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So I was reading the paper yesterday morning, and this website got some good coverage! I like the simple title “helping struggling….” (the rest of the line is not as important to me as these two words). There was a time that I struggled. A lot. And I needed discussions like this to help me through. My (very) brief story is: BIC, raised and believed fervently in the worldview of the common LDS member in Utah. Always did well in school and other activities, including serving as a regional seminary president in HS. Served a mission to Japan, returned with honor, met and married my bride soon in the SL temple and we were off to the Mormon races — school, children, work, church callings…you know the drill. Was so busy just surviving, didn’t really put much energy into doctrinal/historical issues. Like many members (I assume), when conflicts came up, I just figured “somebody knows the answer to this, but I won’t worry about it now.”
Then the call came. I was forced to make a shift. I was called into the bishopric. That was the old “sh.. or get off the pot” time. So, particularly to keep the peace, I said yes. I saw how the church was run…and contrary to many criticisms by exmos, church leaders are extremely dedicated, sincere in their efforts, and put in a TON of time doing the best they can.
But I also had some personal issues that I had not resolved. I won’t go into them here and now, but suffice it to say that I felt that the concept of “rewards for obedience to commandments” was pretty messed up in my life. I had a friend invite me to study with a church history scholar about the “challenges and contradictions of church history.” I agreed. I came to view the church in a completely different light than before. This shift blew away my house of cards, and I didn’t know how to deal with practically every decision I had to make. I was faking everything, and started leading a dual life.
One of my releases was racquetball. I was decent and played in tournaments. I got a bad case of “tennis elbow” that required much treatment and surgery. My doc prescribed a good dose of meds to get me through it. I learned the first day on the meds that these were my new survival tools. I could sleep, deal with stress at work, conduct meetings…and they gave me relief from the cog-dis that I had been living with. I knew, but didn’t care that I was becoming addicted. It was treating my emotional pain as well as the physical.
Then the prescription ran out. As a physician myself, I succeeded for a while getting the meds inappropriately. It worked for a while, but then I got caught. That was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was a forced rehab…but I knew I needed it. Drug rehab forces one to look at themselves (if you want it to work) and learn what causes the addiction. Yes, there is a physical dependency, but also an emotional one…and it forced me to come clean about my core beliefs. I had some problems with the church’ foundational truth claims, and I couldn’t lie about it anymore. Surprisingly to me at the time, telling the important people in my life what I believed completely halted my craving for drugs. I learned how to stay clean…and it’s been 10 years now.
But I had to re-build my life. My pure TBM wife and mother of our four children could not be happy with a non-believing husband. We tried counseling for a while, but in the end, even the counselor suggested we split. So after a divorce, loss of professional license, bankruptcy, and of course my faith, I set out to start a new life at 40. As a convicted felon (the courts don’t take kindly to forged prescriptions), it was hard to get a job. About the only companies that like you are the drug rehab clinics. I became a counselor myself, and absolutely loved the work. I specialized in clients that were struggling with their faith and the substance abuse common with them here in Utah. The approach I used was to help them become honest. What I had learned for myself shockingly worked for others, most of the time.
This isn’t to say that everybody should stand on the street corner and announce to all what they believe (or don’t). I think there is a time and place for this, and one needs to be sensitive of others too. But ultimately, we must be true to ourselves to be at peace. I sincerely believe that we have to put our own happiness first; if we don’t, our families feel it and it affects them too. Since coming clean, everybody in my life has grown in positive ways. Ten years later, we have both remarried and are happy — she with a staunch TBM husband, and I with another former believer (we have both chosen to remain on the records, for reasons I’d be happy to discuss later). Our four kids are all successful and our “Brady bunch” families get along very well. Two of the kids are active and I have no intention of attempting to change that. It works for them. Two are inactive at the moment.
I think the reason I wanted to post this is to say that religious disaffection is not terminal. There are usually a few hiccups along the way, but like the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I consider myself a Mormon. It’s my heritage. It’s not a system I choose to participate in today, but I am open to things changing — with me and/or the church. I have passed through my “angry exmo” stage, and have found peace in saying, “I don’t know, but that’s okay.” I’ve learned not to change others if they don’t want it. I believe that process is mostly about convincing ourselves that our own path is right. Once you find that, you can rejoice in another’s happiness — even if it’s not your own.
But…that’s just where I am today. Tomorrow???????
Wow. Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! It sounds like you have succeeded in bringing good out of the bad. Welcome! What a story, Rix! Rix wrote:The approach I used was to help them become honest. What I had learned for myself shockingly worked for others, most of the time.
A book my aunt recently loaned me says just what you are proposing. It’s called “Real Love” by Greg Baer. The plan he’s selling is to find unconditional love by telling the truth about yourself. Sounds good to me.
Tom
Thanks for sharing your story, Rix. Welcome. I look forward to hearing your views. Tom Haws wrote:The plan he’s selling is to find unconditional love by telling the truth about yourself.
Rix wrote:Surprisingly to me at the time, telling the important people in my life what I believed completely halted my craving for drugs. I learned how to stay clean…and it’s been 10 years now.
Beautiful!!!!
Welcome Rix! Your story is almost word for word my brother (just a different addiction). He has since found unconditional love outside the church.
Thank you all for the warm welcomes. I have read many of the intros, and can relate to all of them. When there is time, I will comment on many of them. I’ve participated on other Mormon related sites, and find some helpful, but there is so much malice and anger on both sides. I understand it is part of the journey, but I appreciate the friendly tone of this forum…and hope to have supportive discussions here.
Thanks again!
Welcome to our community Rix. Thank you for sharing your story. Very touching story. Very inspiring current view. You are a blessing to so many people. I think honesty with oneself is the most freeing action out there. I can see why it assists those with addictions. So generous on your part to share this. Thanks. From one recovering Mormonaholic to another, welcome. Your story is a very powerful one and I’m glad that you are willing to share it with us. On a side note, I really enjoyed meeting you and your wife at several of the past Utah Co RTG meetings. I hope to see and hear from both of you again.
I wish you peace and success in the future.
Tom wrote:From one recovering Mormonaholic to another, welcome. Your story is a very powerful one and I’m glad that you are willing to share it with us.
On a side note, I really enjoyed meeting you and your wife at several of the past Utah Co RTG meetings. I hope to see and hear from both of you again.
I wish you peace and success in the future.
Awhh, you’re THAT Tom! (there are too many Toms, I guess….
😆 ) How are you?! Yes, it seems this sight is helpful for a lot of folks. I’ve enjoyed reading what is posted here — and making a few comments here and there. It’s quite fascinating to me to see the different approaches taken by the posters here. It has helped me see that in a way, Mormonism is my “tribe.” I don’t participate in the services much anymore, but I’m still quite involved in “many things Mormon.” I wonder if it ever goes away?!Anyway, thanks for responding here Tom, and I hope to chat at the various places our paths cross!
I loved your intro, Rix! Thanks for sharing it. Welcome to the site, Rix! I have enjoyed reading your story among the forums and threads on this site, and I welcome you warmly. I was particularly touched when you shared about a time in your life when you learned to trust more openly and find unconditional love with new friends you were not co-dependent with. I found your great post. It’s here.Thanks all for the warm welcome! I’ve really enjoyed this site…real people and real issues. Thanks Tom for your comments — I was at the Y the fall of ’76, but unless you are my friend the ER doc, it probably wasn’t me. I chose that picture of my new bride and me at our wedding last year…didn’t want to show her off too much! Thanks again!
~Rix
It wasn’t you. But you still remind me of him. You are about 8 years older than I. I’m currently 42.
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