it was revelation – not even from the prophet himself. For those who believe it was revelation, do they believe the 18 month missions were revelation also? That apparently didn’t pan out they way they wanted it too. So a relative short time later they changed it back. Another revelation? More logically, it’s better to look at both for what they are – policy changes.
But let’s not get too far off track with that. I served an 18 month mission and left when I had just turned 24. I was not the oldest guy in my mission – there were two older than me. My son is currently serving a mission and in the other companionship in his apartment there is a 25 year old. If you don’t think you’re ready right now, by all means wait until you are.
Heres some things I see from what you have said and from my own experience. You posed the question of how to stand strong in your beliefs, but you also mentioned that are losing interest in the church, so obviously you are trying to figure what you want right now. I think first you need to tackle the pornagraphy issue before in order to make some decisions with a clear head. Remember that Gandi would fast and pray many days before making important decisions, in order to purify himself and to recieve guidance. Why do I say that? Well, I have had a couple of bouts with porn in my life and it seems sometimes the times when it feels like it is needed are times it should be most avoided. No, struggling with porn does not mean that you will go to hell automatically, that you will molest someone, or that you will have no control over your choices as hinted by some GAs and authorities in the past. I do feel it is a drug that ones need more and more to get that same high, and yes there is a definite rush or high with it and you definitely feel worse after it is over, over time. It does affect in more subtel ways though. When I first moved out west, I got into porn somewhat as a young teenager for a little over a year. I noticed that I started comparing myself to everyone at school. I dropped my friends because they were no longer cool enough for me and the only kids I thought that were good enough to be around me were the ultra popular. The only problem was I was not good enough to be in their group so I decided that I would just be by myself, not very social and pretty prideful. At the same time I envied others a lot because they were better at sports, or smarter or recieved more attention. Later, during another bout with porn for a little bit, I noticed that I was comparing my spouse to other women in the ward, which was not fair to her. I say this because you seem like you are comparing yourself a lot to those around you who you mention are snobs and may very well be, and therefore dealing with some pride and envy issues right now and I feel that this likely adding to your self-esteem issues and not feeling as good as you could about yourself right now. I know it may seem challenging not see how others have been going places in the two/three years since graduation why you may not feel you have as much to show for this time and you may feel judged by others wondering why a member of the stake presidency’s son isn’t going on a mission; but the ball is in your court, however. There is a reason that Christ dealt with the tempation of appetite- the stone to bread, before he dealt with the tempation of pride vs reality as pointed out Covey in Spirtual roots of human relations. Things like this tend to have a big impact on our relationships. I think when you close the distance between you and God you will not care so much what others think of you, but what you feel about you according to your internal compass will matter a lot more.
Porn seems to be the most alluring to those who are isolated, like me right after a move and not having many friends, and those who are looking to feel a void in their lives. Of course a lot of people do it because they like it and see nothing wrong with it. I later realized how the porn industry chews people up and spits them out, and exploits them, how it is not like real physical intimacy. Hard porn with its emphasis on just penetration, and no real embracing- so unlike physical intimacy. C’mon we are all adults here. I am never going back to that hardcore porn crap.You need to realize as well that things like porn will influence your attitude and how you feel about your relationship and need for God and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I noticed for me that when I was on it, my relationship with God was not that important, and church seem less interesting, but when I got rid of it, in time, my connection to God and feeling of the need for the atonement became strong again. The Book of Mormon gives a great example of how choices affect perspective. In Alma 39-43, Alma the younger gives doctrine to his son Corianton, because Corianton had some doctrinal issues with the plan of salvation which were influenced by the choices he had made. No, you looking at porn is not close to sins of Corianton, but Satan does influence our perspective when we are doing things that diminish our spirituality, like making a desire to have a strong connection with God appearing more pointless. Many Ward members on this forum have discovered troubling things about church history and mistakes of prophets and apostles while making great sacrifices for the gospel. While still maintaining a strong connection with God, they can still have that strong connection while having those differences, but you seem to be negative not for any doctrinal reason, but just take issue and just because. I do find that a little troubling. You have not mentioned prayer, or meditation or any kind of divine inspiration as a source to make your decisions, but conversely focus on how everyone percieves you. The Lord works from the inside out, let him change you so that this envy and comparison is rooted out of your heart and replaced with God’s love.
If you let go of the pornagraphy and get a strong connection with God, does that mean that the mission will be the obvious right choice, not necessarily, but with a cleared head I think your direction that will be best for you will be more obvious. Will taking this step make you all of the sudden into just a happy person with great self-esteem, it not that simple, but you will have more peace of mind. I can tell you in college, it is pretty challenging not to look at girls like a peace of meat, when you are on that stuff. And yes counseling I think is also very needed for you for self-esteem. Do not worry about the stupid Mormon time line- going on a mission, getting married at 22, and 6 kids by 30; it is a ridiculous expectation. Do what you feel is right for you after seeking God’s guidance, for with God as your constant companion, you cannot go wrong. I know this likely sounds kind of preachy but you are making some big decisions right now, you need God in your corner.
Forgotten_Charity wrote:I think SD and OON are both excellent comments for help.
It is not like wishing low self esteem or habits away. It takes positive mental thinking which is hard to find because it isn’t taught in most environments. Most of the common consensus people reach regarding it are way off base. There are some books available that are great but it helps to have interaction of how to think in positives ways looking at things from different healthy perspectives. Everyone is a works in progress. As such we all have limitations. Some can be overcome in short time for some and much longer for others. While some take a lifetime to master. Take things step at a time. Go out and enjoy things that give you life and happiness. Not by telling yourself not to focus on certain things to force yourself out of it but by focusing on what does speak to your spirit and bring it joy. Over time you become preoccupied buy what you aren’t doing right, can be a dangerous path to continue to go down. Focus on what you are doing right, while acknowledging your mistakes(no one is perfect no matter how they appear to be).
But most of all forgiveness and moving forward begins with self and radiates outwards. GF are nice to have but relationships can compound problems with self esteem issues and make it worse. Try to work on yourself first. If you have a relationship it will last by being healthy.
I guess take it from a guy who learned the hard way, if you can’t take care of yourself first any every that you have won’t sustain to take care of others. Take care of yourself please. Although it would be nice, you can’t count on others to help.
I will try to link books latter when I have the time. Mediation often helps with quite reflection as your body, spirit and mind speak to you and tell you what they need. It helps a tom once you learn to hear yourself, often times we can get so busy or so preoccupied with thought that we drowned it out. Hence the phrase (stop to smell the roses).
Always take time to the beauty in life(what ever that means for you).
P.S. Relationships are great but if you are looking for one to make you happy it is destructive because it creates co-dependency. Be happy with yourself first before entering in one if you want it to last and stay healthy for both of you(whom ever that is now or future). Take care.
Thanks. I cannot describe how grateful I am for this.
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