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Hi all. My daughter just turned 12 and will get to do baptisms for the dead soon. Does the bishop have to do the temple recommend interview? For many reasons, I don’t want my daughter to have an interview alone with him. I am uncomfortable with her having private interviews with any man, but I have specific concerns about our bishop. In school or sports or anything else, a male teacher or coach or employer would have someone else in the room if he had to talk to a young girl, right? Dh shares my concerns and opinion of the bishop and will not let her be alone in a room with him, but is OK with his counselors. (We are not worried about abuse or inappropriate behavior, just his harshness, negativity, and male chauvinism.) So my question is, has anyone ever stayed in the room with their children for interviews? How do I make sure her interview is not with the bishop? What do I do about the many interviews coming up for my 3 daughters? Surely I’m not the only one to have concerns about this. Like I said, doctors, teachers, etc. protect themselves and girls by having someone else in the room at all times, but we’re just supposed to be OK with it in church. Quick update on me. Dh and I are understanding each other better & doing better at being patient and sympathetic with each other. It is a huge relief to me. We’ve both had to let go of some expectations, but our relationship is stronger. I feel like because of my loss of faith and disillusionment from the church, our marriage had become more about the two of us. It has been hard and painful, but rewarding. I still don’t know what my church activity will look like in 5 or 10 years, but do any of us really know what life has in store for us?
Thanks.
I understand your concern. I’m not aware of parents or others actually being present in a TR interview, but I don’t know that it’s forbidden, either. There is no reason that the interview couldn’t be held with the door partly open as well – that’s standard in some situations. You could be outside the door. And, no, the bishop does not have to conduct the interview, his counselors can. If something major comes up in the interview (something like chastity) the counselor does have to refer it to the bishop. When I was a counselor we routinely did these interviews on Mutual night and just pulled kids one after the other out of YM & YW. Not sure how it’s done there, but you could ask one of the counselors to do the interview if you feel comfortable doing so. Not knowing your situation in that much depth, the counselor may mention to the bishop that you asked him and the bishop may or may not find that unusual. The questions are the same for everyone, so you’re aware. I sat in on my sons baptism interview. I’m not sure what I’m going to do in a couple of years once my daughter goes into her teens. This is where we need an appeal to the Church Handbook. I know that in my interactions with adult students, we are able to remove parents from meetings with administrators. However, I would think that in the case of a minor, the parent has the right to be present whether the church likes it or not.
I’m not sure what the handbook says but yes, by law, I would imagine the parent could insist on being present. Some bishops would take a pretty dim view of that request though. They see it as their 1-2-1 opportunity. To council/guide/teach and sometimes correct without the parent there.
I have known bishops who were very active in wanting to guide and council the youth and see it as their “special time.”
I personally think a lot, perhaps too much, is made of the intrusive nature of a bishop’s interview. From experience (and I can only speak from my experience), there is sincerity even is there is clumsiness and sometimes amateurish counselling techniques.
Saying that, I completely understand your cautiousness. You are the parents and any conversations about life choices, standards etc should be yours to have first.
There is no hardcore requirement that insists parents can’t be present during a youth interview. I would encourage that route, rather than asking that it never happen with the Bishop. I would say simply that you are uncomfortable with any adult male interviewing young girls alone, in any setting, and would be happy to have your daughters interviewed – but only if you or your husband are there, as well. That way, it’s not personal. Also, mention the primary policy of not having a male teacher alone in a primary class. It’s not like your concern is “out there” if the Church is willing to have a policy like that and make sure it is enforced. What’s the alternative? They don’t conduct interviews with your daughters. If that happens, and if it gets in the way of your daughter attending the temple, go straight to the Stake President and repeat to him what you said to the Bishopric. There is no reason your request shouldn’t be granted. If it is, go higher. Someone will understand and agree.
We tend to be willing to make accommodations more for the youth than for adults.
I agree with ray that it’s better to make a blanket request to be in there rater than solely with the bishop. That could get quite personal and uncomfortable. My husband went in with our son for his baptism interview too. I plan to have one of us go in with him as long as he wants us to (or I really mean will let us). I’ve heard too many stories of Bishops giving kids ideas by asking inappropriate questions. I wouldn’t give an explanation, just go in the room with her. If he asks what you’re doing, just say that both you and she want you to be there with her for the interview. I can’t imagine a Bishop being so bold as to keep questioning your being there without it sounding odd or creepy as to why he would insist on being alone with your daughter. journeygirl wrote:I can’t imagine a Bishop being so bold as to keep questioning your being there without it sounding odd or creepy as to why he would insist on being alone with your daughter.
I made this request to my bishop after my daughter came home from YW interviews balling. I simply stated that from that point on, I was to be present when any adult interview my children. The bishop told me it was not recommended, because the feeling was that when responding to worthiness questions with a parent in the room, the children might not feel they could be honest.I simply replied that my kids tell me mostly everything, we are very close and open with each other. My concern is greater for adults that my kids aren’t close to asking them questions about their morality and specific worthiness questions than it is that their dad in the room influencing how open they answer it.
The bishop did not like my position and said I needed to trust those who are called by revelation. I did not try to create a problem, I just said if that can’t be done, it is not a problem for my children to skip the temple baptisms.
Sorry to hear that, Heber13. I can’t believe they really think it’s better for a child to feel comfortable talking to a stranger about their personal lives over their own parents. I guess in cases where the parents are being abusive or something and are trying to hide that, then it would be a problem if the child can’t be away from them, but that can’t be so common as to be their reason for wanting to do private interviews. I guess I will find out what they say to me as my son gets older and I continue to attend with him. . . Fwiw, the following post is one of the top viewed on my personal blog, from almost exactly two years ago: “
Sex and Bishop’s Youth Interviews” ( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2011/11/sex-and-bishops-youth-interviews.html I know lots of people who have insisted on being present with their kids in these interviews. I have not, but I haven’t been concerned about any of my specific bishops while the kids are teens. If you have a vibe, even just one that he might be very harsh and negative, you are following the spirit not to let them in those interview rooms alone. That’s what you as parents should be listening for. So you’re on track. Friends I know who have made this stand did so jointly as a couple, explaining their position about adult males being behind closed doors with their kids without supervision not being allowed per their family rules, and that they are happy to sit in. I would just be straightforward with no drama. Honestly, a bishop who would push back on that is probably the sort of person you should steer your kids clear of! Not to be alarmist, but I heard an incredibly disturbing story of a YW whose bishop was asking her for details about masturbating, something she hadn’t done, and about her sexual fantasies. When she didn’t have enough sexual experience to answer his questions, he got very frustrated and agitated and started to yell at her as if she was deliberately withholding on him. She got a very bad feeling from this guy whose behaviors sound predatory to me as an adult, but to a teen are probably incomprehensible and frightening. Others I have heard tell that they hadn’t experimented at all sexually until the ideas were planted in their minds by leaders who were too detailed.
Yikes Hawkgrrl. The notion that a grown man can ask a teenage girl detailed questions about sex just seems wrong when I step back and think about it. When it’s time in a few years I may have a direct discussion with both my daughter and the Bishop.
I would explain to my daughter, in a specific but appropriate way, what the law of chastity is and that in order to attend the temple she will need to live it.
I will also tell her that the Bishop will ask her whether she keeps the law of chastity and she should answer it, yes or no, based on her personal perspective but that she doesn’t need to give any more detailed an answer than that, even if asked.
I will finally speak to the Bishop and councillors that detailed sexual questions are not acceptable and they can ask as much as they ask me in a TR interview, living the law of chastity (Yes/No) but no more than that. I’d try to say it in a way that is kind to all parties and explain that sexual discussion is not appropriate in an un-chaperoned meeting.
What do you think? Reasonable? Unrealistic?
I think that is great, Mackay. We should definitely teach our children what will take place in the interview and what the questions will be. That way they will know if it deviates from what it is suppose to be if the Bishop starts asking too detailed of questions. We could even role play with them of how they could tell the interviewer that they feel uncomfortable with the detailed questions or something like that, so they will be brave enough to stop the interview if it gets inappropriate. That could be a good solution for when they get older and may not want a parent with them. Hi Southern. It’s great to hear from you. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. As others have mentioned, I think insisting on being present for all interviews is your right as a parent and shouldn’t cause any problems. My 9 year-old son wanted to attend a temple dedication this past year and had to have an interview with a member of the bishopric. I went with him. The counselor doing the interview went through the questions and I was caught off guard and bit surprised to hear him ask my son “Do you obey the law of chastity?” My son just looked at me like “What on earth is that?!” I gave a very brief, age-appropriate definition and we glossed right over it. I’m glad I was there though. I’m glad to hear that you and your husband are doing better and using your faith transition to become closer and stronger. Best of luck!
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