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Hello all! I just want to start by saying that I’m super impressed with the nature of discussions on this forum. I don’t know that I have ever seen such grace on the internet, and I have great hope that this will become a sort of refuge for me. My story begins with my parents. My dad has never taken an interest in the church. He loves LDS people, however, and admires the responsibility that Mormons all appear to have. My mom was kind of raised in the church, and for about 2 years when I was younger she was an active member. She has the same sort of admiration for Mormons, but shortly after I was baptized as an 8 year old she decided that she didn’t really feel a strong belief in so many church ideas and that it was too hard to go without my dad. My membership records were lost. Either that or I was never confirmed. But in any sense, God left the door open, knowing I would have the opportunity to convert again someday.
10 years later I started going to church after a visit to Utah in which I noticed things in other families that I wanted in mine. I saw home atmospheres that seemed peaceful, close, and loving. Calm. And I also remembered feeling so spiritual and clean going to church as a little one. I remembered it just feeling “right”. So I started going to church and went on and off in my investigation for about 6 months.
In November of last year I decided to go through with a baptism. I often look back and think that I should have waited. I wasn’t ready. I still wouldn’t be ready. I honestly haven’t even read through 2nd Nephi in the BoM. Even at the time of my baptism I was not exactly making the most righteous decisions, even if I was technically able to pass my baptismal interview. For the sole purpose of throwing my life into a pressure cooker, from what I can work out, I moved to Utah 2 weeks later.
As far as things go currently, it’s not a great situation. I am engaged to a non-member, who is an absolute champ at being supportive of me and who I am absolutely in love with. I’m not trying to be obscene, graphic, or anything else, but I will say that there was a lot of sexual tension between us for a long time and we essentially just gave up on that whole chastity thing after a while. For a while, I pretended it was okay, but more recently this has not been the case. Ever week after church I tell him that we have to stop, because I feel so spiritually messed up right now, but we aren’t very good at following through with that. (Any advice? Anyone?)
I’ve read about how this forum is to help those struggling with faith, not necessarily keeping the commandments. I understand that. So let me show you how this has become a faith problem. 1.)I can’t connect with anyone in my ward. Not only am I painfully shy to begin with, but this whole ordeal has made me feel so inferior that I don’t even want to be there. I have it in my head that if anyone knew what was going on they would never want to talk to me. 2.)I am tired of this struggle, and have moments or days where I just want to do the convenient thing and go inactive. 3.)I know that I won’t be sealed in the temple and I often feel like I’m being judged for that. My fiancee has put a lot of time looking into the church and knows it is not for him, though again, he is very supportive of my religious endeavors and in fact referred me to this site.
I feel like God is waiting for me to sort this out so that he can guide me through my life again, but until I have it figured out I feel like I am receiving little spiritual help in defeating this problem. I also don’t feel like I am getting spiritual help with making other big decisions in my life, including the decision to include or exclude the LDS faith from my life. I know that there’s a God who loves me, even if I have failed him. And I feel like there must be something to this church, because it used to do something for me, but I just have no idea what else i believe. And I’m hoping that this community will bring forth like-minded individuals and their solutions. Thanks, folks!
First off, you haven’t failed God or anyone else for that matter, so don’t let the guilt eat at you. Second if you are waiting for answer to your prayers on how to reconcile what your doing to the teachings of the Church it isn’t going to happen. the rules are pretty cut and dried here. You will find a lot of support on here. I have found that you will not be judged and you will be accepted. I guess you have to determine how important being a TBM is to you, those of us on here (most of us I would say anyway) are here because we have problems with the Church but don’t want to cut ourselves off from the Church for social reasons or spiritual reasons. So I think you have to sit and think about is important to you in this regard and follow accordingly. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. You haven’t failed God. The plan is for us all to come to earth and learn from our experiences. Reading about the life of Jesus, he treated “sinners” with love and compassion.That is because every one of us is a “sinner”.
I don’t think of life as a test, but as a school. Our job here on earth is to learn what is Good and what is Evil. This is a really complicated thing, because the actions that are good in some situations are evil in others. Somethings we can learn are good and evil just by being taught. (I don’t need to burn my neighbors house down to know it is evil, etc.) However the vast majority of things we have to actually experience to know if the are good or evil. Obviously in that journey we are going to mess up a lot, repentance is there to patch things up when we do.
I hope this isn’t being to personal, but for someone to be celibate when engaged to someone that they already have a relationship with is amazingly difficult, especially since your fiancee doesn’t share that standard. I would focus on living the law of chastity as if you were married, being true only to him, as it will be when you are married. Your fiancee sounds like a great person and it is wonderful that he is so supportive of you.
(((queenoftheevergreens))) I’m convinced that the Church is the right path for me to have a community and a culture that provide the right grounding. That said, judgment by others is a human characteristic that we cannot seem to avoid.
I think, along with others that posted here, that it’s really important for you to understand a few things:
1. God loves you unconditionally. period. He accepts you, loves you, and through the atonement, you can realize your divine nature.
2. We love you here — by serving and helping you, and hearing your story, we together share our strength and hope.
3. Everyone is on a little different path, yet there is much we share in common. The difference in your path does not mean you are a worthless person, but rather, worthy in your own way.
I know a lot of women who have non-member and non-believing husbands in our ward. They and their husbands share in the community, and take the church as they need to, when they need to. You have been attracted to the culture, and perhaps, then, it resonates to you — but you do not have to be the perfect molly mormon woman to realize some of the benefits.
Judgment is a funny thing. When others judge you, you feel it, but in many cases, we also add to that judgment a bit of our own self-condemnation. Obviously, living the Law of Chastity is a very important part of being LDS in a full sense, and for the time being, you are not exactly there. I think this means that you have to choose the path you’re going, for now. To be condemning yourself each week is not healthy, so perhaps for you, right now, the right thing is to not try to be a full member of the Church, but to accept it on your own terms. And once you decide what you want to do, then do what you’ve decided without reservation. I believe it is far more important to be authentic in your daily walk than to walk in another path that may not be for your at this time.
This doesn’t mean that the Church is forever not for you. It means that for now, you may have a different route: finding someone with whom you share your life is a very important thing. If he’s not ready to join the Church, or says it isn’t for him, it probably isn’t for him at this time, or even in this life, and from an LDS perspective, that is just fine.
Bottom line is to live and be who you are fully and authentically. to find the path that makes you really happy. Since the church resonated with you at a point in time, it may be that eventually it will resonate again. Follow your heart and live.
Just my opinion here… good luck!
I have almost no time right now, but I wanted to welcome you – and just ditto what’s been said already. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing your story. I love the humble spirit about you! (I like you already!) I’ll share some of my thoughts if it helps…
queenoftheevergreens wrote:I have it in my head that if anyone knew what was going on they would never want to talk to me.
THAT IS TRUE FOR EVERYONE SITTING IN THE CHAPEL!
queenoftheevergreens wrote:I am tired of this struggle, and have moments or days where I just want to do the convenient thing and go inactive.
Yes, it gets tiring. It is important for you to learn wisdom and temperance in spirituality. You cannot have all things as soon as you decide to get baptized.
One of my favorite scriptures is:
Quote:D&C 50:40 Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.This applies to all of us. Do not run faster than you have strength. Just like when you are exercising and jogging, and you are tired, you take a rest, right? Spirituality is the same way. Pace yourself and take rests when needed (I do regularly). But remember the value of exercising and you start again, or you get on a schedule to do it, because it is a good thing you want to push yourself to do even when it is hard. Remember the things that attracted you to the Church, and the things you wanted. Those things will come to you in time also, but others have had to work at it and put their time in and it did not happen automatically or all at once for them. It will not come to you that way either. Temples aren’t going anywhere. They will be there when and if you are ready some day. If not, there is plenty in the church that is still good for you to embrace.
Be patient and give yourself some credit. You are doing good, and you don’t need to compare yourself to others. God has a unique path for you…embrace it. Follow your heart, and be wise in how you choose what will bring you happiness.
The Church is a church of Love, not a church of fear. Find the love in it, and eat the parts of the buffet that look good to you. You don’t need to eat it all at once, it will be there for a while, you can always go back and enjoy more and more when you are ready, or just stick to your favorite parts that help you. The church is there to help you, not to break you.
I am so sorry for your struggles! I am going through something a little different, but I feel like I can relate at least a little to what you are feeling. I am feeling a little lost right now in certain areas, but despite that I have such a strong testimony that Heavenly Father loves all of us! He expects us to fall short-that is part of the plan! Although people can be judgmental, (I am trying to tell myself this now as well!) we are ALL sinners! I don’t know if it’s helpful for you to know this or not, but I have been in my singles ward for 9+ years. From what I know it seems that most of the people in my ward have or are struggling with the law of chastity. You are not alone in this struggle! I also want to tell you about my parents. My mom got pregnant at 17, and married my dad. She came from an inactive family, but decided she wanted to be part of the church. He did not, but four years later my mom almost lost a baby (me) when her water broke at five months. She got a blessing from the missionaries and when the doctors came back in it was as if it had never happened. I was born 2 days before my due date and my dad joined the church. No one they know knows that she got pregnant at 17, they are a strong mormon family in the ward. I know that this story is not the norm, but to me it just shows that one, you never know what might happen down the line and two, you never know what lies in peoples past. No one is perfect, and that is the plan.
Welcome, queenoftheevergreens. I like the name you’ve choosen. I would encourage you to be patient with your struggles.
Share them with us. We will give you thoughts, suggestions & ideas.
Use the ones that work & leave the rest.
We want to hear more from you.
Mike from Milton.
Welcome queen of the evergreens! I’ve always been rather shy myself. I know how it is like to feel like there is an invisible wall between you and having a meaningful conversation with people you would like to be your friends.
I would not worry too much about if other people knew________ about you. Everyone in the church has a _________ that they don’t want anyone to know about. Whatever that _________ is will be different for everyone.
You might have a form of Social Phobia like I once had. The fear of being judged by others and wanting so badly to hide and yet having a longing to be a part of everyone else.
Personally I also have a mild form of OCD that runs in my family. My personal form of OCD seemed to come in the form of scrupulosity (Religious OCD) Once I stopped believing in all the teachings of the church this issue went away for me. I no longer judged myself so harshly. I became less shy and my social phobia also began to melt away.
If you feel the need to take a few weeks off from church that is fine. However if you are really shy it is best to place yourself in a friendly group setting where you could meet new people and become less shy.
I will say that most people are a little more uptight and less relaxed during regular church. I would suggest going to a ward Dinner or some other Ward function and bring your fiancee with you.
Feel free to keep us posted.
Hope you are still reading the board. What you are experiencing is what they call in psychology cognitive dissonance, if you haven’t heard of it. Essentially it is when we are living two different value systems that conflict with each other and it causes us great anguish. In your case you are doing something against what you believe to be right, and it can tear you apart. Psychologically this is much too uncomfortable and we as people either deal with it by changing our behavior… or changing our beliefs. To survive this it may not be realistic to change your behavior at this time. I say this not to excuse but just a statement of human frailties- its a reality. In which case you will have to change your beliefs. Hopefully you won’t change your beliefs that the Gospel in true. I would urge you to consider to change your beliefs that your actions are making you inferior, unwanted by God etc. There is hope and you can make it back.
The law of Chastity is a great law. A wonderful law that protects us from so much pain. I have often thought -and this is simple IMO- that the gravity of sin is in direct relation to how many people it has the potential of hurting. Notice I saw potential, not actual pain. This is because we cannot choose the consequence of our behaviors, only our behaviors. In one case, no one may ever know what we did in this life, and in another it may destroy multiple lives. But we don’t get to choose that really because we have little if any control once we commit the sin. Think about the law of chastity and the worst possible outcomes of pain in people’s lives. Illegitimate children, diseases passed to innocent spouses, the pain of finding the betrayal of a spouse, the list goes on and on. Also it can be very limiting. It also closes doors for us in our lives… the right future spouses might pass us by, the ability lost to walk the halls of the temple. It is such a grave sin because the consequences when things go wrong can be so very horrific.
That being said, know that very few of us actually live our entire lives keeping that law perfectly, even among the ones who pretend to. Unfortunately, I have seen way way too much of the dark side of people, and even of Utah. Don’t get me wrong, there are MANY great and wonderful people here is UT and all over the world. But in many ways you might find Utah as I have… not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact I have a strong connection with Brazil and many members who have moved here from there thinking they would bask in the land of milk & honey of the church only to be devastated by reality and lose their testimonies. It is tragic. There is a sparkling clean facade that covers many dark houses- inside Utah and out, but more in Utah than many Utahns will accept. Do not take this as a statement that this makes the Gospel less true or another reason to turn from the light. Instead I mean that you have no reason to judge yourself so harshly that you turn away. You can do this. You are not inferior or weaker. ] Even if your path takes time to correct, you can do this. Don’t expect yourself to climb the entire mountain in a day.
I would love to talk with you more. I live in Bountiful and have *more insight than I would like* with your experience. If you would like to get together sometime and dump on me please send me a private message and I will give you my number. Good luck!
Lots of good advise. I esp. like the comments by RagDollSallyUT. Welcome, both of you!
🙂 What’s most important is to do what you feel is right.
Being engaged is a temporary time. It’s tough for couples who are trying to wait until their wedding night.
Imagine how much more special that night would be if you & he could wait from now on!
The good thing is that you & he know you’re sexually compatable… but it also will likely be more of a challenge to wait.
Do you think he would support you if you decided for sure you wanted to wait?
Either way, remember that God is love & love is striving for what is best, through trial & error (active faith).
We’re meant to toddle before we get the walking thing down.
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